Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Why would he go nuclear? If you are splitting up you need a solicitor.
Stop listening to him.
He is not your friend. Put in your CMS claim.

Because he had previously suggested he'd like to sort everything out between ourselves. I would have been willing to do this but he has proven time and time again that he is not to be trusted so has left me with no choice.

Please put in Cms claim. Get it registered as then they can take action if he is non compliant. They are far from good but sadly all we have in the UK. It is not his decision but yours. He can then supply salary details and pay 12% gross.

I do think his demands child wise are an attempt to reduce any financial.liability. You have made offers he has not taken up. He has left yet wants to abuse, bully and control you. So awful for you. Please try to reduce your own contact with him.

He is trying to control you. Don’t let him. He’ll never be reasonable, as long as you kowtow to him. Put the CMS claim in, but don’t tell him just yet. That way if he gives you want you need, all good. And if he doesn’t, well, just proves why you had to do it, doesn’t it! And you can justifiably tell him that!

Of course “he wants “ to sort out between yourselves that way he can push you around walk all over you and get his own way. .
Not a chance . When he flips tell him to deal with it .
Maintenance claim in today .

This cannot happen as he’s emotionally and financially abusive. The CMS is the only way, he doesn’t want this as he won’t be in control of the maintenance as he obviously wants to give you the bare minimum. He liked to have the control of you asking for money. Can’t you see this? He’s only going to go nuclear as he wants to control this whole process and you. If you are scared of him if he comes around, cal the police.
I like what your solictor has put on the table, it’s reasonable and fair and jt allows flexibility but also time for the children to adjust.

Repeat - he is not your friend.

The thing is though it's not for him to decide for you both. Of course it would suit him to just tell you what you can have, leaving you at his whim. You are no longer a unit though as he has chosen to leave. You absolutely need a solicitor, CMS claim etc. Tell him CMS was your lawyer's idea if you have to. I think your idea for contact is good and will give you some certainty until things can get arranged permanently. (If he cooperates)
Have you put a benefits claim in, applied for council tax single person reduction etc?

In terms of permanent contact, I wouldn't want it to be much more than the initial proposal. It would not be in their best interests for a multitude of reasons.

If the contact arrangements work well for everybody, would the courts look to keep the status quo?

I have applied for UC but I am yet to apply for council tax reduction. UC outcome not until 5th May so I won't know what I'll be entitled to until then.

My ex didn't want to use solicitors. It cost me a fortune but I'd have a lot less without. Solicitor all the way. Decent men want the mother of their kids to have enough to bring up their children... Men who don't want their ex to have decent settlement are scum. It's not for him to decide anyway. It's equally yours and a judge will decide.

Men like this inadequate shitheap, who rewrite history, cheat and then go out of their way to be cruel to the innocent woman, are utter, utter scum.

Why do they do this? How can they stomach the cruelty? Is it ease their conscience? So convince themselves the woman is at fault and so they had not choice but to shag someone else? So pathetic.

Don't cancel you CM application. Its better to go through them otherwise you'll have to ask him every month. He likes to play games with you so best not to give him the opportunity.

Have you checked if you are entitled to UC? You can claim even if your still living in the same house.

As others have rightly said, he is NOT your friend, he DOESN’T have your or your children’s interests on his list of priorities, his new life is his focus.
Sadly, this is very common- take the legal route, and do not make any informal arrangements as they will only be to his/ their benefit and to the detriment of you and your children.

I genuinely thought we were forever. We were the happiest of families. We did so many family days out and lovely holidays. We went on a family holiday as recently as November and we were planning another trip for the Easter holidays.

I look at the photos from our recent holiday and you can't fake those smiles. This other woman and the complete shift in his behaviour is an incredibly recent thing and I cannot get my head around how he has been willing to throw everything we had away, just like that.

I'm angry and I've accepted that the marriage is over but I am also still very deeply hurt and in shock. I honestly don't know how to feel ok about everything.

I never wanted this for our beautiful children. They deserve so much more than this.

It's amazing what men can do when they are thinking of themselves. I would have put my life on my husband not cheating. He did. Kept it quiet for 15 months and they only slept together the month before he told me. Apparently after the sex he had on three separate meeting occasions he knew it was wrong. He only told me as her husband was sending me a message.

I was in shock for five years. Then two more years of feeling like we were going to be okay. Then he said something and we are now divorced. Thank God.

Take all the time you need @TheWarySwan . While you might get over him quickly the shock and processing will take time. Give it to yourself.

What a horrible toad your ex is. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself or suck you in to this false narrative he’s created about you being at fault to make himself feel better. Sadly it sounds like he’s going to continue to be an ass so I wouldn’t feel guilty about contacting a solicitor. I’d also try and find an app or email you can use for all communication to go through and block him on your phone and I’d continue with your proposal for contact and stop him from having contact with the kids in your home. You need to protect yourself now and that means he doesn’t get unlimited access to you and opportunities to be abusive. Be prepared though that he might have less interest in seeing the children when the opportunity to be an asshole to you at the same time is removed. What support have you got? Have you told friends and family what’s happening? Can you seek some kind of therapy?

It’s so sad reading your last update… your whole life has been turned upside down in a matter of months. You sound so subdued as you are in shock right now. The enormity of all this is sinking in and must be unbelievable at times when you look at the pictures and your memories. Some things cannot be explained and this is one of them :(

It's amazing how different men can become when they are just thinking with their knob. You may not feel it right now but you already sound more put together in you posts. You will come out the other side and life will get so much better

@TheWarySwan men in affairs are pretty much unrecognisable compared to how they were before. It’s like they’ve been possessed, trashing perfectly good lives which they now describe as unhappy traps, and disparaging good women who love them and rewriting a happy history to justify their mad, selfish choices. He will seem like an alien to you now. Don’t bother trying to understand it because no decent person can understand such illogical, cruel claptrap that you’d never inflict on anybody yourself.
Don’t question your past, don’t let him get into your head and try to tell you that the happy family life you had was fake. It wasn’t. It was real and he was happy.
He can’t stand to think he’s done this due to his own selfish choices, he needs to have a reason to stop him feeling (quite rightly) guilty and ashamed of himself. He can’t stand the pain of the truth that he’s the bad guy, the guilt of what he’s doing to you and his children, so he concocts a pile of crap to justify the unjustifiable.
As illogical as it sounds, he was happy, you were always enough. He couldn’t say ‘no’ when he needed to, weaknesses and flaws in his character allowed him to decide to give in to temptation and cheat. You didn’t cause that, your happy family life didn’t cause that, he did by his weak choices. All his own work with no help from anyone else.
Of course you are hurt and in deep shock, and you can’t expect to feel ok about any of it yet, nowhere near.
Go to Surviving Infidelity and Affair Recovery, it’s not all about staying together, they are all about healing from betrayal with or without your spouse.
Read Michelle Mays’ book “The Betrayal Bind”. She’s absolutely brilliant at this stuff and explains why you feel the way you feel and how to heal from betrayal, based on attachment theory. I found her incredibly useful and read her stuff now from a pure interest level. She’s spot on.
Your past was real, don’t let this taint it or his false claims about his unhappy he was make you question it. Why he did this is all his responsibility and decision and you’ll never get to the bottom of that, and without introspection and/ or therapy he’ll never fathom it either. Far easier to blame you and play the victim, he’d rather avoid truth and run away than face it.
Affairs are pure selfishness and cowardice.

He's just re writing history, he has to, his memories are presently being pushed aside whilst in his affair bubble,
Some come out of it and some are totally convinced that a new life awaits, his continuing to control you and the situation speaks to me of a man that would like to keep you in limbo and on a back burner, but there's no going back when you find out your man has joined a chorus of useless dickhead men.

You must view him colder than he views you.

The situation is so volotile at the moment with such hightened emotions that both of you have not cut cords yet.
He still thinks he can boss you about and dictate financial terms and time allocating child access.

NO !

You must view him as a perfect stranger, would you allow a stranger to come to your home and intimidate and provoke you, would you allow someone to dictate when and how you look after your children, would you break down after a brow beating from a stranger, would you allow someone to physically hurt you, you wouldn't you would keep them away and call the police in you felt in anyway scared or frightened.
I know you cannot believe he is behaving this way but this is his problem, his demons, his cruelty, his pathetic betrayal of his wife and children that is making him change, he is disgusted with himself, although he will and cannot admit it.

Hold your head up high and rufuse to aknowledge him as a human, pretend you never met him and he is a nobody, a nothing, not worthy of your conversation, he's pathetic but he's trying to put on a show, don't fall for it. Don't listen to his bullshit, he cannott tell you what to do anymore, you are now in charge.

One day he may realise what an utter bastard he has been, maybe he won't but don't give him the satifaction of reacting to this ameba of a man, your children deserve so much more than him, protect them and protect yourself, you and your children are worth so much more than him, you'll see.

This is exactly how my ex started to treat me
Gaslighting,distant and moaning at every little thing
Turns put there was another woman
She was my best friend

Take the support of wiser mumsnetters than me
Do not be me and do the pick me dance-it won't work
Years down the line,you'll wonder what the hell you saw in him

It's aa hard journey but I promise you'll get through this

@TheWarySwan Im sorry this is happening to you ❤️

Agree with PPs - rewriting history is all part of the cheater’s script. Google cognitive dissonance - it’s how people justify making choices that are in conflict.

Your H knows he’s done wrong - he knows your marriage was not the problem - HE is. But his psyche doesn’t want to admit that so he’s talking down the marriage to make leaving more “comfortable” to him.

So there is a psychological basis to what he’s doing. But yeah, he’s still a knob.

Just remember- this too will pass. You won’t feel like this forever. Nothing stays the same, even when we want it to. The chances of the new “relationship” working out are very low - some people will say that’s karma but IMO it’s in some ways worse if it doesn’t work out because it means it’s all been for nothing. I’d bet a kidney that he’ll come crawling back at some point which will be torturous if (when?) it does happen.

Take care ❤️💐

Thanks everyone for the really helpful responses.

I am slowly but surely starting to regain my self respect and realise that I wasn't the problem.

He's sent me a message today to tell me what he will be sending to me at payday. Given the income disparity between us, I am genuinely shocked at how tight he is being. Looks like I'm going to need to go down the legal route. I can't afford to cover everything.

I can't believe that he doesn't even want to adequately provide for his children after everything.

I can well believe it WarySwan, men tend to make such bad decisions when fleeing from a marriage, they have no foresight, it's just a conceited cash grab to win, the children are often not thought about in their desire to 'win'.

The fact is you can usually hear the advice of others, maybe friends who have been through the divorce mill or even the ow voicing her own opinions of how the finances should be divied up. As a pp said these second relationships very often fail and men are left with an ex and children that end up detesting them for previous malicious behaviour, this time will come when he faces up to the fact he's been a poor father, he will be privately disgusted with himself.

If only they could see beyond their dick and understand that in 10/20/30/40 years time the ones who should inherit their money is their children, and anything an ex wife has will most likely be passed on to thier own offspring.
I've known so many men who refuse to marry the ow for that very reason, that they wish to keep finances separate for the children to inherit. Still they seem unable to view or imagine the future.

But at the moment all he can see is that you are the enemy and will be preventing him splashing the cash on his new life.

It looks like your ex will learn the hard way, take as much proffesional help as you can to keep as much for your children because he's not thinking straight and is currently anihilating his childrens's chances of thriving.

In other words he's an idiot, so don't let this fool fleece you, it is imperitive that you do the best for the children, be strong and be sensible.

He sounds delightful. If you've got any access to joint savings/ accounts, I would be taking what's in them, in lieu of what he owes you. And obviously keep records of everything.
The longer this goes on, the worse his behaviour gets and the more you'll realise it SO wasn't you at fault here.