Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Please accept and understand you get to make choices too. It's not about what he wants. 100% do not do this without a solicitor. He will screw you over 100%.

I divorced my h after 27 years together. They are twats when you dare to leave. Don't trust him. Get therapy.

It's not going well for you at the moment is it though? Don't wait for him to decide what you do. He's not on your team any more. Get a solicitor and do everything via them, he's got used to pushing you around and it needs to stop. You just need some time to get your head around it. You'll be ok. You know he's a shit. It's not your fault, nobody's perfect. He's treated you appallingly.

He is talking a good talk and saying how much he misses spending every day with the kids, but when I offered for him to pick our little boy up from nursery to do something nice with him this evening, he turned it down.

I've told him that I am going to be away and visiting family for the easter holidays as I need space and time to breathe. He has almost too happily accepted this.

It definitely seems like he is preoccupied with somebody else...

Good for you take some time away enjoy the holidays and don't worry about this horrible man. He will regret it one day and eventually you will be happier. Hope you have a peaceful Easter break with your children

Isn’t it funny that he’s been threatening you with 50/50 but when he it comes down to it, he’s not fussed about spending time with dc, He was and is weaponising them to hurt you and create fear and panic to hide is appearing obvious infidelity. Fuck him!
You sound slightly better than your second from
last post. It will be great for you to be away from him barging in and out when he feels like it, Use this opportunity to rest and recover, let family help with dc and catch your breath, Wishing you well, look
after yourself, and take those little steps to decide how you will deal with the pos man when you get back!

Take any important documents or valuables from the house with you as he’ll likely come round while you’re away.

I will definitely make sure I take any important documents with me before we leave.

The kids last day of term today and not even a message to ask how they are. I approached him yesterday morning to ask him to send some money to contribute towards various things our daughter needs. He said he would send it 'later'. We are now onto the next day and no sign of any contribution or contact.

In case anybody is wondering...

There is someone else. No other details as of yet but he's already found another house to live in and has all but outright admitted to an affair.

He has been threatening to 'take the kids away from me'.

Any ideas about how to handle the childcare arrangements are appreciated.

I’m really sorry, OP.

I would hazard a guess that his threats are meaningless judging by the fact he’s not been busting a gut to see them when given the opportunity. He is threatening, to scare you, to make sure you’re compliant and co-operate with whatever demands he makes in the future.

It’s also highly unlikely whoever the OW is that she’d be happy moving into a FT stepmother role straight away - which is what he’d expect. WHO shags a married man with kids then goes straight to that position before even having a honeymoon period in the new place together?

If she is that keen she obviously targeted him and it’s more about gaining a family than a partner. Whether you point this out to him or not is up to you…

Oh shit.

So so sorry you're going through this pain, op.

It was textbook though.

Now, he can't take the kids away from you.

He's just trying to bully you.

Be firm. Be icy. Be steely.

See a solicitor pronto. Get things moving.

You will be so hurt, in shock etc but he is not your friend and you need to protect yourself asap and forevermore.

You will get there and you will get through this. All power to you.

my last bf just like this
i still don’t know if he actually cheated on me but he did go back to his ex the second we split them begged me for another chance I gave it him and turned out his ex was pregnant she had made his life hell for years (he’s been split from her for 5 years before me and hadn’t gone back before) this was the first time so I don’t get it if she made his life hell why sleep with her again? She threatened to keep it and I told him I couldn’t help him bring up another woman’s child given the circumstances on how the child was created.
I left and stayed away and she got rid.

the first part of our relationship was literal magic
then everything you’ve described is how he turned
ot was horrible I went from being madly in love to walking on eggshells around hik
constantly nervous and anxiety
i even started having panic attacks
he made me feel so unseen unheard ugly and not worthy
chipped at my confidence and personality that i toned myself down all the way down
i was constantly zoning out in thought
desperately doing anything to make him acknowledge me
i was literally pathetic. Ugh he ruined me and my life made me feel so worthless, was actual torture my mental health and self esteem was shot. Only after leaving him and not loving him anymore did I realise, please don’t blame yourself. You have given everything to this man and they are just never happy always someone else out there. Leave him and don’t look back, I know he’s been a big part of your life and it hurts so much but you’ve lived without him before you can do it again. Also just because you love someone doesn’t mean it’s okay to embarrass yourself, you should love yourself more then any man ever could and I know it’s so hard but do not lower yourself anymore for him then you all ready have you will spend years with shame (even though it’s not your fault) with what you let him do and what you put up with I was a strong person before him and again I am because I chose me this time and you should too!!🩶🩶

Please speak to a solicitor about this. You need to get angry and stick up for yourself. He is a worthless unfaithful twat who intends to use your children as weapons against you.

What is that link? When I click it nothing happens

Stupid man. I’m so sorry, get a solicitor and don’t listen to his arsy rubbish, he’s got to justify what he’s doing, which he can’t, plus look like a good dad whilst running off with a woman who isn’t their mother, so he can’t claim ‘father of the year’ either.
He’ll say all sorts of nasty crap now, grey rock it and him (ie don’t react to it, like he’s talking to a rock) and prioritise yours and the children’s welfare.
He knows he’s the bad guy and doesn’t like it, so he’ll say anything that attempts to stop the guilt and shame in the truth of what he has done and is doing.
OW is irrelevant, don’t compare yourself or ask why her, she’s just another low morals, selfish woman who only cares for her own wishes. She agreed to and is happy to help some feckless idiot lie to and deceive his wife to satisfy those wishes.
They deserve each other and you deserve better. Don’t ever ask yourself why you weren’t enough for him, ask yourself why he wasn’t and could never be enough for you.

Can you not go through a family member? That’s what I did

Your gut was right so what is your gut telling you now? That your crazy? No. Because your gut is always right all those times when you THOUGHT it was true.
so you know this man is bullying you and tryna shift the blame to make you feel like shit? Is that in your gut instinct because it should be

this man is not the man you married and he probably never existed
i know the word narcissist is thrown around so much but your husband is

Would the man you married be able to look you in your eyes whisky you are hurting and not do anything, or try to make this easier instead of harder?

this shit pmo so much because it angers me so bad that even us knowing that what he’s done is wrong we still blame ourselves and he is FEEDING off your insecurities especially that.

mosts narcissists know our own insecurities that we would never personally admit to and they are just thoughts and hiur too ashamed to say them out loud we’ll do you know them insecurities THEY KNOW THEM and use them as this peer control.
the thing is he’s a cunt I think we all know that but blaming you is how he looks like the better person. With his new woman it will be how he’s fought for years to save your marriage but YOU was the problem
she’ll see it all soon
i can imagine how you are feeling because my child’s dad did the same we split me best friend passed the next day he said he would be there for me because we’d gone through everything together he sneaked away and I haven’t seen him since 3 kids and a house together cars and bills he left like we was nothing

Sorry predictive text and couldn’t be bothered editing it 😅

Child arrangement order I think its called. Speak to a family law solicitor, you should get an hours free consult. Or speak to citizens advice.

See a solicitor asap.

Also get a parenting custody app for communication with STBXH. Any and all communication goes through it now, no exceptions, as they're good for keeping records of his threats and behaviour.

Don't let him bully you op. Next time he threatens to take the kids. Ignore him and just say I'll see you in court.

Sending hugs OP. I’m sorry but at least you have the confirmation you needed. It doesn’t surprise me one bit.
Take things one day at a time. Find your inner strength & fight for a deal that works for you. Hopefully you know now that he rewrote the narrative to suit him & what he said was to make him feel less guilty and not the truth of the situation.

I just wanted to send you a hug, you don't deserve this treatment, I think you're well rid. It's heartless how he's treated you, hope you go forward bigger and braver, I think the ow is welcome to him x

Sorry to hear that. I hope it gives you some closure. Hopefully you find your anger now and wipe the floor with him via a solicitor.

Exactly as @Thewookiemustgo and don’t let him bully you any further!

It's why does he do that. Hopefully, this link will work

https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

I've instructed a solicitor.
What do we think I should be requesting in terms of childcare arrangements?
In light of the abuse and things he has done in front of the children recently, I am not keen on him having what he wants (3 nights a week)
Any advice please

I feel he is wanting 3 nights so he can pay less in maintenance- he's barely asked after the kids since he left.