How often do you message married men?

[MystyLuna]

I am just wondering how often women send messages to married men?
Numerous women have added my husband on social media and I personally find it a bit strange how many messages they send.
These are women he isn't friends with.
He will met them by chance somewhere.
For example, he will fix a mates car and when he was there a woman (friend or relatives of said mate) will be there.
Later that woman will add my husband on social media and then start sending him loads of messages.
I have seen messages first thing in the morning which say "morning how are you?"
So nothing really wrong with the actual message but I just find it bizarre.
If I happened to meet someone by chance for a couple of minutes, I wouldn't instantly add them on social media and then message them every day, especially if they were married.
To me it just seems like a bizarre thing to do to start sending a married man daily messages.
If it was just one woman I probably wouldn't mention it, but it has been numerous women.
I know for certain that nothing has happened with any of these women and my husband can be a bit of a chatter box.
Especially when it comes to cars.
If someone asks him a car related question he can talk for hours (regardless of whether he is talking to a man or a woman).
My husband is too nice. If someone texts him, he will text back because he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I have told him that he is replying to much and it could lead to someone getting the wrong idea so why risk it.
I personally would never text a married man to ask "Hi what are you up to today" because it is none of my business and I just think it is strange.
Especially when it is someone I have met once for 5 minutes.
Maybe I am out of touch? Is this something people do?
I am currently sat in the bathroom typing this while my husband is downstairs messaging a woman he has met maybe once or twice who has just broken up with her boyfriend.
Another example. One of my neighbours has a daughter who needed a new car but didn't have any money because she was escaping an abusive relationship.
We didn't know the daughter but we friends with the mother.
At the time we had a car that we were getting rid of.
Me being an idiot, said the daughter could have the car and she could just pay for it once she got on her feet.
The daughter came to look at the car but didn't take it because the insurance was too much.
Next thing I know, she has added my husband on WhatsApp and messages him regularly.
Again husband not interested in her but always messages back to be nice.
Another example, my husband plays a playstation game with a mate that lives 3 hours away.
About 18 months ago this mate asked if a woman he knew could also play with them.
That woman then added my husband on Facebook (hadn't met her at the time) and started sending dozens of messages every day.
Is this something I should let go or am I right and it is strange?

This seems so unhealthy and insular. Op you need to speak to an adult who isn’t your dh about life - if you are adamant you don’t need friends and family would you consider a counsellor? No my dh has never had random women add him on socials and then bombard him with messages - most happily married men would deflect this kind of attention. I cannot see how this is a happy marriage - you just work and he is on standby. What are your hobbies and interests?

I think it highly unlikely that multiple women are regularly texting a random man they just met without any encouragement.

I am reading his messages because he will be sat next to me on the sofa when someone messages him and I can quite clearly see his phone.
Or he will be showing me a video on his phone and a message will pop up.
Or we have this thing we both do, when one of us leaves our phone unattended the other will take a sexual photo with the phone for the other to find the next time they unlock their phone.
We have both been doing this for years.
Sometimes he leaves the message app open on his phone so I can see the messages.

Ok everyone.
I am spending a lot of time reading everyone's messages and trying to reply to them all.
I should be speaking to my husband about this rather than hundreds of strangers on the internet.
I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be a paranoid nagging wife before bring it up.
Thanks everyone

You know him best not random women on MN so I understand you being defensive.

Your situation seems quite unique. However if you feel in your gut that the frequency/ type of messages are bordering on an emotional affair I.e. talking to them about his feelings, investing in each others lives etc then I think you have a valid concern you should raise with him.

It seems like when you have raised concerns he has listened by blocking them. But did he realise the messages had become inappropriate and blocked them himself or did you read something that upset you and he blocked them so you wouldn’t question it further? These are two very different things.

Even if you speak to him op he will just lie his way out of it. You need to find out who these women are and how they know of him and if he’s doing anything from you need to find evidence first or he will just turn it on you and tell you you’re being unreasonable or paranoid

This is the only possible explanation I can think of for this, people just don't add random almost strangers and text them like this. Especially suspicious since it's more than 1 woman this has happened with.

you get my drift though, I hope?

To spell it out: I am implying that he is texting them and they are responding. That’s often how it works.

Not a chance, would I be messaging a married man or adding him on social media.

Also you say that your husband is too nice not to reply but he’s not nice enough to draw a boundary for his wife and in respect to his relationship? I don’t think this is nice. XXX I think he needs to draw a line.

In my opinion is disrespectful and it’s not safeguarding your relationship which is a job that you both have to do.

Ho ho! Now that’s the question. Aside from friends I never contact married men. The opposite has happened to me quite a lot.

They say 'the devil makes work for idle hands'.

Ultimately, unless your husband has an open door policy, none of this is a threat to your relationship.

I get men in my inbox, but they soon remove themselves when there's no engagement. My block button is also very active, so nothing anyone I would be in a relationship with would need to worry about.

