Chances for single man in 40s wanting a family.

[Gini83]

I have a lovely (male) friend who is mid-40s, single and really wants marriage/LTR and children. What do you think the chances are for someone to find that at this stage of life?

I don’t want to put anything identifying here but he’s got lots going for him – kind, fun, sociable, good job, financially stable, own home, looks after himself etc – but it has never really happened for him. He does date and has had a couple of relationships that have got to a semi-serious stage (c2 yrs) and looked as if they might be ‘the one’ but they’ve never worked out beyond that. We’ve spoken about it so many times and he’s so desperately sad about the situation but not willing to give up on having children. He won’t date anyone unless there’d be a prospect of having a family together, but that means he’s turned down chances for relationships which might have made him happy. I am sad for him and also worried about whether I’ve given him the right advice when we had a long conversation about it recently.

What would you say to a friend in that position (who asked for your advice)?

The reality is, to attract a much younger woman - which is what he needs to do to have his own biological children - he has to be a catch. Average looking and not rich is not likely to cut it. Would he consider being a stepdad, as a compromise?

Your friend is a man in his mid 40's and he wants a long term relationship and kid's. He spent years building up a career. He had one relationship that lasted 2 years but did not go further because of religion. Was the religion issue with him or her? Did she want marriage before kids?

Some men want a long term relationship and kid's in their 40's because they don't want to be on there own long term.
Is it the case now that the majority of his friends are in relationships, married and have kid's? So now he is on his own a lot at weekends and during holiday times because they are busy.
Does he really want a child? Has he experience of looking after a friend or family members baby or toddler on his own for any period of time?
Some men like the idea of a child but have no idea of the amount of work involved with a newborn and small kid's. They just can't still live like a single man and expect there partner to do it all. Also at his age he has a higher chance of having a child with autism and I have seen this happen.
Then having a child at almost 50 means that he could have to work beyond retirement age because his child needs financial support until they finish university.

Would he be happy to meet a nice lady with similar interests to his and for them not to have a child? I know several couples who met in their mid 30's - mid 40's and the woman was younger. They decided not to have kids because of her age and a higher chance of disabilities and they both enjoyed busy lives beyond work.

He needs to get involved with some groups or organisations that he has an interest in to meet woman as friends. He could try a dating agency also.
If he is using old look at his photo and what he wrote about himself and see if this could be improved.

Also if he is religions could he get involved with his local church ect?

In his mid 40's he could met a woman like himself who never married or a woman who already has kid's. He may need to accept that he might not have a child but could still end up in a very happy relationship.

Not necessarily for women with 5-10 age years difference. Hard working, solvent, presentable average looks should be fine.

That's if he's looking for women who are serious about coupling up and starting a family, not living the high life or social media.

Or less than average looks too I mean, as long as he's presentable for dating. I definitely wasn't filtering for stunners and bankers only.

It's so hard over 40! I've dipped my poor toe in the online dating pool, not a good idea! If like myself, that's not his thing, I can understand how difficult he finds it to meet new people. It's nearly impossible to meet people with stable erm, mental health and lives. I have kids so don't feel the urgency he must but it's still a struggle. I didn't realise how hard it would be.

DH was 52 when we started dating. He’s been in LTRs but never had children. We were married within a year (we knew each other ten years before we got together) and now have two wonderful DCs. It can happen.

40 is not too old for a man to have a family !

I have friends who have had children in their 50s with a younger woman

He may be shy

He may have not met the right person yet

I believe that there is someone out there for everyone

BTW I would rather have a kind lover, than someone who is "beautiful looking" every time !

Good luck

I know a guy like this too. He’s really friendly, good looking, funny, has his own home, has a good job, god money etc but he’s now 44 and still single.

In his past he’s been extremely picky, was very specific about the type of woman he would date and because he’s never met that ‘perfect’ woman he’s remained alone.

He really, really wants marriage and children, but nor does he want to date anyone who has previously been married or already has children. I have told him that at his age it’s unlikely he will meet a woman in the same age bracket who doesn’t already have children, and even if there are childless women of his age, it’s unlikely they are going to want to start a family a few years down the line.

Ideally he wants to meet a woman who is financially stable, self sufficient, has a good job, but is also about late- 20’s with no baggage (his words). I said not many baggage-free women in their late 20’s will be racing to start a relationship with a man in his mid 40’s if marriage and children is something they want one day.

