Saw a whatsapp message about me 😞

[DreadingItagain]

We have a family WA group (me, DM, DSIS (2) and DB plus SIL and one BIL. Just because it makes it easier to share things and arrange things.

For context, I don’t work (due to disability and also my DS has one of the same disabilities as me).

A message popped up on the WA group from DB at around 2 pm today saying ‘So , what do we all think DreadingItagain will come up with now as a reason to not work ! Can’t see her getting away with it anymore !’ Obviously in relation to the spring budget. I saw it and replied ‘WTF???’ . Then nothing. No reply, No apology. Can only assume that they have another group as he put ‘we’?

I’ve never thought anyone resented me but clearly they do. I called DM and all she could say was ‘everyone is allowed an opinion and he hasn’t said it to your face’??? Spoke to one of my sisters who was evasive and denied there was another group. So I messaged on the family group ‘Clearly some of you have a problem with me and have been bitching about me and my child behind my back. Just in case you were wondering I do actually get 4 points in one descriptor so I don’t have anything to worry about at the current time in relation to my finances, my family on the other hand I do seem to need to worry about.’And I left the group.

Im really hurt though. Why are people so happy about the thought of others having a difficult time ???

I’m sorry that happened OP - does your family to make negative comments about other people in your presence? Sounds like it could be a classic toxic family dynamic (like the one I grew up in) that uses gossip and bitching as a way to bond. I always feel sorry for ppl who do the critical chat, as they clearly feel like this is the only way to connect and have relevance. It’s sad. Don’t let it get to you too much my love x

I'm so sorry - how awful to know that's what they actually think

I hope you and DS have good support IRL from genuine kind people

I don't know anything about PIP - just that I'm fortunate not to need to make any claims for anything but I would never think this about anyone who did claim - I would just think I'm glad they are getting something to help

Reminds me of an x friend - after I was diagnosed with cancer - told me I had to make everything about me and I didn't really have cancer as it was only BC......

This is the kind of thing I'd expect from my aunt and cousins, but not my parents and siblings. They sound like a nest of vipers.

You left the WA group, which is good. I'd just leave some space between you and them. I expect you may get individual apologies in time.

I’m so sorry op. I have multiple invisible conditions and a disability, my kids have inherited these from me to varying degrees.
because they are invisible and fluctuate I’ve dealt with hundreds of horrible and shocking remarks from people over the years, about me and my kids.

I honestly don’t think anyone truly believes how much I struggle or how much my children bear, I feel kind of a fraud most of the time if I ever have to explain it to anyone.
I can see people’s micro reactions plus I hear what they say about other sick or disabled people and read the awful opinions in the media etc, and this includes people in the helping professions and healthcare workers etc, as a service user and a long term service provider I’m shocked daily by the attitudes of people who profess to care as a vocation.

it’s devastating, nobody chooses life changing disability.
i do work but if I weren’t solely responsible for a mortgage I’d stop working in a second.
Barely have any capacity to work so it means everything else in my life takes a back seat and that includes my sen kids who don’t get any support because they ‘don’t look disabled’.
hugs to you, you must be gutted. Honestly I’d rather know who’s in my corner now and not be giving away anything of my precious time and energy or access to my beautiful kids to people who don’t believe me or talk shit about me behind my back and sometimes to my face.

Sometimes family don’t see it

I don’t tell my dad that I need to sleep for 2hrs after work to be able to function because I don’t want him to worry and he doesn’t need to know

When I was diagnosed with endometriosis he didn’t have a clue about it. He thought it was standard period pain until he came over one day when I was mid flare on the floor screaming and had to ring 999 as I couldn’t move to get to hospital. He was horrified

But now he’s my biggest champion, watching videos on it, sending me articles, doing anything that can help

When you have calmed down from your very reasonable anger it might be good to go around with beer/food and ask him if he is OK and what happened?

What the actual hell?

In that case, why is that on OP to work out and not on the brother to man up and explain and apologise?

It also doesn't seem out of character. The OP just hasn't known about it.

So , what do we all think DreadingItagain will come up with now as a reason to not work ! Can’t see her getting away with it anymore !’ doesn't sound like a one-off to me but part of a long-running conversation between the other family members.

