Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

Oh yeah, his parents were pushing shame hard I think. He's not pushing it that hard on DS, but there's definitely a shade of it in there that won't help. I think the best thing we can do now is unite to help encourage him to make the best of the offering.

To me DS' response pretty much proves he wasn't being lazy or unmotivated with French, he just wasn't able to get there because language-learning simply doesn't align with how his brain works. It also shows that DHs supposition (when he's angry) that DS doesn't care about his future is false; maybe he isn't best able to plan for the future but he's still thinking about it.

People with ADHD can’t future focus, we exist in the present. Future focus causes intense anxiety and overwhelm. I just think how many endless possibilities that could occur in the future and all the expectations that could be expected on you, causes paralysis. ADHD brains focus on the exact present, if that makes sense. I doubt he’s really able to think much about the consequences of French on his future, only that today they cause anxiety and overwhelm. We all are programmed to stay away from things that trigger us. Feeling bad that you are struggling is enough to cause intense feelings. Shame is the worst feeling.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy in some ways at least you know it’s not the big “something” and at least it is an actual thing which has treatment pathway. Although this is big, it’s a lot better than it might have been.
You really don’t owe him your life. You’ve only got one! And you wanted to leave for a long time. You have the name of his condition but the reasons he was making you miserable haven’t changed. He does have a duty to try and manage this as best as he can for the sake of his family. And if he doesn’t do that, then it doesn’t fall to you to do that for him.

I think I would be tempted to do exactly what you were going to do without the diagnosis. Are you worried about him/other people judging you and surmising you’re only leaving because he has Parkinson’s? I can see why you’d not want people to think that, but also…staying with someone because you’re worried what people will think??? You know the truth. Your DC and family will know the truth when you tell them. If anyone else believes otherwise then let them! Your only obligation is to your DC and yourself.

None of us are getting younger. I am nearly 50 (though I can’t believe I’m saying that!). I am too old and too wise to put up with things that no longer suit me. I may not have the future quite worked out, which worried me terribly at first, but that’s OK. I am safe and I am happy. I actually do have more than enough money to get by. I’ve booked a holiday. Yesterday I thought to myself “I am so happy!” I see my friends often. I have started running again. I sleep and eat better. I have stopped drinking alcohol (though there isn’t an intention to be tee total permanently) and it’s not been remotely difficult. I have stopped some other unhealthy behaviours which I realise were coping mechanisms. Life is wonderful (although work is awful but I can cope because everything else is good!). I can’t promise anyone who wants to leave that it will be all sunshines and singing birds and tranquil breezes, but it will almost certainly be a hell of a lot better than what you’re living now. We stay because we feel shame and anxiety and uncertainty and crippling guilt. None of those are a good reason to stay with someone who makes your life shit.

As much as I don’t believe in telling people what they should do, I would execute your plans to leave @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy. I don’t even think you need to wait for x or y. It ain’t gonna get much better and your guilt isn’t gonna lessen much. May as well start your new life sooner rather than later and that way you get to enjoy more of it! Xx

@BustyLaRoux @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I totally agree with what Busty says. You don’t owe him your life. You deserve to be happy and at peace.

Sat here with an emergency glass of red wine.

found out earlier that DS has changed a GCSE option after talking about it with W, neither of them even mentioned it to me. Surprised and disappointed with DS, I thought and hoped he would talk to me about this sort of thing, particularly after we had discussed it at length in the first place.

W I’m not surprised at at all, normal communication does not exist in her brain.

it’s hardly the end of the world that he has changed one option but the fact I don’t even know about it until I find out by accident. Makes me sad, why can’t we discuss something like this as a family? It’s no wonder I drink 🥴

Completely understand the need to find some solace in alcohol @Apex3. Yeah it’s sad DS and W didn’t ask your opinion. Is DS autistic too? Strange because if one of my DC wanted to do something like that I would 100% speak to their dad so we could make the decision jointly. And we have been divorced for years now. How strange not to consult you on something like this. Little point raising your hurt with W I guess??

This week is just full of GCSE choice issues!

DH and I have another session with therapist tomorrow lunchtime, I think it'll be good to talk about this week. Both the godawful day this Sunday and the better than expected week, and DS's GCSE change. One thing I think I want to talk about is that DH and I need to agree what 'good' looks like for DS' results. Like I was very upset when DH criticised DS for getting 66% in a test, which is a pretty good mark in my book and a brilliant one for a kid who finds tests hard. Both DH and I were the sort of kids who found anything less than 70% for ourselves 'bad', but I seem more able to appreciate that we went to schools where kids performed well above the average. So I think that before we see his results we should agree 'OK, less than this is disappointing, this range is a decent job, and above that is really good' and I'll abide by it as well.

The other thing I've realised I want to say about DH about his lack of cutting DS any slack for his ADHD is that I basically 'let' DH spend two years working on his own product (he had saved enough money to do this) until he went for and got a (hopefully) permanent role last month. TBH unless he loses this job, I expect the product is going to fall by the wayside.

I could go to him 'Why didn't you do more research into marketing? Why didn't you more consistently network and do pitches and try to make sales? Other people develop a product and market it at the same time. This was important, we needed money, why didn't you try harder? Why didn't you plan better?' and he'd say (reasonably) that it's a big ask with his own ADHD issues, he's having to learn a lot etc.

But isn't our son also struggling with the same? Learning to do something new (serious revision) that he hasn't done before?

Thanks @BustyLaRoux. I’ve been sat here wondering if it’s just me, am I completely blowing this out of proportion? But I’m not am I? in a normal family dynamic this is the sort of thing you’d discuss between you all, as you say. And then you’d make a decision collectively between both parents and the child in question.

