Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

I'm autistic too @Sostressedpda - the whole family is. I completely agree with you that we all have moments we're not proud of when we don't manage to de-escalate, I've done it, DP has done it, you've done it, I'm sure OP has done it too.

But what comes across from the OP is that her husband is ashamed of having an autistic son to the point that he has doctored the school photos rather than admit his kid is at a special school, and has never made any effort to learn appropriate strategies. That's a bit different to having one bad moment or one bad day every so often.

But it sounds like OP isn’t communicating or listening to her DH. He’s struggling. But seems OP is shutting him down and not trying to resolve matters as a team. She has decided how their son is going to be dealt with, and her DHs views or concerns aren’t up for consideration. Just maybe their son needs to start to be given stricter boundaries. Atm, it seems he’s just being allowed to behave how he wishes with no consequences. If one parent is struggling, how their child’s behaviour is dealt with needs to be reviewed.

The truth here: Sadly my exH felt the same. He left when DH was 10, moved away and had limited contact. It was incredibly tough and challenging when DS came to his teenage years especially as a single mum when the whole world will blame you for all the wrongs in society. I got through it but the mental scars will be with me for life. Sorry !!

I don't have advice but I'm just really sorry for what you're going through.
Plus the operation recovery too.

Urgh I’m so sorry OP. Devastating to hear but I don’t think unusual. I would be telling DH that the starting point for co-parenting these days is 50:50 and how does he feel about that?

This sounds completely mad but if you’re off work for a few weeks I think you should tell your dh that you’re going away for 2 weeks to recuperate and ds is all his.
It will be make or break but perhaps he’ll learn and his relationship with his ds may turn a corner for the better.
It certainly couldn’t make it any worse.

I think this would be the end for me OP. He's entitled to his feelings, sure, but not to take them out on you and DS in this way. Sorry, you don't deserve this. DS is who he is, and he doesn't deserve to be bullied for it, nor do you deserve all this blame.

My DH was very much not on board with DC's diagnoses to start off with. Still hasn't told any of his family, for example, and we've got two DC at uni. He just thought it was normal, which it is - for them. Then I realised he didn't do school runs, he didn't do the parties, he didn't do Beavers, he didn't do playdates or swimming - he mainly saw his own ND kids and so of course he thought all kids were like that. He didn't do the coffee mornings or nights out and hear how Tristan was doing X and Araminta could do Y, when ours could barely do Z. He also didn't do all the appointments, or deal with school, at all. He doesn't have the group of friends who also have SN kids. He doesn't get the crushing sense of disappointment I sometimes do either, so there's that - and he never got the physical violence I got from the DC, nor the judgemental disapproval from every parent and teacher within sight. I get some of where your DH is - I have walked out, just for a night, back in time to do the school run, naturally - because they are my kids and my responsibility and they need me. And now they aren't 9 year olds they can be quite good fun and they sleep more and don't punch me so much.

Would your DH be willing to talk to anyone at all?

I would have said “sleep on it” but if he’s doubling down on it this morning then it’s time to talk practicalities. What does he actually want? To divorce and move out? How will co-patenting work? What will finances look like, etc.

Be as calm as you can and treat it like a business meeting.

Medicate his adhd and most likely the violence will stop. Have a child simular In fact I have 2.
Child 1 adhd movement coordination disorder (it's not called dysbraxia anymore) dyscalculia sensory issues. Just because she has this doesn't mean she isn't told off and has to tow the line isn't what punishment has he had for hitt9ng your husband. His dad. My dd has hurt friends being nasty before but never intentional we work on this by me always being impartial for literally everything and asking her thoughts feelings perspective when had a bust up. I then ask how they may be feelings or I go through the narrative she gave. It does help however I'm always told I'm not on her side etc I say I am her biggest cheerleader but for reflection this is good. I also don't give her money if she misbehaves I've found this much more effective than taking the phone. Also medicated now and mood is much better.

Child 2 adhd violent smashes things smashed some child's ipad at school i still discipline again differently. She hates talking about anything so kicks of when try so usually take ipad of her and she is told she has misbehaved and I'm disappointed foe the behaviour etx. Medication have been a game changer still as she is currently giddy running around home making noises however I haven't given her meds yet. If you medicate the adhd maybe the pda which if it's adhd may be more treatable as maybe more conduct disorder ?

In a worst case scenario, if your H leaves the marriage, and if it's any comfort, my exH left me when DS1 with ASD was 11. (DD1 was 13 and DS2 was 8.) He was having an affair, but some of his 'reasons' were that he couldn't cope with the drudgery of the family routine and managing DS1. It was devastating for me but DS1 really wasn't that bothered.

Now that all my kids are adults, DD1 and DS2 live in a different city and DS1 is still with me. My exH sees DS1 every Wednesday and either takes him out for a meal, to the pictures, to a pub quiz or to his house to watch a DVD. They have a good relationship and I'm actually grateful that DS1 has a good time!

I still think exH was a selfish cheating rat, but it was better for DS1 to have a calmer home life and I coped and am stronger for it.

I think I would make it clear to your DH that when you divorce you will be going for 50/50 care for your son so that you can still work and have a life (even if you don't intend to). That will shake him up. What would happen if mum's decided to opt out of bringing up their children? It really is mind boggling that he thinks he can do that. Do you have any other children?

OP do you think your DH could be autistic / Neurodiverse? Obviously in a way that's had a milder impact on his life and abilities than your DS.

