Ruined my life for a man who turned out to be full of shit

[babs891]

In January of 24 I separated from my partner of 14 years. We have a DD (10) with complex health problems, cerebral palsy among other dx.

The split was amicable and we agreed there was no rush for either of us to move out, we get along well and share caring duties. We would put the house on the market in a years time.

In September I began seeing a man from work, albeit from a different department. I did tell XP after a few dates so he was aware. There was never any question of us getting back together. He was understanding and free to date himself.

So the colleague - It was quite intense, spending lots of time together, in contact all day every day. A bit too much perhaps, in hindsight.

After a couple of months he began saying he was struggling with the reality of me and XP sharing a house which is fair enough.

I spoke with XP and it was agreed he would start looking for somewhere 'now' rather than at the end of the year as planned.

Colleague started blowing hot and cold in the process, I didnt know where I stood from one minute to the other. He said he was depressed and it was because of my home situation. One minute he wanted to be with me now and the next he said he couldn't cope (but still kept contacting me daily, telling me he loved me and saying he was waiting for me so we could be together properly)

He said we could only be together once XP had moved out and he was applying pressure, constantly telling me it was impacting his mental health.

Fair enough though, I thought. It's not ideal circumstances and of course its going to be difficult for him.

I really felt like I'd fallen in love with him at this point. In hindsight I think I was love bombed.

I felt under pressure which had a knock on effect for XP so me and XP were no longer getting on.

Him moving out was expedited and he moved in somewhere crap and further away than planned, just to get it over and done with. Our previously positive co-parenting relationship broke down. I'm financially much worse off and doing the lions share of care on my own.

Colleague/bf was happy though. All going well with him, so I thought.

Until Sunday I was at his for a BBQ when he made a couple of comments that made me question where his mind was at. He said he liked us "just how we are"

So I initiated a "where is this heading then" conversation.. my jaw hit the floor when he said he didn't want to put a label on it. After months and months of future faking.

(Didn't want to commit and be exclusive basically - he lead me to believe we already were. I had met his family and friends. He'd met mine including DD)

I reminded him of all the things he'd said about us settling down together, living together in the future, he had mentioned marriage a good few times. I asked what on earth that was about.

He said that's just something he said at the time and joked that I'm like an elephant, I never forget things.

He's 42. I was not expecting any of this.

I left his place on Sunday feeling like I'd just had the rug pulled from under my feet. The last thing I said to him was that we might aswell leave it at that then, and I left upset.

I've been in bits ever since, barely sleeping, hardly eating. I've completely destabilised mine and DD's lives for nothing. I feel such a fool.

I saw him at work today for the first time since last week and my emotions got the better of me. He came over and I told him he was manipulative, he had strung me along for months and to move out of my way. A couple of other colleagues were around so I expect he's embarrassed.

He text me shortly after saying I had made it very awkward and he doesn't know what that was all about(?!) but yes he is calling it a day as he doesn't want "these issues" with me.

I've burst out crying infront of my line manager who took me aside when she noticed I wasn't myself. She was utterly lovely about it but I'm so embarrassed.

He doesn't see that he has done anything wrong.

Have I been completely gaslighted here or am I just a fucking moron myself?

I actually feel sick 😔

@ThisBrickOtterplease could you tell me the name of the book? Sounds good.

Really feel for you. I wouldn’t think there’s a woman on here who hasn’t met a complete knobhead like this prize plonker, playing silly boy games.
unfortunately he’s someone you work with so it’s going to be awkward disengaging from him. But put on your big girl pants, stick two fingers up at him and hold your head high. You’ve got this.

I didn’t have kids at the time but did the exact same thing. I couldn’t see the hurt I was causing my XP (we were still living together and getting along amazingly as pals - thankfully, are still friends now years later!) because I became almost fixated on this individual - who couldn’t have cared less once the couple of months of intense lovebombing was done with! I think coming out of a long term relationship straight into dating (as I did) makes you a bit naive, as none of my long term single friends were shocked, whereas I couldn’t believe someone could treat someone like that! 💐 from me too x

This is spot on. There’s something about the rebound relationship and break up that makes us lose the plot a bit, and make stupid and rash decisions. It’s probably because you’re vulnerable, but feel like you’re ready for the next big thing especially if the previous break up has been protracted and dealt with in a grown up manner. Forgive yourself OP, be glad that you’ve swerved a wrong un, learn the lessons and get your head back on. Thank goodness he showed himself to be an arse after 6 months, and not after you’d moved in together.

