Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

You should get respite fostering, most councils offer 1 weekend a month. Often known as short breaks. I'm in the process of becoming a respite carer (nd myself). Sorry its hard

Having parented a child with similar diagnoses (particularly relevant is the PDA) I have to say that the horrified and appalled responses you’re getting are largely from people who will have no idea what you and your husband are going through.

If your child does have PDA (it’s unclear - either he’s considerably more challenging than your initial post suggests or he doesn’t have PDA) I can completely empathise with your husband. It is a condition where the resulting behaviour does ruin lives, families and marriages. I’m in enough support groups to know this.

So while it’s hurtful to hear, your husband is not the monster people are hearing from your post, when they have no idea of the lived experiences of parenting a child with PDA.

That being said, he IS the parent of a child with PDA. What is his suggestion? I don’t think you have an option other than to separate but at that point how do you ensure he pulls his weight and you aren’t left the default 24/7 parent and carer?

I don't think anyone is saying he has no right to struggle and feel like it's too much, many parents of disabled kids feel this.

What is completely unacceptable is him totally ignoring his child's diagnosis, refusing to engage in support offered such as parenting courses and laying all "blame" on his wife for how their son is, then declaring he's upping and leaving everything to her because "it's too hard".

@Vinvertebrate I'm really sorry you're going through this. I agree with @Haemagoblin - get a clear head and have a calm discussion with him. Separation sounds likely but don't be walked over. Whether he likes it or not his son is his son and he can't just walk away and leave everything to you. If he's not going to offer practical or emotional support, he at the very least is legally obligated to support financially.

As he seems so obsessed with appearances, I'd make it very clear if he tries to weasel out of that, you will make it known to everyone that he is abandoning and refusing to support his wife and disabled child. See how his prep school friends react to that.

Don't be ridiculous. If someone decides to do something they initially weren't keen on that doesn't absolve them of responsibility for their decision. If I get talked into babysitting for a friend it doesn't mean i get to leave their kids at the park and bugger off home, does it?

I understand your husband - all of it.

Autism is one thing. PDA with emotional regulation challenges: another world.

Everything your husband said, yes, I've felt them. This is not evil, it's not cruel, it is a very real, understandable NATURAL response to this situation. If you have not lived it, people will never comprehend it.

What's not ok, and this always happens ( I'll bet DH is Autistic OP), the men play the cowards blame game. That part not ok.

If you're alone dealing with this situation, it could be too much for you. Come secondary school, things get even harder. You can't force him to be involved. You can force financial support.

You have to be firm not to take any blame, which I think you won't do. Can he do 2 days a week if you separate. He'll also need to pay as per CSA recommendations. He cannot dodge that.

If your kid is in a good school and relatively ok,they'll be less difficult and it might actually be less stressful for you with husband out the picture believe it or not.

I don't think your son will care about him being out the house. Don't even worry about that part. He'll probably prefer it. But you might struggle alone here if son becomes more challenging with age. There are pros and cons.

Thanks for all the replies (even the ones that have made me wince a little!)

I do suspect DH is autistic. He is very rigid in his thinking and has some ND traits, e.g. food aversions, hyper-focus and quite obsessive interests. I didn't want this to turn into a diagnose-my-DH thread, but he was raised in a different culture which is highly conformist and somewhat competitive in terms of careers and finances, the expectation of which then passes down to DC. So there is no chance of any epiphany here, unfortunately. I knew nothing about ND until DS was diagnosed, and I suspect DH masks well, particularly in his career.

I am not taking any sanctimonious high ground over DH's remarks - I have been there too, I shudder at the things I have said/thought about DS when I have been at the end of my rope. It was the calm way that DH just came out with the "I'm off" speech that shocked me, perhaps especially because I just had a week in hospital, am full of stitches and not mobile.

