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Original poster

After the birth of a child there is no love from the wife

137 replies

alensp55 · 26/03/2025 06:53

M(45), F(30), Son (2 months)

We have been in a relationship for 3 years, married, the child was born 2 months ago, it was a cesarean section.

After the birth of the child, my wife gradually became distant and eventually told me that something had burned out inside her and she no longer wanted to hug or say kind words for me.

Yes, we had arguments before, but I didn't feel they were so critical.

We live like neighbors now. I support the whole family, help with the child, it is very hard for me without love from her.

My wife was previously diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression, which we treated.

Tell me please, is there a chance that this will correct itself over time?

What can I do now? Thanks.

OP posts:
Callmebaroness · 26/03/2025 07:14

In a loving relationship, the parents love each other through their mutual love and care of their baby. I saw the father of my children with new eyes, and he was the same about me, marvelling about the the beautiful babies we had made together.

Cognacsoft · 26/03/2025 07:16

Be patient, be supportive and don’t take your wife’s rejection personally.
She is likely overwhelmed, if you live like housemates for a while, so be it.
Be her rock, be the best father you can and enjoy your baby.
Summer is on its way, longer days, warmer weather, hopefully you and your wife may reconnect mentally. Physically let your wife take her time.

GreenSkyes · 26/03/2025 07:16

Having a baby changes you. It's only been 2 months, hormones, recovering from surgery and the responsibility will have a huge impact.
She could be suffering with some PND, but I'd say it's not unusual not to have the energy or inclination to be intimate or overly affectionate with words towards you.
You just need to support each other. She'll be exhausted, as will you if you're supporting her. Try and ignore your needs for a bit and see what she needs.
Time may change this, but it may be worth her speaking to her GP or health visitor about how she's feeling.

Original poster
alensp55 · 26/03/2025 07:18

Thanks all for good advices, i will try my best

ps i have google translate issues, dont mind anything bad please

OP posts:
MementoMountain · 26/03/2025 07:19

Frankly, mate, you will live if not looked after by your wife. The baby won't. So guess which she's going to prioritise?

You are not a baby. Your child is. Your job is to look after them, not make her life any harder, and stop whingeing.

IsItOnlyWednesday · 26/03/2025 07:20

Your wife needs to focus on your new baby and recover from major surgery (physically and mentally), you can either choose to be part of that and be a team or you can sulk because she’s not focussed on your needs and create division.

This is a particularly challenging time for her if she has BPD.

Im guessing from the tone of your posts that you also have some mental health issues (even if these haven’t been diagnosed).

napody · 26/03/2025 07:21

MementoMountain · 26/03/2025 07:19

Frankly, mate, you will live if not looked after by your wife. The baby won't. So guess which she's going to prioritise?

You are not a baby. Your child is. Your job is to look after them, not make her life any harder, and stop whingeing.

This. 'Ask not what your wife can do for you, but....'

Original poster
alensp55 · 26/03/2025 07:22

IsItOnlyWednesday · 26/03/2025 07:20

Your wife needs to focus on your new baby and recover from major surgery (physically and mentally), you can either choose to be part of that and be a team or you can sulk because she’s not focussed on your needs and create division.

This is a particularly challenging time for her if she has BPD.

Im guessing from the tone of your posts that you also have some mental health issues (even if these haven’t been diagnosed).

Thanks for sharing your wisdom

OP posts:
butterflycr · 26/03/2025 07:22

alensp55 · 26/03/2025 07:18

Thanks all for good advices, i will try my best

ps i have google translate issues, dont mind anything bad please

People are very harsh on forums.

It's obvious from your post that English isn't your first language. Just ignore those who are being unpleasant about your wording.

I would really recommend you reach out for some support in real life, be that GP, therapy, family or friends to speak to.

Also remember that this stage won't last forever, and now is not the time to be making any big decisions about the future. It's hard for you. Good luck.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/03/2025 07:23

As you mention she has a history of depression I’d be concerned about potential postpartum depression, she is more likely to suffer due to her history.

As an aside though, and as someone who has got an 11 month old so was in the newborn trenches not so long ago:

  • It is HARD being a new mum, she might just have absolutely nothing left to give at the end of the day. Everything she has to give goes to the baby, it has to be that way, and it’s just a season.
  • The fact you thinking of it as you “helping” with the baby is a problem. You’re not helping her with the baby, that is also your baby, you’re taking care of your own child and you don’t get a medal for that. Change your mindset there.
  • 2 months is honestly no time at all, newborns are beautiful and amazing but they are also exhausting, the hormone drop from birth, the “fuck is this my life now” especially after a first baby, it can be brutal. It is just a season and that will pass.
DaisyChain505 · 26/03/2025 07:23

She has just been through one, if not the most major thing a woman can do which is grow and have a child. Her body has been pushed to its limits, her hormones are all over the place, she’s extremely tired and now has a new human depending on her. Her whole life, body and mind has changed. Give her time to adjust and settle and be patient. She’s obviously struggling.

Communicate with her daily, ask what you can do to help in any way.

Be proactive in the house. You have both just had a child, not just her. You need to be pulling your weight with looking after the baby and the house.

Remind her how proud you are of her and what she’s been through and that you’re a team.

Time will make things easier.

Mydustymonstera · 26/03/2025 07:24

Ah, you are using Google translate! That explains some of the odd / unusual wording

the previous posters are right though. Your wife’s focus and love is on the baby just now. Yours should be as well and on supporting her.
the practical advice from someone above is spot on. Clean the house, make dinner, change some nappies overnight and bring her drinks, show that you are valuing her, all these things will bring you closer together.
if you are really worried about her mood talk with her and encourage her to see her GP

Teaandtoastserveddaily · 26/03/2025 07:25

SCWS · 26/03/2025 07:00

Why do posters keep picking on his wording?

You wouldn’t do this to a woman asking advice.

Show quote history

The wording is really relevant and if any poster wrote like this I imagine it would be picked up on!

Sofiewoo · 26/03/2025 07:25

alensp55 · 26/03/2025 07:09

Thanks for the criticism)
Apparently I was misunderstood) I don't demand sex, I understand that now is not the time for it. I just don't have enough love and affection, at least some, from my wife. I ask for advice on what to do about this.

Your wife spends 24 hours a day pandering to the needs of the newborn baby she has just had, she doesn’t have the time to pander to you too.
Fuck me I would be divorcing if my Dh was on the internet whinging about how I wasn’t showing him enough love while I was in the throws of postpartum and caring for a newborn night and day.

SmurfKingdom · 26/03/2025 07:27

What a massive fucking baby. (The op, not “the child”, obvs) 🙄

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 26/03/2025 07:28

Teaandtoastserveddaily · 26/03/2025 07:25

The wording is really relevant and if any poster wrote like this I imagine it would be picked up on!

Show quote history

Did you read the update? He’s using Google translate!

RedToothBrush · 26/03/2025 07:29

alensp55 · 26/03/2025 07:09

Thanks for the criticism)
Apparently I was misunderstood) I don't demand sex, I understand that now is not the time for it. I just don't have enough love and affection, at least some, from my wife. I ask for advice on what to do about this.

"My wife has just had a baby and I'm not getting any attention and it's not fair what do I do"

Still not sounding better.

She's behaving normally for her situation. You are behaving in a selfish and needy way.

Baby comes first. Mum will be exhausted. This is what happens.

What do you do? Grow up and support her and let things settle.

SallyWD · 26/03/2025 07:29

Give it time. It's very normal to feel like tgis when you've just given birth. She's recovering from surgery, her hormones are all over the place, she's sleep deprived and her life has changed for ever.
The first year or so of motherhood is a blur for me. We just got through each day and didn't feel like a couple again until the children were older.

Dolphinnoises · 26/03/2025 07:29

This is someone writing in a second language. Pointing out his grammar mistakes is unnecessarily unpleasant

Thegreyestate · 26/03/2025 07:31

2 months is absolutely no time to recover physically and mentally from a baby.

Maybe come back if it's like this at 12 months, but for now give your wife some slack/flexibility and don't expect things to be the same for a while. Look after her.

OchreRaven · 26/03/2025 07:32

The most attractive thing a man can be is a good father. Focus on bonding with your baby. Show genuine interest and take the initiative to help.

Her hormones are all over the place but the effort you put in now will be remembered in the future. But don’t do it just for her. This is also for your relationship with your child. The love and affection you will receive from your child will surpass anything your wife could give you. However for men especially, the bond is not always instant and something you have to foster as a father.

It is normal for all her emotional and physical energy to be going towards her baby and this should slowly improve but it can take a while. If she seems to be struggling even with you helping, I would suggest making a GP appointment.

Treesindeserts · 26/03/2025 07:34

Tell me please, is there a chance that this will correct itself over time?

No. It won’t ’correct itself’. What happens in your relationship depends on how you act now.

If you see your job now as supporting your wife and caring for your child, if you predict her needs and meet them, if you show her you understand what she is going through, she will love you for this and your relationship will grow in strength.

If, on the other hand, you as an adult decide to become an additional demand on her time, attention and affection, you will make yourself a child in her eyes, which will kill her desire and love for you, and cause her to resent you. Over time, that resentment will turn to contempt.

Sassybooklover · 26/03/2025 07:35

Your wife, who has mental health issues has gone through a C-section, which in itself is a major operation. She is likely still recovering from the operation, has hormones that are all over the place, and is exhausted with the baby being only 2 months old. Her priority is now your child, not you. You both chose to have a baby, and this is the reality of life with a very young baby, who requires constant attention. You need to help her as much as possible with the baby, around the home and make sure she has some time for herself. Having a baby, particularly a newborn is hard work, especially if she's also breastfeeding, as this saps her energy. It would also be a good idea for your wife to be monitored by a Doctor for signs of post-natal depression, considering her history of mental health issues. You need to be aware that she may not feel like sex for several months, so if this post is more to do with the fact after 2 months post C-section your wife isn't interested in sex, then you need to accept it won't be happening yet. Her body has been through a lot, and it will be the last thing on her mind right now.

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 26/03/2025 07:40

As others have said, be patient. Hormones mean your baby is the only thing she can think about - this is normal because when humans were living in caves we had to do everything to make sure our infants survived. Do you have family and friends that can help to support the two of you? Are you asking her “can I have a kiss?” If not, why not? Show her lots of affection and she will come round in time.

TwistedWonder · 26/03/2025 07:43

Oh dear - my wife has just grown a human inside her and her life is currently dedicated to keeping this tiny person alive so I’m not getting enough attention right now and it’s no longer all about meeeeeeeeeee