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Original poster

Suspect husband of cheating

569 replies

TheWarySwan · 23/03/2025 22:04

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

  • Glued to phone
  • Avoiding me as much as possible
  • Going to bed early
  • Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
  • Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
  • He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
  • Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
  • Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Notsosure1 · 02/04/2025 08:16

Sorry OP - just read your last few posts - that’ll teach me for replying to the first few only - I’m so sorry he’s behaving like this and you have no close family support.

Are you able to get a solicitor for advice? Has he left any documentation regarding house and finances you can take a look at. There are charities you can call for advice such as Women’s Aid etc - hope you and your children are ok - awful thing to happen to you all x

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 02/04/2025 08:53

He’s gaslighting you and being emotionally abusive- keep a record of any of this and try and record him without him knowing- put a camera in your house hidden for when he comes over- this will be important later. Same for a ring door bell- send him a text/email to say that due to his aggressive behaviour you don’t want him entering the home- he can see the children at his mums. If he insists as it’s both of your houses i would suggest looking at selling and getting your own place.You need to protect yourself as it seems he is likely to try and go for more than 50/50 you’re being too nice to him, if your home is rented change the locks of you have a mortgage and he’s not on it change the locks

Secondstart1001 · 02/04/2025 09:24

Please get legal advice today .., most solicitors give you a free half hour. Also speak to women’s aid.

12345mummy · 02/04/2025 12:37

Agree with post above - keep a diary of any of these negative interactions. Just incase he does try to say you’re an unfit Mother and use these examples, you can show your documents and your side of the situation. I’m sorry he’s being so awful. Stay strong OP.

skyeisthelimit · 02/04/2025 16:04

I agree with PP, don't let him in the house. He can see the DC but by arrangement and he can take them elsewhere. You are never going to find the strength to move on while he keeps coming around, and also, he will continue to be nasty to you.

Stop engaging with him, it doesn't matter what you say , he has made his decision. He doesn't want to try and fix things.

XH had a huge list of my faults and blamed me for everything. Every single thing that I suggested how we could fix it, he came up with more and more reasons and excuses. Save your breath, don't humiliate yourself.

I know how hard it is, I have been there, but you really do need to try and take some control of the situation and that starts with not letting him in and not engaging with him. Don't respond to anything he says, just grey rock everything.

Umidontknow · 02/04/2025 17:43

TheWarySwan · 01/04/2025 22:38

Yes it's more things he thinks I haven't done enough of and that he felt he was doing more. We each had our roles when it came to looking after the kids and he feels he did more, whereas I disagree. There is more to parenting than pick ups, drop offs and bath time etc and he doesn't seem to understand that. I picked up a lot of the slack elsewhere. I offered to change things and look at where I could help more and told him I'd be willing to explore anything but he told me it was too late and he couldn't get past it.

This evening he came to see the kids and used the time in the house to look in the fridge and pass judgement. He commented on how there are a few out of date things in there (which I hadn't got around to chucking due to the circumstances) and how I didn't have any fruit in for the kids. He raised his voice and was irate about it. It felt as though he was trying to insinuate I am an unfit mother as I hadn't sorted the fridge or had chance to do another food shop. It was very intimidating. He did all of this in front of the kids. I told him to leave if he didn't have anything good to say and so he did.

If he felt like he did a lot before he will have a big shock living on his own and looking after the kids. If he goes for 50/50 make sure he has to do 50% not just have a few nice days with out the responsibility

Original poster
TheWarySwan · 02/04/2025 19:17

I'm not coping very well at all. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that won't end. I don't understand how he can be so heartless and cold. We have been together for 8 years and have been through so much together.

OP posts:
schtompy · 02/04/2025 19:31

TheWarySwan · 02/04/2025 19:17

I'm not coping very well at all. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that won't end. I don't understand how he can be so heartless and cold. We have been together for 8 years and have been through so much together.

So sorry you're going through this but believe me 8 years or 36 years, they are cold and heartless when it suits them and it's heartbreaking. I'm a year past and it still cuts like a knife .
please find a family solicitor and go to speak to them about where you stand. Then find a good counsellor if you can to offload to.

ToutesetBonne · 03/04/2025 07:30

TheWarySwan · 02/04/2025 19:17

I'm not coping very well at all. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that won't end. I don't understand how he can be so heartless and cold. We have been together for 8 years and have been through so much together.

So sorry you're going through this. Sadly almost every woman whose husband has ever cheated would say the same thing. Men turn into aliens when their testicles are involved.

Original poster
TheWarySwan · 03/04/2025 08:43

He's making demands in terms of the kids and how he wants to have them 3 overnights a week already. They are aged 2 and 5. Can he do this?

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 03/04/2025 08:47

TheWarySwan · 03/04/2025 08:43

He's making demands in terms of the kids and how he wants to have them 3 overnights a week already. They are aged 2 and 5. Can he do this?

