How often do you message married men?

[MystyLuna]

I am just wondering how often women send messages to married men?
Numerous women have added my husband on social media and I personally find it a bit strange how many messages they send.
These are women he isn't friends with.
He will met them by chance somewhere.
For example, he will fix a mates car and when he was there a woman (friend or relatives of said mate) will be there.
Later that woman will add my husband on social media and then start sending him loads of messages.
I have seen messages first thing in the morning which say "morning how are you?"
So nothing really wrong with the actual message but I just find it bizarre.
If I happened to meet someone by chance for a couple of minutes, I wouldn't instantly add them on social media and then message them every day, especially if they were married.
To me it just seems like a bizarre thing to do to start sending a married man daily messages.
If it was just one woman I probably wouldn't mention it, but it has been numerous women.
I know for certain that nothing has happened with any of these women and my husband can be a bit of a chatter box.
Especially when it comes to cars.
If someone asks him a car related question he can talk for hours (regardless of whether he is talking to a man or a woman).
My husband is too nice. If someone texts him, he will text back because he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I have told him that he is replying to much and it could lead to someone getting the wrong idea so why risk it.
I personally would never text a married man to ask "Hi what are you up to today" because it is none of my business and I just think it is strange.
Especially when it is someone I have met once for 5 minutes.
Maybe I am out of touch? Is this something people do?
I am currently sat in the bathroom typing this while my husband is downstairs messaging a woman he has met maybe once or twice who has just broken up with her boyfriend.
Another example. One of my neighbours has a daughter who needed a new car but didn't have any money because she was escaping an abusive relationship.
We didn't know the daughter but we friends with the mother.
At the time we had a car that we were getting rid of.
Me being an idiot, said the daughter could have the car and she could just pay for it once she got on her feet.
The daughter came to look at the car but didn't take it because the insurance was too much.
Next thing I know, she has added my husband on WhatsApp and messages him regularly.
Again husband not interested in her but always messages back to be nice.
Another example, my husband plays a playstation game with a mate that lives 3 hours away.
About 18 months ago this mate asked if a woman he knew could also play with them.
That woman then added my husband on Facebook (hadn't met her at the time) and started sending dozens of messages every day.
Is this something I should let go or am I right and it is strange?

Not remotely normal. He's probably met most of these women online, and they don't even know he's married.

Never unless I am arranging something for their wives and need their help.

Yes I would say the women are testing to see if he is interested. Fair enough the car connection that's fine but random messages that's suspicious. He shouldnt reply back to those type of messages and ideally unfriend those ones. He doesnt need to accept the friend requests either remember.

6 people over 5 years isn’t a lot

Nope not normal behaviour! Even more so as you told him you don't like it and he continues.

I have a good-looking husband and this just doesn’t happen. He meets a lot of people through his work too.

So I’d assume that it is happening often enough to have some encouragement from your DH I’m afraid. Maybe it’s an ego boost, maybe something more sinister. You can’t add someone on WhatsApp without them giving you their number… Or maybe he needs to make his social media profiles hidden / use a fake name, like teachers do 🤣

my bet is that your husband is not being honest with you and you will soon find that these messages are the tip of the infidelity iceberg. Good luck to you OP.

This: even if it’s all coming from them - he shouldn’t be accepting them or engaging. I wouldn’t accept a random man who came to look at our car!!

The OP, is not talking about friends and family!

Just saw this. Jeez OP, I thought you were meaning a few women a week. This changes it, it's likely to be innocent I'd think and maybe they want car advice. A good, honest mechanic is hard to find

So he goes to these car meets himself for 10 years and you have only been to one of them? Oh come on op it’s obvious what’s going on while he’s been there on his own, he’s been chatting up women and giving them his details and inviting them to add him on social media! Just because he “wants you to go” doesn’t mean he actually does want you to go or that he hasn’t done anything wrong while he’s been to them by himself!! Don’t be so bloody naive!!

Let me get this straight... everywhere he goes ...these random women he meets just going about his busines, they all manage to find him (and his mobile number for whatsapp) and add him, and they all just message him to speak to him for no apparent reason. Ok...

This, I can honestly say I don’t think a random woman has ever messaged my husband and he isn’t ugly

Haha it couldn’t be anymore obvious what’s going on if it all jumped up and smacked op in the face yet she appears to be defensive about her husband in all her updates. She will find out sooner or later that he’s a sleaze bag.
I bet he’s absolutely having a field day with these women while claiming these women just find him and throw themselves at him knowing that op will just naively and blindly believe him.

