Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Explain to your solicitor what he’s doing/ has done and keep a log of events/ things he says/ time spent with or asking about the children.

Explain this to your solicitor. Week nights too disruptive for routine as well as your dc being under the same roof as OW.

I don't think it would be wise for you to go to a lawyer saying that you don't want the kids to stay at his on any weeknights or be under the same roof as another woman. Realistically they probably will be at his one weeknight a week at least, when he gets sorted with accommodation. If you ban weeknights he'll get all weekends possibly? That would be worse?
50/50 is the starting point for a court and I know people on here slate it, but it is really the only way that kids can easily have a proper relationship with both their parents. Not easy at all and it does require a lot of effort from both parents, no "mum does all school runs and dad picks up after tea (or vice versa)" but totally equal in terms of responsibility. Whether your ex would be able to do that is another matter.
It is hard as a mum to not see them half the time and boy do you get judged if you're the one who leaves, but it means they get proper input from both parents. And you can focus on your job (and a relationship in the future?) more on the other days.
A 50/50 pattern example is they are with you from Wednesday pm to Monday am, dad Monday pm to Wednesday am, you Wednesday pm to Friday am, dad Friday pm to Wednesday am. Then repeat. It is not ideal especially as my ex refused to do any transporting of kids, but I have made it work. The kids are OK and that is the main thing.
Perhaps when reality of 50/50 hits your ex he will not be so keen!

50/50 isn't a viable option here. Dad is a workaholic who works all hours and travels across the UK.

He can't have them 3 nights a week then can he.

I am worried that he is going to claim he can be flexible and bend over backwards to make it work temporarily to get at me

He has also told me that he is going to make out he has been the primary care giver during our relationship (despite this not being true and me working part time since the birth of our first child)

@TheWarySwan he’s really trying to bully you to get what we wants though he will not be able to sustain it. Fact is you work part time = primary care giver. Your solicitor will easily argue this. Go for what you want. Please tell your solicitor what you are telling us. Has he said any of this on text in terms of misrepresenting the situation. This man has been planning for months do you need to catch up, get your solicitor to actively engage in your case. Find your anger! You know it’s not you or anything you could have done to save your marriage so fight him through the solictor. He’s been too used to putting you down, bulling you, he’s borderline if not abusive.

Say yes to 3 nights a week and offer him Friday, Saturday, Sunday which will include pick up from school on Friday and taking back to school Monday morning.

He will be aghast as it will mean he has to parent through the weekend.

I have my first appointment with my solicitor tomorrow AM. What should I be asking them to do in terms of first steps? Should they be sending a letter to him to outline what my proposals are for his contact with the kids? Sorry for all the questions - I am overwhelmed and out of my depth.

They will go through it with you. Write down key important points you are worried or unclear about but they’ll go through the procedure and what comes next and when, try not to worry about that part. Good luck x

I would first have a good think about what arrangement would work best for you, or be the least worst option. It's hard to get your head around I know, but don't waste your solicitor time thinking things over, go to them with a few options. They can advise if you're likely to be successful.

Can you work out if you would be better off staying part time and getting maintenance/possible benefits with ex just having them 4 nights a fortnight (EOW Friday to Sunday and one weeknight a week), or working full time/getting a better job, with 50/50 and no maintenance for example. You can find maintence rates online.
If you work term time only, or could get a job like that, can you ask for all/most of the school holidays if he has 50/50 during term time.
Do you think he would pay maintenance reliably or are you best trying to be self sufficient? If he has more kids in future this could reduce your payments too.
It's no longer on you to work around his work schedule, start thinking what would put YOU in the best position. He has likely been planning this on the basis you'll continue to be meek and mild and on his side.

First step would be filing for divorce which then leads to the arrangements on kids and finances. He may well claim to be able to have them 3 nights a week, have childcare lined up, or job changes, its even possible the long hours were a cover for seeing the woman? You won't know until you start proceedings.
He doesn't just automatically get what he wants. This will probably be a bit of a shock to him so he will likely get nasty/ nastier. This means you are winning, not that there are any winners here.

I currently work 75% of the time (3 days a week). My employer do a 4 day working week so even if I were to be full time I'd still only work 4 days. I had intended to go up to 4 days when my little boy goes to school next September. I work from home flexibly and I am around to do school pick ups and drop offs each day. He works 9-5 Monday to Friday and regularly travels away with work.

It doesn't matter what you are avaliable to do or not to do. You are no longer their to facilitate him. Of course he'll want 50:50 if your doing all the pick ups and drop offs, collectting the kids from school and feeding them for him to pick them up at his convenience to have them overnight. If he wants 50:50 then he needs set days. On his set days he needs provide care if the kids are sick on school holidays etc it's his problem. If he's working away he needs to provide childcare. Don't make the mistake of letting him use you while also refusing to adequately financially support his kids.

I don't intend to facilitate his working pattern. I am just pointing out why I don't think a 50/50 shared care agreement works for our kids and is not in their best interest. Would a court agree?

@TheWarySwan going to court is always the last option and after all avenues have been exhausted in terms of negotiations between your solicitors. When you speak you your solicitor tomorrow, they will be best placed to advise.
In the meantime get a good nights sleep, eat and drink even if you have to force yourself to.

Poor you op I feel for you. Another abusive man - If you feel threatened by him call the police everything and get a crime reference number. If he has somewhere to live and has left the house you can change the locks -
Keep a record of how he treats you - keep a record of the offers you make for child care access. He is being unreasonable and is trying to bully you -
I don't know if you covered financial but if your working you may be able to get some tax credits or housing benefit if renting. Look on Entitledto.com which is the benefit website if your in the UK.
Contact women's aid too - x

I don't think 50:50 is in your kids best interest. I don't actually think he's capable of it. I think its more to spite you than anything. I absolutely wouldnt show him that the idea if it distresses you. I'd be more saying I'm glad you want to spend so much time with the kids. Although I will miss them, It will be nice to have some free time to focus on mme. Let's just work out a plan that is in the kids best interests.

The thing is you can't guess what the judge will do. There are loads of steps before court.

I think a parenting app would be useful for you.

Stop worrying about "court".

Court rarely happens and is always a last resort.

The solicitor, assuming it's an experienced family solicitor, will have seen this all before.

They will, at your instruction, commence divorce proceedings, part of which will be child arrangements.

They will walk you through all the steps.

Take a full list of facts -
Date of marriage
Dates of birth for children
Date of separation
Details of finances and assets / debts

It's very cut-and-dried and fact-driven. They have no interests in who did what and bad behaviour and hurt feelings.

Abusive behaviour is different and must be set out chapter and verse. This will affect contact arrangements.

Ignore his threats.

Keep the messages where you offer him the children and he declines. Print everything off and keep a file in date order in case you end up in court. Do not keep this in any building he can enter. (Keep at a very trusted family member or friends house - someone who would prefer to walk barefoot over manure than hand it to him).

He is not your friend. Remember that at all times.

Don’t believe a word he says. He’s a liar and the first person we lie to is ourself. He is telling himself he is a good guy and to do this you must have MADE him cheat. Nonsense - you can’t make anyone on this earth cheat if they don’t want to.

He has to show new lady that you are bad, if not he’s just another cheat. He is unlikely to want 50/50 but if he does he is unlikely to want Monday to Sunday week on / week off. He will expect you to do sick, holidays etc. so unless this new lady is picking up the slack he may not want that tie.

You need to recognise quickly that he is going to rewrite you as the bad guy- knowing he is doing this is important as it will help your self esteem. Whatever you do you are wrong so accept it. If you bend over backwards you are wrong so don’t bend over backwards.

I saw a suggestion on here once to Make yourself a bingo card. You get 25 points for each time he calls you controlling. 25 points if he messes you around on collection and then blames you. If you get Bad Mum you get 100 points and you win a cadburys cream egg. Think of other nasty names and allocate points. Get a friend (or us) to join in. Make it a game.

Love yourself like your life depends on it by Ravikant is worth reading.

Maybe they would and maybe they wouldn't. Other parents do 9-5 jobs and have childcare 8-6, so its fairly normal to combine full time work with kids. Travel is more tricky definitely.
If you're still doing all the drop offs, pickups, before / after school care and meals on his days though, that needs to be reflected in maintenance payments. If they are only sleeping at his, they are costing him nothing in childcare or food or activities, while you cover it all and get no maintenance either. If thats made clear to him he may be less keen. Good luck with the solicitor x

@TheWarySwan tell your solicitor he has left the family home yet turning up ment to be seeing the kids but using it to abuse you and bring you down. You would like a letter saying you won’t be accepting him or not eh home anymore as it’s too disruptive for the kids and they need their new routine and life to settle .
Offer every second weekend and wed night for dinner ?

If you say he works away and he would be taking the kids away from their main carer and their home to be handed to some one else to watch while he works I doubt it. It’s madness

Solicitor is drafting a letter to him to suggest that contact for now is to be one overnight in the week and EOW Sat AM to Sun PM with a view to maybe increase the weekend from Fri-Sun if the kids adapt ok. Does this sound reasonable?

He is going to go nuclear when he knows I have contacted a solicitor.

STBXH is still being financially Abusive. I've been asking him all month to clarify what he will be sending as at payday to cover bills and towards child maintenance. He gets paid on the 28th and he still hasn't told me. I reminded him on Monday and he has ignored reminders since then too. He told me to cancel my CMS application as he would make an arrangement with me privately and would make sure not to 'screw me over'. Do you agree it's unreasonable for him not to confirm the financial position for the month ahead?

I also asked him for some more money during this month as I've had to buy various bits of school uniform and I've had the kids practically 100% of the time and I'm covering the easter hols. He said he'd already sent enough so wouldn't be sending anymore.

If he's not going to be co-operative or reliable about child support payments then you have no choice other than to go through CMS. At least then you'll know where you stand and will be able to plan accordingly.