Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

@Peppasparty its very hurtful but also not intended to be hurtful. There’s no malice. Some people are just wired that way. I fully get not making the effort with her. What’s the point? You don’t need to feel guilty. She is the way she is and you would be much better to spend time cultivating those relationships which bring you happiness rather than pain.

Yeah I know there is no malice and yes it’s hurtful and lonely in a mother’s sense. She is just another person in the world, a stranger really. I couldn’t imagine not being interested in my children, never having that warm fuzzy feeling about them. I don’t really like my own mum, it’s not a nice feeling but there is nothing to like apart from the title she was born with. You have to cultivate a relationship. I can see why this causes so many problems in all sorts of relationships with asd people. A husband or wife isn’t just title it comes with a purpose and responsibility for cultivating a relationship.

‘A husband or wife isn’t just title it comes with a purpose and responsibility for cultivating a relationship.’ Exactly this @Peppasparty

I completely agree with you.

For those of you with OHs/DHs who have struggled with parenting due to their ND, would you advise me or reassure me re leaving DD with H for two days, including one night? I really need to see my poorly DF which involves a flight and at least one night away.

She's 10 yo, autistic and possibly PDA. Recovering from school burnout but seems to be almost back to her usual self. Most of the time she's able to dress, toilet and and feed herself but needs prompting and/or body doubling with a lot of everyday things incl self care. H can be absolutely amazing at caring for her but if overwhelmed himself he sort of doesn't think and may snap, huff and storm off etc, which is my main concern with going away. He gets distracted and lost in his own projects and will leave her to it a lot if I'm off out for a few hours. No harm in a few extra hours on Roblox and he usually feeds her etc but I am quite anxious about being a whole country away.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous but I've never spent a night away from her, partly due to co-sleeping but mostly due to H being the way he is. I can't really talk about this IRL as it sounds so bad. Again, main reason why I haven't left earlier too.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore
Sorry to hear about your DF. You might feel (more?) resentful of your DH if you don't make the trip. Are there any other friends or family who could be on standby/supportive if things were difficult?

I did go abroad when my DC were little, but usually IL came to help DH.

To a certain degree like @Peppasparty says i feel like being a parent is more of a status for DH than an active thing. Even though our kids are teens I feel like he's never really got to grips that their needs are different from his, or being interested (or sometimes pretending to be interested) in their activities/news.
I remember the first holiday we had abroad when DD was nearly 2. She was tired and I suggested going for dinner at eg 6pm. He didn't want to eat that early and persuaded me to go later, she fell asleep and didn't get dinner. At that point I hadn't considered he was ND.
DS (now 15) has just been on a school trip abroad. I asked DH to have his phone charged as we were both emergency contacts. He didn't but his worry was he couldnt check football. It wouldn't have occurred to him that he might be contacted. I asked if he had messaged DS while he had been away "No, I didn't know if it would work because he's abroad" (Several family members live abroad and we all communicate by whatsapp) He also doesn't message DD at uni - not abroad!
DS was really enthusiastic and telling us about the trip, and showing us all his photos. As soon as he finished eating, DH left the table and went to watch anything not a specific programme tv, not bothering to listen to DS.

She won’t come to harm for one night in the care of her slightly neglectful father. The thing I got to grips with was that my kids dad was theirs - they weren’t disappointed in him the way I am, they accept him and have few expectations. All I did was stock up on easy meals and snacks and accept that DH didn’t parent my way but it was good enough.

however; one of the kids was unwell as a child and had a strict medication regime which DH didn’t adhere to. Which is why I didn’t leave him in charge for long; my mum would come. And it’s also why I didn’t leave him - I didn’t trust him.

i hope your father is comfortable, sorry you are dealing with that from far away

I think you just have to bite the bullet and go @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore. There was always going to be a first overnight away and this is it. Leave pre cooked meals, a list, check in by phone…. Do whatever you need to do to make it easy and to give you peace of mind. I’m sure all will be well. Also it’s good to do things which make you anxious to show yourself these things are surmountable and give you confidence to do the next thing you feel doubtful or anxious about. It might even help with “doing the impossible”!! Xx

Thank you @Sweetandsaltycaroline @Seriestwo and @BustyLaRoux that is all very helpful a d what I needed to hear.

We do have SIL not too far away to help if needed, I could also ask a couple of mum friends in the village (one is a paediatric nurse!) to drop stuff if needed (say calpol if we suddenly ran out or bottle broke) DD does have her own phone (rarely used and if so under strict supervision) so can text me herself if she needed to. I'll make sure they have all the snacks, foods in etc although H is quite good at catering for DD and would happily cook her anything she'd want so that is something.

I'm trying to think of this as a natural next step, it would be good for DD to get used to me having the occasional night away and hopefully H will make the extra effort to ease her into it. He is 100% supportive of me going (he is very fond of my DF) and is reassuring me it will be fine.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore ive left both dcs with dh for two days many many times (was away every other weekends with work).

dh managed. I can’t say he was happy. He found it extremely stressful. But he did do a decent enough job.
The fa t both him and your dd are in the spectrum migut actually help. Dh afd dc2 get on with each other much better than dh and NT dc1…. They seem to somehow get each other in a way I don’t .

Thank you, they do mostly get on quite well in that they joke and mess about a lot (sometimes at my expense!). And yes in some ways they are quite similar.

I would have thought that the harm from these partners are of the emotional sort over along period of time, like a slow drip rather then a short sharp harm. I mean I was never at immediate harm from my parent. But I was harmed emotionally and relationships wise. I know that’s not great to hear but a few nights would have made little difference to this.