God there's some arseholes on this thread. Many moons ago I had a terrible abusive bf and one of his favourite past times was making up several usernames and trolling strangers online. He was also a bully in real life. I have a feeling a lot of the nasty posts on this thread are from men getting their kicks and could be from one person under multiple names. I also think there's an awful lot of posts here from handmaidens. I know people like this in real life. One woman is unbelievably judgemental and uncharitable to other women. I found out her marriage was to someone who cheated on her with her cousin and then moved on to bigamy. She has zero insight or self awareness and absolutely no compassion for others, almost like she outsources her shame as it's too difficult to bear.

OP I had a brief dalliance with one of these fuckers. It devastated me, not so much because I thought I loved him (I really did) but because I completely fell for his nice guy act and was floored when I realised he was just a conman who goes around doing this to every woman he meets. And many men do that. To those posters who are taking the "good folk on both sides" stance, you are woefully naive. Some men are experts at using women and then throwing them away but most don't bash you about, drink the housekeeping and leave by going out for some milk like the old days, the modern day versions are extremely sophisticated as they've had to become so due to blatant mysogyny becoming socially unacceptable. My experience left me questioning my ability to perceive reality as he conned me so well.

Like the previous poster who mentioned they know a man like this in his 60s and it's his MO and is otherwise a nice guy. I also have a couple of men in my life that are like this and have watched them operate from afar for a while now. I hate to break it to you but they are not good guys, that's an act too. These men are duplicitous users and having "friends" who think they're good men is all part of the act and provides cover for their insidious behaviour. Those of us who can see these men for what they are usually found out the hard way from prior experience.

OP you handled this with dignity, well done. Keep your head held high, this will make you stronger and you will be ok. I wish you well.

You’ll be ok OP you sound like you have your head screwed on.

Op I’ve commented a few times on this thread. But haven’t shared my own story of dating an absolute prat! I was in my late 20s, no DCs so not quite the same as your situation but he acted like he was madly in love with me then dumped me on a return from a holiday together. I took it on the chin, maybe not what he expected- a couple of weeks later he wanted to get back together. As you can imagine I was over the moon. Then…. He dumped me AGAIN. You’d think I would have learnt my lesson but no. We got back together A THIRD TIME only for him to not only dump me very shortly after but also sleep with a mutual friend the same night.

What made it worse was he was a holier than thou hippy sort who preached to me and spoke down to me for not being alternative enough. Eye roll.

Needless to say when I found out about the friend I told him in no uncertain terms never to contact me again. Finally stopped being a drip. Luckily the next man I met was my DH who I regularly thank the universe for.

We’ve all been there, please don’t beat yourself up. Remember we also mostly all want to
love and be loved!

I think he did gaslight you and it’s been a very hard lesson for you. However, it is recoverable. Your ex was always going to move out anyway. the situation with the narc just made is fast-forward. And it’s much healthier to be living apart.

Hopefully with time you can become friends again and rectify the good co-parenting relationship you had.

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

The first guy I dated after my divorce (after 27 years) honestly charmed and flattered me in a way I now see was such a script but back then I was vulnerable despite not realising it and I wanted to believe someone telling me they’d never felt like this before, I was the love of their life etc.

Looking back there were red flags pretty early on but I’d not had any experience of that sort of man before.

My split was my ex H was as amicable as it gets and we had very adult conversations around shared custody of our DS. So I’d always had positive experiences of men.

The rebound guy definitely lovebombed me. I ended tho ga a couple of times but he reeled me back in by promising the moon on a plate. Short term it was better but it never lasted.

We have a lot of mutual friends who all think he’s a top bloke because he’s very convincing Because of our mutual connections i occasionally see him out and I shudder at the thought this creepy insignificant little man fooled me.

My DS never took to him and I’m grateful of that otherwise I might have ended up moving him in. And it would have been a lot worse!

He’s now with another recent divorcee who I know had a horrible, toxic break up so I can imagine he played the white knight act swooping in to ‘save’ her

Theres a lot of them out there - btw this one was nearly 60 so they don’t grow out of it.

Just solidarity really to let you know there’s a lot of us who’ve made the mistake after a divorce.

