Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Mine too.

I'm sorry OP.

I'm still yet to find out any details of his cheating.

I don't know who or how long. All I know is that there is somebody else.

I'm terrified he will carelessly introduce our children to this new person too quickly. My daughter is sensitive and struggles with emotional regulation. It would be extremely damaging and confusing for her.

I cannot get to grips with the fact he has destroyed our family unit, for the sake of someone he has known for a small amount of time. I wish I knew more details so I could get my head around it. I know it doesn't really matter as the marriage is over but it would make a difference to me if I understand things better.

What you need to do now OP is get busy.

Engage a solicitor to get legal advice as to your entitlements in a divorce..

Photocopy all important documents bank statements, mortgage details, birth certificates,utility contracts etc and give them to your solicitor for safe keeping.

Check all his pockets while he's out at the gym but don't reveal anything you may find.

Don't 'bite' ie don't let him draw you into arguments. It takes 2 to argue, so tell him "I'm not arguing about that" and walk away.

Open a separate bank/building society bank in your name and try and put some money into it. Don't tell anyone about this, not even your solicitor.

Try (and this is the hardest part) to carry on as normal.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP.
This is not your Fault.
He has chosen to cheat
He has chosen to walk out of your marriage
He has chosen to be emotionally and financially abusive.

I think you need to rethink how you communicate with each other. At the moment he has too much emotional control .

Claiming universal credit and CMS is sensible DONT let him pressure you into his demand to sort it between yourselves. He’s shown he can’t be trusted and is being manipulative.

I think you need to be honest with your family about how he’s treat you. You need their support - albeit at a distance.

If EX wants to see the kids he needs to be reasonable . Last minute demands are not acceptable, make sure you have an evidential paper trail. Get your Sol to put this in writing

With his hours how can he drop and pick the kids off ? Do the children go to out of school clubs ? Does he contribute?

He can't drop the children as they both start at 9 and finish at 3. My eldest goes to tea club on my working days but until half 4. My youngest is only 2 so he won't be doing wrap around care until he starts in Reception. He works 9-5 so is unavailable for both pick up and drop off. He often works additional hours too. His new house is not within close proximity of the school/nursery, 30 mins in traffic.

I work 3 days a week and have a flexible working policy in place which enables me to do all school/nursery runs. In addition, I work from home which is a 1 minute walk from the school.

You need to reach out to Women's aid and the police regarding him barging into the house and verbally abusing you in front of the children.

Your children are being emotionally abused every time he verbally abuses you.

This is very serious.
Take it seriously.
It will do huge damage to them.
Stick your key in the doors to stop him entering.
Call the police if he becomes aggressive.

You have options.
Use them to protect yourself and your children.
You are all victims of domestic abuse.

I think his talk that he is the primary carer is just swagger designed to keep you off balance.
He has chosen to move 30 minutes away from family home and his work schedule doesn’t allow for him to be primary carer.

Could you afford to buy him out of the family home OP

OP I read your original post, your husband obviously has form for leaving his children when they are very little. In all likelihood he will slowly withdraw more and more from your children too and eventually cease contact, if that’s what he’s done with his eldest son. Whilst this is very sad for your children, it’s something you need to be prepared for. I doubt he seriously wants 50:50 and is using it as a controlling mechanism.

Out of interest why did his first marriage breakdown? His handling of this might give you clues as to how he will be with you.

I can't decide. I feel as though because he left his son from a previous marriage, that he will be more driven and determined to make sure he doesn't make the same mistake twice. I feel he is ashamed of what had happened. I'm not sure he'd let it happen again.

He said he fell out of love with his previous wife after one year of marriage as she became someone he wasn't attracted to anymore. She wanted to be a stay at home mom and have babies. He likes a woman more driven and career focused. Which I am finding bizarre given that he has crucified me for concentrating on my job, and not devoting more to family life (in his eyes). It seems nobody will be good enough for him.

I don't think i can afford to buy him out of the family home currently. Maybe in the future when I return to full time work etc. There is a huge income disparity between us, he is on anywhere between £150k- £200k per year and my part time wage right now is £32k. He has been able to house himself comfortably so my solicitor thinks I could apply for a mesher order in these circumstances.

Do not hide anything from your solicitor, if you're divorcing you will have to declare all accounts in Form E, so please don't hide bank accounts.

Thanks for that info.

Could you hide cash ?

I think the way he behaved in his previous marriage shows you who he has always been. This is not a midlife crisis. He gets bored (probably cheats) then moves on and rewrites history. The fact he didn’t try to fight to see his first child tells you all you need to know about his family values. He only wants custody now because of how it will look to everyone.

Did you ever speak to his first wife about the breakdown of their relationship? Was he with her when he met you?

He sounds like someone who is never satisfied, and is unable to take accountability for his own happiness so blames others.
It is entirely reasonable, and necessary for you to expect a consistent routine of seeing the kids, particularly if he has a consistent work routine.
It’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to cover his portion of the bills in order to keep your kids with a roof over their head and within reason, the lifestyle they’re used to.
On neither of these counts has he been reasonable, and has got nasty with you. This is not someone who can own his part of his behaviour and the consequences of his actions.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he stops seeing much of his kids but blames it on you. If he does - you need to be crystal clear with yourself you have done nothing wrong or unreasonable. Not only is he at fault, but he is incapable and unwilling to recognise that so you will never be able to get him to see that. He’s also a manipulative bully so he’ll make it feel like it’s your fault. Don’t believe him.

Look to past behaviour as an indicator - of course people can change, but they need to be able to self reflect and hold themselves to account. It sounds like he can’t do that, so expect the same treatment wife & child no.1 received. Did he treat her bad financially? Did he blame her for not maintaining contact with his child?

@TheWarySwan, wow he certainly has form, got bored after 1 year with first wife, bored with you after 2 years. I’d definitely try to speak to his first wife if you can as I imagine he has fed you a pack of lies about their relationship breakdown and how much involvement he wanted with his son. He has a pattern and I suspect he’ll follow the same pattern with you and will lose interest in the children very quickly (let’s be honest, you’ve already said he’s been all talk and very little action when it comes to actually seeing the children). You need to get as much money as you possibly can out of him and fast.

Nope. You don’t want to lower yourself to his level. Best being upfront and honest. The solicitor and/or judges would not look kindly on deceit.

So how does a woman who has no assets of her own even start divorce proceedings?

Every person I know of who wanted to get divorced (even me) had to put down a deposit with the solicitor.

If a woman is suffering financial abuse how can she escape?

She talks to her solicitor

Which costs money that she doesn't have......

so offer a law abiding solution instead of trying to argue.

He’s clearly not interested anymore. Rip the plaster off and tell him you’re done and he needs to leave, tomorrow.
Take back control. See a solicitor who will advise finances and don’t look back.

???? This fictitious woman isn't arguing, she hasn't even got as far as the solicitors office, never mind arguing about a divorce setttlement !

I'm talking about you.
The op has instructed a solicitor.
please read posts before commenting

It was a reasonable hypothetical question. If you don't know the answer that's fine.
If the OP has instructed a solicitor there is no further discussion to be had.

No, it was unnecessary.