Thanks, yes that puts it into perspective. If anything having her father's full attention for a full two days would be quite the novelty. When I'm here I'm the default parent.

He might be a pain in the arse but I doubt he’d want to be the bearer of any physical harm to his child. Only really really messed up people could do that and I think you’d know that.

Absolutely! When she was younger I imagined all sorts of accidents happening due to lack of supervision but at 10 that is not quite the same risk.

I realise I have so much resentment towards dh regarding our kids.
He is not interested, plain and simple.
They are older teens now and he had missed so much of their lives, just because he never talks to them, asks them anything or shows any interest whatsoever in them as people.
They know this and it breaks my heart. I can not forgive him for this. I feel i have betrayed and let down my kids so badly, even though i have a wonderful relationship with them.
So many instances seeing them desperately trying to engage with him and them being ignored, to now, where they just don't even acknowledge his presence anymore.
He works away, and both kids have told me how much they prefer when he's gone. Dh? Completely oblivious.
@Sweetandsaltycaroline Dh also gets up and walks away mid-conversation.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I only left kids with dh a couple of times when they were younger. Both times due to elderly relatives being ill and it didn't feel right to bring the kids ( also abroad)
I hung up their school clothes for the week, and i think they probably lived on pasta but nothing untoward happened.
The first time is the hardest🩷
Hope your dad feels better soon💐

I agree. All will be fine for a couple of days. In fact, it may unlock some strength for you with time away.

I can resonate with some of this. DH zones out at most family meals so doesn't hear/take in what is being said. (As well as walking away when DC or I are talking about something that hes not interested in) To the point the kids used to quiz him on their teachers names every week. DD had the same form tutor for 5 years and he claimed not to know her name. The only (slight) consolation is that he's the same with everyone (his family, work colleagues etc)

When DC were little he would start endless DIY projects so I'd spend most of the time solo parenting, now he starts all sorts of garden projects (not that there is as much hands on parenting/supervision) But I'm the default parent for everything taxiing them around. Even on Mothers Day, DD specifically asked him to take her to the station (about 25 min drive away) to go back to uni, and he said "why, what's mum doing?"

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymoreI also think you should go. One of the worst feelings that I have is this ‘stuck’ feeling of total disempowerment. I’ve been actively changing things a lot lately, even in work away from family. I do find that change (whilst hard) levers open new opportunities. Giving your DD and H the opportunity for time together will be good, even if it’s uncontrolled and not always ‘easy’. Also you might reap benefits too.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy Thank you, the first time will be the hardest but it feels the right thing now.

@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSeaWithACatCalledBrenda Yes, it's beginning to feel like it might actually help me with the next step now.

@NoviceVillager Oh yes, that bit about change and new opportunities.

Thanks all, going to look at flights today. The thought of travelling by myself, maybe actually looking at the Duty Free for once, having a sneaky drink or coffee whilst waiting in 'Departures', reading a book on the plane in peace, rather than going through Special Assistance and all it entails, having to be hypervigilant for hours on end to avoid mid travel meltdowns, is not an entirely unpleasant thought...

@Sweetandsaltycaroline Dh is uninterested in most people, that includes me. My beautiful children don't deserve the father they have though.
My amazing son deserves a father who can guide him into manhood, show him how to be strong and gentle. Instead ds lacks self-esteem and confidence. He tells me he is 'scared' to he in a relationship incase he 'turns out' like his dad.
My beautiful daughter needs to feel important, loved and respected by the most important male in her life, instead she has almost misandrist views and is convinced there are no 'decent' men out there.
We shape and mold our children by our actions and inactions. I do actually hate dh sometimes. He was gifted these amazing beautiful little beings to nurture and he just didn't.
I know I am a product of my upbringing, an absent father and emotionally unavailable mother. I tried so hard to give my children the love and care I lacked growing up. I realise now i was so busy doing my part that I didn't even realise dh was doing zero of his.

The lack of leadership and nurturing is heartbreaking. You are a fabulous mum and can break the cycle.

I think many of us here are building our strength up to find an alternative path.

@BustyLaRoux has provided us with so much inspiration 💕

I’m sure your children will adapt when they are in the world and realise that lots of people are really kind and interested. There are lots of good men out there and good women. Just got to make sure they can spot the bad ones as I was so desperate for some attention I overlooked some massive red flags! There is nothing like craving something you’ve desperately wanted as a child, it makes you blind.

My DH was really keen to have kids when we got married and wanted "4 or 5".But I feel like he liked the idea of children rather than actual full time children. He'd seen 5 min snippets of people's lives with cute babies and toddlers.i was talking about mum-guilt the other day about how our DC are not great swimmers. (Among other things i feel guilty about) I am a poor swimmer and quite fearful of water, DH is a decent swimmer, and enjoys it, but rarely goes. He said "yeah they never really got into swimming" as if at age 6 for example they are going to take themselves off to the swimming pool. They aren't good at swimming because we did not take them swimming frequently.....but he seemed not to think he had any part in that!

We looked after a friends toddler for the morning last year. DH enjoyed engaging with him and showing him things in the garden, for about 15 minutes. After he left, he said "you forget how hard work they are at that age, you can't do a thing for yourself" which was amusing as he had given up 15 min while I had done the other 4 hours including breakfast and a nappy change. I had of course not forgotten how all-consuming toddlers were because I did 95% of parenting our own children!