Ruined my life for a man who turned out to be full of shit

[babs891]

In January of 24 I separated from my partner of 14 years. We have a DD (10) with complex health problems, cerebral palsy among other dx.

The split was amicable and we agreed there was no rush for either of us to move out, we get along well and share caring duties. We would put the house on the market in a years time.

In September I began seeing a man from work, albeit from a different department. I did tell XP after a few dates so he was aware. There was never any question of us getting back together. He was understanding and free to date himself.

So the colleague - It was quite intense, spending lots of time together, in contact all day every day. A bit too much perhaps, in hindsight.

After a couple of months he began saying he was struggling with the reality of me and XP sharing a house which is fair enough.

I spoke with XP and it was agreed he would start looking for somewhere 'now' rather than at the end of the year as planned.

Colleague started blowing hot and cold in the process, I didnt know where I stood from one minute to the other. He said he was depressed and it was because of my home situation. One minute he wanted to be with me now and the next he said he couldn't cope (but still kept contacting me daily, telling me he loved me and saying he was waiting for me so we could be together properly)

He said we could only be together once XP had moved out and he was applying pressure, constantly telling me it was impacting his mental health.

Fair enough though, I thought. It's not ideal circumstances and of course its going to be difficult for him.

I really felt like I'd fallen in love with him at this point. In hindsight I think I was love bombed.

I felt under pressure which had a knock on effect for XP so me and XP were no longer getting on.

Him moving out was expedited and he moved in somewhere crap and further away than planned, just to get it over and done with. Our previously positive co-parenting relationship broke down. I'm financially much worse off and doing the lions share of care on my own.

Colleague/bf was happy though. All going well with him, so I thought.

Until Sunday I was at his for a BBQ when he made a couple of comments that made me question where his mind was at. He said he liked us "just how we are"

So I initiated a "where is this heading then" conversation.. my jaw hit the floor when he said he didn't want to put a label on it. After months and months of future faking.

(Didn't want to commit and be exclusive basically - he lead me to believe we already were. I had met his family and friends. He'd met mine including DD)

I reminded him of all the things he'd said about us settling down together, living together in the future, he had mentioned marriage a good few times. I asked what on earth that was about.

He said that's just something he said at the time and joked that I'm like an elephant, I never forget things.

He's 42. I was not expecting any of this.

I left his place on Sunday feeling like I'd just had the rug pulled from under my feet. The last thing I said to him was that we might aswell leave it at that then, and I left upset.

I've been in bits ever since, barely sleeping, hardly eating. I've completely destabilised mine and DD's lives for nothing. I feel such a fool.

I saw him at work today for the first time since last week and my emotions got the better of me. He came over and I told him he was manipulative, he had strung me along for months and to move out of my way. A couple of other colleagues were around so I expect he's embarrassed.

He text me shortly after saying I had made it very awkward and he doesn't know what that was all about(?!) but yes he is calling it a day as he doesn't want "these issues" with me.

I've burst out crying infront of my line manager who took me aside when she noticed I wasn't myself. She was utterly lovely about it but I'm so embarrassed.

He doesn't see that he has done anything wrong.

Have I been completely gaslighted here or am I just a fucking moron myself?

I actually feel sick 😔

I'd get on the front foot at work. I imagine he will spin this story of how crazy you are to anyone who will listen. You've told your manager and she's supportive. Get your professional game face on and if anyone asks a breezy we did date but it didn't work out will suffice.

Then look after yourself and praise the gods you're no longer with this awful man.

I would always advise a female friend getting into a relationship with a man who was still living with his ex and their shared child over a year later to RUN. And the same the other way round.

I think this twit probably saw your situation as a challenge and pushed and pulled to get your working situation with your ex ripped apart and hurt everyone but him.

I do feel most sorry for your ex.

Could schoolkids be taught all about gaslighting and narcissists? From Year 7 onwards - as narcs seem to target vunerable people, kids should be told about the red flags of relationships, so that they can recognise them and run.

Could adults be taught about appropriate use of diagnostic terms and to not pathologize all unsavoury behaviour as narcissistic etc

Yes, Ma'am !

I agree I need to do some serious introspection. I've been doing that tonight and came across the shark cage theory, read all about that and it shone a light on a few things I must need to work on.

I'm not familiar with the freedom project but I'm going to look it up now.

The advice given about how to approach dating curiously in the (very distant) future is great. I've taken a screenshot. Ditto what to look out for and the red flags.

I don't think he would go to HR about me giving him a bit of grief at work but I guess I can't rule it out. I have the support of my line manager atleast.

To answer PP who asked if I'm the OP from the "my colleague called me an elephant at work" thread, no thats not me.

Must be a lot of rude feckers about 😳

I’m sorry but this is why you don’t put a man you’ve been seeing for a few months ahead of your daughter….

No, you’re actually not saying anything novel, it’s just other people managed to say it without being a patronising dick. The good news is though, it’s giving OP more practice at how to see red flags with people.

Well, narcissism has been discussed in detail, including how clever they are, and this post is a good illustration of victim blaming. The sort of person who thinks victims of scammers only have themselves to blame.

Well no shit.

Except it didn't feel that way at the time. I was under the impression I was in an exclusive relationship, in which case XP and I needed to assess the living arrangements anyway.

The plan was always to sell up eventually. All this did was accelerate things, as PP pointed out.

