Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

First post nailed it.

You both make my skin crawl.

He was bored. Threw out a scatter gun and texted about 6 old flames. Some mug will reply.

There's something truly revolting to me about men who have the "any hole's a goal" mentality. Who wants that dick inside you, when it's been inside a hundred other fannies in the past year. Absolute BOAK.

why are you excited by a relationship where you are nothing ?
you are massaging his ego that he could pull a 19 year old nothing more
see a therapist and unpick why this man appealed to you then, and still now

So life has provided you with an opportunity to show you have grown. Perhaps even to right your wrongs by exposing him to his wife.

Any you're wondering what to do?!

Honestly sometimes I genuinely think people are just npcs. 6 years in and no character growth whatsoever. Grown adult and no desire to have become better or accountability for past mistakes. It's fucking creepy.

There's no nice way to say this.

Your life must be incredibly boring if you needed to drop your standards this low to get a hit of excitement.

Go traveling, take a risk on your career, embark on a real love affair, do something, anything that would show you clearly how utterly pathetic it is to need attention from a middle aged man.

Agree, this is so so so disgusting of you Op. Tell her.

Howling at easy loose flaps 😂

Steer well clear
His poor wife and family 😥

Tell him to get lost. He is far too old for you anyway. And is a duplicitous cheat.

BLOCK AND DELETE!!!!

my eldest dc is 18 and I’m 38, some of his newer friends are around 19/20 and beautiful looking young men, same way the girls are utterly stunning. But they’re not sexy to me, I see them in a motherly way. I want to protect them, ensure they’re safe, if they need a lift home, Im there, if they need uber money or a place to crash, or if they just want to escape their homes for a bit and come have a cuppa and biscuits, then Im there.
Approaching 40 thats the only way I can see teenagers, as a maternal way. Because I’m not a fucking predator.
Any grown up who gets into a relationship with a young adult is someone who enjoys a power dynamic. I was the daddy issue girl shagging older men and trust me, they’re not good men. Im sure I’ll have people telling me their relationships are the stuff of dreams despite meeting their now DH at 16 when he was 37 but it’s not a fairytale, it’s Stockholm Syndrome.
Good men want an equal, not a silent partner.

I think you should message him back and meet up. You deserve each other. You are equally entitled and selfish.

You also seem gullible and naïve. His relationship with his wife was only bad because he was a liar and a cheat. And likely she had no idea. By your own admission he was a jealous man. He did not think his wife had someone else and was ok with it. A man like that would not allow the disrespect to his ego.

You say you feel regret for your choices yet you need to come to MN to ask whether you should contact him? That doesn’t show true regret. You are saying this because you think you should, not because you feel it. You think back on that time with excitement (bordering on giddiness) at the lies and secrecy.

I’ve been around men who have boasted that they pick the vulnerable, insecure and needy girls at the end of the night because they lap up the attention and are willing to sleep with them with very little effort. They laugh about it. I’m sorry but that’s what you are. An easy target. You are willing to put aside any morals you have for a bit of attention. He can say anything and you believe it. He is not a catch and you’re are not the prize.

I have some sympathy for the 19 year old you who was understandably naive but you would think by now you understood the relationship for what it was.

I think the person you should be calling is a therapist to see why you need this man’s attention and work on your inner self.

@Thenighttimer, you believed you had the control back then, but the serial cheating Pig actually duped you with his lies from the Script. You got a thrill from helping him harm his Wife and Child and defile their home. And now you’re thinking of degrading yourself and humiliating them again by going for an Act 2 with this Loser.

I pity you, @Thenighttimer.

Block, delete, grow up and get some self respect. You are old enough to know better.

This man was predatory. Hopefully you've matured and will stay out of his orbit now.

👏Well said. That's EXACTLY how I see my adult children's friends. My son is 28 and my daughter is 26. As a 55 year old woman, I can't see people in their 20's or even 30's as on the same level dating wise. Thankfully my 53 year old DH is the same.

Block him then seek some counselling to help with your self esteem issues.

My god, you can't be that naive at 25 to believe this was the truth. It's the oldest lines in the world.

If you fucked him in her bed, you really need a word with youself. Going into her bed at all is so grim.

This is not some love connection. Get a grip.

@Blondiebeachbabe i saw I’d been quoted and thought I was going to be told off, Im glad you feel the same. I was preparing my hard hat! 😄

You are wasting your life. Move on and focus on healthy happy relationships with men who are genuine. This guy is not.

Thanks for posting so honestly - I'm wondering what you want out of it? Are you wanting to settle down one day or just have fun? I'd be asking myself that. I think deep down you protected yourself as best you could, but you did have feelings for him and hoped it could be serious/stable. I'd forget him completely and ask what do you want out of life your romantic/sexual relationships? If it's a proper relationship, it's very unlikely to come from this bellend to be honest. He doesn't know what the hell he wants from women - that's his issue - I'd leave him with it.

Think if this real detailing the sleeping over in his wife’s bed was a mistake, doesn’t get much more scummy does it

People think it’s a joke post or a troll because they don’t understand why you’re asking the question! I mean, I don’t understand why you’re asking the question. Someone from a deeply unwise, sad, seedy teenage relationship in your past has contacted you. It’s obvious that you don’t reply, block and delete. It isn’t a question to even need to ask yourself, far less ask the internet!

And to everyone piling on the OP with total criticism and disdain to an admittedly younger woman -why don't you get some self respect and stop doing the patriarchy's dirty work for them.