Chances for single man in 40s wanting a family.

[Gini83]

I have a lovely (male) friend who is mid-40s, single and really wants marriage/LTR and children. What do you think the chances are for someone to find that at this stage of life?

I don’t want to put anything identifying here but he’s got lots going for him – kind, fun, sociable, good job, financially stable, own home, looks after himself etc – but it has never really happened for him. He does date and has had a couple of relationships that have got to a semi-serious stage (c2 yrs) and looked as if they might be ‘the one’ but they’ve never worked out beyond that. We’ve spoken about it so many times and he’s so desperately sad about the situation but not willing to give up on having children. He won’t date anyone unless there’d be a prospect of having a family together, but that means he’s turned down chances for relationships which might have made him happy. I am sad for him and also worried about whether I’ve given him the right advice when we had a long conversation about it recently.

What would you say to a friend in that position (who asked for your advice)?

Maybe he needs to shave his hair off and get a tan then. Looks do matter I'm afraid.

I have a friend in her mid 30s dating men 35-45 and with the men in their 40s it has been very obvious why they're single and childless. So far we've had perpetual fuckboy, anxious bag of bones, unrealistic/impossible expectations, normal façade with a creepy sexual predator underneath and a man with a mid range job, I'm a rental flat who was paranoid about gold diggers 🙄

I think as people get older they're less tolerant too. I have been with my DP for 15 years and in the early days I put up with a lot of stuff that I just wouldn't even entertain today.

This thread is leading me to believe that there is some sort of biological clock for men too, obviously not the same as for women, but in that their opportunity for finding a potential mate declines significantly as they age, for social rather than biological reasons perhaps

Then all you can do at the moment is be there for him.

If you think he can improve his appearance, kindly suggests he does so. Would a beard/stubble help for example?! Shaving off his hair if it's receding? Teeth ok?

Tell him to pay for the first few dates - it shows interest and he needs to understand that relationships are not 50/50 - men get far more out of them in the long term than women do!

Look at this online dating pics for him - I find mens photos tend to be awful and unflattering! Not met a man yet who didn't genuinely look better in real life.

Does he have any weird sex issues? Address these before he gets a woman in the bedroom... I've met guys who hope I won't notice the erection problem or the foreskin issue. They aren't big deals but not dealing with obvious problems are. Does he go down on women the first time he's been with them?

Yes I'm drawing on my own experience here! 😀 I absolutely knew a guy wasn't into me enough when we split the cost of our first dinner out and he didn't do oral.

Does he ask questions on dates? Show interest afterwards? Simple stuff but so many people get it so wrong.

a man with a mid range job, I'm a rental flat who was paranoid about gold diggers 🙄

Made me laugh, I have met this type too. The next thing out their mouth is that they will never marry, as it's just a way for gold diggers to relieve them of their...er... £5k in Premium Bonds and maybe half a one bedroom flat. Then they wonder why they don't have a "wife" and kids...

Sorry OP, I appreciate your friend is not one of those! It sounds like he has a lot going for him, relative to the competition, and maybe he has just been unlucky. That's assuming he doesn't behave really differently with women he dates. I think some men who feel cursed in love do freak out a bit in a romance context and turn to the dubious wisdom of the manosphere, thereby torpedoing their chances and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Own hair and teeth?

Isn't it a version of natural selection? What we just normally view as unmarriageable men. Not husband or father material. Not saying they're not worthy people, just not cut out for relationships. For a whole myriad of reasons. Not necessarily incel types.

Includes women too of course. Although I've been in long term relationships, I've worked out I'm not marriage / settling down material either. Doesn't suit me and I don't give what is wanted in a relationship. Which I'm fine with.

I would say it's unlikely he's going to meet anyone in the age bracket to have a family with at his age sadly and he's probably going to have to learn to come to terms with that likelihood to find peace and happiness.