If the relationship with the boyfriend had legs then that would have been the right decision, albeit less rushed.

It just so happens that this bloke turned out to be a bad apple and therefore it was all for nothing.

I couldn't feel any worse if I tried. I've been in bits all week, not out of self pity but sheer disbelief and anger at myself.

@babs891 got into a relationship that was too intense too fast and changed her domestic arrangements for a new boyfriend.She needs to take responsibility for that and be aware of her potential propensity to believe that love can be hard and other tropes.

Minimising and head tilt, aww it’s him he’s a narcissist, is really unhelpful and doesn’t address any of the behaviour and patterns @babs891 chose
Going nuclear at the ex in work, that’s not appropriate

There needs to be a degree of reflection and learning to not replicate this pattern. MN platitude and faux psychology really isn’t helping, it potentially excuses her actions and minimises her personal responsibility

They were both ill judged in a new relationship and she changed her whole coparenting and domestic arrangements to suit a new relationship. That is foolish and irresponsible

Oh and then she was inappropriate to him ,at work,in front of colleagues.

I don't know what you were thinking falling for the first bloke who showed an interest. And someone at work! It all sounds so incredibly intense and desperate, and why were you looking to get so serious so quickly when you have a disabled daughter to think about? Nothing wrong with dating and having a bit of fun but why make it so intense and turn your life upside down?

If the relationship with the boyfriend had legs then that would have been the right decision, albeit less rushed.

This is a bit of an unexpected take on the situation which you seemed to be seeing clearly in your earlier posts - it wasn't just a bad decision because it didn't work out or because he was the wrong man IMO.

Regardless of how it worked out, it was a bad idea full stop to prioritise someone else over the stable living arrangement you had for your daughter, especially so soon into the relationship.

It was always going to disadvantage your daughter to sacrifice the good co-parenting relationship you had with your ex for a new man and if it had worked out, you would still have been choosing him over her to some extent.

@babs891

As hard as it is on you now, remember that 1000s have been where you are before and 1000s will come after you.

Many of us (including me) have fallen for a workplace Lothario and learnt a very hard lesson. And then had the hell of having to see them at work every day. I was 'lucky' in that I only had to continue working with 'mine' for a few months before he transferred to a new office.

The moral of the story: "Never shit where you eat"

The first relationship after the breakup of a long relationship with kids is always a real test - how soon, how deep, how many changes you’re willing to make in your life. Add to that the Co-living arrangement with your ex which was always going to come to an end, but you expedited it. I can easily see how it happens, but you know where you stand now, and I think an honest conversation with your ex will hopefully help the two of you to figure out how to rebuild a bit of trust and mutual support. I feel for you; you are owning it; and you’ve to deal with work too. I wish you the best. Every strength to you.

You’ve well and truly had your fingers burned. Did you actually leave your ex DP for this man? Because unfortunately that’s the vibe I’m getting here with the time frame you describe and your subsequent posts.
It’s done but as PP have said - next time, don’t be quite so quick to set fire to your own life for someone.

It enrages me on behalf of OP's blameless Ex and daughter. OP has messed up their lives too.

Not sure who's 'head tilting' and 'aww'-ing, but even if that were the case, how do you know its unhelpful?

And of course none of any of these posts can be 'wholly accurate'. We're responding to one womans account of her experience. Could all be a huge pack of lies. But I choose to believe OP. And I choose to be supportive in a way that doesn't create further distress.

Pretty sure OP knows she's made some very poor decisions. Her posts are full of regret and remorse.

But she's human, and humans make mistakes. Sometimes big ones.

Get off your high horse.

There seems to be some victim blaming going on here. The OP is taking responsibility for her behaviour

The OP behaved appallingly too. It was far too soon to get to this level of involvement with a new man. It's a pity the OP didn't behave responsibly in the first place. What is it with some women that there always has to be a man in their lives?

Agree 100%. It's not "victim blaming" to point out the OP's own selfishness played a huge part in this mess.

Op’s relationship was over with her ex, it was understandable if not advisable that she enjoyed the excitement of a new relationship, and trusted him when he made promises. I am sorry to say it might be the complexity of living with a child with such high needs that created the issues - and maybe not his feelings for op. It could have been genuine at the time.

Of course op has learnt many lessons, to take her time, to not introduce anyone new to their lives for a very long time (years not months and maybe never) to appreciate their vulnerability as a family.

I hardly think she needs us to point that out to her! What she needs is empathy. It’s been distressing and she is now painfully aware she should have paid attention to the red flags.

Also I can see why a parent with a child with such needs would look for love, support and fun. It’s extremely challenging raising and caring for a child and especially after a relationship breakdown.

Its actually okay to always have or want a man in your life. Finding a good one can be a bit of a challenge. But why is the want or the need in itself wrong, or distasteful somehow, as you are implying?

I agree with this take. The OP seems to have a lot of self-awareness, and is at the ‘what do I do now’ stage.

I also wanted to add briefly that relationship breakdown is extremely common in families with high needs children. It’s often not a lack of love or respect for the other, but the on going relentless strain of the situation.

This is probably why they found it easy to co parent, as nothing was intrinsically wrong with the relationship - only the stress and pressure they were under at the time.

I don't think it is "okay" or healthy to be incapable of living your life without a man. I think it's weak and often, as here, selfish.