Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

I'm sorry you're DH appears to be an absolute prick. And the actual entitlement of thinking he gets to opt out when it's difficult is astounding.

All I can say is, it sounds like you are already carrying the load - do you think parenting him alone would in practical terms be much different?

God I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. What your DH had said is unforgivable imo, and not something that can be recovered from.
It’s very challenging having a neurodiverse child, and many couples struggle, but your situation is outside of that. I think your husbands attitude is appalling. You, on the other hand sound like a great and understanding mother, doing your best to support your lovely child.
I don’t think I could get past your partners attitude to his child, and you would be better off without him. Imagine the damage he is doing, and will continue to do towards your son’s happiness.

Sounds like you've had a rough road to get to here. Do you think your DH accepts the diagnosis?
While it may be easy to discuss what he has said as being an asshole, I wonder if he's struggling to accept the diagnosis and what that means for the future and how that will affect your future lives.

I think it's perfectly OK to say this is not what I expected or planned when we said he'd have kids but having a ND child is always a possibility and one most people I think accept and move forward with. But your husband hasn't.

I suppose the question is what do you do from here. The options I see are

1. He speaks with someone to accept this life he has or

2 he leaves.

Just to be clear......... he is planning to divorce you and cease contact with his own son?

Words fail me. I'm sorry, I do not have any positive advice but, seeing that you are evidently carrying this heavy burden on your own already, might a clean break actually be best. Since he clearly has no intention of making a positive contribution towards helping his son, or to family life in general.

Really sorry to hear this, and for it all to happen while you are so fragile.

Starting with some general ideas for family support, though as you are a parent of a child with SEND, my apologies if you know all this already...

If you're in England and Wales (sorry, I am not familiar with the Scottish, or any other, systems) are you receiving support from the Children with Disabilities Team from social care? (Different authorities have different names for this service.) I would hope you would qualify for some respite care.

As your son attends a special school, are you eligible for transport?

As your child loves school, presumably their strategies are working for him. Have the school shared strategies and resources with you so you can implement the same approach at home? If they're an LA maintained school or an academy, they might also have a good understanding of resources available to local parents. (The independent sector may also know this, but their children are often more likely to come from many areas so they may not have as much local knowledge.)

Your local SEND information and support service, or parents' advice centre, might have some resources or social opportunities for you to connect with other parents in a similar situation.

Re your DH...

I can only suggest getting some sleep and trying to have another conversation at a better, less heightened time, when he is not in pain having just been hurt. Not in any way excusing his behaviour. There might be some SEND parenting courses available to support him, or perhaps he needs to come to the medical and school appointments rather than leaving all that to you, so he can question the professionals directly and learn about his son's complex needs.

I can tell you what hope your precious ds has, you. You, his obviously loving and devoted mama.

He doesn't need a father who refuses to put him first and willfully refuses to engage with and accept his diagnosis.

Your DH might be speaking out of shock with having a knock to his face but if not, I'd be getting him to leave the house as soon as possible.
And he should be the one to leave, not you and ds.

What a pathetic man. So sorry op 💐

Thank you all. I’m getting tearful reading these kind replies - tonight has left me a bit shaken. I’ve also taken my post-op pain killers since posting, but I will reply when coherent again!

Let's hope he regrets saying these things. He may not mean it as a long term opinion.
Many of us have awful thoughts at stressful times

He's still out of order for making matters worse.

Take a breath.

I know this must have been really difficult. Parenting is challenging at the best of times and you have a lot on your plate right now.

Your husband needs guidance on parenting a child with autism.

What happened immediately after ds socked DH in the face?? How did he react??

It sounds like your husband has been removed from everything to do with your son. You say you attend all the meetings.

He therefore hasn't been there to hear experts discuss your son's needs or to ask questions. It seems like as far as he's concerned, this is a parenting issue.

He seems to think that with discipline your son can change which is what he seemed to be doing before he got smacked.

Your son's behaviour is obviously difficult to manage and he can't cope with it. He needs to accept the diagnosis so you can both work together developing strategies to manage his behaviour.

I'm wondering what support there is in your area. The Autistic Society might be a good place to start and Family Lives can perhaps offer advice and further support. Autism Central might also be useful.

That must have been terribly difficult to hear OP. Do you think it was said in the heat of the moment, or do you think your DH being honest here about his feelings and intentions, however horrid they might be? Most of us expect parenting to be difficult but the reality can be relentless and grinding, and that can be even more pronounced when the DC is neurodiverse.

Your DS sounds lovely and as though he has very specific needs. Has DS hit you or DH or others before? Are there strategies in place to cope with a situation in which DS hits or lashes out? Your DS is 9 now but will get bigger and stronger so these are important questions. I wonder if DH is worried about DS hitting as he gets bigger and stronger and what will happen then.

Do you have support from family or elsewhere? It sounds like you’re in recovery from pretty major surgery so I hope you have access to some help if you need it.

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here.

What your DH said is awful on the face of it.

