Saw a whatsapp message about me 😞

[DreadingItagain]

We have a family WA group (me, DM, DSIS (2) and DB plus SIL and one BIL. Just because it makes it easier to share things and arrange things.

For context, I don’t work (due to disability and also my DS has one of the same disabilities as me).

A message popped up on the WA group from DB at around 2 pm today saying ‘So , what do we all think DreadingItagain will come up with now as a reason to not work ! Can’t see her getting away with it anymore !’ Obviously in relation to the spring budget. I saw it and replied ‘WTF???’ . Then nothing. No reply, No apology. Can only assume that they have another group as he put ‘we’?

I’ve never thought anyone resented me but clearly they do. I called DM and all she could say was ‘everyone is allowed an opinion and he hasn’t said it to your face’??? Spoke to one of my sisters who was evasive and denied there was another group. So I messaged on the family group ‘Clearly some of you have a problem with me and have been bitching about me and my child behind my back. Just in case you were wondering I do actually get 4 points in one descriptor so I don’t have anything to worry about at the current time in relation to my finances, my family on the other hand I do seem to need to worry about.’And I left the group.

Im really hurt though. Why are people so happy about the thought of others having a difficult time ???

What a shotty bunch, so sorry OP.

If my son did that about my daughter, I would be so disappointed and absolutely be showing it!

I hate it when DM feels like they need to defend the wrongdoer to keep peace. She should have corrected DB and stood up for you.

Hi OP, the fact he said this behind your back AND is your brother is incredibly sad and upsetting!

I am curious to know what disability you have which doesn’t allow you to do any work? Raising a child is incredibly hard work, how are you coping? Please don’t take my question the wrong way, I am genuinely curious. I have a son with learning difficulties who will probably never be able to gain paid work and it really breaks my heart.

There are two things at play here and I don’t think it’s useful to conflate them.

1. do your family love you. It sounds like they do from what you’ve said. They’ve been supportive and you clearly have regular contact which before that comment was positive.

2. do your family agree that you can’t work? It sounds like they think you could work in one way or another, and are choosing not to. It wasn’t nice to hear their views in the way you did, probably not nice to hear it at all. But sometimes we can’t just go on supporting people who aren’t doing the “right thing” sometimes, it’s often the closest people to you who are the most honest.

He’s clearly struggling to reconcile that you don’t work or earn your income. Seemingly others in the family agree with him from their responses.

Ultimately, I would step back and reflect. If you truly can’t work, then you are within your rights to feel hurt and adjust your relationships with them (and educate them). If you could work but have allowed your diagnosis to work as an excuse, then perhaps this is a wake up call, especially when I comes to being a role model for you child.

Only you know the situation.

I think she naturally always jumps to his side as he’s the only boy and she is of the mindset that a man’s views are very important

This, OP.
You shouldn't have had to see that message, whether they meant you to or not. But the tone comes from the despair of working non stop for hardly any reward. It's easy to see why people are resentful of those who don't have to work and have a similar or sometimes even better quality of life.

Just for clarity @Plenum is referring to another thread where I quoted and agreed with a post about children under three and childcare because ideally yes I do think it’s better for a child to be woth a primary caregiver if possible. This is due to some personal experiences with childcare under the age of 3 not going well and some research that under the age of 3 it doesn’t benefit a child but obviously I understand some parents have no choice.

I thought it was important to make it clear as otherwise it’s a vague post from someone not related to the issue I’ve posted about.

What's that got to do with this thread? Challenge on the other thread where it's relevant if you need to? Are you just trying to make the op look bad?

It’s fine really if @Plenum thinks its a vital piece of information they can link to the thread I think I only had a couple of posts on it but in the interests of transparency none of my family have an under 3 but if anyone wants to look go ahead.

I also had a moan about seatbelts on coaches for school trips yesterday on a thread. None of my family run a coach business either 😂

I don't know whether this feels possible right now but I wonder whether it might be possible for you and your brother to meet up just the two of you and listen to each other's viewpoints - not discussing or arguing, just listening.

You are very understandably hurt and upset both by people talking behind your back and by the thought that some family members don't believe the impact of your disability. It's a really hard thing to feel like your struggles are not being seen or acknowledged.

Your brother is still carrying pain and resentment about what he sees as favouritism in your childhoods. In addition to this childhood unfairness, he feels it is unfair that he has to get up and go to work and deal with all the constraints and effort of having a job, and you don't work.

Both of these things can be true - it's not an either/or. If you do want to carry on having a relationship with your brother, it might be worth getting together and just hearing the other person's perspective.