Sorry forgot to say, I don’t think DS is autistic no. Having said that things like this do make me wonder, it’s just not on my radar that you’d not mention something like this. But he has a lot on his plate this week, numerous exams per day, revision at night, and got to find time to play Fortnite let’s not forget, so I’m going to try not to over-stew about it and cut him a bit of slack 🙄

Yes @Apex3 it is the sort of thing that would usually be discussed in a family and the decision made jointly. If not conference style round the family dining table then at least if one parent had been spoken to they would say “hmmm yes I can see why you might want to change to that choice. Let’s talk to dad/mum and see what he/she thinks”. I wouldn’t make any kind of decision like that without speaking to my DC’s dad. Whether married or not, I still think this is for discussion.

Actually my DS was choosing his GCSE option last year and his dad wanted him to do triple science. I wasn’t keen (and neither was my DS!) as it wasn’t a requirement for science A Level. The double cert would be sufficient. I also felt as my DS had already picked additional maths he didn’t need another extra subject and it might be too much. I said all this to DS’s dad. He was still keen for him to do it. We agreed he would speak to the science teacher and ask if there was any material advantage in doing the triple over the double and if not, then we would agree he could stick with the double.

We discussed it, we didn’t agree, we resolved it and made our choice. It wouldn’t have been right for one of us to make that decision alone. Especially as we didn’t agree! I’d have been unhappy if DS’s dad had decided that without consulting me as he would have made the wrong decision in my view.

I don’t want to make you feel worse than you do! But I don’t think you’re overreacting.

Yeah, it’s not on your DS. It’s on your W. You live in the same house! There’s no excuse. I’m sorry.

Oh the lack of communication! - DS is also currently doing GCSEs. He applied for 6th form and didn't even tell me or DH until I asked what the process was. He said, "I already applied" to which I replied "Oh really! Which subjects?" Ah well, at least he's motivated and independent...

Would your partners be offended if it was you and your children who made the decision and not tell them? My whole family is like this, no one communicates with anyone. It’s horrible. It’s like a secret society.

I felt DH pushed DS a little toward psychology as a second GCSE option. I'm a bit unsure about it as it could go either way - DS might find it really interesting or it might not speak to him at all. If it had been up to me I'd have pushed for the easiest possible option with the fewest exams to give him space for everything else but DH would never have gone for it so I didn't even mention the idea.

In a way it's just as well we didn't now it looks like DS will be doing travel & Tourism as at least he has an academic second option.

Honestly, it’s not an outrageous expectation that you would communicate with a spouse over exam subjects.
I don’t speak to my ex anymore. So I either send email or get DC to let his father know about things like subject choices.

Thanks @Crunchingleaf. I’ve been in this situation so long that sometimes I find myself questioning what’s ‘normal’ and what isn’t, as well as my own sanity!

It’s funny you should say that about email. W and I get on far better over WhatsApp or email than we do face to face 😂

I shouldn’t laugh @NDornotND but fair play to the kid, at least he has a vision and is going for it! 💪💪☺️

<< sticks my head around the door >>

Hello. I’ve been following these threads for longer than I can remember. Has anyone found a way to make their marriage work, despite their ND partner coming out with absolutely awful stuff periodically?

My DH did not cover himself in glory last weekend when I was unwell. I struggle to forgive and forget. He has forgotten but I have not.

Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions please?

Only my view - but I think you’re going to struggle a lot if you’re NT and he’s ND…

@ChristmasLightsLover is he capable of self reflection, does he ever admit he’s wrong? If either of those abilities are present he may with counselling and self application become someone you can trust with your physical and emotional well being. If not then it’s highly unlikely that he can change and you will not get the relationship you need from him. However if a weekend of no care when you’ve been ill is simply icing on the cake then it may be you do not have scope to move forward anymore. No shame in that everyone can reach the limit of what they are prepared to put up with. You are not obliged to forgive and forget.

Yeah, @Apex3

Our teens are about to leave home. I’ve stuck it out for 20 years. I just can’t clearly see how we do another 20 where it’s just me and him.

Have you come across anyone on here who is finding a way to do it? Or have you?

Thank you for the reply @Pashazade

Not only is there no admission when a mistake is made, there’s the classic doubling down on the original statement.

Last weekend, he struggled because I took to my bed for just under 48 hours. He was doing the washing and cooking. And the planning for his new shed. He had a meltdown and went off on one at me. He’s forgotten all about it now. But I haven’t.

Life would be easier if I could. How do people make these relationships work?

Feel for you @ChristmasLightsLover W and I have been in it 25 years or so and it gets no easier and I’ve had some bad times, thankfully now passed. My kids are mid teens-ish, they really keep me going, I’m not sure what I’ll do when they leave. I don’t think I could imagine a life with just me and W sadly, at the very least we have nothing in common, nothing to do together. Life is too short to be completely on your own.

Separate houses? Seriously. I’ve just done this. There is good in this relationship. Enough to keep us together. But, I can’t live with him. Sporadic and sudden rageful episodes. Victim blaming when he has been awful. Accusations. Everything about his bloody feelings. Very different parenting approaches.
He does have the ability to reflect. And he is very kind and thoughtful. And we do get on and make each laugh every day. These are the things that keep us together. But the rest had become intolerable.

@BustyLaRoux this is what we are going to do. Separate houses. Seen financial chap. Not getting divorced (for now), but going to live separately. I can’t tell you the relief. And, my husband has agreed to it. Financial advisor said it in a very matter of fact way.