Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
__
This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
__
It's complicated and it's emotional.
__
The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

I’m laughing, mine believes, STILL, that babies sleep 23 hours a day. He did little, but wanted 5. He is very musical, plays about 8 instruments including the piano at concert level - or used to, my kids can’t even read music. It’s a shame. He loves them, but in his own way which isn’t a helpful way.

H wanted 2 or 3 but it quickly became apparent that even 1 was too much, hence DD is an only. There were times when he tried so hard and really did a great job at being a parent, to then becoming overwhelmed and just dropping it all, leaving me as the constant default parent.

Then my own DF who was very loving and sweet in some ways, yet totally unable to do the day to day parenting, usually managed to show up for the important things, like when I was singing at a school concert or the like. He took me to theme parks, days out and toy shops etc and even got me a pet rabbit (against my DMs wishes!). Now he is ill I'm probably just remembering the good bits perhaps bit we definitely still have/had a bond, despite his lack in parenting skills.

@SpecialMangeTout3 how is your head pain? You were going to get some tests done. Is everything OK? Xx

Thank you for asking @BustyLaRoux

I had my MRI so just waiting for the results now.

I hope all will be well. Am sure it will be xx

Hope you hear something back soon and that everything is ok x

🤞🏻 @SpecialMangeTout3

Flights booked for week after Easter! Going for 2 nights now as one night would mean ridiculously early morning and very late evening which would be more disruptive for DD. She's actually ok with me going and H has 'sold' it as a fun weekend for the two of them and is being very reassuring about it all. SIL is being supportive too and told H it would be good for me.

It really feels like the right thing to do now. Can't wait to see my dad!

Well done for booking and hope it's successful as a try out for both you and DH and DD .
Hope your dad is OK x

That’s great news. They’ll be fine, and might really enjoy doing things in their own way. As might you. Hope your dad is ok xx

So pleased. This maybe the start of things 🩷

Thank you for your kind words 🙏 yes, I think it will be good for DD and H to start doing the occasional weekend without me, for all sorts of reasons! It does feel like a new chapter somehow.

My dad is out of hospital, again, for now. Not sure how he is doing as there are various things going on simultaneously. Stroke which he refused follow up treatment for last year, worsening dementia which again not being investigated or treated, refusal to take medication for the last year, the became very frail and struggling to walk resulting in hip fracture after fall, then influenza with breathing difficulties resulting in latest hospital admission. My DM has visited him several times and he is declining the last couple of months so no idea what prognosis but it doesn't feel great. He's loosing weight too and was already very slim.

My DB, who is next of kin, has a very controlling wife who is currently making it hard for him to even pick up phone calls from hospital, carers etc. My parents are divorced but my DM has tried to keep an eye on DF, has cooked for him, visited his house to see how things are (gradually getting worse) and encouraged him to see consultants/GP, take meds over last year but he's been in denial and gets very aggressive about it so she hasn't been able to do more really.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore
Unfortunately I've had to visit older, sick relatives in my home country.
I have taken dc's and gone alone. It is so much easier without them. You can give yourself fully to your dad.
Even though you are a tad nervous about leaving dd, leaving her with her dad is the better option.
Having time away from 'the situation' at home, even under the circumstances will give you a couple of days to breathe. 💐

Despite usually talking about the negatives I thought I would share this because it made me laugh. Yday DH went on a course to do with a new hobby. It was possibly the only thing he's ever organised online and very far in advance (which we've had discussions about) because its something he's interested in.
He was very enthusiastic when he came back and wanted to show and tell immediately. Me and DS were in the middle of a game we said we would be finishing in a few minutes so he waitedrather impatiently
He told us all about it and then said he liked my hair. I had been to the hairdresser, and he had written a "clue" on his hand to remember to look at and mention my hair! "Because he knew he should" 🤣

That is rather sweet @Sweetandsaltycaroline 😊

Sorry you too had to visit relatives in similar circumstances, the downside to living in different countries. But yes, you are right, this way I can focus on my DF and not get distracted by DD and her needs. And I am thinking that a couple of days away from home might be a breather.

Advice for coping with the menopause. DH is finding my tears hard to cope with!!!! Apparently I should consider how it is affecting him. Ha ha 😂

I know the circumstances of you needing to go are really sad, but if you can separate that out for a minute then this is really exciting. (Apologies if that sounds crass!) I really feel like this will be the first step in you managing your separation. At least mentally. To travel alone. Get some headspace (and some physical space) from the situation at home. Realise that DD can be left with DH and the world will not end. He can step up and do his dad duties without you around. Maybe they’ll have a fun couple of days! Too long the burden of holding all this together has been with you. But it will be OK. You can focus on your DF. Gain some confidence. I feel like you will be buying your own pink kettle at some point in the not too distant future! Xx

That’s delicious!

I’m sorry I don’t have any tips for dealing with the menopause. I’m not quite there yet. My friends all swear by HRT but you’re probably well down that road.

Your DH sounds like a peach! Fancy complaining about how YOUR menopause is affecting HIM! Other than tell him that’s the most self centred statement you’ve ever heard in your life. How the usual practice in a marriage is for the partner to support the woman who is going through this, not complain about how it’s affecting them, and that until he can say something supportive he can sleep in a different room. Or preferably a different house!

@Georgeismydogwhat your DH said reminded me of my friend who, thankfully, has split with her chap. They moved in together quite quickly. And she realised very quickly he was controlling and sulky. The final straw came when she decided to stop yo-yo dieting as she’s been doing this on and off all her life and she decided it was boring and exhausting (she isn’t large at all. I’d say a size 10. Not that that’s relevant really). So she put on a very small amount of weight. A few lbs. Half a stone at most. And he said this had turned him off sex as she had “made changes to her body without consulting him”. 😳

Well that was the lightbulb moment and she decided this had been a big mistake and moved out.

Good for her! How can these partners be so self centred? How can they think everything really is about them. How everything we do should be done with the utmost consideration of THEIR feelings at all times. More so than our own feelings and emotions. They are the centre of the universe and cannot see why that would be a problem for anyone else. I find it baffling.

Not crass at all! And yes, it does feel like the step towards something new and it's like it's just 'clicked' with me that I can do this. This trip is about seeing my dad but I'm also realising that I am also forward to some headspace and 'freedom' xx

Gosh, must be so hard for him to have to live with someone who has emotions. I mean, really, he needs to either read up and get wise on menopause or move into the shed or something.

I found HRT really good for my hormonal ups and downs, I do still get a couple of sad/low days before my period but not quite as intense. Cutting down on processed food and eating a more Mediterranean type diet helps too, I really notice a difference when I slip off the healthy wagon and it motivates me to get back on track. Daily fresh air, walks too. And cotton, light airy PJs!

Oh and wine really doesn't agree with me anymore. Cut down on it but had some on Mother's Day and again yesterday and it really leaves me feeling blue and sad.

My DH told me a few years ago he "didn't believe" in the menopause, and that it was excuse women made when they were moody or rubbish at their job. 😳I didnt know whether to laugh or kill him!! He is still alive and hopefully marginally more educated.
I'm 47, probably perimenopausal. My sleep is dreadful, not helped by him snoring like a train sometimes. His answer is always that I should sleep naked.🙄 He didn't cope well with (my) PND so I'm not especially hopeful.
Good luck, sorry I can't be more help!