The thing is there are lots of women in their late 30s who are desperate to find a good man and start a family. I know several women in this position. Because of this I would think your friend stands a good chance. Obviously it depends on him and how he is as a person. It depends how attractive he is as a potential partner - I mean attractive in the sense of looks, personality, financially stable etc.
I had a friend in the same position. He was early 40s, a lovely, kind man of integrity. Very good looking. However, he had zero confidence. The type of man who'd jump out of his skin if you said hello to him. He'd never had a girlfriend because women like confident men (or at least men who aren't so terrified!).
Anyway, he joined a church and met a kind, understanding woman. They're now married and have three children together.

Surely it’s possible for a man in his 40’s to be total normal and desirable but just hasn’t met anyone he liked enough to suggest moving in with? I know lots of people (male and female) who are great ‘catches’ on paper and get plenty of dates and some relationships but are not interested in settling for someone they don’t love. You can’t force it if it’s not right, nor should you, because it never works, ultimately.

It’s definitely possible because a 10 yr age gap isn’t uncommon and most women 10 years younger than him will be similarly focused on settling down so it could be an efficient process!

he’s just got to get out there - go on dates, try to meet new people and try not to let his desire to have kids make him come across like he’s searching for a womb not a woman.

it’s tough op - can he try new hobbies or join new clubs? I’ve not down OLD but I get the impression that it can be soul destroying.

In my experience, most men who have reached 40 without settling down (if that’s what they wanted) have some unresolved issues. He probably should have a think about why he’s ended up in this situation, and then he can resolve it. Therapy might help.

I do know of one man who settled down in his 40s and had a kid at 50, and he was deeply immature.

I can confirm that I have had MANY conversations with my single friends and a man in his mid 40s who has managed to never get married or have kids is for the vast majority a walking red flag.

I don't think this is a common view. It definitely shouldn't be - I know plenty of people in their 30s and 40s who haven't really done relationships. It tends to be because they have a lot going on in their life (career, hobbies, other responsibilities) and they tend to be quite successful at those other things. It also tends to be because they have high standards and don't want to settle, which is a very positive attribute.

I got to my 30s without having a meaningful relationship. Plenty of flings etc but I just never caught proper feelings for any of those men. I didn't want a relationship just for the sake of having one, so I didn't have any. It eventually happened with DP, but it could easily not have done, and I'd still be quite happily single. I know several other men and women who fit this description.

I think that while the OP's friend might be having a wobble (hence this thread) he doesn't have anything to worry about. According to her he has a good personality and a good body, which puts him in the top 1% of mid-40s men even if he is balding. (I have a recently-single mid-40s male friend who has a good personality, but is balding and does not have a particularly good body, and he has dates coming out of his ears.)

So I assume that part of the reason he hasn't found anyone is because he isn't settling for just anyone - he's waiting for that emotional "click". (This is a different thing from having unrealistic supermodel-level beauty standards; it's about waiting for an intangible chemistry that has nothing to do with looks per se. More people should hold out for it.)

But for most people who do spend a long time waiting for that - they know it when they find it, and things tend to move very, very quickly after that.

she started to really struggle with having a family with a man who wasn't from her religion/culture

@Gini83 what religion/culture is he from? Would he expect the woman to convert?

Gay people can get married too.

I just listened to a fascinating podcast about people who are struggling to find a partner in their 30’a and 40’s with some great advice.

It’s Diary of a CEO called Masculinity Debate. Are dating apps causing a lost generation of men?

Will definitely give that a listen!

Ironic (based on the title), as with much of patriarchy, a system that was designed to benefit men, almost inevitably ends up hurting them as much as women. And yet, we cling on to it.

OP what makes you think he might be neurodivergent?

I think I've met quite a few like him if he is as you describe (concentrated on a career eg medicine or oil and gas engineering are big culprits which take up a lot of time if you let them for his earlier adulthood, self sufficient, lots of interests, and suddenly it's getting late in the day for a family which he kind of assumed would just happen).

Is he in any hiking, running or sports clubs? If not, get him joined up. Maybe some variety in his hobbies too.

