Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Hello I didnt want to run and not respond, I have been here with the child arrangements, I had to leave due to abuse, you both have parental responsibility in effect, but obviously automatically to a mother, dont let him walk allover you out of fear I did this and it dosnt get you anywhere, the best I did was to get a solicitor and go down the route of a child arrangements order through the family court and caff cass if he can't be amenable they help with a schedule to come into agreement which he has to stick or it can be enforced, this was in 2017 when my little boy was one, but its the best advice is give anyone in the situation today.

Well on the plus side, at least you know the bleating about 50/50 was a child maintenance ploy, and can support that by his (in)actions. Sounds like he's sulking because he thought you'd 'agreed' (he'd pressured you) into not involving lawyers, and now he can't control you in a vacuum like he thought he could.

Hi OP, I applaud you for getting your shit together and taking care of your young children plus dealing with all the things hou’ve had to do while going through a heartbreaking time. You have been a rock for your children while he’s just wandered off and made everything a million times harder for you and your children.

It’s his shame that he doesn’t want to see his children right now. I hope you have started slowly healing from all the mess he’s made.

Gosh how utterly alfwul op. Did you do the Claires law? A friends ex didn't see his kids which blamed on the mum. Turns out he legally wasn't allowed any contact even in a contact centre

I’m so sorry to read this. Just remember you are doing a fantastic job with the children. He has followed the cheater handbook to a tee! Keep your head held high & get your ducks in a row. You will get through this & give your children a happy life. Once the fog has cleared you will see he has done you a favour , what a vile POS.

From here on out, you need all contact to go via your solicitor.
Keep screenshots of every single vile message/text he sends.
Save and record any vile voicemails so they don't 'expire' in your mailbox.

Make sure your legal documents and any for the children are locked up securely somewhere he can't access for now. If he has a key to your home, keep them at a parent's house, in a safe, or in a safe deposit box at your bank.

Do everything the legal route; no private agreements. Private agreements don't work with liars and cheaters; they're only in it for themselves and will screw you over at every opportunity. So a good divorce solicitor and going through CMS are essential for your protection and your children.

Sorry, OP, but your husband has already checked out of your marriage.

OP I am so sorry that you are going through this. You DC are so young and it is hard work on your own.

You are doing so well, stay strong and know that he is following the age old script. You didn't cause this and you couldn't stop this. It is all him.

Sorry.

Read all the updates

Stay strong. You're seeing what he's really like and his children are not top of his priorities

I feel sorry for your children. Your life will be immeasurably better without him but he is treating them horribly. They are lucky they have you.

I hope you submitted your CMS claim? Of course he never wanted 50/50 access, he just wants to be able to blame you for not seeing them. Like he blames you (and his first wife) for his inability to be a decent husband. Don't waste time or headspace trying to work out his motivations, you won't understand because you would never behave like this (because you're not a selfish twat).

Yes.
It amazes me that someone who has broken their marriage vows can then complain that their former partner changes their mind about a unilaterally imposed "agreement".

Sounds like your average deadbeat dad - only motivation to have 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance, no actual interest in the kids. He’s also undertaking the standard campaign of accusations of you not being a “fit parent” as a means to an end to achieve the aforementioned 50/50 childcare split.

Now he’s focusing on his new paramour he doesn’t have time to see or even ask about his children, but I’m sure he will rear his ugly head again at some point, when it suits him.

Remember, all this bullshit about the split being your fault was pure gaslighting; he wanted an out due to finding someone else to move on to and his way of achieving this was to accuse you of bad behaviour. His gaslighting will not stop here. Make notes on everything.

I mean, do these men not realise that we know what their playbook is? Us women talk, we communicate, we see this happening time and time again. Jesus, I’ve got second hand embarrassment for him it’s so cookie cutter!

I've only read your posts, @TheWarySwan . Your strength over these last months, even when you have been at your lowest ebb, shines through. You are doing remarkably well. I know you are knackered, but I am wondering if his showing no interest in your children is a blessing in some ways. He sounds evil. I agree with pp, do everything through solicitors.

Great post. Follow this OP.

What a strong woman you are. What a cunt of a man he is. My best friends husband did the same. No kids involved fortunately, but he turned on her and was so nasty. We lived next door and used to hear him shouting at her through the walls. He said he was depressed and she tried to help him so much. Nope! Screwing someone from his new job, and they’re married now and he posts on fb about how amazing his new life is and how he was so deeply unhappy before in his “previous life”. He was trying for kids with my friend and used to talk about how happy he was. Rewrote history when he got a new job and met the new woman (she was married with kids).
Point is, men are cunts (and that woman ain’t great but he’s likely spun her a line, and she is in it for his wages).

Write down everything! How he’s so disinterested in the kids, contact, no texts etc. his threats, every comment he’s made being nasty. Go full nuclear, show no emotion (to him), treat it all like a transaction and don’t show that fucker you give a shit.

Im so sorry, he’s a twat. One day you WILL be glad you’re not with him.

Sorry to read the update, how sad for your kids. You were right to go the legal route OP.

Given the stbexh is on £150-£200k salary, have you evidence of this….historical pay records, bank statements of his salary going into the household account?

If necessary get a forensic accountant to establish his earnings and do everything through legal channels so any maintenance/ childcare agreements are tied up nice and tight.

He’s not attempted to see the children for the last month so that works in your favour.

You've had to work pt to raise his two under 5’s so he owes you!!!

Given his prior history ditching an earlier son, make sure you get everything you can for your two .
Get angry!!! Protect them. The ferocity of a mother knows no bounds 💪x

Me too, it's absolutely laughable!

A good forensic accountant is worth their weight in gold for what they will quickly find hidden poorly.

Also keep mentioning, in any documents, his ditching of his first kid. Shame that fucker

Oh, love, I'm so incredibly sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds absolutely dreadful and so confusing. Having your husband tell you he's so unhappy and thinking of leaving, especially when you feel the issues could be worked on if you both made the effort, is just heartbreaking.
And for his behaviour to change so completely since then... that must be incredibly hard to understand and deal with. It's perfectly natural to feel completely lost when you don't know where you stand, particularly when the person you thought you knew so well is acting so differently.
Please know you're not alone in facing difficult times in marriage. Be gentle with yourself right now. Sending you lots of strength and a big hug

I have been following your thread @TheWarySwan and I can't believe how this man has treated you and your DC.

I just wanted to say how incredibly strong you are and you will come out the other side.

How has his family reacted to all this?

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this.

I think it's good for you, though, that he's behaving like this as he clearly can't start demanding 50:50 or having them three nights a week when he doesn't bother even asking after them.

He sounds really awful. It's so shocking how people can change - you have to wonder whether you knew the real man at all. I think his first wife would say this is how he dealt with her.

Well if he feels like you’re being controlling, then he can leave.

Dont put up with this shit and death by a thousand cuts.

Tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to go.

He’s checked out of the marriage. Let him fight for it if he wants to make it work. I’m pretty sure he won’t.

This works in your favour as proof he shouldn’t have 50/50 custody

I would stop chasing him op, apply for child support ASAP and follow the solicitors instructions.
Any communications will only be regarding the day the solicitor has instructed they can see the kids.
Trust me you will be much happier if you just keep things formal as he has proven he does not care about you.