I have told him that if he wants companionship then he needs to let go of his strict view on what the ‘perfect woman’ should be like otherwise he’s going to end up alone. Despite his bravado we are all pretty confident that he knows deep down that marriage and children are unlikely to be on the cards for him anymore.

OP’s friend is mid-40s. I’m mid-30s and I can’t think of any of my single friends who would couple up with a man 10 years older unless he was a real catch: rich, good looking, charismatic. I know more women my age dating men who are much younger than much older (although most date within a few years of their age). Nothing in OP’s posts suggests that her friend is rich, good looking or charismatic so he will struggle to attract a woman of child-bearing age, especially with his lack of relationship history which, as PP pointed out, is somewhat of a red flag. That’s the brutal reality, unfortunately.

Isn’t it funny how a single man is his 40’s with no kids & never having married is more of a red flag than a man in his 40’s with an ex wife & kids? I totally get it but it’s also really unfair the way society (or we?) view what’s acceptable or attractive & what’s not. A lot of men who’ve been unfaithful & hurt their ex’s & split up the family successfully go on to meet & have families with wife no 2. Yet someone who hasn’t done that is seen as more risky. It’s nuts really. I’d encourage him not to give up hope. Maybe do some therapy & remind himself that not everyone subscribes to societal homeogenous standards. He could meet someone who thinks differently. As long as he’s open, honest & not overly perfectionist about meeting someone.

But a man who has been able to hold down a relationship - and changes have happened, they have divorced - is a different thing to a man of 40 who hasn't ever committed to that extent.
The divorced man might be a total twat (probably is) but somehow a man who has never gone the distance by the age of 40 seems like he's got more obvious flaws. Somewhere. Hidden.
I think the fact of it is that a lot of people who are long-term single actually prioritise themselves (and why not?) but when that becomes a hurdle, people recognise it and bail. It's not that they're being horrible, it's something like, they don't know how to commit to a team?

I think you’ll find that a 45 year-old divorcee with kids is as equally a red flag to women in their 20s and 30s (if not more so) than their never-married, childless counterparts.

He might not want to look this fact in the eye. But he is actually being totally avoidant of commitment. As he clearly has been his whole life

He is deliberately not dating and deliberately holding relationships at bay. He is choosing to maintain a very very high expectation now of having children over actually falling in love. Just more avoidance.

I agree if he really wants to change he should have therapy. But he should also consider if his ideal of a perfect family is something he is using as a shield to stop himself ever actually committing

He's the kind of person to get very focused and never do anything casually or leave it as 'good enough'. He also can't bear to leave things unfinished, so works incredibly hard

Does he understand that parenting needs flexibility and is often 'good enough'? @Gini83 I wonder if that is what scared women off.

I think he is probably completely unrealistic about family life and parenting but he's definitely not the only would-be parent to fall into that trap! I've tried to be open about the extra stress and burdens of raising children, as well as the positives, but it's difficult to see that when you're not living it.

A few PP have suggested adoption. He's never mentioned adoption and (especially as someone with adopted family members) I would worry that he'd not have the time and emotional resources to be a single parent, especially to an adopted child who might well need particular support. I guess he might also be getting to the edge of being eligible as a single adopter too.

At his age he probably needs to start coming to terms with the fact that he is unlikely to become a father. He is getting too old and just as with women's eggs the rate of genetic abnormalities in sperm increase as a man ages.

He should focus on figuring out why his relationships fail and then on finding a partner, the having a family boat has sailed. He might consider if he would be happy to be a step father, adopt or foster if he is a suitable candidate.

I disagree that the family ship has sailed for me. He is not mid-60s, he is only mid-40s. There are plenty of single women late 30s-early 40s. If they match, at that age the decision making comes much faster, within a year, so everything still remains at least a possibility. But he should be more proactive and meet as many women as possible to find the one.

@honeypancake Its very unlikely a woman still young enough to have children, especially multiple children with him will be interested in him unless he is somehow exceptional and if he were he'd be taken already.

So your mate is in his 40s, works hard/long hours, then goes the gym & trains multiple times a week so probably has very limited down-time - but when he does he prefers to cram in hiking/mountain climbing etc.

