Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

He's completely deflecting his failure as a parent on to you.

You would be better off separated OP.

Your son can't find an emotional safe space with this man around. That's not your fault. That's your husbands fault and it's him who should be feeling shame at that. Not you.

It's not your job to educate him on the ins and outs of autism, he has access to the Internet. He can use Google. He has just chosen not to, and therefore has chosen not to find out what the best way to support his child.

Yes he may have been less enthusiastic about having children than you but he didn't take any responsibility for himself to make sure children didn't happen and now he should take responsibility for a whole human being with thoughts and feelings that he created but you can't make him do that.

Instead you need to be there for yourself and your child.

Do whatever you need to do to find empowerment to leave this person who is toxic to your life and your child's emotional safety.

You're wrong

They can and do opt out. They walk away.

You can't force men, and it is 99% of the time men, to parent.

You sound very naive.

I’m so sorry op. It’s so hard for you especially as you aren’t firing on all cylinders. I have a disabled ds too who although young seems like he could be showing signs of autism (brain damage from newborn). We have all had moments of I can’t do this after a particularly bad week but your dh seems to have gone past that and just wants to check out which is very unkind and and unfair to both you and ds. You can’t (and wouldn’t dream of doing it) so why should he? And yes the school are right not to sweat the small stuff, being a nitpicking disciplinarian won’t work for someone who is nd, like you say it’s impulse and they regret it. The ‘image’ thing makes me particularly sad (and angry), your dh should be proud of his son and how he’s achieving- not ashamed he doesn’t go to the prep school!

Last week, I screamed at my child, this is not normal. It's not normal what you're doing. I said other horrible things. PDA. Loads of behaviour I don't care about. The angry, controlling, arguing, sometimes nasty heartless and almost devoid of empathy; this is so hard to deal with.

I'm a compassionate loving person. I have so many problems health wise I'm now broken by it all and can't find the compassion some days or even regulate my own response.

It's an incredibly difficult life. 💐

Does your DH do anything with your son - sport, hobbies? He is 9 years old, they should have a bond.

Do you need to start your own thread to get some support? If your child has PDA, I'd really recommend talking to the PDA Society.

Im the parent of a PDA child and I do think OPs DH is a monster.

He is blaming all of this child's behaviour on OPs parenting instead of doing what us mums have to do which is put in the time and effort to research and understand and advocate and fight for resources for our children's poorly understood behaviours. He's placed himself in a position where it's OP against the world instead of him and OP against the world and that is disgusting behaviour. Not to mention she is recovering from a surgery. Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

Yes we do all have thoughts when we are stressed and we need a sounding board to just get it all out there and there are times where we think we just can't go on and perhaps we could have handled things better but that's not just what is going on here.

He has waited until OP is in a position where she's vulnerable and recovering and pointed the finger for the consequences of his own actions with a child he has had no interest in maintaining a safe space with.

To clarify few points, we're pretty sure DS has PDA. Our LA doesn't "recognise" PDA as a separate diagnosis (whatever that means) so we've nothing official, but he's pretty textbook.

I have tried like buggery to medicate his ADHD for years, but he won't swallow capsules and is like a bloodhound for sniffing out any suspicious substances in drinks etc. (He told his Reception TA that I kept putting sand in his breakfast yogurt, which they thought was a safeguarding issue. It was Medikinet... )

On the "wanting a child" point, I have been with DH for nearly 20 years. I have a genetic condition with a 50% chance of passing it on to any children. I wasn't prepared to take the risk so I had resigned myself to remaining childless and we had a lovely childfree life for many years. At age 39, a pre-implantation genetic test was made available and we agreed that we would try, starting IVF just after my 40th birthday. Time wasn't on our side, I was in a good place where I could accept either outcome, and it felt like a one-off 'moonshot', but - typical! - first egg harvested, first FET lead to DS and I had the easiest pregnancy in the world. I hope that wasn't a massive drip feed, but there was no inveigling or deception of DH.

Agreed. I feel really sad for both you and your boy having read that. Our youngest child is being assessed for various bits and can be quite challenging. He was our accidental, what we call 'bonus baby. I have always felt that he was more my responsibility because of that (illogical I know)and always tried to smooth things over, and I remember saying to DH that I felt everyone resented him and I was worried that he ruined everything for them. DH has a little less patience with him (which is fine; parenting has to be balanced) but was horrified at the suggestion and told me it was a horrible thing to think/say. Which it was, but I'm glad I said it because seeing his genuine horror that anyone could think that would be the case reassured me greatly that while DS can be a pickle, he is equally adored, and deserving of adoration, by both his parents.

Life can be harder on those with neurodiversities, and I'm really sorry that your DH isn't lining up to go to bat for your child. I know that it is a hell of a lot of pressure, but it sounds like you have this covered, so have faith in yourself.

