After the birth of a child there is no love from the wife

[alensp55]

M(45), F(30), Son (2 months)

We have been in a relationship for 3 years, married, the child was born 2 months ago, it was a cesarean section.

After the birth of the child, my wife gradually became distant and eventually told me that something had burned out inside her and she no longer wanted to hug or say kind words for me.

Yes, we had arguments before, but I didn't feel they were so critical.

We live like neighbors now. I support the whole family, help with the child, it is very hard for me without love from her.

My wife was previously diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression, which we treated.

Tell me please, is there a chance that this will correct itself over time?

What can I do now? Thanks.

You help with 'the child'?!! You mean YOUR son or daughter? What a fucking hero 🙄 It's not 'helping', it's called being a parent, it's what you signed up for.

Fucking hell man 🤦🏻‍♀️

"I don't demand sex"
Give that man a medal

I’m really hoping this is rage bait and not a real man.

let’s assume you are real though and your poor wife and suffering. She just had major abdominal surgery and any other time would be expected to focus on her recovery. Instead she is spending every second of her life, including in her sleep, focusing on her newborn child. Think of the first 3 months as the 4th trimester and you might begin to understand a tiny sliver of her current experience.

she has no mental energy for herself. Of course she has no mental energy for you. Your job is to take care of her. Bring her water and pre-cut up food. Do her laundry. Wash every dish. Clean the house. Hold the baby while she takes a shower. Change every nappy you can. Take away every other bit of work and stress you can find so that she can have a bit of relief.

you feel stressed by lack of affection. Your wife is going through the most transformative process and stressful time of her entire life. Stop acting like you have less maturity than your newborn child.

this is a season of your marriage. It will pass. If you support your wife, it will strengthen your relationship. If you act like a whiny brat, it may destroy your marriage.

My recommendation would be that you:

• Support your wife to consider post natal depression and speak to her midwife about how she is feeling
• That you work out what roughly 50% of the work of caring for the baby - day and night - looks like and you make sure that you are taking on that. Check in with her regularly if you're doing 50% and adjust accordingly.
• That you do all of the housework for the next 2 months - your wife is recovering from major surgery - and then 50% of the housework after that. Check in with her regularly whether she thinks you're doing 50% and readjust accordingly.
• That you do some reading about what foods support recovery from surgery and that you cook her something healthy and nutritious every night, making an extra portion for her lunch the following day
• That you make sure that your wife has a break out of the house, away from the baby a couple of times a week. Encourage spending time outside, spending time with friends and family, taking a book to a cafe and resting etc.
• That you do that really consistently for at least a year, without trying to talk to her about your relationship too intensely, and see where you are.

A huge proportion of relationships break down over the inequality in workload after the birth of children - this will make a massive massive difference to the longevity of your marriage.

If this is genuine and not a reverse, then I’ll keep it simple.
your wife has grown a whole human being inside her for 9 months. She is now nurturing that child. It takes EVERYTHING at the beginning. There is nothing left. This is normal. Focus on your child and your wife’s needs not your own. She has given herself body and soul to the bringing into the world a human. It takes time to get back some semblance of what you had. Certainly not just a few months.

the more you GIVE and the less you expect now, the faster she will regain her sense of self and have the emotional and physical energy to give to you.

Op from the perspective of a woman I'll share this.
Thoughts of having a baby v the reality of a new baby are very different. Your wife has just had major surgery, is wrangling with BPD and possibly PND. I think by listening to how she feels and supporting her with any medical appointments would be a good starting point.
When you become a mum for the first time the transition from doing as you please to broken sleep having a helpless baby completely dependent on you is scary and can take its toll, sometimes women are too hard on themselves, we will try and maintain the same level of tidyness of the home keep up with chores whilst meeting the demands of a newborn whilst our bodies are still healing . Only one person suffers the woman.
This is the time husband and wife need to be a team. Too often I read a man feels he has helped out by doing some housework or babysat his own child. NO you have looked after your child as you should.
Your wife's emotions will be all over the place right now , be a team , take your baby out for an hour or 2, run her a bath so she feels like she can just unwind for a bit , maybe cook something nice whilst she's in the bath.
It is great that you are supporting the family financially but again that is what being a team is about, your wife may feel more vulnerable due to this as well I know I did as I have always been Financially independent and the only way I was contributing was by staying home and keeping the house running.
She may feel isolated having a baby is a massive culture shock as I previously mentioned. I think if you show as much support as you can. Do your share of the parenting and show some thoughtful acts for your wife she may well feel more appreciated and supported and the dynamic will change.
But that doesn't mean you stop either. Compromise, compassion and care goes a long way in a relationship. I hope everything works out

Becoming a father and how you treat your wife and child is a testing time and does separate the wheat from the chaff.

I came home from the hospital after a CS section to an overflowing laundry basket and not so ‘D’H claiming a fictitious back injury that meant he couldn’t lift our 5kg son. So of course he had done no housework, not prepared the nursery and was unable to cook or otherwise take care of me or our baby because he had to take care of himself. The baby just wanted me so there was nothing he could do - I should give up BF if I wanted more help.

Months later he would only bath the baby if I prepared the bath and then cleared up afterwards.

He did everything in his power to make sure I never got a break. If I didn’t run the bath he deliberately made it too cold or too hot. Which was my fault. I could never trust our child to be safe in his care.

Worse of all I had midwives and health visitors telling me how hard it was for fathers!

Obviously he is now an ex and son is no contact because he was and will always be a crap husband and father (to put it mildly).

But I didn’t really get how awful he was until he actively chose not to step up but to focus on his own needs and use my temporary vulnerability to criticise and control.

Hopefully this is not you and you have not left it too late to make amends.

If you call your 2m baby "the child", nothing else needs to be said......

This. Try growing a whole human inside you for 9 months, and then be sliced open, and then have “the child” solely dependent on you and have no sleep at all, and see how jolly you feel then.

Really