I think it's perfectly possible. He needs to aim for women in their mid to late 30s who will have similar intentions. That is to say, serious dating and families. I was in this boat until I met my partner. Unfortunately serious illness scuppered family plans but he has been and continues to be incredible. He's 30s but not unlike your friend temperament wise, less bothered around kids (luckily I was the one dating to find love and a family rather than him). We had planned to start TTC about 18 months in.

He needs to word his profiles carefully. That is to say clear he wants someone age appropriate also looking for a chance at family and love, not a brood mare.

If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. No reason he couldn't make a great step dad in due course (I know it's not the same but it's still a version of family).

Just noticed the culture point - is he dating outside this his background ? maybe this doesn't sound the most PC but sometimes culture can be an uphill struggle and someone who understands his background and expectations may be a good place to start? I know everyone is unique and special etc etc but family, customs and expectations is a bigger part of a relationship than we sometimes expect and if he doesn't want huge complications at this time it may be something to consider. This not to say rule people out necessarily.

No idea about the statistics but I met my DH when he was 49 and he wanted kids. He online dated but was practically ready to give up! He was 54 by the time dc was born. So clearly it's possible!

I know of a couple of similar cases. In all of them the woman was at least 10 years younger (otherwise of course children would have been unlikely) and equally looking for a serious relationship and children.

A relative of mine was single until his 40s, never even had a girlfriend, and he was a kind, successful, decent looking, tall guy from a good family and well educated. He finally met his wife when he was 45 and she was 36, they have two children now and he’s just turned 50. I hope your friend finds love and happiness soon!

Thanks v much for the replies and good to hear the hopeful stories!

On the culture point. He's white British and no particular religious upbringing. He's lived in quite a few countries, travels a lot and speaks several languages, so he's very open to relationships with women from different backgrounds. The relationship that broke down was because she got cold feet about bringing up a child with someone who wasn't from her cultural/religious background and he's quite a firm atheist so definitely wouldn't convert, that became a deal breaker for her.

I'm definitely not qualified to say he is ND but he has some traits that makes me think he might be. He's the kind of person to get very focused and never do anything casually or leave it as 'good enough'. He also can't bear to leave things unfinished, so works incredibly hard. We were at Uni together and e.g. he was the person who was always asking the off-syllabus questions in seminars and wasn't very good at seeing when this was taking up too much time or reading social cues that other people wanted to move on. I think people often thought he was trying to prove he was cleverer than them, but in reality he was just very interested and not that good at seeing why people approached things differently so would push for explanations. He did have lots of people he knew and was very sociable, but would be actively involved in lots of clubs etc, rather than the kind of person to just hang out.

He's got much better at accepting people think differently now but he's still interested in everything and is constantly either working, travelling or active doing something. E.g. if we're meeting up we'll go to a play or climb a mountain, rather than just sit and chat. That's why I think he'd be fun to date but might be more challenging to live with. But he's a fantastic friend, really loyal and the kind of person who will remember things and go out of his way to be there for his friends.

@Gini83and what is he willing to give up for the relationship and children? Is he willing to? Because he can't have it all. Unless he's just going to be another of those men we hear about on Mumsnet that expects nothing in their life to change to have a family while the woman changes everything...

In fact has he dumped anything to make more room for dating?

Maybe you should hint to him to adjust his hopes for the future.
As sad as it is , lots of people don't have children when they would have loved too. But what is in his power is the ability to have a relationship. He has gone this long with what sounds like a nice life. Without children .

He sounds truly lovely but I'd have a gentle word and make sure he's aware he needs to genuinely make time and space for a partner, relationship and family.

That's to say he fills his time and has many interests and a lot of curiosity about the world.

That is wonderful, very much so.

But can he listen and compromise and is he interested and interesting long term, not just for the fist few dates?

I don't mean because he doesn't care, I just mean so many men (well, people) are kind, but so very set in their ways especially conversationally.