Chances for single man in 40s wanting a family.

[Gini83]

I have a lovely (male) friend who is mid-40s, single and really wants marriage/LTR and children. What do you think the chances are for someone to find that at this stage of life?

I don’t want to put anything identifying here but he’s got lots going for him – kind, fun, sociable, good job, financially stable, own home, looks after himself etc – but it has never really happened for him. He does date and has had a couple of relationships that have got to a semi-serious stage (c2 yrs) and looked as if they might be ‘the one’ but they’ve never worked out beyond that. We’ve spoken about it so many times and he’s so desperately sad about the situation but not willing to give up on having children. He won’t date anyone unless there’d be a prospect of having a family together, but that means he’s turned down chances for relationships which might have made him happy. I am sad for him and also worried about whether I’ve given him the right advice when we had a long conversation about it recently.

What would you say to a friend in that position (who asked for your advice)?

Have they had any relationship counselling to see if there are any patterns or pitfalls he's falling into about the partnerships hes had?

I ve got a similar male friend 45, but he doesn’t even get as far as dates. Chats to women online they arrange things then they ghost him.
He is so funny, outgoing and a nice nice guy but unfortunately hasn’t got a lot going on the looks department. I know it’s not all about looks but I do think(although I would never tell him) that’s why he struggles.

I’d also love to hear people’s thoughts on this.

Could he look into fostering or adoption? He might not be suited or it might not suit him but that's what I'd do if I was 40, single and wanted kids. Create my own family unit and maybe down the line, add in a partner if the right one comes along.

Never thought to be like 'mate, get your wallet, were going to go get you a makeover' ?

Maybe not close enough friends for that TBF but, I think lots of men would appreciate a gentle heads up about things they could change if it gets them the girl at the end of the day.

I've got one of these too! My oldest friend, he's just never been able to settle into a relationship with someone who wants the same as him. He's a really lovely guy and I know he'd love to be with someone and have a family.

Not that I know of. Some of it, as least on his explanation, is genuinely about the individual. E.g. the most promising relationship ended when they were getting to the 'should we move in and think about having children' stage and she started to really struggle with having a family with a man who wasn't from her religion/culture so ended it. But there might well be something more behind it. I know it's the classic MN thing to say but he does have some traits that make me think he might be ND.

I think hes too old tbh. Unless he goes for a woman with a significant age gap which is just a bit, no, i'd go for a man my own age.

There’s no reason he shouldn’t, but he wants to get a move on if he wants to be able to pick them up 😁 and not have a difficult to navigate age gap with a partner.

If he’s managed a couple or two year relationships he obviously has the basic relationship skills required.

So if he’s flummoxed he should possibly try and work it through with a therapist, while dating like crazy - it is a numbers game. I think old fashioned dating agencies still exist, for a price, if he’d prefer that.

Well that's my worry. To meet someone + get to a stage where you both want to have kids together + TTC + have a successful pregnancy, sounds like a minimum of 4 years, quite probably longer, especially as he's older, which cuts out anyone his own age and quite a few years younger.

If he’s as nice as you say then there’s no way he should be struggling. Is he being ultra picky and only swiping on significantly younger women who have a certain body/look?

Is there no one you could introduce him to?

Honestly a lot of people I know who got with their partners after 35 got to marriage after a year and babies a year or two after that. The advantage of being older is you know yourself and what you want.

I think if he was dating a younger woman say 35-38 that would probably be the best bet. Being honest about his age is important. Maybe see if he wants your 2nd opinion on his profile.

I think if a woman is open to dating someone older they are looking for someone who really ticks all the boxes. Manners is one of the most important ones I think alongside everything else you mention.

I presume as a woman in her 30s, I would be part of his target demographic. I can confirm that I have had MANY conversations with my single friends and a man in his mid 40s who has managed to never get married or have kids is for the vast majority a walking red flag.

Unless he is hideously ugly or exceptionally short, the reality is that men have a huge amount of power in relationships. Even now, they are the ones to propose, suggest living together etc.

So someone who is mid 40s and has never done that, having had opportunities to do so clearly has issues. Most likely commitment issues. Two year relationships really don't count, you are barely out of the honeymoon period at that stage.

He might get somewhere with a woman with 'Daddy' issues but most attractive, healthy women in their 30s want someone their own age, who has no issues with commitment and whose sperm are far more viable than older men's sperm!

It sounds like your friend lives in a fantasy world - rejecting women who might like to be with him and wanting women who would not. I had a friend like this. I would recommend your friend get some therapy. Emotionally available men who have worked on themselves are hot, commitment phobes are not.

Thank you, it's brutal but this is my worry, especially this bit a man in his mid 40s who has managed to never get married or have kids is for the vast majority a walking red flag. I think he's lovely and could make a great partner, but I'm well aware that friends see a different side from partners and I don't know what I don't know. Also I'm really aware that it's likely to be seen as a red flag now. In his defence, he was working really hard on his career and moving around a lot till his mid-30s, then an unlucky relationship, then single during covid and little chance to date, then another unlucky relationship, so I can see how it has happened.

Is he accidentally coming across as either a bit desperate, or coming across as just wanting to have a baby, rather than finding the right person? I was younger, but I was single and wanted to start a family so I adopted my son knowing I would either go on to find a relationship later, or stay single, both things I was happy about.

My friend is mid 40s and got married recently. Tbh we'd all assumed he was gay at this stage but he suddenly announced he was getting married last year after dating someone for a pretty short period of time. You never know. Your friend might meet "the one" and fall madly in love.

Would you date him OP (in theory)?

OP, you sound like a lovely friend and my post was brutally honest! However, there is nothing you have said which would make me doubt my initial assesment of a man with your friend's characteristics.

