Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

He has messaged today during the first day of our break away to say "I will be seeing the kids when you are back so don't make any plans."

Is this reasonable? I feel so intimidated and threatened.

That's not reasonable. Has he received the contact arrangements proposal yet?

If you want to reply, suggest something in line with your proposed one overnight in the week and EOW Sat AM to Sun PM. The children have plans with clubs and friends (and if they don't, make sure they do). Give him a couple of time slots to choose from but make sure 50% of those slots is existing plans.

Basically make sure he spends a weekend at soft play and strangers' birthday parties 😉

It’s not reasonable that if you are feeling intimidated.

The way he’s saying it is like you are his employee.

The wording of “ Make sure” is a threat.

Do not respond to him. Let your solictor do it. Ignore him for now, put him on mute and enjoy your break away!

His tone isn’t reasonable but I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he wants to see his kids after you’ve been away with them.
I know you don’t have a set arrangement yet but it is good for kids to spend time with their Dad’s unless they are at risk of harm.

I am happy for the children to spend time with their Dad but I don't appreciate his threatening tone and the fact that it is non negotiable in his eyes. We do actually have plans with the children's friends at the weekend. I feel there are ways and means of asking and he has gone about it in the wrong way.

I do feel they are at risk of emotional harm as he said in front of our 5 year old daughter last Sunday that he is going to "take the kids away from you" to me. This caused a lot of emotional distress to her, she cried for hours afterwards and has been anxious about it ever since.

I hope you’re documenting all of this Op?

Yes so I have a log which i started in early March when I started to realise what was going on wasn't normal.

Does this constitute emotional harm to our child? It is really difficult trying to find the line between allowing contact and protecting our children's emotional wellbeing. He's not physically harming anybody but he is causing emotional distress and confusion.

It’s definitely emotionally harmful for him to say that in front of a child. It also shows he is willing to allow your child to experience worry and uncertainty in his desire to wound you and that he can’t prioritise his children’s needs over his own. It’s very important you record all this and i’d recommend telling the school about the separation, if you haven’t already, mentioning that your ex is making inappropriate comments, and asking them to check if your child needs extra support. This will also be beneficial if things go to court as you’ll have a paper trail for concerns. When considering what to record or share you might find this image of the wheel on this page helpful moving forwards.

www.dvact.org/post/the-post-separation-abuse-wheel

@TheWarySwan i would honestly reply and say I am the children’s main carer you and I are over I will not be dictated too .
It can be discussed when I am home please don’t message me again while I am on my break.
(silence his messages untill a more appropriate time of the day then read them)

Or do you show your hand and add on that that it will be sorted via your solicitor?

I would personally be informing your solicitor of what is happening, log every conversation, informing him that from now on, you will be communicating everything to your solicitor, including he can have the children from an agreed time one day at the weekend, and one evening after school in the week. However this weekend is already taken with pre planned friends play dates. Arrange the day and times for the next weekend/week night. Archive his messages.

It sounds like he's feeling the pressure, which is good. How dare he take that tone with you. Agree with others to mute his messages and keep records of everything.

What makes you think he is feeling the pressure @tartanboots?
I have muted his messages and I haven't gone back to him about the weekend. I just know he will message again before Friday.

Go down the legal route with everything @TheWarySwan

do not consider the alternative for one second. You now know what he is. Use that to get what you are legally entitled to. You can't negotiate with this man, he is not your friend and clearly not of your DC either.

Set up an email address so you have a record of everything and do not communicate but by that method.

This will be a storm so board up the windows and stay safe inside.

It's because he seems to be behaving worse than ever, in my experience that means reality is starting to bite.

He's de-humanising you Wary Swan.

This takes away his pain, remorse, regret, guilt, obligations and responsibilities.

You pointing out his vile behaviour and tone will make him double down on you, he's not going to show you sympathy or mercy.

He's a bad un.

Poor you OP. All these lazy bastards who suddenly want the children if parting with money is the alternative.

Hi @TheWarySwan just wanted to show my support for you and to reassure you none of this is your fault whatsoever.

My son's dad started an affair when I was 8 months pregnant and I found out 3 weeks after my son was born. I was lucky because my ex's parents are just so lovely and looked after my son so I could keep working at weekends when nursery was closed (ex stayed in their house and locked himself in his room, didn't see our son for around 2.5 years).

When I was pregnant I just knew he was cheating, but he gaslit me to the point where I genuinely thought I had mental health problems and thought I'd completely lost it.

Men like that will treat you with utter hatred to convince themselves they are not the one to blame, to rewrite history and to create a different narrative in their own head.

Whatever contact he's requesting will likely be an attempt to intimidate you or to reduce potential maintenance payments.

I have had so much advice from MN and I couldn't be more grateful. At the end of the day you will come through this so much stronger than you ever imagined. You are and will be the constant for you children. What lies ahead will be tough but it will be worth it. You sound so lovely and rest assured your children are so lucky to have you. Wishing you peace xx

Hi OP, just read your posts.

I would definitely advise to keep everything legal and on paper. This person shows ZERO intention of actually negotiating with you and every intention to bully and manipulate you into what he wants to keep you under his control. Do not give him a chance to do this.

everything through a solicitor and court agreed. He won’t like it but he won’t be able to control you this way.

The solicitor letter with my propsals is being emailed to him tomorrow morning. What do we expect him to do? Will I get a tirade of abuse sent to me? I'm really intimidated and scared about what the repercussions will be.

I am so sad. I never in a million years thought this would ever happen. We were such a good family unit. I have never felt loneliness like this. I feel like it is all such a huge waste.

I’m so sorry you feel this way OP.

just remember, pride, integrity and respect are forever. FEELINGS come and go like the wind.

you WILL heal and get past this ending and betrayal. Absolutely.

do not be scared and intimidated by him. You have a solicitor on your side to do all of the negotiating and assert what you want.

stay strong and don’t lean into his requests or get drawn into the drama.

stick to facts and any communication with him leave it factual and about the kids .

I am so sorry @TheWarySwan It’s a lot to deal with on your own. Do you have anyone who can come stay with you for a few days? Remember that any angry messages or behaviour will just be ammunition for you in the divorce.

I know it’s scary but screenshot messages and if he shows up at the house tell him that he doesn’t live there anymore and you don’t feel safe with him. Record any conversations and don’t hesitate to contact the police if he is being abusive.

He has used your fear against you to get the upper hand. However in reality you have the upper hand when he is being abusive. Get proof of his actions and he won’t be able to bully you anymore.

When you get the reply, take a few minutes to centre yourself, make a cuppa, sit down to read it when you have some space to process.

There will be times when correspondence will freak you out and that's natural. Try to remember that words on a page can't harm you, take time to think and process, ask for advice if you need to before you respond.

I had a couple of proper hand grenades when I was going through my divorce, but when I stepped back and took a breath, I realised they were really not awful in the scheme of things. Some times these things are worded to frighten you or provoke a reaction so it's really important to take time to frame things clearly.

He could very well be nice as pie, to get you off guard and try to get you to play nice again/ be a doormat, don't be taken in by that if it happens, but it's probably more likely he'll be mean.

Yeah mine told me I was being abusive by demanding to know details of his affair (when really I already knew and just wanted him to admit it) and then getting angry and shouting at him when he gaslit me about it over and over. He now tells anyone who will listen that he was in an abusive relationship with me 🙄

He's rewriting your history in an attempt to justify what he's doing to you. The arrogant rat.

Is there a friend or colleague you can confide in that can be with you for an actual hand hold? It’s sounds like you really need this as you are starting to sound petrified of him.
I think personally he will not contact you in a threanting manner but will go straight to a solicitor, if he has at least half a brain cell. He will no you mean business now and that he isn’t calling the shots anymore.
However, if he does turn up at the house, tries to enter without permission or does anything of a threatening nature, you call 999 . Block any messages if he does contact you or let him message you and keep them as evidence of his intimidation of you.

Don’t live in fear of the monster he’s become.