OP's mother didn't even dispute that's how he feels: "At least he didn't say it to your face".

i’m so sorry this is awful :(
It sounds like they don’t even care what’s happened. i would take a back seat and just do your own thing for a bit. i know they’re family but true family wouldn’t create group chats behind other family members backs and talk smack about them so it’s time to just take a break from speaking to them and hopefully they realise and apologise

Has anyone been in touch with you, OP? I really hope they have and are apologizing.

I spoke to my brother this morning , his ‘apology ‘ was very much ‘sorry you feel this way’ sort of thing. Tried to justify his ‘frustrations’ because all he remembers growing up was my swimming lessons / galas etc and how it’s at odds with how I am now and he feels it’s psychological as well as physical and they (him my mother and sisters) all feel that they work hard and push through but I appear to have ‘given up’

I’m sorry @DreadingItagain
It was nowhere near an apology. But a nice lesson in ableism. And he confirmed that everyone in the family feels like this too.

It must be heartbreaking for you.
How are you coping?

@DreadingItagain Honestly, doesn’t he understand that people’s health can change?😡 My Mum was super-fit until she developed MS in her 40’s. Is he stupid or something??

And the ‘you were swimming a lot as a teen so you can’t be that ill now’ 🤬🤬

Unfortunately a very common idea. If you’re fit then there’s no way you’ll ever be that ill.

He sounds completely ignorant, sorry OP.

Surely he understands peoples health and abilities can change over time.

And I hate that kind of “I’m a tough cookie” badge he’s given himself. It’s usually the people who have never had any chronic illnesses/disabilities themselves that say they can “push through”, because they aren’t pushing through anything and haven’t got a clue.

What was your response to your unempathetic, ignorant brother, @DreadingItagain?

Yeah that’s not an apology.

He’s frustrated because he wrote it in the wrong chat and someone called him out on it.

He’s not on your side, and neither is your mother. Has anyone else spoken to you about it?

How spiteful! If it were me, after speaking to your mum and sister and getting nowhere helpful, I’d simply leave the group chat and resist reaching out to any of them for the time being. How nasty.
Hope you’re okay OP, sadly sometimes families can hurt us the most

@DreadingItagain I am so sorry to read your brother's response. Doubling down on it and confirming it is how your mother and siblings are thinking too. Such a shock for you to absorb. It seems your immediate family have another WA group and feel comfortable talking negatively about you in a very disrespectful manner.
You need to take some time out and give some thought to what they have done. For me the trust would be gone. What message are your family sending not only to you but also their nephew and grandchild who has to be protected from their thinking. I hope you have other support close to you who understand and accept your disability.

Have any other family members including your mother been in touch?

It really sounds like they don't understand your condition or it's impact, have you sat and explained it to them OP? As posters have already said on this thread two people can have the same disability and handle it very differently, so maybe tell them why it effects you so badly. People's health can absolutely change, have you worked in the past/had a career?

I'd cut him off altogether and be very distant with the others from now on. I'd not forget this ever. But I understand it's easier said than done when it's family.

I am so sorry OP.
What an ugly petty man.
You need to take a lot of space from them and protect yourself going forward.
Hard to fathom some people.

Are they right?

Yuck, even your mother is complaining about you and doubting your disability. They sound horribly toxic to be ganging up to slag off their own daughter/sibling.

What do they mean when they say they work hard and 'push through'? Are they saying that they are ill too?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, my daughter has a hidden disability and lives with chronic pain. She would be mortified if I said anything like that about her, you deserve better.

I mean, all of that is missing the point isn’t it?

Regardless of what he believes, or whether he thinks you should/can try harder, what made him think he could slag you off with your family behind your back?

Did he confirm that he posted in the wrong chat?

Because it’s not his actual beliefs that are the worst thing here. It’s the fact that up until now he’s been pretending to be supportive while secretly bitching about you with the rest of your family.

His views are unkind and sound ableist which is bad enough. Surely he understands that “ pushing through” every day is exhausting and sometimes you just can’t do it any more. His opinions sound judgemental and unsympathetic, but the worst part is his clear and open hostility when he thought you’d be out of earshot.

I actually think I’d be done with him and your DM, OP. Either low or no contact. And the rest of them too, depending on what they said. A family that likes to all chat behind your back - quite gleefully by the sounds of things - about how new laws might make it harder for you aren’t worth keeping close.

How did you leave things?