Interesting interaction with DP last night.
I was due to go round to do some cleaning yesterday as he’s moving out of the house we shared and needs to hand it back. Last week was Easter holiday and the kids were with me (and his with him). I had his DD over for a sleepover. I have seen him. But last week I was mainly trying to keep the kids busy. The kids went back to their dad on Saturday afternoon. My lovely friend took me to a spa for the day on Sunday. So I offered to go and clean Monday evening. Yesterday. He replied that he was actually thinking of going out (implication that yesterday not convenient?? Perhaps I read it wrong..) I said OK well I am busy on Tuesday and Wednesday (building furniture with my brother) so could come on Thursday instead..?
The reply I got was along the lines of “it’s taken you TWO weeks to even offer to help me! You’re obviously busy with your social life. Thursday is too late. I move next week. That’s not enough time to get all of this sorted. As I suspected you’ve just left it all to me and got on with your new life”
I replied that that’s not true. I have brought round all my boxes and bubble wrap so he doesn’t have to buy his own. I didn’t flat pack the boxes which would have been easier for me. I kept them assembled so as to save him having to make them/buy packing tape. That’s meant multiple trips in my car as I can only fit five or six at a time. I’ve also offered to do cleaning. I’ve taken his stuff to the charity shop and have offered to do a tip run for him if he books a slot (booking system). I even offered to help him move on moving day, which he declined.
He says bringing the boxes is well and good, thanks and all, but it doesn’t count as helping really as I was coming up anyway to get the stuff I’ve left behind. I wasn’t coming specifically to help him! And he did “everything he could” to help me move and now I’ve just left him in the shit.
I said actually you didn’t do everything you could. You didn’t pack a single box. You didn’t go and buy the additional packing materials. You didn’t come with me to the tip. You got shitfaced the night before I moved and were so hungover you could only make tea on moving day and only managed to shift a couple of boxes all morning! You weren’t much help at all. You have built my wardrobe (later in the day when he was feeling human again) and put up a shelf. That’s all you’ve actually done though. You’re adopting a mantra of “oh poor me, I have to do everything and she’s done nothing to help me!!!!!!” and playing the martyr, but it isn’t factually true. You haven’t done that much to help me and I have not done nothing to help you. I am here with my cleaning materials in hand ready to spend my evening cleaning this house. I will go to the tip for you if you book a slot. I’ve brought you all the packing stuff you need….
His reply:
The boxes are just the boxes WE moved house with last time so it’s not exactly that much of a favour (except they’re not. Those boxes were knackered. These are new boxes I went and got from my friend who moved out recently).
He is grateful about the tip run but hasn’t booked a slot as I’m so busy he doesn’t know when I’ll be free to do it! (I’m not that busy. I am working. But I could take an hour or so out to go to the tip. The problem isn’t me being busy. It’s that the house is in complete chaos and he hasn’t actually got the stuff ready for the tip. He’s deflecting).
And it’s taken me TWO WEEKS to come round and clean and is the first sign of any help. Why has it taken me two weeks? I’ve forgotten about him!!! (I came round every day of the first week with boxes! I had the kids with me all last week, as did he, and have been parenting. They only went back to dad on Saturday afternoon and today is Monday! He replied “well, you could have come on Sunday?!” )
Ugh. I told him that I knew he would do this. I knew he would mismanage moving out and then try and find ways to blame me: I haven’t helped him. I’ve not done enough. Poor him. Victim and martyring. He said it wasn’t about blame. I showed him his messages (“you’ve taken two weeks to help me!” And “you’re too busy with your social life!” Kind of thing) but he said these are not about blame. I said “can you not read? They are very clearly statements of blame!! It’s what you do. You mismanage and blame! And I knew you would do this”.
Eventually he said he felt alone. And he thinks the relationship is ending. That I haven’t helped because I’m not interested. That he “knows women” and can read me. I don’t care about him anymore. Etc.
I said well finally we get to the bottom of it! Why not say that then? Instead of YOU haven’t helped me! YOU’RE too busy! We went on like this for a bit with him insisting that he can read women due to his vast experience (he did actually say those words several times, dear god!) and something in me has changed and I am not being honest about my feelings and I should just leave him to do the house on his own.
I did leave (after cleaning for 2 hours). I thought about what he said. Do I feel differently? Have I stopped caring?? I was messaging my SIL and all of a sudden it occurred to me. I know what’s happened!! I checked out emotionally 2 or 3 years ago. We’ve spoken on here many times about building the internal defences and needing to emotionally detach in order not to get hurt. It’s a survival technique. I wrote this to her:
“I had to to keep myself sane. I couldn’t let his awful moods affect me the way they did, so I detached myself so I didn’t care anymore. I may have been living in the same house but I had checked out emotionally way before I moved out.
I’m not sure why he, who is so good with reading women, didn’t notice that!
My heart broke years ago. I pieced it back together and I made the best of things. I survived is what I did. I took the good bits and withdrew whenever he was awful. Which was often.
And now I don’t need to placate and appease him he thinks this means I’ve changed. But I haven’t. I just don’t have to live under the cloud of his moods and be constantly trying to navigate them. Be friendly. Be chatty. Don’t get upset. Don’t say anything which could be taken the wrong way. Don’t be upset about anything he’s done. Don’t have feelings. Smile even when he’s been awful. Keep up the facade. Keep the peace. Do your best. Manage him to survive as best you can!
And I don’t have to do that anymore. It’s very liberating. Doesn’t mean I want to split up. But I would enjoy the relationship being on equal terms, not on his terms. Five years of managing this man’s endless fucking feelings and moods.
And now I matter more.
And I guess that’s what he senses. Because although he thinks emotionally I’m different, I’m not. As I say I checked out ages ago. He just didn’t notice!”
When I read it back it made me cry! 😢 To look at those words written down. What I’ve had to do to myself for the last few years just to get by. Funny that he didn’t pick up on this and is only now noticing. And only because all of a sudden he isn’t the main focus anymore. He thinks me behaving as an equal, instead of a subordinate, means I don’t care. And what does he do? Fire out martyrish statements blaming me for not helping him, when what he really means is “you don’t love me anymore and I feel sad and alone”. But articulating that was like getting blood from a stone. He would rather shout and blame. My dad is the same.
So yes, I am just ruminating on the last 12 hours. It’s been quite eye opening. I’m sorry this is such long post (aren’t mine always!!). But there’s a lot of food for thought there.