Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Chances for single man in 40s wanting a family.

135 replies

Gini83 · 30/03/2025 18:07

I have a lovely (male) friend who is mid-40s, single and really wants marriage/LTR and children. What do you think the chances are for someone to find that at this stage of life?

I don’t want to put anything identifying here but he’s got lots going for him – kind, fun, sociable, good job, financially stable, own home, looks after himself etc – but it has never really happened for him. He does date and has had a couple of relationships that have got to a semi-serious stage (c2 yrs) and looked as if they might be ‘the one’ but they’ve never worked out beyond that. We’ve spoken about it so many times and he’s so desperately sad about the situation but not willing to give up on having children. He won’t date anyone unless there’d be a prospect of having a family together, but that means he’s turned down chances for relationships which might have made him happy. I am sad for him and also worried about whether I’ve given him the right advice when we had a long conversation about it recently.

What would you say to a friend in that position (who asked for your advice)?

OP posts:
Melsy88 · 04/04/2025 15:29

Gini83 · 30/03/2025 18:07

I have a lovely (male) friend who is mid-40s, single and really wants marriage/LTR and children. What do you think the chances are for someone to find that at this stage of life?

I don’t want to put anything identifying here but he’s got lots going for him – kind, fun, sociable, good job, financially stable, own home, looks after himself etc – but it has never really happened for him. He does date and has had a couple of relationships that have got to a semi-serious stage (c2 yrs) and looked as if they might be ‘the one’ but they’ve never worked out beyond that. We’ve spoken about it so many times and he’s so desperately sad about the situation but not willing to give up on having children. He won’t date anyone unless there’d be a prospect of having a family together, but that means he’s turned down chances for relationships which might have made him happy. I am sad for him and also worried about whether I’ve given him the right advice when we had a long conversation about it recently.

What would you say to a friend in that position (who asked for your advice)?

I'm single early 40's - tell him to give me a call😉

Original poster
Gini83 · 04/04/2025 15:30

I should say that he does raise this (all the time!) and ask my view, I'd never just bring it up myself. My worry is that I've been too gentle because I realise it's so sensitive and I'm in a very different position to him. Plus sometimes he's a person who needs people to be direct (he's possibly ND). I think I'm probably the person he talks to about this most as we've been close a long time.

OP posts:
Shitlord · 04/04/2025 15:35

Goldusttwin · 03/04/2025 20:16

Ok you’ve taught me something new - I thought RTFT meant Read The Full Thread & had no idea it means otherwise!! Just googled it double check. Lesson learned apologies in no way did mean to swear at you.

Show quote history

What does it mean?!

Goldusttwin · 04/04/2025 15:40

Shitlord · 04/04/2025 15:35

What does it mean?!

Show quote history

Read The Fkn Thread apparently! Was mortified!!

Oldglasses · 04/04/2025 15:43

As a man it's easier as he could date someone 10 years younger than him who would be more fertile, etc.
I suppose the only thing to do is try and join every matchmaking service/decent online dating site there is and go for it!
There could be something inherent in him which is why he hasn't had much luck - a personality flaw that only shows when he's in a relationship maybe?
I know a few women who either didnt' meet someone to marry until later in life, or have never settled down and we are all early 50s now. Some it's luck but others it's definitely a personality 'issue' or they just got so used to being on their own they couldn't compromise.

Shitlord · 04/04/2025 15:53

In terms of fertility, I know that men's age plays a part etc (I have medical training) but mid to late 40s doesn't typically present the same challenges for men that it would for many women even in their mid to late 30s. It's shit but there is that disparity.

If I'm honest, I would probably approach this as he needs to get himself sorted and get cracking searching but not that he's too old from a 'there may be something wrong with a potential baby' POV.

I'm struggling to phrase it well as you sound lovely, wise, and REALLY supportive, but honestly?that part is a bit close to the bone if you've got your three kids and he hasn't actually missed the boat yet.

If you do raise this, maybe stick to whether he's considered the vagaries of being an active dad into his 60s. I think I'd kind of let this side play out though.

whatswrongwivme · 04/04/2025 16:01

A close friend was in that same position 2 or 3 years ago. He was then 43. Then he met a woman of 38, married a year later, first child was born 3 months ago.

Goldusttwin · 04/04/2025 16:24

Well said. Life & individual circumstances vary & blanket generalisations or relationship “rules” can be restrictive & exclusionary. What about treat everyone as an individual ?

Original poster
Gini83 · 04/04/2025 18:09

Shitlord · 04/04/2025 15:53

In terms of fertility, I know that men's age plays a part etc (I have medical training) but mid to late 40s doesn't typically present the same challenges for men that it would for many women even in their mid to late 30s. It's shit but there is that disparity.

If I'm honest, I would probably approach this as he needs to get himself sorted and get cracking searching but not that he's too old from a 'there may be something wrong with a potential baby' POV.

I'm struggling to phrase it well as you sound lovely, wise, and REALLY supportive, but honestly?that part is a bit close to the bone if you've got your three kids and he hasn't actually missed the boat yet.

If you do raise this, maybe stick to whether he's considered the vagaries of being an active dad into his 60s. I think I'd kind of let this side play out though.

I realise I probably sound hideously intrusive here. I should say this is only in response to him asking, and he tends to tell me I am too nice and need to be far more blunt. It's very much something he wants us to talk about but it's so long since I've dated that I'm not sure I'm a great source of advice.

OP posts:
OneWaryCat · 05/04/2025 12:22

Has he checked he can actually have children himself? Most men don't. They just assume. My husband didn't realise he had male factor infertility until he was 37 and we'd been struggling to conceive.

If having children are so important to him in the future and in choosing a life partner then he should make sure he knows his own scenario first.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread