Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

I think I would just like to know the truth so I can get closure. I've been convinced by him that this is all my fault and I don't want to carry the guilt that I broke my family up. If I know there is an OW I will know that none of whst he said was true and that he is the only one to blame.

He is the one to blame. Please stop putting this all on yourself…it’s him. You know that…and I think you already know there is someone else. I knew deep down when it was happening to me. It wasn’t my fault and it isn’t yours. It’s all him - you just need to start believing that too. Big hugs as I know how painful it must be for you.

You haven't broken up your family, he has. He’s the one that’s totally changed and walked out. I think you know deep down there is an OW. I totally understand you wanting to 100% know but try not to tie yourself in knots. I have a friend who has been totally broken by the horrible things her ex has said. Don’t let your ex ruin you. He is saying these things to make himself feel less guilty but you know they are lies. Focus on how you are going to pick yourself up & make the most of things.

Sounds very very very much like my husband when he was having an affair. Cold, argumentative over anything and everything. Bringing up random faults and small things I did years ago. Rewriting history. Shut down, spent every evening alone in spare room.
It was 100% the script.

i didn’t even suspect an affair (naive!!) I was going absolutely crazy trying to work out what on earth was going on. It was like living in a drunk nightmare thought I was going crazy. Then I discovered the other women and it slotted into place a lot more

I’ve read back the full thread. Please see a solicitor. They will advise you re the children & finances. It’s is important to find out sooner rather than later,

it appears everyone who is following this thread is saying the same things but it doesn't appear that the OP is listening or taking in the sound advice. . A lawyer has been the call for many of the followers. OP this is important. It will help. In my country, there are places to get free lawyer advice when this sort of thing happens. Do you have this in your town/country? The quicker you get started with lawyer the quicker you will get closure.

I have had legal advice but I am waiting for my stbxh to advice if he wishes to go down the legal route or if he will be wanting to make a private arrangement. I've got lots of advice but I'm waiting for a move of some description. I am worried that if I go in all guns blazing with a lawyer that it won't end up going very well for me

The solicitor will have your back so far as you thinking t won’t go well for you, so don’t worry on that score.
private arrangement? What do you mean? You Definitely want o go down the legal/solicitor route, or he could potentially diddle you.

Agree with @schtompy . Having a solictor doesn’t mean you have to go nuclear on him. Mediation maybe a route via solicitor if your husband isn’t abusive and this is a good way to enter into a negotiation in a controlled and neutral environment that is safe for you. However having a solicitor means you are protected as private agreements are just that and can be broken at any time. He isn’t behaving in a ln amicable way so strongly recommend your solicitor is actively engaged in your file for the best outcome for your dc and yourself.

You can never expect truth from a liar.

I know how you feel. Experienced same from Ex years ago. He never admitted it. But the OW did after he finished with her.

My advice would be to limit his power and potential to hurt you.

Hugs.

You need to go the legal route because you need the distance and separation from him.

Christ it’s already not going well for you my love. You sound very frightened of him. You need that solicitor and a chat to Women’s Aid as well.

STOP letting him call the shots!
Christ this is so painful to read.
Get a lawyer for YOU and YOUR DC.
Your husband will screw you over in a private arrangement without a doubt.
i mean this nicely but stop pandering to this shit and do what you have to do for you and your DC.
This man is not on your side in the slightest. You need to see that and protect yourself from him. Stop waiting for him to make the decisions and make your own.

You must get a solicitor, he's got you in no man's land not sure why he's behaving like this and hoping he'll revert back to being your husband.

He has another woman in the background, discussing your marriage and how it's going to end, let that sink in, you must protect your children and yourself from him.

Drop the rope, stop communicating with him because he is bullying you, coming round using intimidation tactics and purposely trying to provoke you.
Time to grey rock and treat him as a stranger, you will get no mercy or understanding from this cunt at the moment, he thinks he is right about everything and feels justified in treating you with contempt even infront of the children.
Record his converstions when he enters the home and if he becomes abusive ring the police, the solicitor can keep him away from the home if needs be.

Take back control, don't let this abandonning wanker tell you what to do, he is just a pathetic father and husband.

What do I ask my solicitor to do?
I am so overwhelmed by everything. I'm exhausted from having the kids by myself for the past few weeks whilst trying to deal with all of this stress. I've been given anti depressants but they are making me super drowsy so all I want to do is sleep. I don't know how to cope and how to move forward.

I did not want to read and run but put down in bullet points what you’ve told us about what has happened, your husbands behaviour towards you and the outcome you wish in terms of having the children more than 50% of the time. They will do the rest. Feel better soon, sending you a hand hold x

@TheWarySwan you poor thing, you sound completely exhausted and overwhelmed and no bloody wonder!
You are doing an incredible job caring for your children and keeping going in the middle of this storm. Put the kettle on for a minute, breathe. Find ten minutes each day to just STOP and have a cuppa and breathe.
One step at a time, one hour at a time. Look no further and rest when you can.
Is there anyone you trust who can go with you to the solicitor? This happened to a very dear friend and she was poleaxed. There was a lot if rallying round by friends and family, she was in such a state that she could barely cook a meal for the kids and was all but curled up into a ball and no wonder.
A sibling went with her to the solicitor’s and helped her make a folder with financial
information in it, and a clear set of bullet points about what she wanted as the optimum outcome fit her and the children and questions to ask.
The solicitor was lovely and understood the state she was in and reassured her that no question was too silly, because nobody knows how to do this because they never thought they’d have to.
I just feel that you need practical and emotional support and there is no shame in asking for it, none at all.
You are doing brilliantly, there is no rule book for how to get through this so as long as you can cope, anything goes. Nobody knows how it will hit them or what to do when this happens, it’s nearly always out of the blue and a huge shock.
I hope you can find some real life support as well as on here.

Wookie is right, you are currently experiencing trauma, betrayal is brutal.

Have you seen a GP, what you are going through needs logging down with a doctor and on top of your hurt your husband is critisising and making accusations and insinuations of you being a poor mother, he's being very cruel on top of everything.

If you see a solicitor he will explain everything you need if divorce is the way forward, we know you feel uncertain about this but it's part of the process of laying it on the line to your husband and making him face reality if he is in some kind of affair bubble.

And don't worry at any time you can stop the process if you wish to not proceed with the divorce.

But most importantly you must look after your health, so hard to do when you have been blindsided, eat when you can, drink and sleep, one day at a time and if there is support of any kind please take it because quite frankly your h is one of those who seems hell bent on destroying you, he is awful.

Take care, keep posting for support, many of us have experienced the same, we know how exhausting, confusing and painful this is, we are sending you a hand hold.

I don't actually think I can fully articulate just how much this man has damaged me.

I lay in bed this morning, feeling like I didn't want to be here anymore. The only reason and I mean the ONLY reason I wouldn't do anything silly is because my children need me.

He has made me feel worthless, disposable and like complete and utter trash.

He still persists that this is my fault and that "one day I'll realise.". I had no idea that I wasn't doing enough or that I wasn't being a good wife. I was just muddling on with family life in the best way that I could. I'm not a malicious person and I wouldn't have let him struggle if I knew it was that bad that he couldn't cope. The fact he did not give me a chance to fix this marriage is what hurts the most. I apologised, I took accountability countless times and it was never good enough. I offered to reduce my hours at work, I offered to cancel the gym, I offered to do all pick ups and drop offs. I offered him a fresh start with a whole new shake up.

He told me I was controlling in our relationship because I asked for his help sometimes with things and said I isolated him from his friends and family. In reality he didn't bother with his friends or family and has now blamed me.

I have been beaten down so much and I just can't believe it's happened as I used to be such a strong person.

I'm truly devastated and feel like I will never heal.

I would think he was having an affair. All of these were exactly the way my exH behaved (except being glued to his phone,as this was 1993 and phones weren't a thing then) when he was cheating on me.

stop apologising to him. you could have jumped through hoops daily and still it would never be good enough for a narc like him. Where is your self esteem? Get some counselling and find it. Plus SHL up ofc.

You need to stop listening to him. He has to paint you as the bad guy to justify treating you like shit, checking out of the relationship and potentially shagging around. You have to be the arsehole otherwise he'll have to accept some responsibility which he is never going to do.

I think you need to only communicate with him about the children via a parenting app like our family wizard. Shut down every thing else. You don't need to see him. You don't want to discuss your relationship. All you want to discuss is the kids and his contact with the kids. Don't have him in your space filling your head with his narrative. Protect yourself. I think you need to do therapy. He's ground you down and now you need to build yourself up. If you need antidepressants from the GP then make an appointment theres no shame in that. Fix yourself for you and your kids. You deserve to be happy and well. Have you considered doing the freedom programme? I think you've been manipulated and headfucked by him for so long you can't see the wood for the trees.

This is worth a read.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

My now ex husband acted in exactly this way- I was blamed for not doing enough, he came up with scenarios as examples of my poor behaviour, lack of effort, love etc.. problem was none of the examples were factual.
This is text book when they are wayward.. you do not need proof, a smoking gun, lipstick on his collar , your husband is displaying classic cheaters behaviour.

What you are feeling is normal- majority of women who have been cheated on will attest- at some point you will hit the wall and you will take control. Once you do that you will feel. better.
sad to say but the man you fell in love with , raised a family with.. he no longer exists.

Only advice I can give is to leave I mean who even cares if he’s cheating at this point he’s literally treating you like shit and your here on Mumsnet doing bulletpoints on it just absolutely mental😩

Damn I only looked at your posts and i am sooo sorry he has made you feel so worthless and unloved. Whether there is an OW or not he is absolute trash. whether he was ever lovely once before or not he is NOW living a life which causes you utter DESPAIR. What kind of piece of shit would do that to a stranger let alone the mother of his children. It’s hard right now but you are sooo much stronger than you feel right now. Put them kids to bed, lock the door, shower, phone on DND, meditate, right down allllll the noise in your head especially the irrational and remember that you fucking have kids that depend on you and you gotta pull those big girl pants up and start planning the next stage of your life as an phenomenal SINGLE/DOUBLE mama