Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

I am an older mumsnetter. Even allowing for the fact you were 19 first time around you were very nieve to believe a man who trotted out my wife does not understand me, I am only stopping for my kids, she is having an affair as well. If he had added, oh we have an open marriage you would have completed the bollocks bingo that is the philanderers handbook. I and my friends have seen this by now literally hundreds of times over the years. The fact you are here and asking is worrying. Have you not learned from your prior experience and still think that having an affair with a MM is a good idea? Have some self respect send a short note saying sorry moved on, please do not contact me and then block.

By your own admission he was a jealous man. He did not think his wife had someone else and was ok with it. A man like that would not allow the disrespect to his ego.

This too.

Married cheaters often say their spouse is cheating too/might be cheating ... because it makes them look less bad. And it makes the marriage look bad/dysfunctional. But it's rarely true. Cheaters are often quite jealous.

I'm not saying its aspirational for fucks sake. I'm just suggesting maybe put aside judging her and the pile on.

You're a very silly girl, and flat out stupid and nasty if you reengage with this.

She’s asked for advice and she’s getting it. Don’t want judgement, then don’t fuck married men in their marital bed and play the faux wide eyed naive innocent when he comes back for round two.

Why anyone finds lying cheating scummy cunts attractive I’ll never know.

I can’t believe you need to ask for advice on this. You were 19 when it happened- legally an adult- but many of us here look back on our 19 year-old selves and see that we weren’t fully mature. Some of us are parents to 19 year-olds and can confirm that this age group often still make silly and rash decisions.

But you’re in your mid twenties now. Have you not matured at all in the last 6 years?

Of course you don’t contact him. Block, ignore, move on and work on your self esteem.

If she’s seriously tempted to get back in contact with this guy, and has started two separate threads in which she dwells on the detail of his obsession with her, him sending her playlists, carrying around a her ring, him ‘telling her everything’, his jealousy, I think she might well benefit from people repeatedly telling her that this was a seedy, nasty little affair, rather than some star-crossed lovers situation.

What do you want from this? If uts happiness and a long loving relatiinship forget it. He’s a scumbag using you to boost his already massive ego. Maybe his wife ‘isnt paying him enough attention’
This would be your 2nd time round. If you felt bad for his wife then you surely know the answer to this. You know your being used. Have some self respect and ignore the loser!

I hope someone cheats on you one day so you know how if feels

Any advice?

Get some therapy for your daddy issues.

Block and delete this man.

Stop fantasising about any sort of future with him. If you got together with him, he'd cheat on you too - he just wants the excitement of the secret sex, that's why he's a serial cheat. An actual, open relationship with you would just create a vacancy for another mistress to fill. One day, you'd wake up and realise you threw away the best years of your life on an old, disgusting, seedy man, who is ruled by his penis and wanting to shag barely legal girls.

Block and delete. Not a healthy thing to bring back into your life.

I did the same at 18. I didn't feel guilty at all. Becuase I was a stupid, selfish teenager. So I'm not judging you at all.

But he's still the same as he was and you're on the way up, don't go back to being a stupid teenager

So what's OP excuse now she's 25 and tempted into the same situation?

By OP's own admission she enjoyed the thrill, felt guilty yet continued with her behaviour, and chose to withold a certain amount of personal information. These are very deliberate, calculated decisions.

Stop making excuses or minimizing OP's part in this. Clearly the scumbag married man carries the majority of the shame, but OP is accountable for her behaviour and shouldn't get a free pass.

We see on MN daily the devastation and upheavel caused by cheating. Vunerable or not OP's behaviour is inexcusable and a berating from some online strangers is nothing compared to the suffering OP's wife is experiencing (either knowingly or unknowingly).

They both sounded unhappy

You never had a conversation with her.

You only heard what words he put on her mouth. You only heard what he said about her feelings and behaviour.

You only got a puppet version of her, with him voicing it.

He had reason & motivation to lie. He had reason to misrepresent, he had reason to twist things.

Get it?

You're now 25 so it's time to realise that people don't always tell the truth. Especially when it's in their interests not to. If he was truthful he wouldn't be cheating on his wife in the first place. He'd leave. Or he'd stick it out and not cheat til his kids were old enough.

Married/attached cheaters know the vast majority of women won't fuck them if they say they're happy enough in their marriage, their wife is happy/committed, and they probably won't leave it. They don't get what they want if they say that.

I have no idea how that stupid gif attached and can't get it removed.

April 1st is ... oh. It's today 😂

Why on earth would you want to start talking to this man again? He's a complete cunt who got a thrill out of fucking a naive teenager in his wife's bed and then had the sheer audacity to have a go at YOU when you saw another man?