@ThisBrickOtteryou said "Depressed" men are a hard no for me. They are everywhere and I think some very low effort men have cottoned onto it as a seemingly "bullet proof" excuse to do sweet fuck all and have the audacity to complain about it."

I think this is a really important point. I was listening to Lundy Bancroft who is an expert on abusive men. He said "Abusers are a product of society and their style changes as society changes. It's a modern value now that men should contribute to childcare. Those things are better. What's gotten worse are his constant demands for attention. His focus now is less on household service and more on emotional service. Endless work that's never good enough."

My advice is beware the depressive as it's often a modern day "out" that makes the relationship all about them. And what better gaslighting technique than playing the mental health card, every time our instinct dings, he will put the vibe down to his wobbles. Fuck that.

Well done OP. It does get easier to spot. But if you have insecure attachment I think you are much more likely to go along with this kind of thing. Try Women Who Love Too Much

@TwistedWonder yes and men like this actually look for women who are in a vulnerable situation after a divorce. It's very common.

He definitely sounds like a narcissist unfortunately. I'm sorry OP and hope you and your XP can regain the great co-parenting relationship that you had before.

I’ve just read the original post right through again and it doesn’t say her previous partner (Childs father) cheated ?

This is exactly why I don’t think women do better by their kids. Your poor dd who now has to deal with something additional

She said in a later post that the reason for their split was that he cheated. They tried for 2 years after he cheated but couldn’t make it work so split up, then stayed living in the same house.

I’m always dubious about stuff like that being dripfed halfway through the thread.

I didn’t see that, apologies

So why are you still on the thread? You don't believe the OP so what's the point of commenting?

Somebody said they suspected me of cheating on XP with XBF and leaving XP for him.

I gave further context to explain how that was not the case, we'd been seperated quite some time and why that was.

It wasn't relevant to the OP.

100%.

My male best mate struggles with real depression and it's a totally different type of behaviour pattern. When they are in a pit, we have a protocol. It's been used once in seven years. He is on meds, and sees a psychiatrist once a month out of his own pocket. He comes to me about some stuff that triggers him as he knows I've got the skills to help. I go to him when I need help where his skills are strong. So yeah. I'm not ignorant about depression.

Recall when I first told my mate I won't date men who are mentally ill, he found it a bit offensive, till I explained what I said in my post and what you expressed and have experienced. Also added such men can be dangerous and unpredictable.

I'm just done with limp learned helplessness and seriously I just walk away from those sad sacks now.

I'm also annoyed with women coming up with excuses. I've gotten quite firm at calling it out. Stop excusing effortless shit behaviour. Raise the bar. Save your emotional energy for your self first, then those making the effort to self manage their shit.

That book is called 'male fantasies' by Theweleit. There's a PDF floating about and it'll be in uni libraries. Honestly I read it slowly and deeply. It's utterly blown my mind. It's not a very accessible text even as it's beautifully written. Don't be shy about having to look up names he mentions. I keep my phone to hand! Feel free to DM me if you read it.

Haha but it’s still true 😂😂😂

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you should’ve been prioritising your daughters needs. Had you done that you wouldn’t have pressurised your ex to move out for the sake of a new boyfriend’s “mental health”.
its ok to be blinded by love and do stupid stuff but it’s not ok to put a new boyfriends needs above your daughters needs. Had your head been telling you to prioritise your daughter your heart would not have believed his lies and manipulation.

I think that sometimes we make bad decisions because we're just desperate to find some happiness OP. I've done it myself.
When someone love bombs you it's so easy to believe that at last this is it true love and so on and so forth.
Real love is never like this. It develops over time and can be recognised by your partners selflessness.
I have a lot of partner rules now including nobody will be moving into my home it's my sacrosanct space, they can provide a home for me long term.
But Im older and wiser. Never let a man persuade you to do anything that will make your life worse.
If it's too good to be true it is.
Learn from this and move on.

Hello

I've received some notifications telling me that the thread has new comments so thought I should provide an update.

I have been NC with this man for months, realised he's a waste of space and want nothing more to do with him. XP and I have salvaged our friendship and he will be moving back into the area by Christmas.

When the thread popped up I read back through my posts and cringed at how stupid I'd been where this bloke is concerned.

He still attempts to contact me on throwaway accounts and private numbers but gets no response from me. I can see him for what he is, a user and a chancer.

I have decided to stay single for the foreseeable and I'm actually enjoying being on my own now.