Chances for single man in 40s wanting a family.

[Gini83]

I have a lovely (male) friend who is mid-40s, single and really wants marriage/LTR and children. What do you think the chances are for someone to find that at this stage of life?

I don’t want to put anything identifying here but he’s got lots going for him – kind, fun, sociable, good job, financially stable, own home, looks after himself etc – but it has never really happened for him. He does date and has had a couple of relationships that have got to a semi-serious stage (c2 yrs) and looked as if they might be ‘the one’ but they’ve never worked out beyond that. We’ve spoken about it so many times and he’s so desperately sad about the situation but not willing to give up on having children. He won’t date anyone unless there’d be a prospect of having a family together, but that means he’s turned down chances for relationships which might have made him happy. I am sad for him and also worried about whether I’ve given him the right advice when we had a long conversation about it recently.

What would you say to a friend in that position (who asked for your advice)?

He needs to accept that he probably isn’t a great catch for 35yo women who want children. They’d wonder why he hadn’t held down a LTR and they wouldn’t waste more of their fertile time on him.

He might be a great stepdad one day, which is also rewarding. I’m a parent but I also love being a stepmother, my stepkids have enriched my life.

The thing about full-on jobs is interesting. As a pp said, senior, busy people are not all single - all of my high flier mates are in LTRs. Although I will say that a lot of them met at university or just after, I suspect that makes it easier.

a lot of them met at university or just after

This exactly. This is the golden time for, not necessarily settling down, but for meeting your life partner. I know not everyone does, but this is where like meets like. And then they ideally grow together.

I know we want to do everything late now. Marriage mid 30s. Babies late 30s/pushing 40. But biologically, our bodies were designed to do it earlier.

There's also divorce of course. So those post-uni pairs are divorcing again by mid 40's. Which makes the chronically single stand out even more, because they've not done the pairing/marriage/babies/divorce stages.

I agree with pps that there will quite probably be "something" that reveals itself over time.

People who aren't avoidant have the ability to compromise to get and maintain the relationship.

So they might go for someone who isn't perfect looking, or doesn't have the "professional" job, or already has kids.

The relationship and living in and thriving in a family environment is the main thing.

I was at a workplace where there was a guy who was one of thise European Earth Father types - he was happy to be sole financial provider to a family unit (wife already had 4 children of her own, and they had one together).

Some of his colleagues were a bit snide that his wife had "snagged" a guy with a good job and got a SAHM role.

But there was no magic - he just was a big family guy. He wanted the kids running around, that's what he got.

I can compare that to guys who want someone slim, childfree, "professional" vibe, good dresser, independent, pays her share...

They project the vibe that they just want someone who matches a particular image, and they won't cope or are difficult if partner doesn't match the script.

You cannot imagine them compromising massively when children come along, you'd be expected to produce the perfect offspring, meet your share of the bills and snap back to action ASAP.

If they're super good looking or very rich then maybe they'll be ok.

But if there's no pre-established connection, and they're just meeting strangers the kind of woman they want probably will be dating others.

Couldn't agree more.

I think that the key you have highlighted is that someone's actions should match their words.

The Earth father wanted kids, that was what he said and his actions matched that.

The 40/50 somethings saying they want kids/a wife/family and then being super picky/ choosing impossible matches and being a 'victim' of that poor choice are saying the right things but their actions to date and going forwards just don't match up with that.

Most of them only want kids/a wife now because they are scared to end up alone and are losing the ability to casually date as they age. That kind of man is highly unlikely to be a catch as a husband or father.

I should say that he has always had relationships with women roughly the same age he is. It’s just if he wants (genetic) children it’s inevitable he’s going to have to only date younger women.

this thread is confirming my worries for him!

Realistically he'd have to be dating women in their early 30s wouldn't he - time to date, get serious, get married, get a house, get pregnant. Four years or so? He'll have to be a huge catch to bag someone so much younger.

I think what might be kinder op than keeping reassuring him that he'll find someone is having the difficult conversation with him that he might be happier and less disappointed if he stops looking for that and instead starts to consider the alternative. You say he decides to focus on his career rather than relationships - choices have consequences.

If he stops looking for a brood mare and instead looks to date for fun he might have a better time.

I do sympathise. I made some bad choices and am now 42 and childless - some of my friends after I dumped my ex said oh you'll meet someone and have kids and I told them not to be so stupid. I'm 42. It's too late. So I'm discovering a different life, and it is a good one (not least compared to my friends who are married with kids and pretty much all of them are utterly miserable and exhausted).

Do the kind thing and help him think of an alternative future.

I was 40 when I met my partner 44. We now have a 3 month old baby. Tell him not to give up!!

What cultural/religious background is he? If he is "sympathetic" to CofE (if not a practicing Christian himself) and were to start going along to a large church that's popular with younger people (there are lots in London and many other large cities), he would most likely meet plenty of lovely single women in their early 30s who are interested in marriage and children, just like he is, but haven't met anybody suitable. In my experience, many of these ladies don't insist on a potential partner being extremely religious themselves, as long as they are sympathetic to it, ie don't ridicule them or try to talk them out of it.

Friend of mine did exactly the same thing at 45, we'd assumed he was gay and never come out. He married someone age 35 and they now have a baby

I'm 37 and I know a few women my age who have ended up dating older guys.

One got with a 45 year old divorced man and they moved in together and had a baby quite quickly. (He had no previous kids).