No he can’t really as it’s disruptive.
But I have asked and advised on here at least 3 times that you contact a good family solicitor.
Please pm me if you would like me to send you some links and help you in this process as I know it’s all too much. I have been through this process so I am happy to help.

Secondstart1001 · 03/04/2025 08:53

Bottom line is he has left the marital home and it’s important for kids to have stability and routine. My kids were older when I got divorced and even then it was difficult for them with the 50/50 split in practical and emotional terms. Please do not enter into dialogue with him. He is scaring you right now so please stop engaging and follow my advice above for your own sanity. You will feel better for it x

Notsosure1 · 03/04/2025 09:33

TheWarySwan · 03/04/2025 08:43

He's making demands in terms of the kids and how he wants to have them 3 overnights a week already. They are aged 2 and 5. Can he do this?

Has he told you the days he’s having them too? Yeesh. He can demand all he likes, sounds like a massive bully and you do t have to do anything unless your instructed to by a court

Thewookiemustgo · 03/04/2025 10:00

I’m so sorry. But please stop listening or trying to make sense of the rubbish he’s spouting.
The heartless and cold face he’s showing you is to avoid guilt and make you the bad guy. That’s honestly all it is. If he listens to you being kind or conciliatory, or sees how unbearably hurt you are, he will feel the guilt and shame he deserves to feel, so the distance and contempt protect him from facing the truth about what he is doing.
It looks like (and he will probably even say) he doesn’t care and never did, but underneath it all there’s a different story about him knowingly and deliberately doing you and his children an immense wrong, but at the same time struggling to hold on to his self image as a nice family guy.
His desperate , warped logic goes like this:
“if you’re not to blame, then this is all my doing and I must be to blame. That’s an unbearable amount of guilt and shame, and I’m a nice guy, so it can’t be me, it has to be you. Of course it’s you! I’m a nice guy so it can’t be me! Of course it’s all your fault. Man, do I feel better about myself now…..”
So of course he has to be cold and indifferent to you , because remember, it has to be your fault, so if he’s nice to you it means you might think it’s not your fault. It’s also massive projection, he needs you to be cold and heartless to him to justify his leaving, but you’re not, which makes him feel worse. He’s just projecting how he wishes you would react to make him feel better, onto you.
I know how mad all that sounds but desperate guys caught cheating are pretty certifiable for a while if you ask me. Doing high stress mental gymnastics to avoid reality and your own conscience every day, guarantees you a trip to La-la land. Read Chump Lady and her take on tinfoil hats, it’s a pretty accurate assessment.
The takeaway from this lunacy is that you absolutely don’t have to and indeed shouldn’t listen to or try to analyse a word of it, because you still see him as who you thought he was and this stuff isn’t coming from that guy.
This one is like an animal caught in a trap and would bite his own leg off to get out. He’ll say anything from the hellish place he’s dumped himself in to avoid the truth about himself, no matter how loopy a history re-write or made up character assassination of you sounds. If it fits the narrative ‘him good, you bad’, then he’ll say it.
Ignore the crackpot, concentrate on yourself and your children and their welfare. You dictate what their stability and welfare looks like, he’s put a wrecking ball through it and abandoned ship, you are their stability now and are allowed to limit their exposure to his fruitcake chaos.

OchreRaven · 03/04/2025 14:45

Thewookiemustgo · 03/04/2025 10:00

I’m so sorry. But please stop listening or trying to make sense of the rubbish he’s spouting.
The heartless and cold face he’s showing you is to avoid guilt and make you the bad guy. That’s honestly all it is. If he listens to you being kind or conciliatory, or sees how unbearably hurt you are, he will feel the guilt and shame he deserves to feel, so the distance and contempt protect him from facing the truth about what he is doing.
It looks like (and he will probably even say) he doesn’t care and never did, but underneath it all there’s a different story about him knowingly and deliberately doing you and his children an immense wrong, but at the same time struggling to hold on to his self image as a nice family guy.
His desperate , warped logic goes like this:
“if you’re not to blame, then this is all my doing and I must be to blame. That’s an unbearable amount of guilt and shame, and I’m a nice guy, so it can’t be me, it has to be you. Of course it’s you! I’m a nice guy so it can’t be me! Of course it’s all your fault. Man, do I feel better about myself now…..”
So of course he has to be cold and indifferent to you , because remember, it has to be your fault, so if he’s nice to you it means you might think it’s not your fault. It’s also massive projection, he needs you to be cold and heartless to him to justify his leaving, but you’re not, which makes him feel worse. He’s just projecting how he wishes you would react to make him feel better, onto you.
I know how mad all that sounds but desperate guys caught cheating are pretty certifiable for a while if you ask me. Doing high stress mental gymnastics to avoid reality and your own conscience every day, guarantees you a trip to La-la land. Read Chump Lady and her take on tinfoil hats, it’s a pretty accurate assessment.
The takeaway from this lunacy is that you absolutely don’t have to and indeed shouldn’t listen to or try to analyse a word of it, because you still see him as who you thought he was and this stuff isn’t coming from that guy.
This one is like an animal caught in a trap and would bite his own leg off to get out. He’ll say anything from the hellish place he’s dumped himself in to avoid the truth about himself, no matter how loopy a history re-write or made up character assassination of you sounds. If it fits the narrative ‘him good, you bad’, then he’ll say it.
Ignore the crackpot, concentrate on yourself and your children and their welfare. You dictate what their stability and welfare looks like, he’s put a wrecking ball through it and abandoned ship, you are their stability now and are allowed to limit their exposure to his fruitcake chaos.

This is an interesting take and probably very true. I imagine his hostility about the kids is because he doesn’t want to think of himself as a man who abandoned his kids.

OP you need to tell him, he left his family and you are all still processing it. Your children need stability right now. You are not refusing access but it will be done on your terms and any decision you make will be what’s best for the kids in the short term. You can tell him that he can talk to your lawyer about a longer term arrangement.

Original poster
TheWarySwan · 04/04/2025 21:31

He is still making demands and being persistent. Telling me he wants at least 3 overnights a week and to sell the family home etc. I really don't want to sell the family home as it is right next to the school that my daughter attends and where our son attends. Does anyone know where I stand with this?

I really wish I knew if there was another woman involved as this would really help me to understand and be able to find closure.

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 04/04/2025 21:50

Op you need to insist he has them for the afternoon few hours to start with see how that goes, maybe dinner meal and bring them back you need to trust him with them and he's not going play silly buggers with pick up/ drop off times as this will cause upset, the children will need to feel safe and secure with this too, it massive staying over I think it's too long for them at first, slow and steady to start, family court can help with this as it's you being responsible and reasonable about the children's welfare,

As for selling the home let him take you to court, it will take years, court might say it needs to be sold but you can drag your feet, my friend took 4 yrs to sell hers, so don't worry about sale for now, let him , you make sure the visiting starts short and builds up longer if he doesn't start playing silly games with the plan, you want them to go wanting to see him and excited for the next visit, take your cue from them op

BillyBoe46 · 04/04/2025 22:00

You need to see a solicitor. Unless you can buy him out I imagine the house will need to be sold and the equity spilt. Has he got a pension, saving, investments or other marital assets?

Custody wise. I think you should try mediation (if you have evidence of abuse you can skip that bit) then apply for a child arrangement order. I reckon he's the type of prick to refuse to return the kids so it's better to have a court order in place.

Remember, if he has 50:50 he does all care on his days including pick ups, drop offs, sickness cover and holiday cover. He also pays for the extra curricular activities and childcare. His 50 % can't just be weekends. You are entitled to weekend relaxing time with the kids.

Forget about the cheating. It doesn't matter. What matters is he treated you like a wanker and you deserve bbetter. You shouldn't tolerate that behaviour.

Original poster
TheWarySwan · 06/04/2025 19:40

I'm really not coping and I am burying my head in the sand.
I can't find any closure on this situation as I don't know if what I did is what actually made him want to leave, or if there is OW involved.
I miss my husband who changed practically overnight 😥

OP posts:
ZiggaZigAh · 06/04/2025 20:01

How much digging have you done to find out if there’s an OW? If you think this would help you find closure, could you afford to hire a Private Detective? You say his car isn’t at his mums - can you follow him? Get someone to watch the kids at night? Plant a mobile phone in his car with tracking linked to your phone etc? I’m sure if you look on Reddit there will be all sorts of creative ways to find out if he cheated….

Original poster
TheWarySwan · 06/04/2025 21:20

I haven't been able to do any digging at all really as I can't get near his phone or his car. I don't think I'd be able to get close to plant something in his car.

OP posts:
NeuroSpicyCat · 06/04/2025 21:44

Hire a private detective?

Original poster
TheWarySwan · 06/04/2025 21:47

I did message one but they said it was a daily rate and because I don't know how he is operating I don't know if he'd be caught within one day. I also think it's more likely emotional cheating, mostly done via messaging and via telephone

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 06/04/2025 21:50

His behaviour is designed to mess your head up. It's not wonder you feel like you can't think straight.

Any decent man would not be acting like this.

Trying to get to "The Truth" is probably a waste of your energy which you need to conserve as you navigate this awful time.

Isthisit22 · 06/04/2025 21:51

Stop fixating on the cheating (which is definitely happening) and speak to the police about the way he is intimidating you. Get a solicitor and pursue a non molestation order so you can stop him coming into the house and shouting at you.
This will at least give you some time to think and breathe