Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

Nailed it. Simples.

Block and delete.

He’s now 45, still with his wife, still cheating left right and centre.

He’s temporarily out of shags and thought he’d give you a try.

It isn’t a loveless / sexless marriage that makes men cheat, it’s they values.

A decent man would be honest and brave, leave a bad relationship before starting again.

If he came to you poring over his Spotify list etc, maybe needing to move in because his wife has finally kicked him out and a place to crash with added shag sounds good, right, he would soon be cheating on you.

Engage common sense, step into the real world and sort out your Daddy issues that even make this question worth asking.

What? They are both disgusting. Get off your high horse.

He’s a predator, you won’t see it like that yet but just wait till you have your own children, you will be distraught you ever let someone like that touch you.

Block & Delete.

Nah. She's an actual adult. People need to take responsibility for their own actions. Asking this question is nuts.

OP was an adult, she’s equally culpable.

Or "I'm bored fucking the same person, I want to fuck other people on the side, but I don't want her doing that too, or divorcing me".

He’s bored.

You don’t actually mean anything to him he just wants a bit of entertainment. It’s up to you what you do with that.

Life is often more complicated than the black and white view of the world that you get on MN, but that affair was in the past and there's not much point beating yourself up about it. The real issue is whether there's any merit in being with him now even if the marriage has finally ended and he's free.
There's two possible reasons he's in touch. Firstly, you had a great time and he fancies the same again, but has no intention of committing (or leaving if he's still with his wife). Alternatively, best case, he is free, he was totally into you, and he wants to make a go of it in a proper relationship.
You might feel a little elated at the thought of number two, but I would think long and hard before you get involved. Let's face it, you weren't really into him so much anyway - you admit you just liked the excitement. He sounds the jealous type, so he might be a real pain to be with, especially as you are younger. And yes, that age gap will make a big difference. Age gap relationships are hard - I know, I'm in one. Taken together, you risk him not liking you going out or having fun with your younger mates, especially men, and you will likely end up stuck at home with someone who isn't so tuned into your life stage. It could be that's what you want - but think about it first.
Be honest with yourself. If this was originally all about sex and excitement, then steer clear. If you think you loved him and want to know more, be super cautious. If he's still married, run for the hills and find someone who will be there just for you... you're worth better than a part-time partner and there will be connections with other men who are more available.
If you do meet him, don't sleep with him - or at least not until you are 100 per cent sure he's available and he's what you really want. If you do, I suspect it will be a very difficult situation to get away from...

She wasn't equally culpable to a 40 yr old man.

Don't be ridiculous.

You should definitely go for it. He may have actually left his wife, and you could win the ultimate prize - a middle-aged predator who habitually has affairs. What more could a girl want!

Don't be ridiculous. This has nothing to do with "the patriarchy"

I bet he's cast his net out to several of his 'other women' (you weren't the only one) and hoping to hook one or two.

Block and delete.

It isn’t a loveless / sexless marriage that makes men cheat, it’s their values.
A decent man would be honest and brave, leave a bad relationship before starting again

This.

X 100.

If young women were taught this and believed it - married cheater skank men would be getting a whole lot less sex. They'd be paying for it a whole lot more.

Who has lost half his assets and has (how many?) kids to pay for, before he gets to you and any kids you have.

Also over 40 men have higher incidence of fathering kids with autism etc.

Over 50, higher incidence of mental health issues, schizophrenia etc.

Check it out.

He's a bad bet for fathering kids too..

Let me correct you there. He sounded unhappy not they both sounded unhappy. Unless you spoke to her and asked what her take on the marriage was you have no idea of the actual truth.

For all you know this woman is blissfully unaware of what her husbands been up to and thinks their marriage is absolutely fine.

It is not heathy to be getting involved AGAIN with someone this emotionally messed up. Do yourself a favour and don’t go back.

Blimey op you fell for every trick in the book with this one. Wife doesn’t understand him? Course she doesn’t. Can tell you stuff he doesn’t tell her? Course he can. You get the special songs on Spotify that no one else gets?! Fuck me, are you 12?!
Do not embarrass yourself any further and get some self respect. By 25 you should have grown up out of this.

You say you kept him at arms length but clearly you allowed him to get under your skin, as you've admitted to thinking about getting back in contact during drunken moments of weakness.

You're associating this man more with being attentive and someone who showered you with attention and desired you, perhaps at a time you felt noone cared or desired you?

However, in reality he desired you but didn't care for you. He wanted to control you and keep you on a short leash. You were never in control, until the moment you decided to cease contact.

I agree with PP that you need to address the underlying issues that would tempt you back into contact with this lowlife. Otherwise your future relationships will always bit at risk due to your warped perception of this creep. Good luck.

It's really disappointing that you chose to hurt another woman in one of the worst ways possible, and six years later you're looking for advice on whether to do it again.

I'd seriously be considering my life choices, and hoping that karma doesn't put me in the wife's position one day.

Bes a pervy, cheating, sad, selfish and just sounds like a wrongun. Block, delete and put it all out of your head. He sounds manipulative and creepy.

I think any person who would have sex with a married man in his wife's bed is the lowest of the low. Any man who would do that is absolute scum.

Come on woman, do you even need to ask? Serial cheater at a loose end, maybe hitting a dry spell, rummages through his back book to see if he can revive anything. And you seem to feel flattered? You are not special to this man, you sold yourself cheaply when you had an affair with him knowing he was married. Aim higher, for the love of God.

Women slagging off other women blaming other women with no mention of how a 19 year old might have been vulnerable even though technically an adult? - kinda does.

Oh get a grip. Because fucking a married man old enough to be her father in the marital bed while his wife is out for 3 years is top level feminism isn’t it?

He’s a grubby as fuck - no one has said any different but absolving women from taking personal accountability for their actions is absolutely nothing to do with the patriarchy. Thinking women have no responsibility to say no to these dirty cheating scumbags is doing them a disservice

Haven’t read your other thread OP but based on this one I’d say you have an opportunity to make some positive life changes here.

You’re being seduced by the excitement and sense of desirability you associate with that period in your life. It’s heady to have someone fall in love with you, particularly when you’re 19 and they seem like a ‘man of the world’.

But it’s not real. It never was. You yet couldn’t see that then. But you’re a fully matured adult now. He’s middle aged and already demonstrated that he’s a serial adulterer rather than someone unhappily married who just happened to meet the love of their life in less-than-ideal circumstances.

You clearly crave and excitement and seemingly validation about your attractiveness. This is an opportunity to look at your life, set yourself some goals and work towards achieving them, so getting that excitement and validation in healthier ways that actually benefit you.