PT nursery from 9 months? Why?

Sometimes it happens that in a relationship one person carries the load and the other is in it for a free ride. Sometimes people find it OK, as long as the free rider does not ADD to the hassle. Your dh appears to be adding to your hassle, you are better off without him. He is not a husband, he is I don't know what. 'For better, for worse', my arse. He is not a husband anyway.

Since both Autism and ADHD are hereditary things I think he should be careful blaming YOU for the way your son is. It is just as likely his genes in play. Not really helpful but playing the balme game in a case like this? It's a no-go.

I wouldn't be too het up about the adhd meds - anecdotally, i doubt the effect of adhd meds where there's also autism - i tried adhd meds and while i could focus more, it just made my autism very much more prevalent.

This is your DHs loss not yours. Our son with autism, dyspraxia, ADHD went through a very bad patch 9 to 12years. I know others who had children with what now would be diagnosed as PDA, wreaking havoc on family life, affecting all the family members.
But they got through it as families and their children were amazing, successful in what they were good at (which was many many things) Not necessarily a traditional academic pathway. Despite the children being "bright".
My husband has such an incredible bond with ds 23, although he (ds) can be at times infuriating and demanding. Ds would probably say his dad had faults too. But they established shared activities. In their case theatre and watching football matches and going out to nice bistros! Ds is very fussy about food and texture so when he started eating bits of mushroom or admired garnish on the burger bun it was a big win.
There is hope and love and laughter ahead. Ds has a job, he plans things, he is sociable, he is interested in so many things.

There is something there to enrich your DHs life, it's not just heavy caring responsibilities ahead.

It sounds like he is the person who needs to get in touch with his own emotions and pushing back on you is of course a classic response, avoidance and blame. You might need to do some work with a counsellor to see you can't make him do anything or behave better, only he can do that for himself. But you can make it clear to your DH that none of your husband's responses are YOUR responsibility. You can listen sympathetically if you feel up to it, for a very short while, accept his outrageous emotions without arguing back; it would be a saintly thing to do and might actually improve the situation..but in the end you are being asked to do the impossible, adjudicate.
I wouldn't respond...Let Him DO what he wants, if he wants to leave, let him. It's not your problem.

That must have been really hard, and I'm sorry that you're in this position.

Devil's advocate - could your husband be really struggling with the idea his child has additional needs? If he's not attending appointments etc (which of course he should be!) perhaps he just doesn't really understand? That's no excuse, but just trying to see it from a burying head in the sand perspective. Or could it have been just the shock from being smacked? Again, not an excuse, but just trying to look at a different viewpoint.

Either way, it's something he's going to have to learn to deal with .when we have children we all understand (or should understand), that there's a chance our child might have additional needs and as parents, we dont get to say 'well i dont like it so i dont want them anymore.' He can't undo having a child. He can't change his child because he doesn't want to deal with it.

It must have hurt a lot to hear that, and I'm hoping for all of your sakes he said it out of pure frustration and shock.if he continues to feel like that, I think I would end up leaving with my child because he is what matters the most, and like you said, his biggest supporters should be his parents.

Talk to your husband and see if this is really how he feels. He needs to step up with coming to your sons appointments to learn how to understand it better. If he doesn't change and that's how he really feels, you do have some difficult decisions but the fact you know this shows that you are your sons biggest supporter.

I'm so sorry that you've experienced this. I don't have experience of being mum to a child with additional needs but many of my friends are and I see how tirelessly they advocate for their children and how difficult it can be. Do you have any other support from family or good friends?

Thankyou. I don't wish to derail. I see OPs position and equally relate to the father's outbursts. I've been on both sides. Also experienced significant gaslighting from the father ( clearly Autistic but masked ) that it was a parenting problem.

OP may find it interesting that my PDA son now lives full time with father and stepmum ( some angel from above). My serious health challenges forced it. His father actually is calmer it seems than me. I think he relates to parts of it.

So I have no place to moan really. It's devastating in other ways that when I see them for short bursts it's difficult. They're incredibly dominant.

For OP, being a woman alone in this situation; it can be easier but it can be very difficult alone, with a boy especially come teenage years. This can become too much to manage if you have no back up OP. I would be sure to have this conversation with your DH. Remind him, gently of his obligation as a father to support you in your vulnerable position as mum and female to a strong boy.

I would not rule out thinking about medication down the line either tbh.

@SussexLass87 Thankyou for your post though. I have a regular counsellor. I fully understand PDA but I've simply lost will and capacity in my unique situation to deal with it. 🙏

That's a good question. It was so I could go back to work, but we chose the nursery attached to the prep school to secure him a place because they give priority for Reception to children coming up through their nursery/pre-school. I don't think it's massively early tbh, but that might just be a reflection of friends/colleagues locally rather than "the norm".