He was using you then and he's using you now. Say nothing and block him.

They always say this!

I was propositioned by a married man in 1999. Unhappy marriage, only staying together for the kids, will leave when they're grown up.

Last time he emailed me was 10 years ago. I asked him if he'd left his wife yet and not to contact me till he had.

Fast forward to 2025. His kids are in their 20s. He's had numerous affairs and he's still with his wife who takes him back every single time.

It's a story as old as time.

Block. Delete. Don't give him another thought.

I’m on about the utterly inane, sneering, useless and passive aggressive remark.

That poster took on to know the motivations and future actions of OP, and decided her best contribution was that nonsense.
Whatever failings the OP might have: naivety being close to the top of the list, that post was worthless, and more clearly demonstrates the character defects of that poster than anything the OP’s posts say about her.
The fact OP didn’t/hasn’t gone running shows she knows at some level that the “relationship” is bad news, but she has got stuck in processing how and why. Why not try to help with that, rather than kicking?

(And I say that having been in the wife’s position)

OP I doubt many of us here would judge you on your actions when you were 19, you were young, and (legally) groomed by an icky older man who fed you with all the clichés married men have ever used towards young women who literally lap them up as you did.

However, you're older now. People will judge. As a young woman of 25 has no idea of the life of a woman of 35, or 45 but the older woman has probably been in your shoes in her past.

As an older woman, I can tell you that life as you age, is never the hedonistic excitement of your teens and 20's but hopefully as you age, you gain some sort of peace with the world.

That peace comes much easier if you are nice to yourself. This creepy old man who once groomed you (he will justify this by telling himself you were legal) is seeking you out to simply use your body. He has no love for you.

If you have love for yourself, look for people who are of a similar life stage to you to have the amazing sex of your 20's. They don't have to be the same age as you, if older men is your thing then fine but find ones without commitments, who do not have people in their lives you are going to get broken because of your actions.

He told you a fictitious story of the wife being a pain, no love left and being downtrodden blah blah blah, like he has told many before and after you, as many others here have said he used you along with many others, move on and find a happy life with with someone your own age who doesn't lie, cheat and and make out he's a victim to get what he wants

Yes, go and get a long series of therapy. You have significant issues. Aside from that, you sound absolutely awful creatures and you deserve each other. But unfortunately, it’s not just you and him, his wife and children are caught up in it too and that will create a life time of trauma for them.

He sounds like a sleaze and you sound like a silly little girl looking for attention.
Grim.

Once a cheat always a cheat! You have the excuse of youth last time. Although at 19 I was engaged, had a house & a child so I certainly knew better than to be a homewrecker! But your older now, so no excuses to go back there whether he’s still married or not!

I’ve been the wife to such a man. He says he’s unhappily married…nah. I bet his wife doesn’t realise that. My now ex told his gfs the same. That he couldn’t leave me but we didn’t have a happy relationship.
Long story short, if his lips moved, he was lying. He notched up women like stamp collectors collect stamps. Not even one at a time.
But
he never lets go. It might be days, weeks or years, but everyone he ever shagged gets contacted again. His first wife…divorced decades now..former fiancées, ex ‘mistresses’. Me. He stalks them on social media and always, always contacts at some stage. Even tries to draw them in again to prove he can, he has control, they still want him.
He cares for no one. He is incapable of love as most know it, or empathy. He has cognitive empathy etc. He can fake it, but it’s all about attention on him.

Block, delete, avoid. Don’t let him take over your head again. Even if he’s got rid of the wife, or she him and you’re the next target, it’s a game to that type. He will cheat on you , on everyone. It’s how he validates himself, defeats his feelings of not being enough. Need for adoration and power over someone.

It’s actually disgusting

First time round you had the excuse of being young, needy and silly to fall for the 'we are so unhappy,' ' we are married in name only ', and the classic 'you are the only one that gets me, she doesn't understand me' bulls it and convince yourself that a cheating loser meant any of it..... Even though you knew you weren't even the first he said all that too
So what ll be your excuse to justify hopping into bed with him this time round? He hasn't left cos he doesn't want to, and it's not for the kids, it's cos he likes his life the way it is. A wife to keep the home running and probably bringing in a wage to and some twit on the side whose adoration makes him feel like a big man. Why would he choose having to live in a small flat, actual parent his children when it's his turn for access and have to put in the effort of maintaining an actual relationship with a GF? Women like you make his life easier and that's it.
You admit knowing you have daddy issues etc, have you ever sought professional help to work through these? Your own life would be happier and more fulfilling in the long run and you d stop facilitating scumbags into destroying their families