One of the many reasons I am very glad to be out of this arrangement is the chaos and confusion he creates when handling any kind of dealings with people. Nothing is straight forward. He has a need for complete autonomy so likes to keep his options open as he likes the prerogative to change his mind if he later feels like it. But this often creates confusion with people being stalled or ignored, or given conflicting information and then them getting frustrated with him. He isn’t clear with people. He ignores deadlines or requests for action. He misinterprets what other people have said and then gets annoyed that they don’t share his understanding. It can’t ever be him that’s got it wrong.
DP has decided to move out of the house we shared. But he didn’t do this formally in writing as you would expect to do. He said he would need to move out as the rent is too high. Landlord says ok but he can’t move the rent down. DP says he’s looking at places and will let them know.
In his head he now thinks he’s given notice as he’s told them his intention. But typically he has been vague, as is his way. He then finds a place and takes his kids to see it. But instead of asking them what they thought, he waits several days. I asked why. He said he wanted to give them time to “digest” their feelings. DP reacts very strongly to feeling rushed and will slow down deliberately if he thinks someone is in a hurry for him todo something! And the children are being taught the same. Eventually (four days later!) he asks them if they liked it, and they say it was ok and yes they want to move.
All the while he is being hassled by the agent for the new place as he asked for some bits to be provided with the house which the new LL immediately agreed to. But then he didn’t get back to them for well over a week (keeping them waiting, keeping options open….). Agent says they’re going to put the house back on the market if they don’t hear from him by the end of the day. Clearly they’re getting frustrated. So he finally puts in an application.
He tells the old landlord they are going to be asked for a reference. Landlord says oh right! You’re serious. Maybe we can move the rent down a bit actually. They keep messaging each other to arrange a time to call, but LL is away working and DP then doesn’t answer when he does ring! Another week goes by…..
They eventually do it all by text. DP says he wants x amount off and also intimates he’s already given his notice. LL comes back and says no, you haven’t given notice. You said you were looking/still deciding. You need to put your formal notice in writing now.
DP ignores this. (I saw this message without DP realising). I ask several times as to whether he has given notice. DP keeps saying yes he has and that the LL has confirmed this (basically the complete opposite of the message I saw!).
LL comes back and says he can knock a few hundred off the rent but not the figure DP has asked for. DP says no, he can’t manage that. It has to be the amount he’s asked for or he is moving out on x date (2 weeks from now).
LL says but you haven’t given notice!
DP now tells me the LL is being difficult and is trying to say he hasn’t given notice when he has (even though the message was very clear: he needed to do it in writing. He ignored it). He says the LL has cancelled the notice DP gave because they went into negotiations about a rent reduction. (This is completely untrue and the LL has not said this at all!) DP is furious! It’s all the LL’s fault of course.
As ever he is messing people about, refusing to follow up on actions, ignoring people, delaying people, misinterpreting what other people have said and blaming them.
When he did a refurb on his previous house with his ex, it had gone so badly wrong. They fell out with loads of builders, had to pull people off jobs halfway through, would refuse to pay for things… it was an absolute nightmare and took years. When he told me about it, he blamed her entirely. She didn’t know how to handle people. She didn’t check their work properly. I now realise that of course it must have been him! He would have been vague about the job that he wanted doing, then would have blamed people when it wasn’t what he wanted. He would have said he had been clear when he hadn’t. The tradespeople would be blamed and he would refuse to pay. I am certain this is far more likely than it being all his ex’s fault.
How can someone go through life never realising they are the issue? Never questioning whether they’ve made things difficult? Never wondering if it might be them that periodically just mismanages everything? How can there be such little awareness and reflection? How even though this type of situation occurs all the time, it’s ALWAYS the other person’s fault! I do not get it. And I will not miss it!!! I am very grateful we didn’t buy a place and try and refurb it, as had been our dream at one point. Imagine!!!!! It would have killed me!