After the birth of a child there is no love from the wife

[alensp55]

M(45), F(30), Son (2 months)

We have been in a relationship for 3 years, married, the child was born 2 months ago, it was a cesarean section.

After the birth of the child, my wife gradually became distant and eventually told me that something had burned out inside her and she no longer wanted to hug or say kind words for me.

Yes, we had arguments before, but I didn't feel they were so critical.

We live like neighbors now. I support the whole family, help with the child, it is very hard for me without love from her.

My wife was previously diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression, which we treated.

Tell me please, is there a chance that this will correct itself over time?

What can I do now? Thanks.

Are you asking her “can I have a kiss?” If not, why not? Show her lots of affection and she will come round in time

Bloody hell. If my H had gone around asking for kisses when I was chronically sleep deprived, hardly coping, breasts engorged and leaking, permanently covered in baby throw up, a nervous new mum with an unsettled frequently screaming baby, I’d have hated him.

This is a time to show your affection by supporting your baby and wife. It is not a time to demand attention or ‘affection’ from your wife.

I wouldn’t be asking for kisses, I think you become ‘touched out’ sometimes.

It’s a cliche but show her how much you love her by doing housework, bring her drinks and food, nurture her and tell her that she’s doing a great job. Don’t add another thing to the list of demands she has on her.

Its been 8 weeks!

Grow up and accept that for now her emotional and physical priority are her child, then herself.

Any half decent man would be facilitating this, not moaning about it.

My husband used to make me a packed lunch every morning before he went to work and left it in the fridge for me. Trying to find time to even eat can be difficult with a newborn so knowing I could go to the fridge and just pull out my packed lunch, sandwiches all made, and crisps, fruits and yogurts all inside the bag too just made life so much easier. No effort at all needed on my part.

When he came home from work he’d take the baby and then start making dinner whilst I went and had a nap for an hour.

After we’d eaten dinner he’d take over baby duties for a while so I could shower, and then I would go and start the baby’s bathtime/bedtime routine whilst he washed up and tidied the kitchen. He’d also put a load of washing in the machine and then hang it out on the airers before he went to bed.

It’s little things like that that will keep you in your wife’s favour, not asking for kissing and waiting for things to ‘correct themselves’.

Show her kindness and do everything you can to make her life easier.

All you people complaining about his use of 'the child' to talk about his new baby.

Something tells me English may not be the OP's first language. Take a beat before you lay into someone asking for help please. He's not complaining he's getting no sex. He's worried his wife is having MH problems to the point that she feels emotionless. He may be expressing it clumsily but that isn't the most important thing to take from this.

Please show your wife love and support and ask her how to support her and baby's care. If you can do this all will be well. If you're concerned about mental health, support her to see a healthcare professional 😊

A c section is major abdominal surgery with the same risks and recovery. Add the hormonal upheaval she has gone through I wouldn't be up for any intimacy

This made me feel teary! What a beautiful Husband you have!
OP, do this. And what pp said of telling your wife what a great job she is doing. Notice what she is doing and praise it.

For a woman, it’s often after having children that you realise the type of man you have really married.

This is your sink or swim marriage moment OP!

@alensp55 men need to know that unless they fully support their wives in looking after a new baby, wife is not going to have anything left to give to them.

This might be a time of adjustment to you, but it will be magnitudes more difficult for your wife. Recovering from pregnancy, birth, a major operation, all whilst getting to grips with everything it takes to sustain a newborn. And with the most painful trauma response (aka BPD).

Your need for affection (sex?) needs to take a back seat for now. Maybe try asking your wife what she needs from you? That might be a starting point.

Get a grip.

She's just been touched 24/7 from the inside bu your baby, then had a surgery that cuts and tears through all thr layers in your abdomen, is constantly being touched and having to hold your baby, she's tired, she has poor mental health, and on top of it you're placing demands because you feel like she's not doing enough to make you feel special.

You're not special right now. She is.

And you're probably not doing enough to make her feel special.

@alensp55 Sorry you have received such harsh criticism by posters who have not read your posts where you say you are using Google translate.
Your wife is still recovering and getting used to a new routine with your new baby. Her hormones will dictate that her baby is her priority, that's natural.
The best thing you can do now is support her as much as possible. As she has a mental health condition please encourage her to see her Doctor as having a new baby is putting new demands on her mentally and physically. Be patient and look after her, don't put any extra demands on her now. Just be there for her and your little one.

