Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

I'm sorry op, but you need to leave. This man doesn't want to be here.

I guarantee that once you separate, your dh will find a way to make out that you are keeping his son from him and he can no longer stress himself out 🙄

Just separate, go through cms and raise this child yourself. There's no shame in being a single mum and sometimes, it's the better option. Ds may have his struggles but he can pick up on things and I'm sure he knows that something isn't right with his dad.

Separate, for yourself and ds x

I agree. I really don't think I would cope with such challenging behaviour from a child. Your DH shouldn't have lashed out physically but the day to day stress has made him reach the end of his tether.

What your DH has said is clearly tremendously disappointing, upsetting and stressful. However there’s little to no compassion in your post for your DH. Instead of seeing him as ‘hectoring’ maybe you could listen to his experience that he isn’t coping. Isn’t it very common for parents with ND children to feel this way? Perhaps with some support from external people (therapy, medication, supper services, peer support like caters cafe) he could better parent. It’s appalling that he’s been hit in the face, of course it isn’t your DS fault but it’s still something very upsetting.

Are there any signs that DH might be autistic too?

It was not the DH who lashed out physically it was the child. The DH was punched in the face by his 9 year old child.
OP people think and say terrible things in the heat of the moment and it's fairly understandable when your DH just suffered physical abuse from his child for him to feel a degree of despair at the situation.
Physical abuse is never OK, even when there is a reason it happened. As others have pointed out your DH may be looking ahead to when your son is bigger and stronger - has your son ever been physically abusive to you OP or is it always directed at his father because if the latter is the case I can see why he might be feeling extremely negative

Neurodiversity is an inherited condition

I’m so sorry OP. I’ve felt like I’ve “had enough” as has DH at times. The feeling in and of itself is pretty normal for a high needs SEN child. But feeling fed up and finding ways to give yourself a break and feeling fed up and then abandoning your child are two extremely different things. Do you have a place you can share hard feelings? Or do you always have to suck it up and be the strong one?

It’s common for men to take longer to accept additional needs and it was a hard few years in my marriage when my DH didn’t except it. But he got there and is now very good at low demands.

I can’t tell you whether this was a moment of him not coping and venting or a sign that he needs to leave. But right now I would prioritise asking for any help you might be able to get, which sounds needed regardless. Do you have any respite?

Sorry I misread the post. In which case I have total sympathy for the DH. Physical abuse from a child is wrong. People can't be subjected to this sort of abuse day in day out without feeling despair and wanting out of the situation.

OP
You have to understand.
You love your DS with all your heart. But that's biological.
But for some people - vastly, men - that biological pull is not strong enough to overcome the aversion to enduring unpleasant behaviour. Like they wouldn't from a stranger.

Interesting that you have sympathy for the DH when you thought it was him lashing out but also sympathy for the DH when it was the child lashing out.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m ashamed to say my DS did this to my DDiL last year. My DGC is slightly older than your DS but has similar ND.
So you are prepared what to expect, my DS has his DC minimally and never overnight because he feels he couldn’t cope. My DiL needs to work FT but needs as much support as I can give (I work FT and live 300 miles away). My business partner is supportive but has their own struggles so I am limited as to when I can help.
Gather as much help as you can from family including all grandparents. You will need it especially if you work. My DGC only have me.
My DGC adores their DD but are under no illusions that he abandoned both their DM and them.
Good luck to you.

At Christmas, I purchased the digital version of DS’ school photo to print for relatives, and he cropped out the school logo and re-printed them all. (It’s a known special school that deals primarily with children on the spectrum).

This is one of the saddest things I've read on Mumsnet. He really hasn't accepted your DS's diagnosis at all which might explain why he's not prepared to use autism-aware parenting strategies.

Sadly you might have to accept that the marriage is over. I can see why you would think it's in DS's best interests to have both parents raising him together, especially given your own childhood experiences, but it would also be in his best interests not to be living with an adult who is clearly ashamed of him and who is hectoring him constantly about things he can't help.

It's incredibly common for parents of disabled children to have regrets and wish that their lives were different. Most of them just don't voice them because of the judgement they'll receive from people who have no idea at all what it's like to live their lives. He's reached the end of his tether after being punched in the face by his child. Is that really so unreasonable ? Maybe it brought home to him how different his parenting experience is than he thought it would be and how his life will always be dictated by the needs of his child. Most people have a child who isn't disabled, who doesn't punch them in the face and between the ages of 18-21 they move out. Maybe he's facing down the reality of the situation of the rest of his life and he can't cope. He's only human. He's not a bad person for struggling with a situation that a lot of people would have crumbled under before now.

My child has autism, adhd and pda and i quite often think i wish things were different and regret some of my choices. I wouldn't break up my family or leave my children but i can certainly empathise with why your dh feels the way he does. I deal with that by having therapy, practising self care and walking away and leaving them to their dad to deal with when my dcs behaviour pushes me over my threshold.

Would you rather after the kid hit him in the face that he continued trying to deal with the situation? He did the right thing putting distance between him and the child.

He didn't want a child, and now he's tired of being a literal punching bag for one..

If he wants to leave, let him leave. That's by far theifsirest thing for everyone in this situation.

Would you rather after the kid hit him in the face that he continued trying to deal with the situation? He did the right thing putting distance between him and the child.