I certainly don't want DH to stay and suck it up if he is miserable - I'm not a monster. If it's "fair" to let him have his life back because I wanted a child more, okay. But my ability to work depends on suitable childcare which is not easy for such severe AN, so I will need to protect DS' financial position and future as well.

I am very sympathetic towards DH when he experiences violence from DS, but I do resent being held solely responsible for it. The reason I wanged on in the OP about nursery identifying ND so early is because I suspect even the worst mother in the world couldn't ruin a child by the age of 9 months, when DS' first traits were observed.

FWIW the person DS is most violent towards is me, as his "safe space" (which the psych says is completely normal for children lacking the ability to regulate emotionally). I try to shield DH from the worst of it because I know that he doesn't cope very well. I used the word "hectoring" because it felt as though DH came home in a foul mood and took it out on DS. OTOH I am more inclined to cut DS some slack rn because I've been in hospital for a week, which has clearly made him anxious and dysregulated.

You poor thing. You’ve just had major surgery and are still recovering and the prick springs this on you. He’s having a tantrum because he’s had to live a week in your life.

Recover from surgery, contact divorce lawyers and then kick him out. I guarantee your child’s behaviour will improve immeasurably, poor kid probably walks on eggshells atm. Your husband is pathetic.

Parenting courses - I'd never engage in that. It doesn't apply where you have PDA.

If you can afford a private psychiatrist - that is the road you go down. One who understands autism, inc. PDA. You can work with them as a family. If meds are needed one day, they will prescribe also.

It does sound as though your OH's outburst is the bursting of a dam that has been building up for years.

He clearly finds it very difficult to accept the diagnoses, even though the fact that he is at a special school is evidence of a serious problem. He is dealing with this by blaming you for poor parenting.

His disappointment is understandable ... it is not what anyone would choose ... but his inability to come to terms with it and act like a good father is a huge stumbling block.

What others think seems to feature high on his agenda.

Where can you go from here? This current situation is untenable for everyone's sake.

I am sure you can see that you need a third party to mediate and help find the best outcome. I doubt he will find that acceptable, as losing face might be how he would see it.

I can only send you sympathy ... all of you .... you are all in distress.

You will know yourself, if you are NT and your child has all of these diagnoses, they haven’t come from two neurotypical parents.

Deeply unhelpful post, and clearly not way the OP sees it. The condition the son has makes parenting (for either parent) crushingly hard.

So his choice was go along with it or lose his wife, obviously not knowing at that point the child would have lifelong problems too………and obviously it’s all his fault………

Have you or your husband ever had any counselling?

I agree it is relentless. obviously he should never have said that but I don't think it is uncommon for parents of children with PDA to reach breaking point. I have often reached the stage where I have said (to myself) "I give up - this is ruining my life".
I then pick myself up the next day and carry on. Hopefully DH will do the same. I agree that the more involved he is in dealing with DS' appointments/school etc the more he will understand DS' needs, the more empathy for DS will creep in (it is however hard to have empathy when you are being hit and having to put up with hateful behaviour).
If he can pick himself back up, forgive him and help him to understand. It will be easier for you and better for DS to have both parents in his life. Be kind to each other if you can. The only way I am still standing is because my DH is standing beside me.

The OP isn't taking this approach on a whim though. It's on the basis of diagnosis, research and expert guidance. An exhausting learning process that her DH has refused to take any part in.

They are not coming to this as equals, he is stomping in in his size 9s from a place of frustration and ignoring everything she has learned about their DS and how best to manage him.

If he wants to join in the parenting, he's going to have to catch up on the work she's done first.

Besides which, why is it all on the OP to 'communicate' and 'listen' and generally bend over backwards for her DH? He has left her to do it all alone, and now he's complaining about the results. At what point has he sat her down for a proper discussion, and opened up about his fears and concerns, and showed concern for the strain SHE is under? Why is it all her job?

You make it sound like he's the only one struggling, whereas the OP has explicitly said she has been through the whole grieving process, and has had no practical or emotional support from her husband throughout.

