Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

As others have said, it looks like your husband has form for building a family unit based on his wants and needs. However, as soon as it’s established, for some reason, he cannot stay loyal or committed to it. I am sure it will be the same with the ow, if they last. Hid behaviour towards his first son is shameful. Do not have any mercy on this man when it comes to negotiating via solicitors, he’s shown twice now he cannot be trusted with his family .

It seems as if he gets bored easily and just tosses people away as and when he fancies it.
You clearly can’t trust him to act fairly here because he’s already making threats and withholding money. Go down the solicitor/court routes etc and stop him from bullying you and controlling you.

Yes that is exactly how I feel. I feel tossed away like trash and replaced.

He has asked to make a plan to see the kids. I don't feel I should make any arrangements with him personally and should await his response to my proposals via the solicitor. Is this reasonable or will it be seen that I'm denying him contact?

@TheWarySwan in normal circumstances it would be unreasonable . In yours no it’s not .
He is a bully who can’t be trusted .
You have to protect yourself and protect the peace in your kids home.
Just keep replying that the solicitors will deal with it now . “Please speak to my solicitor “
Short and sweet don’t get into anything else .

Child contact and financial arrangements are two very separate things.

If you are wary of keeping legal costs down then by all means he can send you, in writing, his proposal for contact arrangements. Tell him it needs to be a fixed schedule that works for the children in their best interests and does not involve you having to facilitate (e.g. you ferrying the kids around and dancing to his tune.)

A reminder to him that all child-related logistics are his responsibility during his time, including, but not limited to, homework, after-school/weekend activities and social arrangements, feeding, provision of clean clothes/uniforms, doing their laundry (sports kits etc if he has them on those days), having all necessaries at his house (toothbrushes, basic clothing/pj provisions, etc.) and facilitating all parenting during his time.

Then see what he comes back with.

I think that's reasonable, as he's been so nasty. The less direct contact you have with him the better really. If you do it through a solicitor it's more official and he might be less likely to mess you/the kids around with last minute changes?

Does anybody know if you can find out who owns a vehicle?

Car has been parked outside of his new place several times and I think it could belong to his new side piece

@TheWarySwan I just asked my partner about this but he couldn’t find a way. Hopefully someone else comes up with an idea 💡

@TheWarySwan I don’t think you can

Your soon to be ex is a cunt.

I agree with PP - what is it about him that makes you say this?

This is a great way to describing him
without spending too much time verbalising this pos.

Well, your posts.
He sounds absolutely vile.

Why?
He has a pattern of discarding people when it suits him - he’s the most important person in his own life, puts his own needs above all others. That’s not necessarily wrong, but he can’t own it. Instead he takes absolutely no accountability and instead blames others for his incapacity to work through the boredom and mundanity of family life. He hasn’t got the emotional maturity to work through it. Instead he discards all commitment and responsibility for the next exciting thing.
That's why his first wife was boring as she adapted to life with a child, he didn’t. He thought he wanted a careeer woman, turned out it wasn’t the career women either. He’ll now be thinking it’s whatever the other woman has - younger, more confident, more time for him, richer, poorer, who knows? It’s not the women or the children in his life that are the problem- it’s him. He’s shallow, flaky and a fraud. He played at being the great dad and husband until he couldn’t keep the charade up anymore.

And because he has now discarded you, but you have financial and reputational power over him still (divorce = 💸 plus more DC he has walked away from), he’s become abusive - financially and emotionally. Attacking both your parenting competence and your work competence. Both of which are lies to serve him and the story he’s created because he can’t face up to his own reality.

He’s pathetic.

Would there be any benefit to requesting a check under Claire's law? Just noting his previous marriage breakdown due to unreasonable behaviour- I am worried that I didn't know the half of it.

Have you ever spoken to his ex? Would you feel comfortable speaking to her?

It wouldn’t hurt to do a Claire’s Law request, although be prepared that it might not give you any answers.

Was he financially abusive when you were married? Or are you reflecting on other behaviours that may have been abusive?

Would there be any implications or repercussions of requesting info through Clares Law? Or is it just for information purposes?

Emotionally and financially abusive. Also reflecting on other things which may have been abusive.

He wouldn’t find out you’d done a request, it’s, confidential.

One of the most important things you do next is to make sure that your ex learns nothing from you by way of improving his behaviour going forward.

The more people that reject him as a result of his crappy behaviour and duff personality, the better.

The higher the number of people that can see him for what he is, the less it looks like a you problem and more a him problem.

We have employed this method after binning a family member and refusing to engage with them on any level. This has gone on since 2015 and gradually other family members can see what we saw back then and understand our actions.

Had we remained in contact, it would always have looked like it was our fault. After ten years of NC, it's much clearer to onlookers where the fault lies : )

Could be that he's cheating or has cheated and is taking his guilt out on you?

How are you doing @TheWarySwan ? Hope you’re ok x

Just came across your post, @TheWarySwan, so sorry he did this to you! He is vile!
How are you keeping on? X

They are so predictable. Tell him you won’t tolerate insults and if he no longer wants the relationship he is free to leave.
You have not said but if he is prone to violence get a restraining order and go stay with a relative. Tell him nothing until you’re out the door away from him.
Violent men are most dangerous when the woman threatens to end the relationship.
Get any paperwork you need and get a good solicitor (good ones cost a lot, bad ones cost a lot more).
I wish you luck and safety and good Karma. Daisy

I'm okay. Feeling less on the edge (largely due to anti-depressants). Stbxh hasn't seen the kids for nearly a month. I'm exhausted, solo parenting has been difficult. Making sure my kids are ok and happy is what is getting me through each day.

My friend saw him today with the other woman in his car. I just can't believe he followed the cheaters script down to a tee. I can't believe how stupid I was for thinking he might have been one of the different ones and that actually I really was the problem. He is clearly prioritising his new relationship over his children and existing commitments. I cannot understand how somebody can disconnect from their children in this way.

You’re doing brilliantly. Keep going.
I hope you’re now seeing what you’re well rid of, a shallow selfish predictable cliche.
And I suspect the remorse he claimed at not having a relationship with his first child was largely performative- to make him seem less of a callous shit of a man.