Beside the point of your thread, but if it means parents can work and put a roof above their head and food on the table, then it does benefit under 3yos.

No wonder you're hurt. I would be hurt to. Clearly they don't mean everything they have said to you and you can't trust everything they say to you going forward.

Knowing that, what do you want to do?

Well she wrote this which I don’t think anyone can argue with…

ideally yes I do think it’s better for a child to be with a primary caregiver if possible

It’s also better to have a full balanced diet, a childhood full of rich cultural experiences etc. Children might or might not have that, but it is ‘better’.

I’m sorry but this is what is wrong with a lot of people right now. Unlike how it’s portrayed in the media, it’s generally not easy to get benefits like PIP/DLA etc. Those that aren’t genuine do need to be weeded out and routed back into work, however the majority of claimants would work if they possibly could. If someone genuinely needs state help because they are unable to work due to ill-health or disability, then I want them to receive enough money to allow them to have a good life. Just because they are unlucky enough not to be able to work for genuine reasons, doesn’t mean I want them to have less than me, they deserve a good standard of living. I feel a lot of people struggle to have empathy for others who are in a different situation to them and that’s really sad.

Wrong with people? Many people are working full time and aren't even able to afford accommodation for themselves. They have to pay 100% of their own living exoenses and have nothing left after that. A lot of.working people under 40 are now living in houseshares, unablento save and withour any hopemof starting a family..At the same time, people who work no hours or part time are helped into accommodation by the council. Do you think this is fair?

SunnySideDeepDown has written two very good posts and OP you are ignoring answering any of these questions. Your brother may have been the one to post the WhatsApp but from what you've said it's clear your family all think similarly. So does your mum also have no idea of your day to day struggles either?
People who genuinely care about you shouldn't just be there as "yes people". I'm sure their feelings are from a place of frustration. Maybe they feel with the right support you could work and that could be beneficial for your health and as a role model for your child who you said also has one of these health conditions.
Everyone telling you to cut your family off are essentially saying anyone who disagrees with your choices shouldn't be able to voice them or have a place in you or your child's life. Better to have an open and honest discussion with them. I get you are hurt because you didn't see this coming, but I doubt it's from a place of malice on your family's part.

Yes, cause I don’t want to live in a society where there isn’t a safety net for the most vulnerable in society.

Indeed, but when the safety net is higher and nicer than the living standards of workers you know it can't and won't continue like that.

People in low paid work may be eligible for Universal Credit and help with rental costs.

Anyway, you will probably get your wish now that the current Government is going to force people on disability benefits back into the work place. This won't have the effect of making the lives of non-disabled people struggling on low pay any better but at least they can be happy that disabled people are struggling too.

I don’t think it does provide a better standard of living

Your comment is based on the premise that the state should keep those who are unable to work on a standard living less than minimum wage as some sort of punishment. I think that’s disgusting, there’s so many reasons why people may not be working through caring responsibilities, disability or old age. I don’t want to live in a society that puts works on a pedestal and punishes people for getting old or ill.

also, your whole comment is based on the premise you’ll not need to rely on the state I think that’s arrogant there’s no guarantee any of us won’t get ill and we’ll all get old (if we’re lucky)

The brother wasn’t being open and honest, nor kind or genuinely concerned. He was just being bitchy behind her back. If he is genuinely concerned for her and wants to help then it should be him apologising, then starting a kind discussion with her about it. It’s not up to OP to reach out to him now and start that conversation. She’s hurt and more than understandably so.

I earn a very basic wage and have to rent, I don’t have lots of money and I know things are very tough. I had to be in house shares in my early 30s too because I couldn’t afford to rent on my own and it was horrible and wrong. However I feel people with genuine disabilities, which make it impossible for them to work should be treated with respect and compassion. They have an incredibly hard life and struggle in so many ways that yes, I don’t want them to struggle financially too, just because I struggle even though I have a full time job.

The whole disability system needs an overhaul, however those in most need shouldn’t be punished because some people abuse the system now. People do need to show compassion, because if they were in that situation (and it’s a horrible situation to be in), through no fault of their own, would they want to be made to feel guilty for even existing and living. Suicide rates are extremely high amongst long term disabled and a lot of those are down to finances. They are people too and deserve a life, they shouldn’t be made to feel inferior and less worthy than someone who has the luxury of good enough health to be able to work. That doesn’t mean everyone else who has a disability should automatically be entitled to disability benefits, however those who genuinely need them shouldn’t be made out to be second class citizens either and made to feel bad because they can’t work.