After the birth of a child there is no love from the wife

[alensp55]

M(45), F(30), Son (2 months)

We have been in a relationship for 3 years, married, the child was born 2 months ago, it was a cesarean section.

After the birth of the child, my wife gradually became distant and eventually told me that something had burned out inside her and she no longer wanted to hug or say kind words for me.

Yes, we had arguments before, but I didn't feel they were so critical.

We live like neighbors now. I support the whole family, help with the child, it is very hard for me without love from her.

My wife was previously diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression, which we treated.

Tell me please, is there a chance that this will correct itself over time?

What can I do now? Thanks.

BPD isn't a rash you treat and it's suddenly all better. It's a life long mental health condition that needs constant support, monitoring and treatment.

What professional mental health support is your wife getting? If none then you ro she needs to speak to her GP/midwife immediately.

She is being open with you about how she's feeling - she's had major surgery? a massive rush of hormones, everyone is tired.

Love and affection looks different at different times, and after the birth of a baby is one of those times.

You can shower love and affection on your baby, they will accept it without limit!!

I agree with so many posters here. OP, you guys are in the early days now. Your wife has all the rollercoaster of dealing with early days of parenthood....plus dealing with/recovering from a large operation (the C-section)....not to mention her BPD may be giving her problems. You need to give her time, and make sure that you take up the reins at home and ensure that she also has rest, recovery and some of the mental load taken off her. Is she on her own during the day? Does she have friends/family nearby that she can see/talk to? Is she getting support with managing her BPD/depression? Are you getting help too, if you need it?

I can't speak for others and I'm very fortunate that I never needed to have a CS (and have never had MH illness), but what helped me at those early times of parenthood was knowing that someone had my back, that I had someone that would do things around the house, take the baby so that I could rest/shower etc (without me having to ask them etc). @NorthernGirl1981 got it to a tee. Having someone who would just get on and do things, without making a song and dance of it, without any expectations, but just doing it makes a massive difference. To me, it shows love more than a bunch of flowers, a meal out or sex.

My eldest kid was an easy baby and things weren't so hard at that point with him, even though I was a solo parent with him. I never forget the family and friends who would come over and take my son so that I could get some sleep or a shower, or the ones who came with a cooked meal, or helped me with housework or laundry. Or the ones who could come and visit me for an evening so that they could catch up with me and help me stay part of a friendship group (even though I couldn't go out and socialise like before).

My youngest was unwell (and therefore very unsettled), and didn't sleep properly etc for months (at least, not until medication and so on helped things). I was married at that point but XH was one month post a massive RTA so I was looking after him, a newborn, a primary school aged son and trying to run the house etc. It was bloody hard. How I didn't completely crack, I don't know.

Is it her first baby? The first year with a new child is often difficult on relationships.
Also 2 months after a c section is not a lot of time at all. They are quite traumatic in themselves. And recovery is a long process.
Then you have all the normal hormones and feelings that come along with just having a baby.
The exhaustion and lack of sleep .
The extra stress and anxiety a baby brings. You worry about every little thing to do with your baby . Are they OK is this normal is that normal .
It's very hard to then have to act exactly the same to other adults.
You need to understand and expect ! That things for a while atleast will be different.
And this is your moment to put aside what you need and focus on your child and the woman who just went through a hell of a lot to bring that child into the world.
I pretty much hated my dh after our first child. He was spoilt and selfish and quite frankly we nearly split up . He didn't do nearly enough to help with our child. He wanted attention all the time without even trying to see how I was or what I needed .
But he was also early 20s and you are 45 . So I would hope you would know better.

Ok, well you sound like you had a rough time. I’d have been ok with it. Sorry that was such an offensive suggestion to you.

Language issues aside, it is deeply concerning that it is hard for you to 'help' with your child without recieving affection from your wife. This is YOUR child, they are not a job or a chore for which you should receive payment in kind from your wife. I suggest therapy to resolve your deep seated mysogny and selfishness.

I'm not the only poster who thought this was such a terrible idea.

The universal advice on this thread has been to not make demands on his wife at this time.

His complaint is that his wife is not being loving or affectionate. The solution to this is not make demands for affection. Its to behave in a supportive way that makes his wife appreciate him and feel affection for him that she will be willing to show when she feels able.

I would question anyone who said the child about their newborn tbh. That's really odd.

OP sounds very self focused, like his wife and child are side-characters and not people in their own right.

For fucks sake, everybody on this thread lacks so much real world experience they can't understand when somebody is using a language which they aren't fluent in. 'the wife' and 'the child's are clearly translation issues, not all languages use possessives as English does eg 'my wife' 'my child.'

He has even said he's having Google translate issues and you're all still banging in about it, because it must be entirely the man's fault he can do no right not even when he's .... Actively seeking support to help his relationship during what is clearly a very stressful time in life.

Anybody complaining they aren't getting enough attention from their partner 8 weeks after said partner has had major abdominal surgery to give birth to their child needs a kick up the arse not tea and sympathy.

Boo fucking hoo. 8 weeks. And he's waawaaing about not getting affection from her?

I don't care if English is his 12th language. He's being selfish.

'Everybody on this thread'???

'You're all' ???

No. A minority of posters have. Other people on this thread have defended OP as English is not his first language. Most people have offered comments, some critical, but most offering helpful advice, without referencing his language.

OP uses google translate. So what's your excuse for using hyperbolic language like Everybody and All? Because it rather looks like you are pretending ALL women have responded like this to suit your misogynistic narrative that women here are anti-men.

You have a choice. It's early days yet but you're at the crossroads.

You can be her equal and her partner. Support her, give her what she needs, work at being an equal parent and don't make demands on her that she can't meet.

Or you can be a burden. An extra child without any of the cuteness. Set yourself up as another responsibility, something she "has" to do, regardless of her feelings or physical or mental state or exhaustion. Put yourself in competition with your child for her time and attention. Leave her a shell of herself with nothing, no resources at all, left for herself. No time to recharge or be her own person. Everyone else's feelings and wellbeing matter - yours, the baby's - but hers don't. Because she is the one responsible for everyone else and you've voluntarily put yourself on the same level as your child. If you do this, your child will "win" and you will witness the gradual disintegration of your relationship until there is nothing left to save.

Exactly this. It's insanely selfish and unattractive. You're a parent not another child with immediate needs.

Ah, OP first of all congratulations on your baby!

Your baby is very young and it is very tiring.

This is not the best place to post for advise (as you have learned!). I think it is very obvious from your post that English is not your first language and a lot of posters here really dislike men posting.

My advice: help your wife and support whenever you can. If you are not already doing so, help overnight, help during the day or anytime that you can take over so that your wife can sleep or go out for a while. Tidy up, wash up, make the garden look nice etc..

It does get easier and this is quite normal at this stage so try not to worry too much.

Typical mumset. Somebody says something, you don't like it, you try to prove it wrong by picking up on petty details in the language used, because you don't have a single valid argument against it.

Point still stands you wrote utter garbage. Save your breath.

So you are going to use this as an excuse for an affair? 'I don't have enough love and affection from my wife?!', are you a five year old?!

Does SHE (who has had major surgery) have enough love and affection from YOU?!

That's what I've noticed, too. OP, your wife needs a lot more time. Also, BPD lasts a lifetime, it can't be fully treated, but maintained with medication. Hormones play a massive role in hiw your wife feels now. Be very supportive towards her and your baby, it shall all be fine.

I wouldn't guess that the man (OP) has mental issues. I think he's a bit clueless and just asking for advice.

Who said anything about an affair?

All the crazy is out in force today!

The responses here are literally unhinged lol, he just wants some advice to know if a)this is normal, b) when he can expect his wife's affection and care for him in the relationship to return (which is a valid want!) and c) some reassurance that it won't be like this forever and stuff will get easier.

90 percent of posters (I'm not allowed to say all on Mumsnet because they don't understand general statements) have decided that because he's a man he doesn't deserve any kind of response beyond 'why do you talk like that?' and 'your wife should be worshipped like a martyr and you should do everything, while simultaneously having no concerns or emotional needs of your own.'

Nobody here has any idea how much op does for his wife he's already said he supports them financially, he's not talking about sex and he's done nothing to indicate he's going to have an affair. He's a bad man though because he can't use Google translate lol.

Stop moaning, man up, and support your family. It's not all about you. She had a major operation two months ago and is looking after a tiny baby, most likely on very little sleep. It's not time for you to be demanding sweet words, it's time for you to man up.

But it’s clear from the OP that English isn’t his first language? So the ‘wording’ isn’t at all relevant…

@Newmumhere40 'So you are going to use this as an excuse for an affair? 'I don't have enough love and affection from my wife?!', are you a five year old?!'

Not sure how you got to affair from that. He has sought out somewhere (the wrong place, sadly) to ask for advise on what he can do to help. If he wanted to go and get sex somewhere else, he would be busy doing just that. Not on here asking for advise. Try applying some logical thought.

Sorry, but it would have been pretty offensive to me, too! If my H had started fawning around me a few weeks after I'd given birth, saying "can I have a kiss" or something along those lines I would have deeply resented it - and probably been sorely tempted to punch him!

Good grief! Your wife has had a major operation. She might have baby blues or even post natal depression. She has a new baby to cope with. She probably feels distant from you because you’re not supporting her enough in any of these. Are you supporting her? What are you doing to help her? It’s your child too.

I don't need to read any more than the tiltle to know its the lack of sex OP will be complaining about.
Depressingly whenever men come on here to complain about their wives the majority of the time it boils down to lack of sex