Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

It won’t get much truck here but not everyone can cope with a disabled child . I don’t think vilification of those who can’t gets us anywhere . If someone doesn’t particularly want a child and then has a disabled one it must be terribly difficult . I don’t know what the answer is but only your OH can decide where he goes from here . I think he needs to decide if this is a current wobble or if he really means enough and leaves . It sounds like you are doing the lions share anyway so doing it alone might not be such a stretch . The concern is having hit his dad what happens with you when he’s older bigger and stronger than you . Good luck , a very sad situation.

@hattie43 your point is really valid. It is going to get harder. And one can't predict how it will go for OP in a few years time as a parent alone trying to work whilst managing the stress that will come managing secondary school and puberty.

I don't know how you force a father to help. I'd be talking to him a little down the line about his financial and physical obligations here.

I think if he can just run away from this, he's going to.

I'm so sorry for the shock that OP has had, but - in my teaching role - I've seen this so many times: Mum finishes up caring for ND and any other children by herself. (The most noticeable example was a bloke who walked out on TWO families he'd had by different women: in one case, the child was high-functioning ND; in the other, there was one apparently NT child, one high-functioning ND child and one with greater ND needs.)

All I'll say is that the women seem to do better without a needy grown man making life more difficult for them.

This is a really sad situation all round OP and I am so sorry you are going through it when you are recovering too. You sound like a brilliant mum.

My experience of the SN world is different to yours, but Dads (and mums although less often) not accepting diagnosis and struggling to adapt to the life they have is common. Its really hard.

That is true, but in my experience (and I do a lot of work in the SEND sphere) it is invariably the fathers who decide they can't manage and bugger off leaving the mothers to carry it all. I have to ask myself why it is that women do, generally, cope (at massive financial and emotional cost) whilst men "can't".

@Vinvertebrate I just wanted to say you are doing a terrific job under extremely stressful and challenging circumstances, I have been in your shoes and it’s unbelievably tough. Very fortunately for me, my DH has been right there with me, but from my experience of meeting other people in this situation, he is not the norm. Men sometimes see a child with a disability as a reflection on themselves, they are ashamed and embarrassed by it, and those feelings are complicated by the fact that I think mostly, they do love the child, they just don’t want to deal with the disability.

Your DH has picked a particularly selfish time to have this conversation when you are so vulnerable, and I think when you are recovered there needs to be a very frank and open discussion about his contribution to your situation, he either accepts your son absolutely or he doesn’t.

I also wanted to say that you cannot see into the future, but your son will grow and change, with your support and obvious love for him, his future may not be as bleak as I believe your DH thinks. I wish you all the very best of luck and a speedy recovery 💐

He is blame shifting his guilt onto you. Much easier for him to say you caused it so it’s your issue then to admit the truth. Why do men do this, they get away with so bloody much. Mine was similar but in terms of abuse. I caused his reaction apparently so that made it easy for him to leave all the fault with me and walk off Scott free. I couldn’t forgive this.

I don’t know how men are much more able to always behave like this. Maybe they just lack the empathy. I often think they are much more transactional based so when they have to give but don’t feel like they receiving they just cut off.

MADE him have one? Hello. Men need to control their own fertility! And please note, this child was conceived through IVF. So the husband will have been VERY involved in the process of conception. None of it will have been left to chance. He made a choice to participate.

So sick of lazy arse men impregnating women then blaming everyone OTHER than their semen-shooting selves for the results.

Pathetic. And women that support them are perpetuating this ridiculousness.

What happened between the not wanting tea and smacking DH? That feels like a leap.

What a horrible situation to be in.
The statistics are a high percentage of marriages end when a child has a disability. Unfortunately lots of men do simply walk away.
It sounds like he’s never accepted dc’s diagnosis.
I’d also wonder if your husband is ND. Perhaps masked by having lived a quiet orderly life for 20 years.
I suspect it’s come to a head as he’s been having to parent as you are out of action post surgery. Perhaps a what if too - if you had died in surgery he’d have been left as sole parent.
No child gets several diagnoses and a special school place easily.
Once you are well I’d look to speak to husband about separation. It sounds like he’d support financially but walk away. Hard conversations about what he would want contact wise or if you couldn’t care for him.
Do look after yourself and lean on your support network.

You forget the child in question would be your beloved child, not a hypothetical thought experiment.

My ex dh couldn’t handle our sen child’s behaviour he would just react louder to our child. Looking back my ex was probably expressing what your dh has said. I ended up as referee. You could suggest family therapy and parenting courses. But your dh is either in or out. As parents that’s not normally an option to just walk away. I hope you’re ok op. Change is hard for Sen children but if you do separate if may be easier in some ways. My life is definitely calmer now.

It's worse in this case. OP had IVF.

You don't just turn up to an IVF clinic and bam you're pregnant. There are a lot of discussions about consent and making sure each parent understands what is happening.

He had multiple opportunities to decline the procedure. If he wasn't prepared to have a child he could have used his big boy words and talked to OP or the many specialists involved in the IVF procedure.

