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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saw a whatsapp message about me 😞

288 replies

DreadingItagain · 26/03/2025 18:25

We have a family WA group (me, DM, DSIS (2) and DB plus SIL and one BIL. Just because it makes it easier to share things and arrange things.

For context, I don’t work (due to disability and also my DS has one of the same disabilities as me).

A message popped up on the WA group from DB at around 2 pm today saying ‘So , what do we all think DreadingItagain will come up with now as a reason to not work ! Can’t see her getting away with it anymore !’ Obviously in relation to the spring budget. I saw it and replied ‘WTF???’ . Then nothing. No reply, No apology. Can only assume that they have another group as he put ‘we’?

I’ve never thought anyone resented me but clearly they do. I called DM and all she could say was ‘everyone is allowed an opinion and he hasn’t said it to your face’??? Spoke to one of my sisters who was evasive and denied there was another group. So I messaged on the family group ‘Clearly some of you have a problem with me and have been bitching about me and my child behind my back. Just in case you were wondering I do actually get 4 points in one descriptor so I don’t have anything to worry about at the current time in relation to my finances, my family on the other hand I do seem to need to worry about.’And I left the group.

Im really hurt though. Why are people so happy about the thought of others having a difficult time ???

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 28/03/2025 15:43

So does your brother have extensive medical training then?

BruFord · 28/03/2025 15:44

Because it’s not his actual beliefs that are the worst thing here. It’s the fact that up until now he’s been pretending to be supportive while secretly bitching about you with the rest of your family.

I agree, @SpidersAreShitheads , it’s the bitching behind the OP’s back that’s the real betrayal.

Unfortunately, some ppl are like this. Growing up, my Dad’s side of the family always sniped and gossiped about each other, it was horrible.

LilyOfTheValleySoon · 28/03/2025 15:46

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FBGHHH67776 · 28/03/2025 15:50

So because someone was fit as a youth they cant ever get ill?

What a bell-end

Original poster
DreadingItagain · 28/03/2025 15:50

MsDogLady · 28/03/2025 14:15

What was your response to your unempathetic, ignorant brother, @DreadingItagain?

I told him I can’t be bothered to explain myself and justify myself but if he wants I’ll send over some of my medical records and he can have a read so to let me know as I just couldn’t be bothered to have an actual conversation with him . I did say how I was aged 7-14 with all the swimming was a very long time ago and considering he lives so far and we only see him maybe a few times per year I’m amazed he thinks he is in any position to comment on my day to day functioning. I’m really quite angry now the shock has worn off

OP posts:
Original poster
DreadingItagain · 28/03/2025 15:51

He did say he felt his childhood was impacted by the fact the focus was always my swimming and he felt he had to work hard for attention. And now he has to just work hard that he’s frustrated by it.

OP posts:
FBGHHH67776 · 28/03/2025 15:55

How does he feel your health impacts his life though? He sounds jealous that you are "lucky" enough to be ill!

Would he swap places?

Your mum though is even worse than him imo, she should be your protector yet appears to be enabling his childishness

Magtum · 28/03/2025 15:56

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Layla120 · 28/03/2025 15:56

I'm so sorry OP. That must be heartbreaking. Your mother's response and involvement in the group is particularly galling. Your parents should be the one's trying to keep peace between siblings and advocate for each of you but unfortunately this often doesn't happen. They sound very unsupportive and I'm sure this feels like a kick in the teeth. I would write them a letter detailing how you feel as you have here and then leave the group and the ball in their court although I'm not sure how they can restore the relationships now. I'm so sorry. You can hold your head high. You should be able to expect more of your family X

FlyingUnicornWings · 28/03/2025 15:58

YourWiseSheep · 26/03/2025 18:59

There's alot of resentment building from people grafting working and paying taxes to enable others to get all sorts of benefits. If you genuinely can't work what they said was out of order, they obviously think you are taking advantage of the system

Or he’s just an arsehole.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 28/03/2025 15:59

Your brother is a tosser. Still jealous of lessons you got in childhood now he’s pissed off he’s able bodied.
What a nasty piece of work.

BruFord · 28/03/2025 16:09

Ah, so this isn’t really anything to do with your ability to work. He’s been full of simmering resentment towards you for decades and he’s focusing on your health as a way to criticize and undermine you to the rest of the family.
If it wasn’t your health, it would be something else, iyswim.

He’s got a problem with you and he needs to grow up and get over it.

