Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

You're doing so well. What an absolutely appalling way for him to behave, especially after he threatened to take the kids off you.

You're doing so well OP, keep going one day at a time. Baby steps.
Your children are lucky to have you, you sound like a great mum and I'm so sorry he made you doubt yourself into guilt for his own transgressions.

Update: solicitor letter with contact arrangement proposals sent 17 days ago - no response received. Stbxh has not attempted to see the kids or asked how they are getting on.

Hope you are ok 🙏 I was hoping you would update. Good for you stay strong. I promise you will be the one who comes out on top. He's high on life high on new feelin6g that are infatuation not deep love he's forgotten because a new love is like a drug we all know the initial feelings don't last he's forgotten. He can't see what he's lost he will and I know he will regret it at some point it might not be now but in time maybe when he sees your happier without him and you will be eventually. Sometimes although there's more work, kids are better with one strong parent you may eventually find parenting easier once your even stronger. It will all work out stay calm responses to him should be I have a solicitor now you should have a letter please contact them. Leave it at that. Do not get into avy text arguing where he can ' make you look crazy' that's what he will try. This is going to get harder when he realises your not dealing with him and yet it will be better long term. Keep us posted on and make sure your not bothering to think about this other person focus on you and kids make sure you get some rest and time for yourself x

He’ll soon get bored with his side piece and cast her aside. Keep your head high if he tries to crawl back!
he’s a vile specimen.
I’m so sorry he’s treated you so appallingly xx

This! It's so hard but take back control.. offity fuckity! Do not take him back either, My ex left after we had a 3 month old, it was the worst & I did cry & beg but the best thing was waking up (figuratively) & saying FUCK THIS! Find your anger

Stay strong OP. Think of everything you have achieved since your first post. You have kept going for your DC, you have recognised that he is only for his own interests (his suggestion of not going down a legal route, his demands on seeing the children at short notice etc). This is in comparison to him being able to make you previously crumble and not want to be up and about. Recognising that control aspect is so key in your ability to stand up against it and you are doing well.

Having read all your updates you sound like you are doing the best you can and growing stronger. Glad you got a solicitor involved. Stay strong. He has not reacted or even engaged to see the children as per your last update.

I have went through something very similar over last 18 months, so I have want through all these emotions. Especially the tossed aside. I'm so sorry. I'm still up and down but you will get stronger just take a day at a time.

What a horrid man. I am glad you are rid of him. Glad you have a solicitor to represent you. I would ask the solicitor what is the plan for no response and let them also know that he has not attempted to see the kids so far. When he does finally get a solicitor, they will be advising him to see the kids ASAP because it will work against him not to do that.

I would try and formalise as much as you can to reduce his manipulation in the future. Write a detailed parenting plan and send it to him (there are templates online) and it gives you a chance to think about what will work for you while you have time on your side. Go through the child support agency for child support. Don’t do private - it’s just another way you’ll be manipulated. I learned the hard way!

Horrible man. I am sorry he’s done this op, but it’s not you, it’s him. All you can do now is proceed with the divorce and go through CMS. All that twaddle about him being “50/50” with the dc was just hot air and threats to intimidate you. He is a selfish loser and in the end, he will be the one who misses out. So be it. Protect your dc and your peace at all costs from this waste of space. And, in time, you will recover. Xx

You’re doing so well, OP.

I think that you need to leave, it seems that not only is he unhappy, you are also.

x^^

I think that you and your children should leave if able to, even if only for a short time. Something very wrong here, he is unhappy and you also, please,do leave.
Sincerely Deb x

Make sure he doesn’t get the easy/fun weekends with the kids and you get the miserable mom- Fri school / slog. They need to remember that mum is fun too. and not just someone who makes them do their homework and get ready for school. If it was me I’d let him have them Sunday morning - Tuesday and you have them Wednesday- Saturday so at least you get to have a fun day out on Saturday together but you get to enjoy Sunday to yourself. Or vice versa

Only just caught up on your thread. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. What an enormous shock when it seemed like a very happy family. Him blaming everything on you and re-writing history is just unforgivable and beyond unfair. And him being abusive infront of your DC.. no words. Just shows how utterly cruel and selfish he is. You're so strong keeping it all together and continuing to take care of and prioritise your DC. You can do it! 💪🏼

Op I would let him not have contact and not chase. He sounds like a controlling arse. He has messed up and is projecting his behaviour onto you. One thing I noticed is you ask on a few posts if what you suggest is reasonable. As long as it works for the children he needs to accept it they come first. In your position with zero support I would be considering moving nearer to family. He is probably trying to hurt you and make your life hard. Look at womens aid programmes for controlling relationships I think a lot will make sense for you. I was in a situation similar to yours and it was so hard in the beginning but it got better and a few years on I’m so glad I’m free of him. Good luck op.

I don’t want to upset you more than what you’re going through. At the end of the day you’ve had a discussion about his unhappiness and his needs, him wanting to leave or thinking about it.
And then he starts changing. At the moment you’re on the back foot. He’s had time to think and ruminate and in his head disassociate himself from you.
You talk about wanting to make things work that’s because you’re playing catch up.
So what are your options:
1- ask to try marriage counselling - as in you want to to stay together
2- He’s told you how he feels you change and save your marriage and all is hunky dory.
3-He is preparing you for the start of unravelling the script. And that whether he’s cheating or cheated and there is someone else - it will come out - how depends on your next actions
4- The only control you have is controlling your self and your next move.
5- Regardless he’s showing his level of feeling for you. He’s demonstrating to you that you are not worthy to be off his phone in the evening or spend the evening with you but go to the gym and be secretive.
6: you can snoop but I’d save my energy - if you believe he’s cheating what do you do?

bury your head in the sand, gather evidence, confront him.

you know him better than us but you say he’s changed suddenly - that is an indication of what the potential could be if you then up end his world and control the narrative-

I really hope I am wrong but it sounds like classic script. He’s not happy, he’s been feeling like this for a while- what’s a whole - in your mind what a few weeks months - he’s already making moves to become a different man from the man you know or maybe he was like - either way you have to decide what type of life you want - even if you work it through, it wasn’t an affair - what do you want to happen to find out where you stand!

I am really hoping it’s not what I feel it is 🥺
🥺
ok I read your update

He’s emotionally destroyed your ability to see how wonderful a mother you are and the nonsense about ferrying the kids is a red hearing.

he’s checked out and has probably painful as this sounds has met someone and this is his way of attempting to leave without being the and guy and re paint you as the bad you.

it’s the script
If you were my friend sat in my living room I’d say :
get your shit togther
ducks in a row and brace yourself
he’s going to get worse

i am so so sorry

You should be so proud of how far you have come! Don’t stray from the legal route. Take care of yourself, nurture local friendships, meeet up with other mothers to get something of a break. Your children will know who cares for them most.

Rtft guys

Well that shows you where his priorities are (and shows a judge too, which is good)
proceed with your child maintenance claim and your divorce application. He can decide to join you on the trip when he gets his act in gear but don't let his behaviour stop you from acting.

Identical to how my husband behaved.

Came in the door one night and refused to look at me or speak to me. No explanation. Started saying he didn’t like me, didn’t want to spend any time with me, hated being married to me. I had never been loving enough, giving enough. Respectful enough or appreciated him enough.
Every time I tried to talk to him he said the most vile things to me - I was selfish, weak, from a weak family, ugly, lazy.
i couldn’t get through to him at all. Complete stranger

yes he was having an affair

Oh OP, I've only just come across this thread. I read from your first post and just knew that your instincts were right.

What a pathetic cliché of a man.

You are doing so well. Look at what you're achieving and holding together day after day. You should start commentating your life to yourself - "AND TheWarySwan gets out of bed and makes breakfast for her children despite feeling like she's been run over by a truck like a CHAMPION. Look at that toast. Perfection. We rarely see this type of grit and determination on the field. You love to see it." 😁

That poor woman who has to suffer him now. I can only imagine what bullshit he's fed her, and she has all the lesson-learning ahead of her. The worst is over for you.

OP I have no words to describe how vile your stbxh is. The way he belittled you as a mother to distract from the fact he's a shit husband as well as father, that's beneath contempt.

What, checking the fridge??? And trying to make you hop to his wishes whenever the spirit moves him to want to see his kids for a change? Just vile.

And yes, he really got into your head. Scary to see how seriously you took his self-serving bullshit at first. You have come a long way since. Congratulations on getting away from this sorry excuse for a man. All the best for the upcoming negotiations.

Sending you ❤️ and 💪 @TheWarySwan .
One day at a time.
A better life awaits you. He really is vile.

This happened to me. He wasn't having an affair, but he wanted me to end it so that he didn't feel guilty. The withdrawal of affection and support left me feeling much worse than if he had been brave and just ended it.