This has been such a sad thread to read but also I'm in awe of some of the thoughtful, knowledgeable, sensitive posts.

Your DH is at a crossroads here. I think the situation is salvageable but only if he wants to and puts the work in. Would he talk to a counsellor, do you think? He clearly hasn't ever accepted DS's diagnosis and is paralysed by shame and disappointment. He can't move forward constructively in his relationship with his son without addressing this. The alternative is to walk away and lose you both. There would be no going back, no redo. Does he realise this? I don't think either of you can know what he really wants or what is best to do now until you've had these conversations.

Crikey, OP, you have a lot on your plate anyway (FT work and caring responsibilities), plus you've recently had a major operation, and now your DH is being an arse.

I can empathise because my son has autism with demand avoidant traits, and my DH has struggled to accept his diagnosis and behaviour. He's not as extreme as your DH sounds. (Removing the specialist school logo from the photo suggests to me that he's ashamed of it, which is frankly ableist and I'd be furious if my DH had that attitude.) My DH does sometimes accuse me of being too soft on the kids, although he has done some of the autism/PDA specific parenting webinars with me and that helps a lot.

My advice to you is to be mindful that the negative impact of a father who is at best negligent and at worst abusive is far greater than the potential negative impact of parental separation. Your son needs to be safe with you and he's not at the moment, not while his father there to scream at him over a spilt drink (your words)

If I were you I think I'd insist that he does couple's/coparenting therapy and some autism/PDA-specific parenting courses with you. If you need recommendations I really rate Dr Naomi Fisher, she is excellent and all her webinars I've done so far (several!) have been super useful.

If he refuses to do those things, you need to ask him to leave. It would be better for everyone.

Did you miss the parts where OP explained that she is recovering from major surgery, that she is the one who deals with both the day-to-day and all the admin/medical aspects of her child's care, that DH continually picks at the child, refuses to accept the diagnosis of autism and holds him to the same behavioural standards as an NT child? DH is a cunt and this current situation is very likely a direct result of OP being out of action due to her recent surgery and DH consequently having to have more than his regular minimal input. It's quite clear from OP's posts that DH opted out of the situation long ago. It's so unfair of you to claim that OP has 'decided' how her son must be dealt with - how do you successfully co-parent with a man who doesn't want to be involved? Jeez, it never fails to amaze me how the standards that men are held to are so disappointingly low and how many excuses are made for their utter uselessness.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If they'd known the outcome, many would think twice.

It's too late now. And OP is going to need him in some form,even just financially,to get through this.
It's a delicate game she now has to play. This is not a typical scenario where lone parenting will be possible without huge impacts on OP.

His devastation over the situation - I get it. This has been building for years. As a man,having a son that appears out of control is terrifying and triggers every imaginable part of their manhood. And yes, it's pathetic. But this is what happens and it has to be managed to get the best outcome.

I still deal with the blame game now occasionally. My child is diagnosed with many ND issues. And it still crops up even now.

PS Have you and DH looked at the PDA society website? I think they do webinars too IIRC?

For goodness sake the least he could do is wait unyil you are fully recovered from your op, he must see that!!!
I know a good few men personally who have run from disabled children. How can they think the child is not their responsibility?

I agree that you can't force a parent to be a parent. It's rubbish, but it is what it is. They won't be involved if they don't want to be, and what they should or should not do has no bearing on what actually happens unfortunately.

Why were you offered parenting classes?

Sorry to read this.

Based on your first post I thought he's suffering from blocked care and compassion fatigue and has hit a wall. I've certainly been at the end of my tether a few times so I can empathise with that.

But it sounds like he's been this way for a long time, and it's his day to day state?

And blaming you is completely out of order. Completely absolving himself from any parental influence too. It's very cruel.

If it is blocked care then to get "better" he has to want to. It sounds like you are moving heaven and earth to make things easier for your DH and it's still not enough.

thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/advice-strategy/blocked-care/

I am so sad for you and your DS, OP. You'll know this already but you cannot parent someone out of autism and your DH has far, far less excuse for losing it than your DS.

If your DH is willing to go to therapy, it's worth it being someone with expertise in autism who may have experience in your DS's and the family's challenges so they understand what's non-negotiable for your DS that might be negotiable for other families. He also needs to understand that he can't blame you - either for your DS being the way he is, or for having a child.That can only end badly.

If he doesn't understand that he needs to change, it may actually be better for you both if he leaves and pays for you to have a full time nanny or carer that your DS trusts. I say that because it must be really distressing for your DS to be berated about things that aren't his fault and for conflict to be constantly brought into his life. Being constantly in fight or flight mode will make it harder for him to learn or develop his own coping strategies.

I'm so glad your DS has you behind him. Take care of yourself, OP 💐

Tell me you've never had a neurodivergent child without telling me you've never had a neurodivergent child!

They always offer parenting courses. It's one of the hoops you have to jump through (in my area, at least) before getting a referral for assessment. In case it's your parenting and not ND. In my area you are also offered an autism-specific parenting course after diagnosis... which wasn't hugely helpful tbh as I'd already done as much research as I could by that point.