But the reality is that he’s not the first parent to reach breaking point and he won’t be the last. And it’s not uncommon even on here to see threads from posters saying that they don’t want to do this any more and are considering putting their children in care, etc etc.

Living with the behaviours and the violent assaults on a daily basis is going to test the resolve of the strongest person. And I’d say it’s almost inevitable that everyone will reach a breaking point at some time. Can you speak to him in the cold light of day and pin down his actual intentions. A log of things can be said in the heat of the moment, and the reality is that if your son is assaulting you both at 9 then you do need some support and strategies. Because while at 9 it’s perhaps tolerable on a level, it’s not going to be long until he’s a teenager, and then it won’t be, and he will be causing serious damage.

Parenting a disabled child is relentless,especially one with serious disabilities, which, given your son is in special school, is the case here.

Could your DH's reaching the end of his catastrophising tether have something to do with you being laid low post-surgery? It's a horrible idea, but one I feel I recognise. Like you, I carry the load with autistic DC1 -DP contributes to some aspects of care but the drudgery and grunt-work of needs management and school / LA / professionals liaison is all on me.

If I'm ever seriously under the weather with a bug, or most recently surgery, I know DH will almost certainly begin to feel overwhelmed within 24 hours, lose sight of the 'overview' and, seemingly, create situations which cause the delicate equilibrium of emotional regulation to flounder. He'll then make hyperbolic statements (like your DH did) or need me to step in; it becomes like a situational ultimatum (albeit never expressed as such outright): "You can't take your foot off the pedal, just look what happens!" At those times I actually hate him.

He usually rallies, having dumped on me (I suppose it's some kind of forced co-regulation), and cracks on with it, but I've lost count of the times something like this has happened. He's always the first to declare how amazing I am for getting DC1 to the place we're now in, and keeping the many plates spinning, but when the chips are down, he can't take the heat. Like some PPs, I've pondered whether I'd just be better off going it alone.

Wishing you a restful recovery and some kind of repair and resolution with your DH.

Sounds like you might be happier, just the two of you. You could focus on cherishing and enjoying the positives of your relationship with your DS without always having to worry about your H having a mood over something. If he as an adult doesn't bring anything to the party and just makes life more difficult, tell him to sling his hook.

Do you get short breaks or any form of respite? If not, please do look into it. I’d expect being at a special school would hopefully mean you have some sort of personal budget.

i have three autistic dc. Sometimes DH has been unable to manage their needs and will say shit things. It’s rare, but we have been through a lot 1:1 care due to suicidality, anorexia - it’s a fucked thing for him to say, but was it just home saying a fucked up thing due to stress.

DH does sound off to me on general parenting things also, and I think it is due to his laziness. He also is around to provide care for our dc out of school when I work, does CAMHS etc appts, and lots of caring (of course I carry the mental load, tribunal cases, talking to SENCOs etc etc).

My 10yo is autistic and full time care, she has similarities to your DS but less abilities from what you've said. (Can't use a toilet, cant be in a mainstream setting etc). So I understand what it all feels like when it's overwhelming. She has lashed out lots of times.

The point is, whatever he has said, people can't just opt out of parenting 9 years in. We all have moments like this where its hard but he can't just decide to stop caring and make you solely responsible. I wouldn't let him. You are giving him a get out by saying maybe you need to keep DS away from him if he feels like this, but I don't think you do.

He is his dad and should continue being involved, even when it's hard. If he stops parenting now, you will both break up and he will never have this chance again to part of you both. Over time his understanding of your DS will be even worse.

I would encourage him to be even more involved and attend all meetings etc. I wouldn't go on one angry and overwhelmed moment amd be so defensive about your DS. We all struggle to parent complex kids, but alone you will struggle much more.

What he said was bad, but don't make the mistake of letting him run away from his responsibility because the going got tough. Your reaction is as bad as his really. You basically told him your DS needs protecting from him because of how he feels, but he doesn't. Your DS doesn't know how he feels and hopefully never will.

I've felt overwhelmed lots and lots of times. Nobody else should be looking after my DD. I can't just leave her and neither can you leave DS. Why should he? It sounds like you need to be a little bit more supportive of your DH when he feels weak. You need to both keep talking and connecting.

I’m compos mentis again now (I hope) so I’ll try to answer some questions.

Parenting DS alone would not be a huge difference (except financially), but when similar things have happened previously, I’ve brushed them aside because I don’t think DS would manage the upheaval of his parents separating. (He may have no choice now, of course.)

DH has had 6 years to accept the main diagnosis of “classic autism”, but obviously hasn’t. He’s never really got over DS being asked to leave the prep (which all his colleagues’ children attend, bar one, who is also autistic and non-verbal). At Christmas, I purchased the digital version of DS’ school photo to print for relatives, and he cropped out the school logo and re-printed them all. (It’s a known special school that deals primarily with children on the spectrum).

I’ve no idea what DH’s plans are - to leave, presumably. I was so shocked I didn’t ask him to elaborate.

