Not exclusive.

[Onestepatatime18]

Can someone please explain the following. I'm totally perplexed by a conversation I had with my sister last night. She told me in the past my niece in her 20s was 'dating' I assumed she had a boyfriend. Apparently not as later she said she was seeing someone,so again I assumed she had a boyfriend. I asked her how they were getting on. She replied as far as I know they're not boyfriend & girlfriend. He's a lovely guy but they're not exclusive. In my day that was called two timing each other. If I went on a date the guy was my boyfriend & I was his girlfriend until we decided if the relationship was working.We would never dream of sleeping with others while we were
'going out' together. There was none of this seeing more than one person at a time. The whole thing sounds so random. I believe there are people who are in their late 20s & even 30s who still speak like this. I'm just happy it wasn't the way when I was dating someone because I hate the concept.

It's not about being exclusive after one date. It's about dating someone & giving
each other a chance before ending it if it doesn't work then going on to date someone else. Basically it's about not dating others until you know the person you are dating works for you both or not rather than randomly jumping from one person to another.

It’s fairly common in early dating but not usually still ongoing after a few months and definitely not after a year unless both parties agree it’s an open relationship imo.

In your nieces case, she’s wasting her life with a bloke who is never going to pick her. She’s his fallback not his gf.

I would guarantee he will dump her when he finds someone he does want to settle down with. He’s not after exclusivity with her because he’s still looking for a better offer.

She's young and having fun. Why are you so concerned with your neices sex / dating life ? It is none of your business.

Non exclusive means they're still on dating apps and maybe seeing others.

Exclusive is deleting the apps and only dating each other.

But she wants to be exclusive as they have been seeing each other for a year but he doesn't want to. The thing I don't like is that it is only up to the man to decide whether they are exclusive or not.

I'm not really sure what the gripe is. The OPs niece is clinging onto some bloke who doesn't want to be in a relationship with her. I'm sure we can all guess why he's keeping her around.

It's got nothing to do with 'modern dating', she's obviously got low self esteem. Women have agency, that means they can finish the relationship and move on.

The other new expression for not 'exclusive' is 'having fun' I'd never consider it having fun if the person I was dating was also dating others. Actually it's absolutely not having fun. It's awful for the person who wants more & there is always eventually one in this arrangement.

So why is this 'not exclusive' announcement so accepted today?

You date. That means you both see other people, you go out on dates. You can choose when to have the exclusivity talk. For some it's before having sex.

At some point, say around the three month mark, you might talk about being exclusive. That means you stop dating other people.

At any point, either of you can stop seeing each other. If you want to be exclusive and he doesn't then you move on. You don't cling on for dear life while he shags for Britain.

Tbh most women wouldn’t accept being non exclusive for a year.

The question is why your niece is prepared to cling on to a man who doesn’t want a LTR with her rather then telling him she wants to be exclusive or she’s out.

Hi everyone. I might start my own thread as I don't want to derail the thread. @jsku I have read your post too and find it very interesting. I want to ask how you manage to not catch feelings with casual sex and how you differentiate this from sex in a relationship? I had a FWB for a long time and I ended up catching feelings, in the end I felt like as a woman I was being used for sex. How do people do this and manage not to fall for the person they are affectionate with/ spending time with?

She’s clinging onto him because he’s wealthy, with a good career. He’s getting slated here, but what does that make her??

Agree. I think the pick me dance would have been over months ago if he wasn’t loaded and very attractive

Because there's nothing wrong with being "not exclusive" if both parties are comfortable with it.

The only problem here is that your niece isn't comfortable with the situation, but is continuing to see this guy. If she wants a committed, monogamous relationship then she needs to be looking for someone else. The only one hurting your niece right now is herself.

I had this conversation with DD22, when she was celebrating her 1 year with her boyfriend. I said it's been much longer than that. Yes it had but they were just going out before, and it was only a year ago he actually asked her to be her boyfriend. Apparently that's how it works these days, and I'm a dinosaur!

It makes her accept exactly what her friends belive in. You date someone,you fall in love, if they want to keep the relationship not exclusive you are not going with the times.

You are anything but a dinosaur. Thankfully this type of relationship worked for your daughter. There are many more who wouldn't be happy.

It reminds me of those awful lyrics from Just Be Good To Me. Or the sixties songs "he'll come to me when he wants to settle down". He won't.

To be fair it's not two timing/cheating if both parties are aware. She is also free to see other people and maybe meet somebody else. She is also free to stop seeing him and pursue a more exclusive relationship if she wishes. Lots of people know what they're looking for and are upfront about it, which is great, it's much better than the past when people would make promises they can't keep or assume exclusivity and then end up hurt. There's plenty of men looking for a conventonal relationship as well as those looking for casual hook ups. It's an opt in situation and nobody is forcing anybody to accept an arrangement they are uncomfortable with.

I completely agree. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who was sleeping around but others don't mind. At least everyone is on board with the situation and he's been honest.

It's a mutual agreement. If two people aren't interested in a relationship together (usually because they aren't romantically keen enough), but like the company and there is a physical attraction then it's perfectly acceptable these days. They may be looking for something long term along side or not. It's quite usual to enjoy sex outside a committed relationship. All very honest and upfront usually.

I absolutely agree if the couple dating others at the same time & they both agree. What happens if one of them develop genuine feelings. Are they still meant to accept the fact there has been no agreed announcement of an exclusive relationship so they should just put up with it. I don't agree with the concept of dating someone but free to date others.

They can make their feelings known, ask if the other person would want to become exclusive, etc. It is perfectly reasonable to say 'no I'm not looking for that right now' and it's equally reasonable for the other person to walk away at that point and exit the situation.

Why would you assume all women are merely tagging along in the hope of something more? One of my friends is currently seeing somebody and she is point blank refusing to become exclusive with him as she's not long out of a long term relationship and isn't ready to get into the same set up again.

Absolutely fine. My point is primarily about both people agreeing. The trouble is nowadays people are lead to belive it's OK to announce its not exclusive & the person with genuine feelings fall for it because it's now the norm. It's not.

Is your niece exclusive with her boyfriend (if we can even call him that) OP? My bet is that she is.

This is really about old fashioned double standards, updated to the world of OLD. The period when you aren’t exclusive is called ‘dating’ and if you agree to common standards that you are both comfortable with, it’s fine. For many - I am one and it sounds like your niece is another - the dating period is best navigated with a light tread, both physically and emotionally. Nothing wrong with that.

Why is your niece persisting in this asymmetry? Gently, the guy has taught her to accept his bad behaviour. If they got married tomorrow I wouldn’t expect him to treat her very well.

Instead of waiting for him to choose her, which may never happen, she needs to think about how she wishes to live her life to please herself. As a side effect, this is more likely to bring him round than being a doormat though it is far from guaranteed.

PS For avoidance of doubt, the bad behaviour is the strongly implied double standard and the fact that your niece is unhappy and presumably the guy is well aware of it. In this situation the advantage lies with the person who doesn’t want to be exclusive and it can easily be abused.