The only married man I message more than ‘good morning’ to, is my husband. I wouldn’t be keen if my DH was messaging married women socially even if it was in front of me. It would take time away from our relationship and our DC’s. I wouldn’t want his mind focused on these random women that mean nothing to our family situation.

DH and I are very similar with our values. I think if someone is with someone who is very outgoing and social and the other is less so, it may be a mis-match of personality and upset the other.

No advice, sorry.

This is really weird and I would find it unacceptable.
I once had a handsome local man add me and I accepted. There was no photos of any woman so presumed he was single. He liked my photos (selfie type) and then added me on instagram. To my shock he had a load of pictures with his partner and kids. I unfriended him straight away.

XH used to do shit like that and of course he cheated.

No, that is not normal.

I’d tell him, ‘Oh I’m just messaging ‘Ben’ here. I met him in the corner shop! He’s really interested in what I’m wearing right now, isn’t that nice?!’

@MystyLuna would he let you read their messages if you asked? Have you?

If there was a shared interest involved and the messages were purely platonic I could maybe accept it.

However the frequency of messages would be a deciding factor. A message once a week/ once every few weeks is acceptable. Daily messages are not. That is bordering on an emotional affair when he has put a large amount of time and energy into a relationship with another woman. Especially if he finds them attractive and is not related to them.

I think your husband is flirting with them and asking them to add him on social media when he meets them, convenient for him that you have witnessed them adding him. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, he’s tall dark and handsome, I spot women looking at him all the time, he is also chatty. It’s a running joke that we are the last to leave any event because he will find something in common with every man woman and child and chat away. This has never happened to us. Your husband must be encouraging it.

OP, I feel really sorry for you. I don’t know the circumstances of why you have no friends and family, but I think your isolation is why you can’t see this for what it is - a husband problem.

Even if these women were seeking him out and messaging him without any encouragement (I highly doubt), he isn’t stopping it. These are strangers. It would be easy enough to ignore/ block but he’s more concerned about their feelings than yours - what does that say to you?

I think you know this is inappropriate but I think you also don’t want to rock the boat as your husband is your only support network. It’s all kinds of weird and if cared about you, he wouldn’t entertain this at all.

Almost never. I had a message from my best friend’s husband at Christmas saying he’d had a big night out for his work do and a photo of his breakfast. It was what I used to make for me, his wife and him when we were 19 and hungover.
It made me laugh and was very sweet.

Other than that, I can’t think of a single example (except for family members or for specific things like arranging work men) in the last year. I don’t arrange surprises for my friends through their partners anymore because we all have kids and surprise tickets to see a band might not be as well received as 15 years ago. I understand they might not have plans on the weekend and actually be planning on having no plans. We plan our nights out about 4 months ahead now.

I wouldn’t message any random men for idle chit chat because I respect my husband too much. Never mind if they’re married or not.

Your husband should treasure you.

And how do you get to know about these women? Do you see them and question him or does he openly tell you himself they added him? Either way is irrelevant because even if he openly told you himself these random women added him, it’s just a manipulation tactic so that you won’t be suspicious when you see them on his friends list or when messages pop up on his phone. Him claiming he’s just ‘being nice’ means he’s just manipulating you so you’ll question your own sanity and be more likely to think he’s oh so innocent! He’s not innocent op these women are finding him because he’s been chatting them up at these racing events over the course of the many years. You also need to ask yourself how all these women are getting his number to message him on WhatsApp.
And these are also the ones you know about. There will be many more who haven’t added him that you don’t know about too!

He’s probably also made any reference to him being in a relationship ‘private’ on facebook and any pictures of him with you he will have most likely tweaked his privacy settings so that only immediate friends and family can see them. I bet these women can’t even see that he’s in a relationship and can’t even see any pictures he’s posted of you!
He’s a flirt and a sleaze but you don’t seem to see it. Wouldn’t surprise me if he’s cheated tbh as you don’t know what he’s been up to at these racing events when he’s attended them without you.

Unless he is traffic-stoppingly attractive, he'll be flirting with them

I find this very strange. The issue isn't messaging a married man. I have friends who happen to be male and married. Nothing wrong with that.
The issue is random women who your DH has met for two minutes, adding him as a friend on social media and sending him frequent messages. This is what's strange!!
This has never happened with my DH and I think my DH is an attractive man.
I feel like there's more going on here.

I love the fairly even split of the comments in here. No woman would message like this unless they fancy him, he's married so he shouldn't be accepting or messaging back, it's completely innocent and I message married people all the time...

Me personally, I would never message a random person's partner with "how are you today". I think everyone knows the intent behind that message!

Although I can't help feeling this comes off as a humble brag too... "I have a hot husband, check out all the attention he's getting".