Found condoms...I have had Mirena for 11 + years

[noideaoffuturenow]

So...I've had a Mirena in situ for 11+ years. Cleaning today-opened a random, unused cupboard (up v high & hard to reach) in the laundry room. Found a box..in it were a few of DH unworn Christmas jumpers, a tin of receipts and random objects inc a paper bag of 8 Skyn black packet condoms. UB 10/2026. Never ever known DH to use these even when we did use condoms. Many years ago....
Feel sick to my stomach.
What would you think?

I still vividly remember pulling washing out of the machine one morning years ago and one (wrapped) flying out. It was totally out of the blue, had come out of a Jeans pocket and turned out to be exactly what it looked like.

some very wise advice on here. There’s no easy route though this, sadly, so get some support and decide what you want to do.

I'd put them back, say nothing and periodically check if they are still there. I'd also get an STI test.

Op if you ask him he will probably lie .
You may need to do some investigating

If it was a teenager there’s no way they would be hidden anywhere but in their bedroom.

I'm sorry OP but it does look like 'affair territory'.

When I read your updates about the problems in your marriage, the fact you've talked about counselling and 'he' was supposed to sort it ( why him?) there's clearly a back story to all of this. He's away a lo with work, he' secretive etc etc.

You've underplayed (here at least) the fact you've got issues in your relationship (saying everyone does isn't always the case.)

He may not be having an affair now but maybe before or they've been bought on the off chance.

It's a bit odd because I'd assume guys who have an affair would keep condoms with them, or in their car, or wherever, but not at home.

Oh dear! I think I’d be inclined to photograph them so you know how many there are (be careful he won’t see them on on a backup cloud), then put them back and check every week to see if any have been taken. That’ll give you definitive proof if they’re being used.

If you speak to him about them, he’ll just be even more secretive if he’s up to no good. And may not tell you the truth. Better to leave his guard down while you observe what he does more closely and try to snoop in his office.

What age are your kids? Could they belong to any of them, who’ve hid them there to avoid you finding them in their room?

I'm glad I no longer have this innocence.

It’s unlikely to be the teens as that’s a lot for a school nurse to give out. If they were going to a STI clinic in secret I can’t think why they would put them up there either.

I wouldn’t ask directly. Anyone guilty always lies. I would however leave them out with a load of stuff you’ve cleared and say cheerily “look I’ve found condoms”! See what who he blames.
I would assume this will be the beginning of the end though.

Do some digging first - don't immediately disclose to him you found them.

I don't get this.

Any man having an affair would surely buy them on the day at a shop or from a machine and not store them at home.

I don’t think it necessarily means he is cheating but understand why you would want an explanation.

If you think you can go on a year long campaign of checking condoms every time he goes on work trips (likely those condoms have been around a while if they expire next year) then do that. But if it was me, with no other reasons to be suspicious, I would simply ask him. Just act curious and see what his reaction is. If you know him well enough his reaction will tell you everything. It’s hard to come up with a plausible explanation on the spot.

I would then ask to see his phone to put your mind at rest. If he is innocent he’ll want to reassure you. If he flips this around about you not trusting him then you have your answer.

They have a really long use by date (years ) so I’d do some maths before freaking out
sorry if it doesn’t add up

You've been married 20+ years and have had the coil for 11+ years so your youngest would be 13 ish. You have 3 children older than 13. How old are they is a reasonable question to ask. Just because they are hidden somewhere other than the children's bedroom doesn't mean your husband put them there.

Have you any teenagers or young adults in the house? Could they have had them in their pocket and just slipped them in there to hide them.

What are the receipts for? What were the other random objects.

Does he do anything like secret santa at work, could they be a joke?

Just tell him what you've found - why should you have to resort to behaving like a private eye in your own home. I've seen enough threads on here to know that no one who is cheating admits it straight away. He will either deny any knowledge because he genuinely doesn't know or because he's lying. Just tell him the facts - You've found condoms and you don't know why they are there and see what he says. At least that way you aren't having to tie yourself in knots getting secret sti checks and stressfully keeping an eye on everything he is doing and saying. If he is cheating wouldn't you rather know sooner rather than later?

Sorry but the advice of playing the long game and periodically checking the condoms is nuts. She's going to be losing her mind all of the time wondering and stressing out. And how is she meant to kiss and hug him and act normal when she is suspecting him of sleeping around? I think the only thing to do is confront him. And asking to see his phone is also a good idea. I'd never be with a man who refused to show me his phone and messages, definitely something to hide there

Not over 11 years

I'm not an expert, but I'm sure you don't take your own condoms along to a prostitute - they provide them.
Affair is much more likely.

Why would he not share his location with you - you’ve been together a long time? It’s not used for monitoring or spying in our household but is useful for lots of reasons including being able to track your phone/play a sound if you lose it - and can be put on airplane mode if someone wants to hide where they are.
I can understand a refusal in a new relationship but not for a long term one. Maybe IABU but that’s a bit weird to me.

The last thing you should do is ask him. Put them back and check on them frequently. In the meantime, as suggested upthread, start digging.

If you have money, get a PD onto it if you want really quick answers. Otherwise all the usual routes like checking his car, phone, devices, office, gym bag, tag in his boot. Whatever gets you through life. The gloves need to come off and the game face needs to go on.

Get an STD check too.

OP you have multiple teenagers don't you? If you're assuming affair rather than sneaky teens, your marriage is over anyway.

I’d probably start spring cleaning in that area where you found the box when he’s in the room, just to see if he try’s to stop you sorting through that box

No teenager would hide their stash of condoms in the laundry room.

Puberty and awareness of sex is starting younger these days, so depending on their ages, you do need to consider that it could be one of your DC stashing them in a daft place in a hurry.

However, before you tie yourself in knots with speculations and investigations, and worrying about an affair, or sexually active kids, book yourself in for a full sexual health checkup. Today. That is factual information you can gather which is essential to safeguard your own health.

Hopefully you're all clear, and can proceed to digging for info and observing behaviour and deciding what to do, all while avoiding any unprotected sex.

If you do need to be treated for something, then you've prioritised your own health, which is crucial; plus you have the evidence that will kickstart the conversation with DH.

I agree it’s unlikely he’s still using them, if they’re in a box with old jumpers etc.

That’s why I’d leave them and see if any go missing. To rule out they’re currently being used. It’s the only way to know for sure.

It’s possible he bought a box recently and that’s where he’s keeping them stashed, where they’re unlikely to be easily found. And, if found, appear discarded with other old unwanted things. Then, take one or two out at a time. That’s what a v secretive, cautious person would do if they’d bought a box. Though, still hard to explain away, if found, if the last time he needed condoms with OP was a decade ago and they’re within date.

It’s possible he did have sex some time ago (one off, maybe) then worried he had (or actually had) an STI and bought them to use with OP. But then no sex happened anyway. Maybe because he knew it’d be odd if he used a condom. It might not be an ongoing affair.

I’d also get an STI test OP. Again, just to rule anything out.