Not exclusive.

[Onestepatatime18]

Can someone please explain the following. I'm totally perplexed by a conversation I had with my sister last night. She told me in the past my niece in her 20s was 'dating' I assumed she had a boyfriend. Apparently not as later she said she was seeing someone,so again I assumed she had a boyfriend. I asked her how they were getting on. She replied as far as I know they're not boyfriend & girlfriend. He's a lovely guy but they're not exclusive. In my day that was called two timing each other. If I went on a date the guy was my boyfriend & I was his girlfriend until we decided if the relationship was working.We would never dream of sleeping with others while we were
'going out' together. There was none of this seeing more than one person at a time. The whole thing sounds so random. I believe there are people who are in their late 20s & even 30s who still speak like this. I'm just happy it wasn't the way when I was dating someone because I hate the concept.

My dating era was in the 80s. If I was seeing someone we were exclusive until we decided if it was working & yes that was from the first date. If you saw someone else it was called two timing. FWIW there is nothing I've said that's judging others. It's simply stating my own feelings on relationships & nothing to do what others feel. As far as mentioning high standards.I always made sure I had high standards & expectations of men I dated. That again is my personal preference. My niece would like her relationship to be exclusive & she's been told no. That would be enough for me. She will eventually see this guy is not for her. At least her mother & I Hope so.

I don't get it either.
This is what my daughters in their 20s tell me.
What happens now is they date and the men can see anyone they want to at the same time then the man decides when ever he feels like he wants to be exclusive, how ever long it takes. The woman doesn't have any say in this the man is the one who decides if he wants to be exclusive or not.
When I tell them when I was young someone asked you out and you were boyfriend and girlfriend from the get go until you split up they were surprised.

Yeah and? What is wrong with playing the field or sleeping around? I'm definitely middle aged and am not 'exclusive' with my husband! It's called human beings being different and other peoples choices have absolutely no bearing on you.

Not judging! Don't be ridiculous. You're judging massively.

I'm 46, I've been in a monogamic marriage for 16 years and I plan to never do it again. I just do open relationships, and having a busy life and a lot of things to deal with, right now I prefer fwb relationships, as they are less demanding.

Having different relationship formats to choose the one that fits best is a good thing.

That's dreadful. This is what's happening to my niece at the moment. The guy is really good looking with money & a successful career. The downside is he is taking advantage of her & basically leading her on. This 'arrangement' has been going on for about a year. She has remained faithful to him & accepts him 'seeing' others because he has decided they are not 'exclusive'
I can't understand how anyone can see this as anything other than exploitation of an attractive & clever young woman who has fallen for him & hoping he will eventually make a commitment to her. I seriously doubt it.

I have to say that it's quite common. My wife has a FWB. Has done for four years.

I've never said other peoples choices have any bearing on me anymore than my choices have any bearing on anyone else. I started this thread because I'm concerned about my niece who would happily be in an exclusive relationship. It's this new 'not exclusive' stance where the guy she has been 'seeing' for a year has made the decision & she is accepting it. In my opinion that's not a healthy relationship but feel free to disagree as it's just my opinion.

It's an Americanisation, it's come over here.

In my day you were going out or in a relationship until you broke up. Now you're 'dating', this is where you keep your options open until you are exclusive with someone.

I don't think that was the norm in the 1950s!

Dating - going out on dates with several people to see how you get on and if you want to progress things.

Seeing someone and dating aren't the same because seeing someone includes more than dating.

I suppose you can "see" more than one person at once but that would not be for me. That person wouldn't be your boyfriend or girlfriend or partner

Boyfriend - a bloke you're in an exclusive relationship with but without shared assets or children. That wouldn't be a partner.

That's how I see it regardless of age.

I think this is quite common now, so many children of parents who have had affairs see monogamy as unrealistic.

Your niece can finish the relationship at any time.

Non monogamy has absolutely nothing to do with parents having affairs!

Regardless of your thoughts, your niece is an adult who knows the situation she’s in and is still deciding to continue with this relationship.

The guy is really good looking with money & a successful career.

I wonder how much this is a factor of her hanging on to him rather than walking away

@Onestepatatime18 Your niece needs to dump this player.

You do your own thing, but this relationship doesn't fit with the woman in question. She should question herself about why she's staying and doing a pick me dance.

It definitely is. She is extremely attractive with a good university degree yet she has a history of dating guys who throw this not exclusive stance at her & she accepts it apparently because nowadays this is the done thing. My son is the same age & is happily married to a woman who would never have accepted this stance from him & I'm thankful for it. I'm Sorry but I just don't understand this 'not exclusive' behaviour especially if like my niece it's been a year since they met & started 'seeing' each other.

I agree but this 'not exclusive' thing has been so normalised nowadays people can't see it as anything other than acceptable.

I see now. So it’s nothing to do with casual relationships, it’s your niece not being confident to say what she wants. It’s absolutely nothing to do with standards as you can have low standards in monogamous relationships (just look at the threads on here). It’s not really anything to do with the guy she is seeing as he has been completely upfront about what he wants. It’s your niece who is lying to him about being happy about this set up, as far as he knows, it’s what she wants too, except it isn’t.

You could try and talk to your niece and help her be more confident in the future in saying what she wants from a relationship. I wouldn’t be happy if my partner was lying to me, or making me think he was happy with the situation when he wasn’t. It’s not really fair, similar to people who pretend they want marriage and children and then their real feelings come out a few years down the line when they’re honest and say they don’t want that.

It's quite old fashioned. You used to be able to go on dates with different people without having to decide if you were going out first. That was better. Then you could pick the one you liked best to go steady with or whatever it was called. What you're describing op is very restrictive I think.

But this is normal nowadays and that's the way it is in the dating world now. The girls have to wait until the boys decide if they want to be exclusive or not.

I was dating in the noughties (I think before OLD? I’d never heard of it). We were as others said exclusive or splitting up. No multi dating that I knew of. I would have hated that. 20s is a great time to settle down. I’ve read lots of threads from women in their 30s on here feeling worried ‘all the good men’ have already settled down. The pressure of knowing someone you’re getting to like is also seeing others would have felt awful to me though.

is multi dating just a OLD thing still maybe? I bet if you meet people irl they don’t have enough options to multi date! Maybe suggest that to your niece?

I think she is scared if she is upfront with her feelings about this 'not exclusive' thing he will finish with her. I think he knows she wants more but likes the fact he can bring out the not exclusive stance because it's so acceptable now. It has to work for both. My thoughts are there will probably always be one person in the couple less happy with the 'arrangement' so it can never be a healthy relationship.

Nonsense. She doesn't have to put up with it. It's common, but it's not normal. Continuing terrible treatment is normalising it. I'd rather be single than be at the mercy of this kind of thing. At the very least she needs to play him at his own game.

What the hell have we created in society? At its extreme, I hand you Kyle Clifford who killed his ex for not tolerating what you described as "normal".

It's her choice to not see anyone else. He's not lying to her, she knows he's seeing other people.

Exclusive after one date is not and hasn't been the norm for many years unless you're talking an arranged marriage set up.

She's being a doormat and having false hopes. Meh. Still her choice to do so.

I still can't get over go on one date and be exclusively committed. That is some weird patriarchal nonsense. Like you don't even know the person. That's what dating is for.