DS and I are reasonably plugged in to local services for disabled kids, but I appreciate all the suggestions because there are a few I hadn’t thought of/will look into. The school strategies are pretty “low demand” and they don’t sweat the small stuff, which works for DS as he has poor impulse control and often immediately regrets any poor decisions. This is anathema to DH who is a bit more disciplinarian.

We’ve been offered parenting courses, but only I’ve attended them. Some were pretty good, others not so.

Will post more later - need to get DS sorted.

You sound like a wonderful mum. I think you need to know if this was a horrible outburst from your DH or if he actually plans to leave. I hope he isn’t saying he doesn’t want to see DS again as that would be hugely traumatic. If he does leave, you need agreed maintenance as why should he just get to leave and shirk off his responsibilities.

I read a stat that 67% of marriages where a child has a disability end in divorce within 5 years of diagnosis, guess who ends up with custody? Yes mums because the men walk away. Quelle surprise

After he got smacked, DH just summoned me to DS’ room and reported it, not doing anything to manage it himself. I felt like the child police tbh. I am not excusing violence in any way, but DS did not leave a mark or do any damage. DH then said “this is what you have allowed him to become”.

I’ve also said some dubious things in the heat of the moment, so I can understand and forgive in principle if there is a plan to manage DS together, supportively. However DH has doubled down this morning, repeated the remarks, and screaming at DS for the crime of spilling a cuppa. (He’s dyspraxic - think St, Bernard with a paper bag on its head).

@YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators your post makes a lot of sense. There is cognitive dissonance here - DH saying “you must rest and take it easy” while kicking off WW3 with DS and demanding I fix him. It’s extra hard because I can’t drive for 6 weeks, or even walk far, so I feel stuck.

No respite offered and afaik not available. None of the SEN parents I know have ever been able to get any, sadly.

@bettydavieseyes I want to raise DS with DH as a family because that’s DS’ best chance of stability and maximum support, it’s his “normal”. When I told DH that it was unfair to leave me to raise a severely disabled child alone, he offered to have him one day a week and pay “whatever I have to”. That broke me tbh. I’ve tried to be supportive by dealing with all the admin and leaving DH to “enjoy” DS with all his quirks. He’s just not interested. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you for all the replies and I’m sorry I haven’t replied to everyone individually.

Oh OP I'm so sorry for you. I imagine this has been brought to a head by your recent major surgery - you don't say what it was but if it was an emergency it may have given him a fright realising that without you there it would be all on him - or even if it was planned, I imagine he has had to step up for DS more than usual (i.e. more than nothing by the sound of it) and the exposure has shattered his denial and exposed to him his own total weakness and incapability to cope with DS.

A lot of men hate failure. They don't like doing things they're not good at, it confronts their fragile ego and hey can't bear it so they bail out. He is one such weak man.

I would have a good cry in private, dry your tears, and then put him mentally in the same pot as the LA, Social Services, GP etc - all the people you have had to fight to get your DS what he needs. He is no longer on your team (and it sounds like he never was).

Then go and have a very detached, clear-eyed conversation with him about what he intends and what you will accept. You're married which is lucky - is he self-employed or salaried? As he obviously expects you to have 100% custody, what is his plan for financially supporting DS? If the answers aren't grovellingly accommodating, contact a lawyer and make a plan to take him for all you can get - not for you but for your child.

You can't make him love his child - but you can make him pay for him. He doesn't get to just absolve all responsibility because he has buyer's remorse.

I'm so sorry for you OP, but not for your son. He has a strong, loving mother at his back and is about to lose his heartless, cruel father. He will be OK x

He's obviously also very bothered about his image and what other people think, so as things progress make no bones whatsoever to his family, your family, mutual friends and any of his colleagues you are friendly with about why he is leaving. He doesn't love his own child and is abandoning his wife to raise him alone. Not a good look at all.

I think the issue is that he is blaming OPs parenting.

Not only does this mean he sees the child as OPs responsibility, not his, but also that he does not understand the diagnosis and what it means.

OP could your H also have autism? My Ex did ( not diagnosed till well after we had children), and when our children had issues, he was completely unable to understand that their behaviour was due to medical reasons and not them being ‘bad’. He blamed them, blamed me - it was truly awful. If I am honest, it made me hate him.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound like an absolutely brilliant Mother. Your son is so fortunate to have you. Do you have any other support from family? I am so sorry your H is not doing his job as a husband and father and supporting you. Too many men think they can ‘opt out’ and leave the woman to it, when things get hard.

Op, Google short breaks and your LA name if you’re in England and the process for short breaks should come up. If others parents at the specialist setting don’t get SB, encourage them to do the same. You could also request a carers assessment from the LA. Pls Google that also. There are small things out there that can make this journey easier. It sounds like things are at breaking point, better to get this in place sooner rather than later.

i guess you also know whether the relationship is survivable. My DH has been an arsehole and lazy, and a lot is left to me. But he does step up, we have a large family and multiple disabilities. We have a broadly similar style of parenting (but for instance, he thinks I spoil the teen girls with stuff, but he grew up on a farm with a lot of brothers, doesn’t it), which is what has allowed our marriage to endure.