The 1920s by the sound of him.

@alensp55 a few points to consider...

2 months ago your wife went through major abdominal surgery and gave birth to a baby. That alone takes time to recover from, before even starting to consider the psychological impact. It's normal for it to take time to recover from that.

If you and she feel her mental health has got worse, she can contact her health visitor and GP. Lots of women experience post-natal mental health difficulties, including anxiety and depression. If people have had difficulties with trauma, depression, etc in the past, they can be at more risk of this. Help is available for her and for you.

Do you think you're struggling emotionally? It sounds like you might be, in which case, look for support for yourself. Find dad communities, local dad and baby groups, reach out to your friends and family, and speak to your GP if you feel your mental state isn't good.

Having a child can make or break a relationship, and how the father acts and how much he does solely determines this. I remember realising about two months in why people get divorced once having kids. Have a ponder about how supportive you've been. Also it probably takes at least 3 months to get over the shock of childbirth, and everything else that comes with it.

My foster daughter has borderline person disorder which has not been called that for years !
it is acquired through years ( childhood) and early adulthood if unrelating abuse and trauma

” we treated it “ - you most definitely absolutely did not

it is diagnosed v v rarely most psychiatrists will not see many if any in their careers
it is better to think of the diagnosis along the lines of schizophrenia rather than a bout of depression

it takes a lifetime if therapy and helpful life choices to LiVE WITH this condition , having a baby is going to be a trigger and you may not be the cure

Love language changes after a baby

before it was taking time with cinnilingus , presents, romantic surprises, meals out etc

now it’s giving her a long lie in , time away from baby , food prep shopping , empty dishwasher , hiring a cleaner , doing all the life admin for that month. But doing all this without expecting lots of praise and a medal

This is YOUR chance to step up and be a real man. One who loves and protects your wife and baby. If you shower then with love then she will recover faster and your life together will be happier.

You need to get a grip. Your poor wife gave birth 8 weeks ago. She is adjusting to motherhood, breastfeeding, how her postpartum body is looking.. she might even still be bleeding.. and you’re the one feeling sorry for themselves?

In time, things settle and you do find time for each other again but tbh, if this is how you are acting, there might not be anything left to save. Start taking care of your wife and baby and grow up. Bring her cups of tea, run her a bath, let her grab early nights.. show her love and understanding whilst she recovers instead of a man child throwing the dummy out because he’s not getting enough attention.

Babies are very loving and affectionate , they love to be cuddled and talked to. I suggest you spend more time with your baby, wearing them in a sling while you do the housework will give you lots of cuddles.

If you don’t actually mean “ love and attention “ and you mean sex, then sort yourself out. This is what married people have been doing for tens of thousands of years when their spouse is unwell or away from home .

Your situation is not special. How do you think all these tens of thousands of Ukrainian women in the Uk cope while their husbands are back in Ukraine fighting for their country ? If they can cope for years apart then you can manage without sex for a few months while your wife is recovering from giving birth to YOUR BABY.

Apparently I was misunderstood) I don't demand sex, I understand that now is not the time for it. I just don't have enough love and affection, at least some, from my wife. I ask for advice on what to do about this

This is not unusual, and particularly (but not only) if breastfeeding. Having a baby/young kids on you all the time and their inherent neediness can make you completely touched out and emotionally spent. There is literally nothing left in the glass to give anyone else, including your partner. I found this lasted until kids were more independent, moving from toddlers to young kids who didn’t need to live glued to you and so high needs in general.

Your wife had major surgery 8 weeks ago to give birth to your child and this is your focus?
8 weeks ago. 8.

You are being incredibly selfish here.

You just had a baby

Life changes.

The early days are a blur.

You should not be focusing on getting attention. You should be focusing on giving it.

Now is not the time to complain you aren't getting cuddles.

Also you talk about gradually like this has been going on for years. It's eight bloody weeks!

You should be supporting your wife with everything she needs.

Are you doing the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning the laundry?
Are you bathing your baby, changing your baby's nappies?
Are you giving bottles, getting up in the night?

Or at least doing a significant share?

Your wife will be exhausted. Major surgery, rampant hormones, disrupted sleep and the pressure of keeping a baby alive is huge.