@Vinvertebrate has anyone ever suggested fluoxitene? A recent psych - a leader in the field explained why ADHD meds in this situation aren't always a good idea. The anxiety often drives the aggression as you highlighted.

Maybe not for now but maybe in the future it's something to think about.

I know how shocking this all sounds to people reading who aren't dealing with this.

DH then said “this is what you have allowed him to become”.

How DARE he say that. You are the one who has loved and supported your son and helped him access the best support. You are clearly the one using the strategies that work and trying to keep a calm and suitable environment at home for your son. Of all the comments, this is the one that is making me most angry. As he clearly meant and it was not a heat of the moment comment.

You are amazing and he’s a dick. I’m so sorry. Thank goodness your son has you.

It would take a hell of a lot of apologies for me to move past that

I have professional and personal experience of children with autism. You don't get a diagnosis, especially at age 3, or a special school place if your child is badly behaved or been parented badly. It just doesn't happen.

I've seen a lot of Dads walk out because they can't cope with having a child with a disability. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

OP l’m so sorry but l don’t think there’s any coming back from this. Your DH is blaming you for the behaviour when he has full knowledge of the diagnosis and support services in place, yet he’s behaving in ways towards your son that he knows will kick off an incident or meltdown. A large small part of me hopes that smack really hurt because it was richly deserved.

Your updates are concerning. It seems he’s ashamed of the disability and more concerned about his own image than the welfare of his DS and yourself - the fact that he chose to make his announcement at a time when you’re vulnerable reinforces this, as does the behaviour with the photos.

He hasn’t accepted that his son is disabled and if that hasn’t happened after six years it’s never going to. If, so far, he hasn’t engaged with any of the support services or attempted to learn more, as any committed parent would do, then he’s not going to. It’s too hard, and it’s easier to blame you than commit to what your DS needs. And l think your son being exposed to this kind of treatment will undo much of the help he’s getting elsewhere.

l think most parents of disabled children reach a breaking point and reset. And l think maybe you should try talking to DH again when things are calmer to see if this is possible, but frankly l think the damage is done. The offer of one day a week plus paying whatever he has to hasn’t come out of the blue either - that’s not something you just blurt out, it’s something he’s given thought to and now it’s out there.

You need to clarify his intentions. You’re already being left with the vast majority of responsibility for your DS and your DH appears to be contributing nothing but resentment and hostility. So maybe it would be better to accept his offer and separate. At least then your DS would have a more peaceful home environment and you would be better able to concentrate on his needs. I’m really sorry this is happening to you, it must be so hard.

I’m sorry OP, that’s incredibly difficult at a vulnerable time for you. I don’t have anything to add but wanted to tell you that all the evidence shows that while two parents are preferable, one strong solid adult in a child’s life is enough to provide a stable environment and upbringing. That’s a huge pressure on you and I’d encourage you to access all the support you can but you sound like the exact parent your son needs.

My DS is ND too (as am I) and it can be exhausting to breaking point. It is absolutely not your parenting and it sounds as if you really understand him and his needs.

Is your husband ND? My DF was AuDHD but never diagnosed (I’m diagnosed both). DF never wanted children either and was much happier after he left. He did his best once he was 100 miles away and I know he loved me but in terms of actual parenting he was useless. Not to justify your DH at all, just that I can see now, looking back, why my DF had almost nothing to do with me.

You sound strong, tuned in and caring. The long term decisions can come when you’re feeling better. Un-MN hugs.

It is the norm for most working parents, some even have to use FT nursery, heaven forbid eh? 😉

You are far too kind in your response here, it was not a good question, it's a judgemental question and not inkeeping with the tone of the thread.

I have no words of advice except you are an amazing mother and please take on board all the wonderful replies you have been given xx

It can be awful. My DS is ASD and between the age of 8-10 whacked us a number of times.

You don't really know what you could cope with until it is you doing the parenting.

I am so sorry you are going through this op.

Pretty appalling behaviour from your DH and the consequences of that was that he got a smack in the face. Is your DH able to see his own bad behaviour?

He wants his own bad behaviour to go unchallenged and silently accepted, but he has much higher standards for a 9yo with SEN.

You and DS will be fine @Vinvertebrate . You sound like a very good mum going through a particularly hard time at the moment 💐

I have a DS with Autism and ADHD and an adult DS with Autism and strong PDA profile. I absolutely agree with you that the best preparation for adult life and demands is to keep the home environment very low demand. Not to say low standards at all, but extremely predictable.

Something that works in our house is technology telling DC when it is time to do things. Time limits and windows of use set on devices and Alexa reminders for getting dressed and homework etc.

A change of routine (you being in hospital and out of action) would have really unsettled my DC and extra 'treats'/ weekend/holiday practices go a long way, dinner on the sofa, watching something together, taking the demands down a notch to get through a difficult period.