To me this sounds very much the exact opposite to being a prospective partner and may well be why he can't keep a relationship going, it all sounds rather exhausting. Sorry op.

Well no, that's to you. I was dating in my mid 30s and was interested in men who were attractive to me, presentable, successful and well educated plus interested/ interesting etc . For instance my most recent also rans were a few Drs, an airline pilot, a few engineers, a couple of scientific types. That's not rich. It's solvent and hardworking. Charismatic means what in this sense? Can hold a conversation and has a bit of life experience and humour or pulls out silver coin from behind your ear? These requirements are pretty normal, solvent, decent job, decent man, presentable looks. Nothing out of the ordinary. I certainly wasn't looking for a billionaire with a load of flannel.

DP is 9 years older than me, he is early 40s and me 30s. I already have a child, he has none. I have deliberated over his relationship history being only a couple of years with women being an issue, but his reasons for things have stacked up. There have been no ‘crazy’ ex’s. Things like not feeling like someone was the right fit and being open about it but seeing how they went, trying living together then calling it. Wanting to leave London and move back rurally and the other person not wanting to etc. He also said dating in London is hard as it can be quite transient, and my brother said the same. He was open to children but it isn’t a must, he made peace before we met with the fact that it might not happen for him now. Previously he was trying to find someone without children to have them with, but then decided he’d rather have children in his life even if they are not biologically his. I was right on the end of the age range he was looking at.

He too had been career focused, but he had ME for three years around the turn of his 30s and I think that puts people off, as well as some OCD like tendencies. Coincidentally I also have OCD, I am perhaps less worried and more understanding than some about MH. I have to add that he is quite good looking, not in an ‘he must be an arsehole as he’s hot and single at his age’ way, but a 40s man with no grey hair, a great hairline, not fat but well built enough to feel like a proper ‘man’ (my ex was super thin!), dark hair, dark eyes and great stubble.

I think as you age you are less prepared to compromise, and it gets harder to compromise. You have to decide how much you want a relationship and what you’re prepared to move on. It sounds like your friend isn’t ready to flex on his ideal yet. But as a woman probably in his age range, he doesn’t appeal to me. The lots of exercise makes me think he’s very ‘him’ focused which isn’t usually compatible with a small family, and he doesn’t sound much of a looker to me. I would also wonder why it hasn’t happened for him yet and want to examine those reasons more closely. For DP I’d say his health would bother a lot of women, the history of ME and MH difficulties. He isn’t an easy person, but nor am I.

The thing about exercise... A few PPs have picked up on this, saying it's off-putting that he spends so much time on exercise and outdoor pursuits. Am I missing something, because this wouldn't occur to me to be a problem? He has to fill his time somehow, and this seems to be a way of filling time which shows an active, motivated, disciplined character (and results in a hot bod!). I don't get the sense that he would insist on keeping all this up if he had kids. I mean, who knows, we all know men who try to cling to their pre-kids life, but we don't know that he would be one of them. I feel like he can't win here - he's single and childless, but then he's criticised for filling his free time with his own interests. I'd rather a man like him than someone who goes home and stares at the TV with a can of beer.

It is really hard to say without meeting him. If I was looking to settle down and met him and clicked with him, in that indefinable way, none of what I've read on this thread would matter. He sounds solvent, stable and decent - beyond that, it's going to be down to attraction, and whether he turns out to be an emotional fuckwit after all.

I don’t know a single nice good looking man in his mid 40s who isn’t a slightly nightmarish weirdo about something or other

of course it’s never too late - look at Bernie Ecclestone - but obviously he’ll need to go for younger partners

its a difficult one
my friend was similar thought he’d struck gold and found the one
turn out she was 38 desperate for a child as clock ticking told him everything he wanted to here and soon as she was pregnant he was kicked to the kerb

But were you dating men 10+ years older than you? I have a similar criteria to you, I’m not looking for a rich boyfriend, but like most women my age I am looking for a partner at broadly my age group. When I was on dating apps my age range went up to 42. We can all pretend that women in their 20s and 30s consider men in their mid-40s and older in the same league as men their age, but that doesn’t help OP’s friend because it’s simply not reality. I disagree with PP who said the ship has sailed for OP’s friend having a family, however, as he can meet a woman in her 40s who can still fall pregnant, and he obviously also has the option of becoming a step-parent.