Surely - SURELY - what anybody would prefer is that having reduced his son to tears, the father would pause to wonder whether or not he needed to keep on and on at him, and choose to back off before he got any further dysregulated.

I recognise a much milder form of this behaviour in my own DP who will sometimes get cross with autistic DD about something she can't help and will then persist and persist with the telling off to the point DD has a meltdown, leaving me to pick up the pieces. The difference is that DP is working really hard to use alternative strategies and only rarely falls back into this pattern.

I don’t have any advice as someone who has been through this myself but I have a friend who went through something similar. She thought being a single parent to asd child was going to be hard but actually it was like a weight was lifted… she no longer had to walk around on eggshells.

You sound like an incredible mother to your son. Your DH sounds like someone you’d both be better without. Do what you need to protect your son, even if that does result in your marriage ending.

Wishing you all the best, things sound tough but you and your son will get through anything together.

Absolutely amazed by all the people empathising with the DH. Yes having disabled kids is tough. Yes it is horrible to be hit by your child, and the parents definitely need to develop their DS's coping strategies to the point he doesn't hit out as it is unacceptable.

But all of this is true for the OP as well (in fact more so as she is the one dealing with everything on the daily). And she isn't cutting and running. I mean imagine if she said "ok you're right, this isn't what I signed up for either, let's put him up for adoption". Would that be ok because she's "at the end of her tether"? Because the only reason he can do this is because he knows the OP won't. He is sacrificing her to save himself. And it is SHIT. No two ways about it. He has failed dismally as a husband and s father.

Of course it's ok to have a breaking point, to take time out, to rail and cry at the unfairness of it all. But not to just opt out of your child because they don't meet your standards.

If the OP got a long term or terminal illness, would it be totally fine for him to say "I didn't sign up for this and I can't bear it, I'm off"? (In fact a LOT of men in supposedly successful and loving marriages do this).

Ok he can do it; doesn't make him any less of a weak coward.

I assume you are not getting any respite where the two of you can spend time together without your DS? If you are to continue, you need this. Google your council name and carers assessment and ask for a carers assessment. Use the terms "in crisis" and explain that you are very close to a family breakdown.
There is no shame in asking for help. You need it. Also even if it doesn't work out with you and your husband, it is better to ask for support now as some councils say that once you are separated, because you share childcare, you both get a break and therefore you are less likely to get respite.
The sort of things which are available could be a holiday club for school holidays (5 hours one of two days a week) extra money to attend after school club, a foster placement for occasional over night stays (very rare), overnight placement in a children's home (also pretty rare) , money towards a nanny if you are both at work, a Saturday club , money to employ a carer for a few hours a week to take him to a club or activity like swimming or cubs.. etc

If he didn't want one he shouldn't have had one. What did she do, steal his sperm like a succubus? He chose to have a child. He doesn't get to just return to store because it isn't what he bargained for.

Typical male nonsense.
I have one of those kids (among other NT ones), albeit home ed because no suitable space.
He is now 11 and grew out of the angry stage by about 9 and yours will too.
Main thing I was doing is emotional regulation though, for years.
Things like explaining once calm how better to approach situation.
Allowing him to work out what helps when getting angry (quiet spot and self pacing).

This is a shit situation for everyone.

I have a child with autism but she doesn’t face the same level of challenge as your DS. It’s exhausting and I have some sympathy with your DH. Did he not want to have a child beacuse that adds a whole level of complication.

Whatever happens next you and do discuss your DS diagnosis. Has he explored what it means and how good parenting of a child with ASD can be often be different to a NT child.

Everyone makes mistakes. Learning a different way is hard, especially when you're already in flight or fight mode yourself. Im autistic too, and walking away from an angry child who is being rude is very, very hard. My dc knows exactly what to say or do to trigger me. Sometimes i don't have that ability to deescalate. Sometimes i do. Sure id love to always remember 100% of the time that I'm the adult and dc is a child, and be a calm, tolerant, lovely mum. But this is real life, not a parenting book.

Id hate for anyone to judge me on my worst moments because there's been plenty of those. I've accidentally pushed my dc into meltdown plenty of times. I've shouted or forgotten to do low demand, got frustrated and caused a meltdown and then walked away to leave dh to deal with it. He's done the same to me. Because we are human and there's a limit to what we can tolerate. Obviously it would be better to walk away before you blow your lid, but what if you don't know how close you are?

We aren't all born knowing how to parent an autistic child. Nobody tells you what to do so you have to muddle through it and work it out and hope you don't traumatise your kid too much in the meantime. Op's dh obviously thinks ops approach isn't working, she thinks his approach isn't working, so they need to communicate better.

I think there is a little bit of double standards at play here. There has been a lot of sympathy, empathy and support for mums on here when they have ‘had enough’ in these situations. Why not dads too? It must be enormously challenging to raise a child who is SEN, with challenging behaviour. We only have a snapshot here of how the behaviour of his son has affected OPs DHs mental well-being. We’re not all saints, and shouldn’t be accused of failure when as a parent you can no longer cope. It must also be hard balancing your child’s needs with appropriate discipline and boundaries. Because a 9 year old with SEN should also be given boundaries for bad behaviour.

The dh at the moment has expressed his worst thoughts in a very low moment and said that he wants to leave. That doesn't mean that it's truly what he wants to do or that he will do it. He needs to get help - therapy or something.

If he actually follows through and leaves, then yes that's bad. But on balance it's better for the child not to have a parent around full time that resents him.