The truth is - there is ALSO a real lack of decent and attractive men aged 34+ who are not already snapped up, most are already married, so I think he COULD attact a younger woman if he is attractive, interesting and has a stable job.

I know loads of wonderful single women aged 37 ish but they are not here to fuck around or waste time, and they know what they are looking for.

@OnlyHerefortheBiscuits I am also a similar female version (same age as OP’s friend) and don’t really have any relationship experience, despite being attractive and young looking. I strongly believe in my case that I am neurodivergent as I display a lot of the traits - enjoy being alone, repetitive behaviours, enjoy my routine etc, plus never really seen anyone in a romantic way or wanted children etc. I have always found life a struggle. I did go to uni and have always worked, but being around people all day in a fast paced, often high pressure job takes it out of me.

My mum was my main support but she died a few years ago and I now live with my very elderly dad, which is very challenging, but I will hopefully inherit the house after he has gone. I am an only child.

I do often feel lonely now my mum has gone, despite being very busy with everything and often think it would be nice to have a partner, although at the same time I wonder if this is just so I am not seen as a ‘sad case’ by society, which women such as myself are by many even in this day and age. I think, as with OP’s friend though that I would struggle to live with someone else (it would have to be a casual relationship/friendship). Is it something he genuinely wants or does he just want to appear ‘normal’ and/or not end up alone in old age?

i think that if he is genuine then it could work out for him if he could find the right person (my dad was over 40 when I was born and I know of several other people who had children in their 40s). I know to most people we would be seen as red flags (esp. those of us with no experience). I guess it really comes down to finding the right person at the right time.

I think what might be kinder op than keeping reassuring him that he'll find someone is having the difficult conversation with him that he might be happier and less disappointed if he stops looking for that and instead starts to consider the alternative.

Thank you for this, I've been thinking the same thing. The recent conversation that prompted this thread was because he'd stopped dating a woman because she didn't want children. I'd very gently asked whether there was a point at which he'd consider being open to relationships - and a future more generally - that might not include children but he was very clear he wasn't ready to consider that. I then backed off but have been regretting not asking further. It's tricky because if he were a woman I think he'd already have worked through that stage and also gone through the question of whether to have children alone. Because the possibility is still there, he's not reached that point.

What does he look like?

Sorry to be shallow but I have a friend like this and the reality is he has lots going for him but he’s very overweight and sporting a combover. Always complaining why he can’t find a partner but the packaging matters to some.

On the positive side he's incredibly fit and in good shape. Very into long distance running/outdoor sports plus he goes to the gym several times a week. Being objective, facially he's probably a fairly average looking mid-40s bloke and hair is receding a bit. So not unattractive but not turning heads in the street.

Thank you Poppyrose2024 I'm really sorry if this thread has sounded insensitive. You sound as if you have real insight into yourself and don't come across as a 'sad case' at all, anyone who thinks that is not worth listenting to. I hope that you find happiness in the best way for you.

Being completely honest my immediate assumption was he’s bald and short. And is being pickier than he can afford to be.

My first question in such situations is whether the man is going for women who are in his league, looks wise. People do sometimes price themselves out of the market, so to speak, and if he wants a big age gap and willingness to have DC fairly soon he may have to take steps to widen the pool.

I'd agree that this is the sort of guy who could do well with a matchmaker.

His looks sound fine. Is he financially secure? That will count for something with women who are hoping to settle down quickly and have children.

Is he doing OLD?

I think he is with a chance - as others have mentioned, some women are looking for a partner and to start a family quickly. I know a few couples like that (woman in 30s, man in 40s) who met and got married and/or had kids within a couple of years, which makes sense because it's not like meeting in your early 20s when you might have to see how you cope with various life stagrd , before you can assess if you will be a sure thing. By late 30s/40s you're pretty set in who you are, settled in a career, and if you are getting on well there's no point hanging around.

I had a lovely, successful, kind male friend who was desperate for a long-term relationship but never seemed to have much success. I never understood it until I saw how he behaved with one of his girlfriends. It was quite frankly shocking. He was sulky, bitter, possessive and would criticise her every move. I also suspect he deliberately went into the relationship knowing it wouldn’t work and that he wouldn’t have to commit to her.

Some people are just better for being single. I wonder whether your friend is just feeling the generic panic of having a door closed to him rather than a genuine desire to commit to a woman and have children.

If he’s genuinely a good guy who isn’t cherry-picking traits in women then I do believe it’s possible for him to get married and have children.

@BeHere I relate to what you say.

the friend I mentioned above asked out a mutual friend completely out of his league and got knocked back.

Months later I saw him a woman approach him more on his level but I could tell he wasn’t attracted - but might have actually had a chance.

I think there are probably quite a few women who are in their late-30s early-40s who would like the possibility of marriage and children. Yes, it would need to happen a bit quicker than usual, but you tend to know who you are at that age and what you want.

Reading this makes me think of my own online experiences with men my age (40s) and it's really not all about looks. I would always give a man a chance if he looked clean, well dressed and looked after himself a bit. Not that he needs to have an amazing body but just go to the gym a bit. It doesn't require a massive makeover - just a little investment.

I think any one can find love at any age.
Past relationships or experience wouldn't matter with the right person.

I think the problem is when an older person, like op's friend, is looking for someone young enough to bear him children. Despite him being late forties by then. Bit creepy