Healthy men - which tends to refer to securely attached men have no problems with developing a career alongside having a relationship. That is why you have married CEOs, lawyers, surgeons etc. It is extremely common to have both a career and a wife/family. If he wasnt able to do both - the question is why?

Similarly, I am extremely sceptical about the 'unlucky relationships'. Why have a relationship with someone who culturally was unlikely to be able to progress it, if what you want is to settle down? A lot of people think commitment phobia is demonstrated by no relationships at all, it is also demonstrated by relationships doomed to fail and relationships that don't ever get past the power struggle stage (2 years).

If he is choosing these relationships, where is the self reflection about why he has chosen badly? If he can't do that self reflection and puts it down to bad luck- therein lies a problem. We all, as adults, need to take full responsibility for our decisions and choices if we want to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

Settling down with someone like your friend means believing contrary to the evidence that this is a man who can commit, wants a family etc when his past suggests the exact opposite. Honestly, most women I know would dodge a man like this even if he were super good looking...they are all over dating apps believing they are a prize and they remain there for a reason.

The men that women do want to do in their mid 40s have previously been married or in serious relationships and are divorced or widowed because there is proof of relationship experience. Who wants to teach a man in his 40s how to have a relationship?

Hmmm, there'll be something wrong with him, in the relationship department if he's not really had a LTR.

I have a lovely friend, who I met on a date a few years ago. Really nice bloke. Very warm, successful work-wise, lots of friends. But he was... weird, when we briefly dated. Both pushy and simultaneously commitment shy. Borderline creepy. Didn't read social cues well.

He never did marry and eventually adopted. He's a very happy single dad now. I don't really think he had it in him to be married, as much as he wanted it.

That's a really good question. I'm happily married (with kids) so that's definitely not on the cards, but if I were single and there was mutual attraction, I have to say I'm not sure. I think he'd be a great person to be dating casually because he's fun, attentive, always up for doing things, very good at interesting conversations etc. I'd worry about anything deeper, because there's now quite a lot of pain there that I think that he has to work through. Plus he's been single for so long and has a really full on job/life, I can imagine it being quite difficult to get him to adapt to living together.
That's probably answered my question of why he's single hasn't it!

This thread is eye opening!

I’m a similar female version except ive never even had any relationship let alone a two year one (I’m shocked that 2yrs doesn't count as long term btw!)

I have wondered if my (lack of) experience turned into a self fulfilling prophecy and its just simply too late now to ever have any romantic relationship. Like a PP said who wants to be in a relationship with someone without any experience at all!

I don’t struggle with friends and I do love people, but I too have wondered if by this point if I am just a walking romantic red flag 😔so it’s interesting to hear honest opinions.

My advice to myself (and by extension your friend) is to learn to let go of the need for any romantic input in his life. It looks like some people just dont get to experience it, and if you reach a certain point having never done it, then it sounds like no one will touch you with a barge pole! It just means you have a different life experience to most people. If that seems unfair then remember that life is unfair in some ways, and that’s ok! Instead, I have crafted a beautiful world full of wonderful things and friends and that will just have to do. I have goals and hobbies and dreams, things to learn and things to achieve and I wrap myself up in it.

after all, we don’t really know what we are missing, do we?

I think looks won't be an issue if he is well presented. He might need to figure out which colours work for him, which styles etc. as a woman who dates men in their early 40s I don't really go for looks as such but do look for reasonably well turned out.

I'm intrigued by your post @OnlyHerefortheBiscuits - why would you say you have never had any relationships at all?

In terms of OP's friend, he is looking for something quite specific - a woman significantly younger than him who is of child-bearing age who wants children when he is mid 40s never been married etc.

I think your attitude is pretty healthy save that I don't agree that no one would touch you with a barge pole! You sound lovely! It is more that people will of course ask questions why.

In theory, two people with little relationship history in their 40s would be perfect for each other. But i think thats a little too simplistic, the question is always what is behind the lack of experience and I have seen multiple cases in which the reason is that the person has deep issues and without working on those issues is not going to be able to show up in a healthy and consistent way in a relationship.

@Gini83I would also advise your friend to go for therapy and work through what his issues with relationships could be. Decent men with good jobs in their early 40’s are high in demand for a lot of women online. If he’s not been able to hold down a long term relationship, there’ll be a reason for it.

I met a guy earlier this year, good looking, good job, own house, early 40’s. Never been married, no DC, longest relationship less than a year.

Within the first three weeks and two dates it became abundantly clear why he’s not able to develop long lasting relationships with women:
-he dislikes phone calls, texted once or twice a day very generically
-he didn’t want to go on dates which would cost him any kind of money
-believes women just want free dinners/lunches so would never meet to eat
-requested/expected sexy pictures from women he is talking to
-only really wanted to meet at his house “so he could cook for me”
-randomly dropped quite sexual descriptions into his texts apropos of nothing
-was not at all interested in finding out who the woman was and getting to know her

All he got out of me was a quick 1 drink pub meet (as we had other commitments same night), a walking date where he bought me a coffee, and no sexy pictures.

He randomly messages me every now and then to see if I want him to cook for me, which I decline, but other than that, no other getting to know you. He has absolutely no clue how to develop a relationship with a woman. With me having had long term relationships previously, the longest of which was 8 years in which I had my 2 now primary aged DC, I wasn’t inclined to teach him.

I suspect your friend may have similar issues (although the man I know is not neurodivergent), so therapy may really help him.

Yes, my friend aged 44 joined a matchmaker service and they lined up dates with women in their late 30s looking to settle down quickly due to bio clock.

If he does meet someone, he can’t just live together for a few years and wait and see, need to push it along quickly.