Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

This.
He is an arsehole. You moved on don’t go back.

I’m in my 50’s now. Back in the day I knew girls/ women who had affairs with married men. It boosted their ego, made them feel extra special because someone married would gamble family for them. It’s a massive ego boost.

Fast forward to now, not one of these women is happy. Multiple divorces, failed relationships, wasted time on losers, never got to have their own family whilst they surfed the wave. At the end of the day, they were used, duped and deep down abused by these men. Karma also plays a part.

Don’t be so smug OP. He is scum, pond weed. You are also acting in a really harmful way to other women and their children. If you get to have DC of your own I hope you regret how you inflicted damage on his DC.

I hope his wife dumped him and is now happy with someone else.

I don't think you deserve it at all.

And I don't think it's any kind of karma.

A lot of people have affairs (and worse) and have as many kids as they want.

Its just chance and bad luck. It's not related.

Also, infertile is not sterile.

I've met women who were told they had low to no chance of having kids - due to pcos for example. One consultant told them that and recommended a hysterectomy. A different consultant put them on clomid, the pcos had less effect as they got older and they had two kids at 39 and 40.

There is also egg donation and fostering, and adoption. I know people who've those.

You were 19. The op was 19.

That's a child in my view.

I don't blame you; but (in the op's case) when you're past that age and people are giving good advice; it's time to wise up

You sound really childish

Because it’s clear here that she was groomed by a much older man and is still enthralled to him and needs therapy to unpick it all

Get some self control, some self esteem and some self respect.

He's probably bored and giving a booty call to all his ex bits on the side.

Cuddling on the sofa while the wife was away made me 🤢 that was her space, her sanctuary.

i say go for it! Sounds like you deserve each other.

This

Block and consider getting some counselling for yourself. He’s not a nice person, he only cares about himself. A married 39 year old shagging a 19 year old is icky and disgusting in my view.

Hope you haven’t told anyone in real life. It’s abit embarrassing frankly that you were taken for a fool the first time and will be again! And this old codger is the best you can do.

It’s a booty call, he’s seeing who replies. Leave him to it.

Cheats always say they are unhappy in their marriage, the alternative is to say ‘I’m a liar and feel I deserve more sex/smoke up my backside, so I skulk around and lie to my family and risk STDs to have orgasms’.

They often think their spouse is cheating - because they judge the world by their behaviour and actions.

Him being jealous is laughable. You, single woman, can date who you want.

I have no issue with people shagging about and not committing, but to pretend you are committed and making a life with someone, choosing to have kids etc when you aren’t is really uncool. He is very poor partner material, he could be the hottest man in the world but his behaviour is really grim. Personally men like this make my skin crawl. And the jealousy would make me think he was somewhat pathetic.

If a cheating man says his wife is okay with it/doing the same ask if it’s okay for you to meet her and check. You may then see his true colours. But I wouldn’t touch a ten a penny cheat with a barge pole, they are poor partner material.

Send the texts to his wife. Say ‘I was 19 years old and foolish, I’m sorry and I’d hate you to catch a life changing STD when you have a little one, please go get checked’.

Absolutely.

You will think stuff and do stuff as a teenager and early 20 something that you would never do as an older person.

People are not the same in their teens, 20s, 30s and onwards .

It's so simple and obvious, how anyone could have difficulty with that is beyond comprehension.

What are you on about? The op’s attitude and behaviour was vile. Fact. She’s now considering it again. Vile.

What advice are you actually wanting?

@Shopt, I’m so sorry for your fertility issues. You don’t deserve it, and it’s not a karmic punishment for a mistake you made whilst young and vulnerable 💐

The difference between you and the OP is that you grew up and could see the shitty behaviour and tawdry situation for what it was, owned your part in it and vowed not to repeat it. Which is all any of us can do to atone for the bad decisions we inevitably make in life.

That’s what all married men say.

They’re never going to say ‘I’m just more sexually attracted to women who haven’t gone through childbirth. I struggle to get excited for my wife as she’s got saggy boobs from breast feeding and excess skin over her stomach’.

As much as you think you were control at 19, I don't think you were (the fact you mention daddy issues reveals this).

As others have said, you need to block and delete. Do you think the connection you feel you have is the same connection he had/has with his other affair partners? The liklihood is he's bored and he's reached out to more than just you.

If you're interested in a romantic partner find someone who is emotionally (and literally) available. Don't waste time on people who see you as an option.

You do nothing.

You're older and hopefully wiser now. Do you really need all this drama in your life? Just block him and move on.

@StrawberryDream24

I agree, at 19 we are foolish. At 25 we see the world very differently. Men like this chap are boringly predictable. They are easy to find and know what to say.

Op if you are tempted to see this chap counselling may help you unpick why. A cheat is showing you, loud and clear, that he is a shit partner and an STD risk. He’s a proven liar who cares little about the lady he married and committed to in front of family and friends. He is telling you his words are meaningless. His vows meant fuck all. He’s sniffing around because he thinks you may bite. He’s boringly predictable - there’s thousands on tinder etc with the same spiel.

If you can’t see this or still think he’s a good one, maybe explore why.

@Thenighttimer you loved the attention then and you're loving it again now but it's the wrong kind of attention.

This man will string you along for years until one day you are in your 30s and dumped and at a loss as to how to have a happy, healthy relationship with a man more appropriate in age.

Think about it. Would you date an 18 year old guy? Probably not for a million reasons so what did a 39 year old have in common with you at 19? Nothing. He had control and that was it. He moulded you and took advantage of your immaturity despite you thinking you were the one in control.

Block him and move on. Find a real connection with someone.

You went to his home, where his children lived (hopefully they weren’t home) and shagged him in the bed he shares with his wife.

I’m unsure what advice you think people are going to give you other than “if you contact the man you did that with again, you’re being absolutely awful so… don’t.”

Even at the age you were, the fact you did that in her home, in her bed, is just disgusting.

It’s worrying that you still get a thrill from him messaging. And that you’re tempted to respond.

I think some therapy to explore the daddy issues you mention could be a very good idea to avoid doing this again.

You were thirsty for attention then, and he’s hazarded a guess (correctly!) that you’re still thirsty for attention now.

The Op didn't exactly cover herself in glory, though, did she?
Takes 2 to tango

He sounds like a grim sex fiend. You should have had more respect for yourself than to have an affair with another woman’s husband. He was almost twice your age when the affair happened. You are older and wiser now. Do not believe a word he says, just raise your standards, block and delete him. You do not want another woman’s sloppy seconds.