After the birth of a child there is no love from the wife

[alensp55]

M(45), F(30), Son (2 months)

We have been in a relationship for 3 years, married, the child was born 2 months ago, it was a cesarean section.

After the birth of the child, my wife gradually became distant and eventually told me that something had burned out inside her and she no longer wanted to hug or say kind words for me.

Yes, we had arguments before, but I didn't feel they were so critical.

We live like neighbors now. I support the whole family, help with the child, it is very hard for me without love from her.

My wife was previously diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression, which we treated.

Tell me please, is there a chance that this will correct itself over time?

What can I do now? Thanks.

'The' child?!🙄

For heavens sake you are talking about a woman who had c section 2 months ago!

I'd say stop being a wet Nellie, grow up and get on with supporting your newly delivered wife and very young baby.

Good grief. It's not all about you.

You sound appalling. The child is your child. Grow up .

Where are you from?

It sounds like post pregnancy hormones. Your body has a way of making a new mum “all about the baby” as is biologically natural. You see it with all mammals (and of course other animals).

This changes as the baby gets older.

Your wife does have other mental health issues so it might be worth her seeing her GP just to rule out any post natal depression.

'WE treated' her BPD? You have no understanding about BPD.

Your son is only 2 months old. Your wife is probably exhausted and you behaving like a needy toddler is the last thing she has energy for. Be a grown-up and give it more time. A year or more to be honest.

Why do posters keep picking on his wording?

You wouldn’t do this to a woman asking advice.

The husband, who thinks it's all about him.

Did you agree to have a child? Then get on and be a parent and a partner. She's had a caesarean and you have a two month old baby. It's not about only you. Your post has made me so angry! Step up. Help your wife. Parent your child. Stop the fecking navel gazing. I get you may feel hurt, but your wife needs your support you wet lettuce.

You remind me of my ex husband.

The posting style is very odd - detached. I think a woman posting in this way would be questioned too.

When I gave birth, I could see my life so much more clearly. I questioned everything! She is probably doing the same.

Your wife has just had a baby.

Her hormones are all over the place. She has had major surgery. She is going through massive change. She is exhausted. She needs reassurance. You need to give her time to adapt.

Things you could do to help.

• stop calling your baby 'the child'
• stop expecting too much of your wife
• if this is about not getting any sex, I went off sex for 6 months after my DS was born. You have to wait.
• try cleaning the house, cooking her a meal, telling her she is more beautiful than she was before
• buy her flowers & chocolates for mother's Day
• take your baby out in the buggy and give her an hour alone to bathe and regain her balance.
• keep doing all these things for six months.

You are a father now, life is no longer about you. You need to put your wife and child first.

If a woman referred to her newborn as ‘the child’ and her husband as ‘the husband’, I imagine peiole would pick up on it, yes.

Your writing style is familiar. Are you an American problem page writer?

Or are you yet another godawful male who needs to try a lot harder to support his wife?

You need to step up and understand the enormity of what your wife has done.

The truth is that the baby is going to be her main focus for many, many months (years) to come, and your job as a husband and a father is to understand and accept this.

I was incredibly distant from my husband for about a year after our first child was born and it wasn’t because I didn’t love him, it was because the baby consumed all of me (my time, my thinking, my physical energy) and there was just no head space left for me to worry about my husband and his wants/needs.

Thankfully my husband 100% understood this and he did what al good men should do, he supported me and helped me as much as he could and gave me time for my life to feel somewhat normal again. His understanding and unrelenting and unquestioning support during that year were what made it easier for us to reconnect when I finally started to feel like myself again.

You are expecting way too much, too soon, and your wife needs to know you have her back and you shouldn’t be putting any pressures and expectations on her when she probably already feels at breaking point with the weight of responsibility she already feels on her shoulders.

Just leave her be and support her through this incredibly difficult and exhausting period.

Um, she's got BPD, possibly PND, she's recovering from a CS, so she might need to see her GP to access some help.

What are you doing to make her feel loved?

Agree with others, it's not about you.

You haven't been married or together that long before having a baby. Your marriage wasn't really tested and now there is a baby to focus on. You both need to focus on your baby now and you need to focus on supporting her. Life changes after a baby. That's a fact. You need to roll with it.

Thanks for the criticism)
Apparently I was misunderstood) I don't demand sex, I understand that now is not the time for it. I just don't have enough love and affection, at least some, from my wife. I ask for advice on what to do about this.

What to do about this is show love and understanding to your wife and baby. And stop referring to them as the wife and the child

Now she has two babies. 🙄

My wife was previously diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression, which we treated.
Tell me please, is there a chance that this will correct itself over time?

Hi OP. This really depends on whether what your wife is currently going through is partly due to pregnancy hormones and getting past the ordeal of the birth/ C section (likely), or her underlying mental health (also likely to be having an impact to be honest).

It's very normal for the father to feel a bit like a third wheel in the early stages, just because of the demands on the mother after birth. She has a lot on her plate.

When you say you 'treated' the BPD and depression what do you mean? Is she on medication?

BPD isn't something that just goes away or corrects itself over time, it's a very complex mental illness. She is likely to suffer with it for life and will need therapy, support, and probably medication.

Having these conditions underlying will have a huge impact on what is already a very stressful time of having a newborn, so you do need to appreciate this and she may well say things that she doesn't mean.

I would recommend waiting a few more months, at least until the newborn stage is over, and try to forgive her whatever state she may be in right now - she just needs your support.

After that, review where you are and how her mental health is. That is the time to start thinking about your relationship and the way forward - not when you're in the throes of the newborn stage.

If you need support yourself, do you have friends and family to reach out to? If not, it may be worth talking to your GP or a therapist to help you navigate this stage and make sure you are looking after yourself as much as you can too - exercise, eat well, try to work in some rest time, etc. It sounds very difficult for you both at the moment.

For goodness sake, a new mum is biologically wired to give her love and full attention to her baby. It’s basic science. You need to grow up and make sure mum and baby is cared and provided for. You’ll receive love from them both soon enough