You obviously have a view that autism can be disciplined out of a child; it can't. It has to be managed with individualised strategies for the particular child.

Yes, he had a choice; have a child or not have a child. Just like everyone else.

I knew (just like you did, if you have kids) when I had children that there was a chance they might be physically disabled or be ND or have other lifelong difficulties. If I wanted to guarantee that I didn't end up being a parent to a child with any of those conditions then I had a choice to remain childfree.

One partner saying 'I want a child' is not holding a gun to someone's head; he made a decision freely, in position of all the facts, she didn't con him into being a parent.

I am not sure what you mean when you say 'it's all his fault' - what is his fault? His behaviour is his responsibility, is that what you mean?

Hi, I am so sorry! Parts of what you are describing sounds like our life!
Our 10 year old is on the asd/adhd pathway. Functions academically well but not behaviourally.
I have holes in walls, broken wardrobe doors, we get kicked, punched, bitten, pinched...never mind the foul language!
Their father thinks it's my parenting for the most part, they needs medication, he can't deal with it anymore, is fed up and constantly escalates the situations that arise when they are dysregulated.
We are in the process of separating and I will go to court re contact etc. As he is destroying their little soul by telling them they aren't normal etcetc.
Financially I will be screwed but we will manage.
OP you sound amazing and like an amazing mother and you are doing an incredible job looking after your child.
If your husband feels this strongly HE needs to do some research, poss therapy etc.. you can't. carry this burden from your son and your husband!

Both my kids are ND and can be very challenging - so my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you're already parenting alone. The school photos at Christmas is very telling, that he just can't accept his child for who he is.

For what it's worth, you sound like a great Mum. Someone who's so caring and empathetic.

Knowing that you've had surgery and needed to recover, then escalating things with your son so that you had to intervene is just cruel to both you and your son.

That’s not true, it is possible for 2 NT parents to have an ND child.

@lazycats I disagree with your assessment. OP is recovering from surgery, that took place only a week ago, hence she can’t do the usual amount of grunt work and care for her DC and he’s kicking off….at her! He’s presenting the OP with another problem to smooth over and fix. Adding to her already heavy load. I bet the OP spends her life fixing and sorting everything out, and her DH has been oblivious to it until now. Maybe this can serve as a wake up call for her DH to see what his wife’s day to day life is actually like and for the OP to think about her needs and want she wants from her marriage and her life overall.

Parenting a kid with PDA will test any relationship to the brink. This won't be the last time either of you are going to get punched in the face or hurt in some way. If you can naturally parent in a LD way and your bloke can't, then it would be better if you split up.

You can't force someone to parent.

But the Op states that her dh wasn’t injured by her ds lashing out at him, so accepts that it’s ok. There might not be issues with a nine year old lashing out, but once her ds is 14 or 15 or older, then the lashing out could cause damage. Not just to her or her DH, but to any other random person in the vicinity. I can’t believe that the experts would condone the attacking of others. Surely there must be guidance on this, otherwise it will leave parents open to a whole other issue.

Well isn't it lucky that he can just fuck off without any worries and leave you to everything? Suggest he ties it in a knot in case he can't cope with any future kids.....

So sorry you are going through this. It is simply not fair.

These ‘men’ never cease to amaze me. I’m so so sorry OP. What a cruel thing to do to you and your son, especially when you’re recovering from surgery.
Unfortunatley, a court won’t force him to have contact with your son, but please make sure he bloody well contributes towards him. Also check if his home country is a REMO country (If not, unfortunately if he were to move back, he will not be forced to pay child maintenance).

Both of my DC fathers come from different cultures where autism ‘doesn’t exist’ and both have made remarks that it’s down to parenting (one is a GP🙄). Both of them have many autistic traits themselves.

It sounds like you do pretty much all of the admin and care for ds. I find it easier being a single parent than fannying around after a man child. Also look into UC to see what yourself and son are eligible.
All the best OP!