Not exclusive.

[Onestepatatime18]

Can someone please explain the following. I'm totally perplexed by a conversation I had with my sister last night. She told me in the past my niece in her 20s was 'dating' I assumed she had a boyfriend. Apparently not as later she said she was seeing someone,so again I assumed she had a boyfriend. I asked her how they were getting on. She replied as far as I know they're not boyfriend & girlfriend. He's a lovely guy but they're not exclusive. In my day that was called two timing each other. If I went on a date the guy was my boyfriend & I was his girlfriend until we decided if the relationship was working.We would never dream of sleeping with others while we were
'going out' together. There was none of this seeing more than one person at a time. The whole thing sounds so random. I believe there are people who are in their late 20s & even 30s who still speak like this. I'm just happy it wasn't the way when I was dating someone because I hate the concept.

Thank you for your balanced reply. I don't believe there will ever be a day where the concept of one to one relationships are 'old fashioned'
When you are in love you are in love & mostly you can't envisage involving sharing your special relationship with another person especially sexually.

If he doesn’t want to provide what she is looking for, she should walk away. Not keep hanging around in the hope he will change his mind.

A person in their fifties who has been through a punishing divorce, plus the years leading up to it, would be utterly uninterested in your opinion.

Just be grateful you have absolutely no clue what you’re talking about, and that some randomer on the internet was prepared to let you know so that you don’t embarrass yourself in public again.

A grand total of zero people want to hear your advice or opinion on this matter.

OP - you have never been in the sort of arrangement you are laying opinions about.
No - there isn’t always one in an ‘non-exclusive’ relationship who isn’t having fun because they want more.
If both are consenting and mature adults - and are assertive about their boundaries, it works Ok.

In your niece’s case - she is hanging around an attractive and wealthy guy hoping he picks her. A stupid thing to do.
Why would he suddenly decide to give up his preference for multiple relationships?
Even if he decides to propose to your niece - he’ll only do it IF their relationship remains open.

Your niece should either date others as well and embrace the lifestyle, or move on

I don’t know if there is a magic formula.
I do think if you have only one FWB, and is going on for a while, and you are in touch on a regular basis - you start blurring the lines.
And it starts seeming like you are in a relationship.
In addition - if you are lonely, and actually, ideally, want a relationship - people do catch feelings. Or at least become attached and want more.

For me, the casual sex, that I can enjoy without feelings is not in a setting that resembles a relationship. It’s not regular, or continuous. It’s with people i know, or have known in the past, where there is enough attraction for something casual, but no desire for an actual relationship. Or life circumstances prevent it:

This sounds more like an FWB thing. I'm really getting that vibe because of the he's not really her boyfriend bit.

There's no bad behaviour here. The guy seems to be honest with her that he's seeing other women. There's been no promises made by him and no commitment. Just because she wants to be exclusive doesn't mean he has to be and I think you are feeling that he should be committed and exclusive because she's seeing and having sex with him. That's not how it works.

Your niece has been seeing this guy for a year and she's doing the pick me dance. She needs to walk if she's not getting what she wants out of the relationship. She can choose that at any time rather than sit around waiting for this guy to change because he's not going to.

I get the feeling he will never change. My biggest angst with my niece dating a guy who has made it clear she isn't exclusive is exactly this. I'm disappointed that in this day & age women accept this stance as an option. You could say it's mutual & women can decide this too but in my niece's situation it's perfectly clear he is calling the shots. She could run for the hills & I wish she would but she's now conditioned to believe not being exclusive is normal behaviour.

There's nothing wrong with wanting an exclusive relationship after seeing each other for some time. People are still falling for each other and getting married. It's this guy that doesn't want it and he is keeping his options wide open. I would bet she went into this hoping at some point he would fall for her and that hasn't happened and is unlikely to. Gently, she might have a bit of self esteem and boundary issues if she can't walk away from a FWB thing or situationship that isn't working for her. She has to decide and advocate for what she wants in her romantic life.

If the not being exclusive is completely mutual then that’s ok. It’s not really when one wants exclusivity. Ultimately women always risk pregnancy even with contraception so it’s much riskier for them.

Modern dating is a bit of a cess pit as far as I’m concerned. I’m old fashioned like you op. My DS did it in about the most respectful way possible thankfully. He has just gone exclusive with a woman after 3 weeks as he really likes her and has a great feeling about it all as does she.

Wonderful 😍

Stepping/walking out
Going steady
Dating
Going out with
Going steady
I'm exclusive with Fred

Terminology through the years

I've never heard the expression 'stepping out' or 'walking out'
I do know if I was 'going out' with a guy & he suggested he wanted to 'go out' with others at the same time he'd be history there & then.

Of course he's leading her on. He is basically sleeping around, with no intention to commit. I slightly agree with pp that in the early days, commitment doesn't necessarily need to be there.But after a few months, it categorically needs to be a yes, I'd like to take this further with just you or no , that's not what I want. After a year really?

Up in the middle of the night waiting for a video meeting with the other side of the world and l come across this.

This is one of the most judgemental posts l have seen on MN for a long time. OP is this based on things that your niece has told you about her own views or simply your interpretation of what she should think?

This all seems to go back to the days when sex was looked at as something a woman gave to a man, raising her asbestos nightie as a duty in order to keep him. Quotes such as “keep your standards high” and “especially within marriage”, is really going back to a dark age.

The people l choose to share my body with is nothing to do with standards and the same applies to your niece.

On the whole, I agree. Social mores have changed somewhat over the years and non-exclusivity is very much part of the relationship landscape. It's healthy in a way. People have far more autonomy within relationships and just as long as everyone is on board with it, it's OK.

He’s not leading her on. He’s been very clear he’s not looking for exclusivity. If she chooses to hang around in the hope he will change his mind, because he’s wealthy with a good career, then that’s on her and tbh, doesn’t exactly paint her in a good light.

Exactly this! She needs to know her worth. It’s not just on the guy to decide to be exclusive. She can also date other people it’s not just ok for him to do. Your later posts make it a totally different scenario in my opinion from your first post.

The term “body count” is one of the most objectionable, misogynistic and nasty words used on MN; it has no place on a predominantly female forum.

My initial intention was not to share the whole story as it was more about the not exclusive stance in a relationship. I only found out about this guy recently. My sister never spoke about the situation having found it difficult to accept. I believe my niece is now going to tell him it's over but time will tell.

Personally I would never agree to being in a 'not exclusive' relationship for any amount of time. If the person I was dating didnt work out I would end it before dating someone else & I would expect the same in return. I accept everyone has their own views. If it works for people whose to judge anyone else's choices.

Thanks for all the replies & I'll leave it there.

If you are dating - especially off an app - then unless you’re agreed you are exclusive, it’s unreasonable to assume you are. Dating has become more “American” in that sense. It’s just how it is. That’s before allowing for the “non-monogamy” community who are never exclusive

My DD (20) refers to phases of dating as follows:

”talking to” as in “I’m talking to Tom”. This means they’re sleeping together but with no strings;

”dating” - this is a more intentional phase where they acknowledge they’re in the foothills of a relationship but are not yet exclusive;

”boyfriend” - this is where they’ve had The Chat and are now exclusive.

I don’t know how it works today, as I’m Gen-X, so hardly a spring chicken, and I haven’t been in the dating scene for decades.

Having said that, I wasn’t exclusive, and dated a few guys at once. They didn’t become my “boyfriend” the instant I went on a first date—the guys I knew, even back then in the 90s, would have run a mile if I’d suggested we were boyfriend/girlfriend after one date. Although…I wasn’t having sex or oral sex with anyone who I was casually dating.

IMO, casual dating is perfectly normal, while you’re sussing out whether someone is “boyfriend material”.

How do you know whether this girl is juggling multiple sexual partners? Maybe she’s not? (Although after a year, she probably is, and no, I wouldn’t be on board, and would know he’s not “boyfriend material”.)

I agree OP. Everything seems to have gone to the American model of dating where people 'date' various people at the same time until they have 'the conversation'.
It was a lot easier in my day when you just dated one person you liked and assumed exclusivity until you broke up.

Oh gosh it's changed from 2006!

"Talking to" is ridiculous in the sense you've used it. That's where people are talking online. It's more honest to say "I'm shagging Tom".