Not exclusive.

[Onestepatatime18]

Can someone please explain the following. I'm totally perplexed by a conversation I had with my sister last night. She told me in the past my niece in her 20s was 'dating' I assumed she had a boyfriend. Apparently not as later she said she was seeing someone,so again I assumed she had a boyfriend. I asked her how they were getting on. She replied as far as I know they're not boyfriend & girlfriend. He's a lovely guy but they're not exclusive. In my day that was called two timing each other. If I went on a date the guy was my boyfriend & I was his girlfriend until we decided if the relationship was working.We would never dream of sleeping with others while we were
'going out' together. There was none of this seeing more than one person at a time. The whole thing sounds so random. I believe there are people who are in their late 20s & even 30s who still speak like this. I'm just happy it wasn't the way when I was dating someone because I hate the concept.

Yes, I guess I’m surprised to see that sex is in the “talking to” phase—I would have assumed it was texting and meeting up for a coffee. “Talking to” sounds like the old “fuck buddy” definition.

@PaperwhiteTheFriendlyGhostI said this is a term used by my DD (and all her friends). I do not use the term “talking to” to mean anything other than its usual meaning

Yes I get that. It's a strange description however.

I couldn't of imagined being in a non-exclusive relationship when I had young kids. Quite impossible. However, now it's fine. It's second time around for both of us as both of us are divorced. My partner has seen the same guy for four years and I've seen two women in our time together, but no one now.

It's actually a very honest way to live. Communication is high and consequently, jealousy is not a thing. We're in our mid 50s now and we might as well live the life we choose rather than a life expected of us.

@Lillibridge I guess it’s different if both are on the same page, versus one partner being monogamous whilst “waiting” for the person in multiple relationships to “pick me”.

That is all very well, but the person in this event was talking to her mother. Families have their own “language” and providing they understand that “language” that is fine!

A friend once asked me who someone was that l had introduced by name. I got a judgemental look when l looked her in the eye and said “that is the man l’m sleeping with”.

Yes, it's unfortunate. You can't help who you develop feelings for but sometimes you have to place head over heart. It's not as if he hasn't been clear about his position.

Agree.The guy is not commiting in the way she wants. That's the point, and It has absolutely nothing to do with being exclusive or not. So what's the point of the whole pearl-clutching judgemental discussion here?

Heavens to Betsy. The 1950's just called, they want you back!

It's called dating.... you know, that process whereby you get to know someone, decide if you like one another enough for it to progress into something more serious....

Why should she limit herself to just dating one person at a time? There's nothing wrong with seeing multiple people. It's only an issue if you become exclusive or say you get married & continue seeing other people. Then it is cheating.

I think the point here is that DN is being monogamous and the guy is being a Fuck Boy, as the younger kids call it.

Stop being so judgy , just cause it’s not for you , doesn’t mean it’s not for others !
With your “keep your standards high “ 🙄
You sound ridiculous, people can have complete respect for one another & not be committed to one another….

He has been quite clear about his 'Fuck Boy' position though.

He’s clearly told her he’s a fuck boy but it seems because he’s good looking and loaded she’s hanging on in the vain hope he’ll suddenly realise he loves her and wants to forsake all others

She’s choosing to stay in a situationship (as I think it’s called now) that doesn’t work for her so she needs to decide if this is really something she is prepared to stick around for indefinitely as he won’t change - with her at least

Sorry but if my niece had higher standards she wouldn't be allowing this guy to string her along under the term 'not exclusive. This behaviour has not only upset my niece it has upset her mother which is why I created the thread. As I've mentioned she appears to have decided to finish with him & rightly so. Hopefully it has taught her this not exclusive lark is just another way of playing the field & excusing any form of commitment, especially after a year.

He has been honest about sleeping around, but she is being monogamous and clinging on to the hope that he will change. They are not a good match. At all.

Very true. Not good for her mental health or her self-esteem.

He’s clearly told her he’s a fuck boy but it seems because he’s good looking and loaded she’s hanging on in the vain hope he’ll suddenly realise he loves her and wants to forsake all others

Exactly. More fool her, tbh.

There you go again with your “if my neice had higher standards “
You are 💯 judgy 🤷🏻‍♀️, more judgmental than concerned for your neice , you’ve got a “tut tut “& “told you so “ attitude
Thankfully you are her aunt & not her Friend …

There is a huge difference between being judgy & being concerned my neice is being exploited. She is well into her 20s but appears a lot younger physically & emotionally. Her mother agrees & hates the situation.We happen to be very close & she accepts I don't agree with how this guy is treating her. Thankfully she is seeing sense now & is intending to finish with him.

Has it not occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, he’s very good in bed?

It'd probably go a long way in explaining her fixation.

I had two thoughts (a) She is delusional and stringing herself along. (b) Even if he was being monogamous with her, he still wouldn’t be committed to her.

Really, he’s just not that into her.

That may be so but she wants a proper relationship not some guy that tells her they're not exclusive when that's what she wants. Anyway after a serious chat with her mother she's finished with him now so that's a result & no more to be said.

Good for her.

OP, l am genuinely pleased that matters have been resolved.

But l do think it would have been better not to have drip fed the information and certainly not to criticise others who happily adopt a different viewpoint and lifestyle. There is no right way, it depends on the individual.