How does your husband respond to these messages? Doesn't he also have to accept friend requests? Why does he?

If he isn’t happy then he can decline the friend request and put his messages to friends only.

He knows what he is doing and is enjoying the attention

How is none of it a threat to op’s relationship? He’s taking her for a mug! Ask yourself how these random unknown women got his WhatsApp number and Facebook details?
No he doesn’t have to accept the friend request, but he CHOOSES to do so.

You get random men in your inbox but you don’t respond and your block button is ‘very active’ so you say it’s nothing anyone should be worried about. The op’s DH is somehow getting random women in his inbox and he’s not using his block button but choosing to respond so it is something to worry about. There’s the difference.

I mean none of the friend requests are a threat- her husband is. You're right in that hes taking her for a mug.

He has no boundaries, is soliciting 'friendships' online, is not using his block button; and that is what threatens their relationship. Not the randoms online, but him.

I don’t really know - my partner and I (both in our early 20s) are pretty skint right now so we have a close friend moving in (I know her from university). She’s also in a relationship, but she and my boyfriend get on super well - both into the same music etc that I don’t care for. She sends him links etc to music / social media posts of their favourite artists, and asks him about what I’d like for Xmas etc. socially, we have a good laugh as a group and she’ll have a laugh with him but honestly it doesn’t bother me much. I trust her, and a definitely trust him (and even if I didn’t, a cheater will cheat regardless).

This is so weird!

That’s not what the OP is saying though. These aren’t friends these are random women supposedly finding her DH in SM after a brief chat in passing and pursuing him with no encouragement - it doesn’t happen

Same here. I have some friends who are married men. I might message them from time to time. Or married work colleagues I might do the same.

My rule is I’d never send them a message I wouldn’t want my husband or their wife to see.

I wouldn’t ever add a random bloke, unless I needed to contact him for a specific reason, e.g my plumber lives locally and his business is his SM page.

I agree. He needs to stop accepting these FB friend requests and block the WhatsApp messages.

This is nothing like the op’s situation and completely irrelevant. The women adding him on facebook and WhatsApp are not people that op’s DH knows on the level you are talking about on your post. They are simply random women who he has briefly met. Plus he’s obviously made a point of giving them his WhatsApp number and social media details. He has only told op about them because op saw messages pop up on his phone or while she was sat next to him otherwise she wouldn’t know these random women exist.
Are you saying you’d be happy for this to happen if your DH was doing the same to you?

I think that rather than an affair, your DH is lacking adult conversation, and generally a gregarious friendly person...

And so these online friends are meeting that need.

If he's open about what is discussed, if he is not putting chatting with them ahead of real life interaction with you, kids, and getting on with day to day life, I would be inclined to accept this is just him. Though I agree with the warning to him that some people will be far more invested in 'just messages' than he seems to realise.

Problems arise where one partner is discussing personal issues with strangers rather than resolving them with the other partner - and where the messaging takes preference to real life. So you get stroppy behaviour when you change plans and he can't sit around chatting, or you're not allowed to read the conversations.

Its very easy then for fantasy to take over and the more someone invests in that (particularly when they're painting themselves to be perfect and put upon and hard done to so they get oodles of sympathy from their message buddy) the less they invest in real life, so real life begins to suffer and in turn the message buddy fantasy world becomes more and more appealing.

Most of my close friends are women or gay men, so I’d say I message heterosexual married men only a few times a year. But it’s always for a reason, organising lifts for dc, about a BBQ we are having, to rsvp to an invite, to request someone send my child on their way home, to buy something of Facebook marketplace. I think if random women are adding your partner on social media and messaging good morning (literally no woman has ever done that in 17 years to Dh), it’s because he’s giving out his details and showing interest in them. Random women don’t just message, certainly not multiple ones.

If he’s lonely, why doesn’t he have same sex friends? You know like most SAHMs.

Or get a PT or working from home job or volunteer - like most SAHMs.

How odd that all his friends happen to be attractive young women ! And chatting with a friend’s daughter ( who I assume is much younger than him ) is just plain creepy, even if they were both single.

It’s like all these married men who work in an office and are “ supporting “ a colleague though some personal emotional crisis that involves one to one lunches , drinks after work and late night calls and texts. It’s NEVER another man ( unless they are bi) or woman who is 20 years older or unattractive. Even though older women and men have just as many problems in life as young attractive women.

This was my ex.

He was the good looking stay at home dad. Flirting with anyone and everyone for an ego boost and of course they came looking for him on social media. He eventually had an emotional affair with one. I think him not working was part of it. He needed to feel connected and mainly that was all the school mums.

I got rid. Couldn't stand the feeling I couldn't trust him. He always had his phone close. Amended the notifications so I couldn't see who had texted him.

Anyway - the problem here is your DH encouraging OW. Sorry.

Just to confirm it wasn't a mate's much younger daughter.
It was a neighbours daughter.
The neighbour is about 60 and the daughter is about 40