DisabledDemon · 28/03/2025 16:09

What a stupid, ignorant comment from your brother. For instance, I was a dancer and gymnast when I was younger. Now that I'm older, having fractured a hip and having two different types of arthritis, I couldn't possibly do what I did then and anyone who suggested otherwise would risk having my walking stick rammed down their throat. He needs to wise up.

doodahdayy · 28/03/2025 16:30

He sounds like a jealous twat

DadsMoulting · 28/03/2025 16:45

Maybe tell him he’d do better getting some therapy rather than trying to get the rest of the family to engage in rubbishing you. I am sorry you’re having to deal with this stuff.

Mbhhhvff · 28/03/2025 20:20

Honestly, I wish Karma was a thing, and people like your brother and others who are so unkind to people who have chronic illnesses and disabilities actually got the condition they are questioning so they know exactly what it feels like!

Ohnobackagain · 28/03/2025 20:43

Even if you did get more attention as a child - that’s on your parents and not you. And as you say not reflective of ‘now’. They sound awful and selfish. Sorry @DreadingItagain

Hufdl · 28/03/2025 20:56

Sorry OP, he sounds like such a gobshite.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/03/2025 21:06

He sounds thick and pathetic, I wouldn't have anything to do with him or a mother like that again.

BruFord · 28/03/2025 22:48

If he’s really upset about how he was treated during his childhood, that’s nothing to do with you. He should moan to your parents instead, they were responsible for his upbringing, not you!

autisticbookworm · 29/03/2025 06:48

id be really disappointed in them all and want to take a step back from them. Hope you don’t rely on any of them for support. (Practically or emotionally)

Plenum · 29/03/2025 06:50

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SunnySideDeepDown · 29/03/2025 07:18

Is there some truth in it OP? From what you said about them normally being supportive and loving, it doesn’t sound like they’re trying to be unkind, rather that’s how they truly feel. Work comes in so many forms, can you truly not do anything at all?

This is a point of reflection for you all. Can you each live with the other? Can you repair a relationship when there’s resentment?

Your brother clearly feels you’ve had a positive childhood and feels you now can work but are choosing not to. You feel he’s being unkind and unsupportive as you can’t work. You’re at loggerheads. Perhaps it’s time to have a break from each other.

I take no judgement as I don’t know you or your circumstance at all. All I will say, is I’ve seen both. Friends who have debilitating illness that have ended careers beyond their control. And a cousin and aunt who has been on benefits their whole lives with no jobs, despite having no health issues, despite what they say. It’s a system to protect the truly vulnerable but sometimes people take advantage of it, which is crazy in my eyes as work is a blessing and of much value, not something to shy away from. But we’re all different, some people see having a child as a job, whereas I don’t.

I think you all need some space.

Original poster
DreadingItagain · 29/03/2025 07:20

Ohnobackagain · 28/03/2025 20:43

Even if you did get more attention as a child - that’s on your parents and not you. And as you say not reflective of ‘now’. They sound awful and selfish. Sorry @DreadingItagain

The irony is that yes there was a huge focus on my swimming but it was because I started to experience symptoms that I stopped, at the time it was put down to ‘lack of effort’ or not being motivated enough then they told the school I had too much homework but I just couldn’t keep up with it anymore as I felt unwell. I didn’t bother to tell my brother that as I could see how I’d fall into a trap of just continuously trying to justify myself but he really has no idea !

OP posts:
Original poster
DreadingItagain · 29/03/2025 07:22

SunnySideDeepDown · 29/03/2025 07:18

Is there some truth in it OP? From what you said about them normally being supportive and loving, it doesn’t sound like they’re trying to be unkind, rather that’s how they truly feel. Work comes in so many forms, can you truly not do anything at all?

This is a point of reflection for you all. Can you each live with the other? Can you repair a relationship when there’s resentment?

Your brother clearly feels you’ve had a positive childhood and feels you now can work but are choosing not to. You feel he’s being unkind and unsupportive as you can’t work. You’re at loggerheads. Perhaps it’s time to have a break from each other.

I take no judgement as I don’t know you or your circumstance at all. All I will say, is I’ve seen both. Friends who have debilitating illness that have ended careers beyond their control. And a cousin and aunt who has been on benefits their whole lives with no jobs, despite having no health issues, despite what they say. It’s a system to protect the truly vulnerable but sometimes people take advantage of it, which is crazy in my eyes as work is a blessing and of much value, not something to shy away from. But we’re all different, some people see having a child as a job, whereas I don’t.

I think you all need some space.

Up till now it’s been fine or so I thought. They’ve always been nice, asked how I am and been sympathetic. I’ve not needed any practical help from them so it’s not that they are feeling put upon because I have my own systems in place to cope with things. This weekend we were meant to be meeting up and I’ve decided not to go as it’s too raw

OP posts: