Not exclusive.

[Onestepatatime18]

Can someone please explain the following. I'm totally perplexed by a conversation I had with my sister last night. She told me in the past my niece in her 20s was 'dating' I assumed she had a boyfriend. Apparently not as later she said she was seeing someone,so again I assumed she had a boyfriend. I asked her how they were getting on. She replied as far as I know they're not boyfriend & girlfriend. He's a lovely guy but they're not exclusive. In my day that was called two timing each other. If I went on a date the guy was my boyfriend & I was his girlfriend until we decided if the relationship was working.We would never dream of sleeping with others while we were
'going out' together. There was none of this seeing more than one person at a time. The whole thing sounds so random. I believe there are people who are in their late 20s & even 30s who still speak like this. I'm just happy it wasn't the way when I was dating someone because I hate the concept.

I think because of the Internet and the accessibility of dating apps and other such sites, some people have a more fluid attitude to relationships and commitment. People seem less invested.

It’s not for me but it’s definitely not just younger people - I know people in their 50’s who aren’t exclusive.

OLD has definitely changed the landscape and not for the better. I’m nearly 60 and lost count of the men I’ve spoken to who are only looking for something casual or FWB

I'd be telling them where to get off
(no pun intended) Keep your standards high & the right partner will respect you all the more for it.

Hence I’ve been single several years and no longer bothering to date because I’m not interested in a casual shag

But suits some people. My friend has 3 FWB that she sees as and when and that works for her.

Sad days indeed. A 'fluid' attitude to relationships is just another way of saying playing the field & sleeping around.

I think women should be able to do what they want. They can have high standards and not want to date one person exclusively or be in a relationship. They may enjoy the fun of dating without wanting to be tied down. As long as both parties know the score, what is the problem with two consenting adults doing this. I wish I had done more of this in my youth.

Its not for you OP, but I’m sure there are a lot of things that aren’t for you.

There is nothing more satisfying than great sex within a loving & 'exclusive' relationship especially within a marriage both people are happy to be in. As you say though it's up to the individuals concerned & it's just an opinion.

Luckily for me I have experienced great sex in a loving and exclusive relationship and great sex not being in one!

I find it fascinating there are people who enjoy great sex outwith a committed relationship. It would be a massive turn off for me but I honestly don't judge people. It just happens to be the way I feel & hence my thread.

Not judging 😂😂 this thread is one massive judge

I'm ethically non monogamous and having great sex with multiple partners (safely) and having a whale of a time. We are all honest with each other.

You only need to look at the threads on here to see how having an exclusive partner fucks you up, they cheat and lie and sleep around anyway 🤷

I think you are disingenuous here. You very much judge the people who think/feel different. And you certainly judge your niece.

There is no one way to enjoy sex. There is no one way of thinking of dating and relationships. For you - it is to consider yourself gf/bf after having had sex. And thinking that commit and marriage is the ultimate goal of any sexual interaction.

But people are different. And even more so - they may be different in different stages of their lives.

I can see how someone in her 20s may be focused on her studies and career, and not want to be committed to someone. Not being exclusive, does not necessarily means having some sort of wild sexual encounters with multiple people, that you imply or imagine.

Personally - I can enjoy sex in a relationship/with feelings, and casually. Those are different sensations and experiences, but both potentially really good - say like liking sushi, but also pizza.

People are different.

Incidentally - just had a conversation about it with a 50yo friend. She is divorced for a few years. Dating, both for fun and to hopefully meet a new long-term partner.

Seeing a new man. After the first time they had sex - he said he wanted her to be his GF, be exclusive. And she said - no.

She is not ready for commitment and labels so quickly. Doesn’t mean that she is swiping on Tinder, or sleeping with others. Just means she is not yet there to be a GF - that comes with certain expectations.

Why does expressing my own feelings on relationships mean I am judging those who have different feelings to me. It so happens I care for my niece & would prefer to see her with someone's who is willing to commit to her rather than tell her we're not exclusive. I know this revelation by the guy she is 'seeing' hurt her but she's too proud to admit it. Her mum agrees & doesn't like it.

I see both opinions on relationships relevant to the people concerned. If a woman likes & prefers chocolate ice cream & I say I much prefer strawberry ice cream does that mean I am judging the women who prefer chocolate.? No it doesn't when I'm merely stating my personal preferences within relationships. If a guy told me I have feelings for you but I don't want to be exclusive I'd be showing him the road. I'm also referring to my niece here as according to her mother she would be exclusive given the opportunity.

Well I’m sure that goes for a lot of things! I don’t like beards and they’re a massive turn off for me, I can’t say I’m fascinated by people who do like them, it’s just one of those things.

O tempora! O mores!

"If I went on a date the guy was my boyfriend & I was his girlfriend until we decided if the relationship was working."

Being an exclusive couple after going on one date is not the norm anywhere I've lived. I think you're unreasonable to judge your niece's dating by your unrealistic and extremely rigid standards. And you are judging because here you are complaining about how she's not living and dating to your standard.

I think your words ‘sad days indeed’, and associated being in a monogamous relationship with high standards could have come across as judgemental. It implies that people who enjoy casual relationships have low standards, which is obviously not the case.

You say you’re not judging but you’re telling me (a 59 year old woman) to ‘keep my standards high - that could come across as pretty patronising tbh

Indeed. It's been my experience. A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman who was seeing someone else throughout the two years we were together. She was 58.

I’m 35 and been with my boyfriend a few years, just for context.

Becoming “exclusive” aka boyfriend and girlfriend MEANS something. It’s like a decision “okay we’ve dated a few weeks/couple of months, spent time getting to know each other, I realise I really like you, let’s become exclusive, you’re my boyfriend/girlfriend now.” And this just ups the relationship. You’re now quite committed, spend more time together, introduce to friends/family and are a solid part of each others lives.

I personally couldn’t imagine going on ONE date with them and then were suddenly exclusive/boyfriend and girlfriend. What if by date 3 I realise our values are unaligned, he’s a bit annoying actually, and there’s not much of a spark? I think nowadays it’s the norm to spend a bit of time dating someone, getting to know them, and then making the decision to become exclusive/official, whatever you want to call it. That’s pretty much the norm for my generation anyway, well, certainly in my friendship group!

All you've done is judge in this thread.

You can judge away and express an opinion -
especially specific to your niece, if she indeed would prefer to be exclusive, while the man in question does not.
That is not a new situation, by any means. People are just more upfront about it.

But you expanded your ‘opinion’ to say that sex should only be happening in committed monogamous relationships - for women to have high standards.

Most judgements come when people say ‘I am not judging, but….’

In my day that was called two timing each other.

In my day (1980s/1990s) it was called 'seeing each other'.

If you were 'just seeing someone', it meant it wasn't exclusive.

i Would say some of the best sex I’ve ever had has been with a FWB and I have had amazing sex in a relationship. I think you get different things out of both but that’s my opinion. If I enter another relationship I am very much up for looking into ENM if with the right person. Different people offer different things and experiences. I don’t feel the need to be in love with someone to have amazing sex. I have never heard of anyone being boyfriend and girlfriend after one date…. I would have had quite a few boyfriends by now 😅

Nothing wrong with that as long as everyone knows where they stand and they're practicing safe sex 🤷‍♂️

I think if you’re mature enough to have fluid relationships that’s fine.
You say your dn would like to be exclusive, in that case it sounds as if she’s taking what she can get and perhaps needs stronger boundaries. Having casual relationships has to be ok for both partners.

I think your example of going on one date and then being 'boyfriend and girlfriend' might have seemed acceptable if this was someone you had worked with/been friends with for a while. But with Internet dating, someone you've been on one date with is someone you have met once! So of course being boyfriend and girlfriend at that point would be a crazy thing to do, you don't know them at all at that point. And I think internet dating is great, I've met so many more people than I would have without it, and it meant I really worked out the traits I was looking for in a partner. And being sexually compatible is one of those traits for me.