There's growing evidence to suggest these conditions are primarily genetic and inherited from a parent, and you said you are NT.

I've noticed in a few families I know with autistic children that the dad is very obviously autistic as well and he doesn't seem to deal with the child's challenges very well at all. And it all falls to the NT mother. I can kind of understand it, if the parent is also autistic then they'll likely struggle more with the disruption / dysregulation / lack of control.

It’s alright always blaming the bloke in situations but if he didn’t want children and you have also stated he wasn’t keen, you’ve forced a lifestyle onto him in the name of keeping you happy and now the child is very difficult and challenging by the sounds of it and you’re expecting him to also keep you happy by putting in the same amount of effort as yourself, sounds like you were very self centred in your decision and now he is being self centred in his but maybe you shouldn’t have pushed for a child that you are now going to struggle to raise alone……..

Great advice!

My child is disabled. My husband is brilliant. But when we were facing the initial diagnosis, when it became clear she would have lifelong disabilities, he broke down in tears and said “I don’t want a disabled child.” The MN advice I’m sure would have been to say to LTB. He was scared, he was voicing his feelings and if I’m honest he was voicing mine too. Can anyone truly say they’d want their child to be disabled? We talked it out, spoke of our fears and how we would cope etc. We picked our self up and moved on to the next phase which was working out how the hell to get through it and what we could do for our daughter.

Later in her life it became clear the physical disability wasn’t her only issue and our daughter was discovered to be autistic. My husband has struggled with this more than he ever did with her physical disability. There have been times when the way he has reacted to her meltdowns have made the situation worse and I’ve found him in tears saying he can’t do this any more. He is at the end of his tether and yes, he felt in those moments that my parenting had been an issue. Maybe he was right, maybe it was, it can be true that a child can’t help their behaviour AND the parent is not parenting correctly. At those times I’d think about why I had taken a particular course of action and decide whether it was a good idea. I would also point out to him why I believed his actions had been a problem. I have also been at the end of my tether and in that moment, thought I could walk away. One particularly bad period had me looking for places to live. I love my daughter more than life itself, but I was leaving. I realised the issue was my mental health and not hers, so I found the help I needed and things got much better.

Calling someone vile for having the kind of thoughts that most parents with disabled children have at some point or other is itself a vile thing to do. Unless you have been in the thick of it, or have been and aren’t being honest with yourself, you can’t comprehend just how difficult the situation can be. Parenting a disabled child takes the strength of an ox and the patience of a saint. There is no shame in finding it difficult and it takes quite a lot to voice those feelings that most of society would hate you for.

@Vinvertebrate

There is quite a lot going on at the moment, you are both under more pressure than usual. He has opened up the first line of communication, he did it calmly, which indicates he isn’t angry and lashing out, and likely feels very bad about how he feels. Deciding to walk away from him right now is quite a reactive thing to do. This needs a lot of conversation, honesty from both sides. You both need to be on the same page with parenting. If he wants to leave because he never wanted to have a child, then absolutely you should split. If he wants to leave because he finds the challenge of raising a disabled child too much, the first step is to find help and support which will help you both understand the best way to handle the situation.

I don’t think this is something your relationship can’t recover from, but in order to get through it, open and honest conversations are the key.

It is so hard to be where you are. I’m sending a big virtual hug.

Do you think your DH would be open to speaking with a therapist? Echoing those who say that he's obviously finding it very hard and clearly has some complex feelings around your son's diagnoses. He might be able to explore these through therapy and hopefully find a way forward where he can build a better relationship with his son. I'd caveat this that it needs to be a good, experienced therapist who will allow him to be open but without just validating him.

And then maybe couples therapy too - whether it's to work out a way of being together or separating as amicably as possible.

I’m sorry he said that. Hopefully he will regret it and apologise profusely

When he says, "look what you've let him become," what is his alternative strategy for your DS and has the merits of that ever been discussed with any professional?

I am not excusing his behaviour at all BTW, I am just trying to understand why he blames you when presumably every professional you interact with enforces your approach?

He was there when the child was conceived. I don't think he was forced into it.

Op I'm a mum in the same situation. He needs to leave. You can't unhear what he has said. My kids try so hard to get their dads approval and it's heartbreaking. Your love for him will change.

I have a good friend whose husband left her, due to her autistic daughter. It was the best thing that could have happened. He was making the poor child's life miserable for a condition that was totally outside her control.

The daughter is now at uni and although she'll always need supported living, is a lovely, intelligent, kind young woman. But she would never have got to that point if she'd grown up with her father around.

Totally his loss.

If he’s screaming at ds over some spillage I think you need him to leave. Yes it means he gets what he wants (no more dealing with ds on a daily basis) but you and your son will be so much better off without him. He brings too much negativity, stress and conflict into an already challenging environment. I’d rather parent alone than parent with him (I speak as a single mum albeit not with nd challenges).

Oh no of course blatantly stating he didn’t want a child and the OP acknowledging he wasn’t keen but yet make him have one anyway and now cry that he’s not supporting anyone, can’t have your cake and eat it too…….theres no way I’d have a child with a man that isn’t really keen on having kids and that’s a child without any challenges, someone either needs to be on board or it doesn’t happen, if he’s only done it to keep her happy he’s clearly now had enough and maybe she should have considered his feelings in the first place and found someone who actually wanted children…….

What a brilliant response.. I learn something every day from the brilliant mums on here.

sending lots of love x