After the birth of a child there is no love from the wife

[alensp55]

M(45), F(30), Son (2 months)

We have been in a relationship for 3 years, married, the child was born 2 months ago, it was a cesarean section.

After the birth of the child, my wife gradually became distant and eventually told me that something had burned out inside her and she no longer wanted to hug or say kind words for me.

Yes, we had arguments before, but I didn't feel they were so critical.

We live like neighbors now. I support the whole family, help with the child, it is very hard for me without love from her.

My wife was previously diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression, which we treated.

Tell me please, is there a chance that this will correct itself over time?

What can I do now? Thanks.

It's obvious why people have responded why they have. Because, in addition to coming across as seriously ignorant of what his wife is experiencing, he does so using language that comes across as rude and condescending. Now, maybe he didn't intend this and there's a perfectly explanation for the way he writes, but once you get people's hackles up an angry response often becomes fairly automatic.

There are men who speak English as their first language who talk about women and babies like this, don't forget. And they aren't the nice ones.

You are not the centre of the universe.

It's only been two months. Give the woman a break and stop being so needy.

Your poor wife, give her a break.

Thank you for this. My baby turned 2 months yesterday...I'm mid "fuck this is my life now"...as amazing as it is, it's so fucking hard.

I'd imagine even before being plugged into Google translate the original text was similarly toned.

He says he's using Google translate.

You sound like a dreadfully ignorant misogynist.

you have no idea what it takes for a woman to carry, give birth to and raise a child. No idea.

all of her time and emotional energy is for her child and should be. You come LAST.

THE CHILD is just as much YOUR CHILD as it is hers. You don’t HELP; it’s your job to raise the child and support your wife. Pull your finger out.

you seriously need an education about what women have to go through and how life in this world is so incredibly different to yours.

you need to seriously examine what beliefs and expectations you have for being a husband and father.

i feel sorry for your wife and child.

@pimplebum you are completely incorrect about BPD. What used to be called "borderline personality disorder" (no longer called that) is not rare at all and all (adult) psychiatrists will have seen a great many of them. It is not a mental illness like schizophrenia or depression, but a mental disorder. Treatment can be difficult though, and has varying results.

This lady may well need extra mental health support at this time, preferably from perinatal mental health services, unless she is already under services. Even if she doesn't, I would share the general consensus that her husband needs to rapidly shift his focus from what he wants to what she needs.

It's the nit-pickers day out this morning it seems!

Were you expecting a prize for 'helping' with your own child?

Some of the responses on here are so unkind. What a load of bitches you all are. He's not saying he's going to ditch her because he's not getting enough attention, he's struggling with a situation he hasn't encountered before. And you are picking at his choice of words? This place is the pits sometimes.

She won’t have any energy left whatsoever at the moment. When babies are young it’s an extremely hard time, but also an extremely SHORT time, in the scheme of things (even though it feels like an eternity). Don’t jump to any rash conclusions.

The absolute best thing you can do is give your wife and baby all the love and practical support you can these next few months, change nappies, take the baby from her when she needs a break, rock the baby to sleep at night, give her a lay-in on the weekend, do half the night feeds if bottle fed, bring her drinks and the TV remote if breastfeeding, and don’t expect much in return, and in a few months things will start getting back to normal.

If you try and demand she put your needs first, when she and the baby needed you most, she will remember it.

You don't 'help with the child', it is your son who is your responsibility to look after. You shouldn't think it as helping your wife when you do anything for your baby. You parent. You feed the baby, change nappies and wake up to night. And don't expect to be thanked for doing the bare minimum.

I'm not surprised your wife doesn't see you as a partner anymore if you are not acting or thinking like one.

She could well be suffering from post partum depression or anxiety but even if she wasn't your behaviour would be enough to put many women off. You giving her a long break, looking after the baby, cleaning the house and getting food is probably the best way to increase the chances that an exhausted new mom will want to give you any physical affection. Most moms feel touched out after spending all day looking after a baby and physically tired for doing the heavy lifting when it comes to childcare and housework. They just want to be left alone when the baby sleeps, not to attend to yet another person's physical needs.

How about YOU give her a lot of love, affection, time, a lot of doing stuff around the house and with the baby (who btw, is yours), and just be there when she needs you the most. This is really not about you right now.

You sound very cold and lacking in empathy. The way you refer to "the child" as if they are something that just happened to you rather than your own flesh and blood is telling.

Your wife would feel more affectionate to you if you showed her lots of affection and practical help too as she is still recovering from something many women feel to be a traumatic event. It's not really about you at the moment.

This post is not going to go well for you. You need to grow up. I wouldn't want to give you love or affection either.

As always, let's just jump down the OP's throat because he's a man.

Let's completely ignore the fact that:

A. he's asking for help
B. he's helping, not sitting on his arse, doing nothing
C. his wife has diagnosed depression and BPD

Buying her chocolates and flowers isn't going to help her (probable) PND.

@alensp55 you need to get her medical help. Speak to your Health Visitor or GP.

A c/section is major abdominal surgery, I've had two so I know what I'm talking about. If she went through any labour stages first it will be a much longer recovery. She's probably still bleeding (took about 3-4 months for mine to stop first time around) as well.
She has mental health issues on top of having just given birth in a difficult way and you don't say if she is breastfeeding or not, but that's another 'challenge' for many women (and if she couldn't she could be feeling guilty about that as well).
At lest you're not expecting sex so that's one good thing, but you do need to just give her some time for everything to settle. Watch out for PND as well if she's had mental health issues in the past.

It was blindingly obvious from the initial post that English is not the OP's first language, I don't know why people are jumping on the slightly awkward phrasing...

Your wife has grown a baby inside her body, and had her abdomen cut open. 2 months ago.

She's exhausted, her body is trying to heal, she's looking after a baby which probably keeps her up half the night, and I expect at the most she's getting 4 hours of continuous sleep at a time. If she's lucky.

If she's breastfeeding, her nipples are sore. If she's bottlefeeding, she'll be making up bottles as well. Again, she's exhausted. Her body hurts. If she's a first time mum she'll be worried she's doing things right, as we all do.

Mate, she does not feel like hugging you. Get a grip, and help her as much as you can. It's not about you.

2 months postpartum is a very short space of time. She's likely touched out from breast feeding etc so giving you affection may be too much right now. She's physically recovering, and hormones are all the place right now. Do you know anything about post partum recovery? If not look it up so you can understand what's going on.

You need to be patient and manage your expectations here. If you start arguing about it or be in a bad mood about it you will only destroy your relationship. Let your wife recover. It will get better in time as long as you don't pressure her now. If you do, that's all she'll remember when she's on the other side of her post partum recovery

I think this is a classic example of how the impact, physically, emotionally and psychologically, pregnancy and birth has on a woman.

Her body has been through a lot with a pregnancy, the effect of those hormones, then a major surgery and then everything that comes with having a newborn.

Any other surgery as intense as a caesarean would come with weeks off work for bedrest but women are expected to be up and back to normal when it’s ‘just a birth’ - it’s quite ridiculous!

In terms of what you can do, just accept that things have changed, hopefully with support, it won’t always be this way but you have to give her time. Be there for her, support her as much as you can and especially given her previous mental health issues, don’t put pressure on her to do anything other than recover. If you feel it would be well received, encourage her to speak to someone about how she’s feeling.

Most of all remember that women’s bodies are hard wired to put their baby first, quite frankly, she just doesn’t have the time or the headspace for anything else right now, you can help by doing whatever you can to help with this without making it about you.

Tell your wife that she should ltb x

Oh for god's sake.

OP has said it's not sex he is missing, it's affection
He has said that his DW has told him she no longer wants to say kind words to him
He has explained that some of the 'cold' language is down to google translate
This probably explains his clumsy explanation of 'we treated' her BPD

There are plenty of selfish men out there - and he may well be one - but they are allowed to ask questions. Stop piling on like a bunch of dicks.

OP - giving you the benefit of the doubt - your wife will be saying all sorts of things. She is no doubt sleep deprived, in discomfort (if not actual pain) and she has had her world turned upside down. This is the biggest change/impact on her life ever, and she already struggles with her mental health. Your expectation of her to be focussing on you is unrealistic and a bit childish. This is the time to quietly but unwaveringly prove your worth by supporting her in every way you can. Sharing the load with your newborn - doing night feeds if she is not exclusively breast feeding, nappies, cleaning, cooking but above all, letting her rest and giving her kind words and space to breathe.

If your relationship has always been strong, you will find your way back, but it is way too soon to expect anything to feel 'normal' yet.

I can’t help but be in awe of the confidence of men, fathers, who come to Mumsnet and write a post like this. It’s amazing the lack of awareness beyond their own needs.

@alensp55 Your wife is likely barely holding her mind together, after having 7 layers of her body opened to birth your kid. While healing from that, she also navigating a complete hormone upheaval, while keeping your child alive on little to no sleep. She does not have the mindspace to ‘say nice things for you’

You are not the centre of the universe.

I daren’t ask how hands on you are with The Child.