resentment over ultimatum

[whiningshinji]

Many years ago my wife gave me an ultimatum around having a third child. I adamantly didn't want a third, but to spare my other two children a broken home I acquiesced.

All the things I knew would happen happened. I got locked into a high pressure,high paying job I hated to cover heightened costs, free time totally evaporated and the friends I did have soon drifted due to me going from work to home and back again and never seeing anyone! My hobbies, modest though they were all withered due to lack of time/funds. My wife maintained some of her social contact and hobbies once all children were into school(less full on job with better annual leave - mine unsurprisingly was stingy and was absorbed by school holiday coverage)

The resentment I felt towards my wife over this never went away. Our third child is now approaching adulthood and all I can think about is leaving.

I got dragged to yet another (tiresome) couples thing by my wife. I normally don't drink, but I had a couple this time. We were talking to some people who were talking about how hard the baby and toddler years were and how they stopped at one, saying to us and another couple how did we manage three. I said it was a very hard slog - my wife chipped in by saying that we wouldn't change a thing.

Apparently at this point I scowled and muttered that I would. I wasn't even aware of doing this! Either way my wife is now getting an inkling that my mindset hasn't been changed by the years. He attitude has wrongly always been she was right and that I fell into line in the end and was content.

Now suddenly she is encouraging me to meet up with friends (who I haven't spoken to in 15 years) and mentioning finding a club for one of my old hobbies.
Bit late!

I am 80% sure I will leave, but this has thrown things because I was hoping to quietly arrange things and then cut the cord. I certainly wouldn't fight on the house or forking over half savings, the house is paid off and she can have it! Well worth it to break free of her.

I don't know what to do, I just feel the resentment has totally eaten away any affection I had over the years.

Your wife seems oblivious to how you're feeling. Have you never communicated about this over the years? Why have you never tried to deal with the resentment sooner. She sounds happy with your family.

If you're not happy with her, you should leave.

It was wrong to give an ultimatum.. very selfish of her and if the resentment is still there, then it's unlikely to go away after all these years.

Exactly what I was going to say.

Why on earth did you never communicate about needing time for yourself once the kids were at school?

It’s really unfair to withhold your feelings from a partner and then blindside them with a divorce.

Also I get why now seems like the right time to leave… but also isn’t it the time when you both get to enjoy your time and money again?? Why wouldn’t you try to fix it instead of walking away and making things financially harder for yourself?

Don’t lose half your house. Get decent legal advice.

The ultimatum wasn't right, but not communicating for this long about how you're feeling and what you need isn't right either. Did you never tell her you needed time for hobbies and friends? She got time for herself, you should have got equal time to yourself too. If you've spent all this time angry and resentful and not communicated that wasn't fair to either of you. Maybe things could have been different.

She was wrong to give an ultimatum but you need to be real with yourself, if you've essentially 'pretended' all this time that you'd come around to the whole thing, you're partly responsible for allowing this resentment to build and fester to the point where you want to end your marriage.

You don't need permission to end your marriage, if you feel like it's over then end it. But keep in mind you can't unring a bell and divorced or not, you had that third child and unless there is a drip feed where they're (your child) is still some huge drain on you, you're over the hardest part and if you were able to work on your resentments through open communication, you could at least enjoy the family you spent so many hard years raising.

Your third child is nearing adulthood and you've been nursing a grudge all this time? Clearly your resentment has indeed eaten away at any affection but what have you been doing all these years? Have you no free will? Are you unable to speak? Is your wife coercively controlling you?

Fact is, you did have a choice all those years ago and you chose to have a third child. You agreed. Take responsibility for your choices and don't try to rewrite history now.

You sound entirely passive and seem to be blaming her for everything you don't like in your life.

You are an adult and you have autonomy, You say she suggested you see some friends you haven't bothered with for 15 years - is she responsible for all your relationships? And she 'dragged' you to another tiresome event - you really don't take any resposibility for your own life do you?

If she's suggesting you meet up with old friends or restart an old hobby I imagine you are hurtling towards grumpy old git-dom at great speed and she is desperate for you to get a life for yourself. Maybe she wants you to stop a) relying on her for a social life and b) blaming her for it when you don't like her choices

I think you should fulfill this long-held cherished dream of yours and leave. It would probably be a massive relief to all concerned.

I appreciate some of the comments here, but I did voice what I could. Unfortunately, as a pp said I had a third child so how can I voice how I didn't want them to anyone without coming over as awful? My wife knew my feelings, we had many many discussions on it but "well they are here now so get on with it" trumps all really. Same with my job "we need the money to pay the mortgage and bills so unfortunately moving to a job you don't despise isn't doable right now". Then it grinds on and on. Fair point on not continuing to communicate but after the first few years I just felt hollowed out and couldn't really confide in anyone so I stopped bothering

Do you actually love your third child? Do you think they felt your resentment or was it only towards your wife?

Taken all circumstances into account- I’m pretty sure that OP loves all his children however he can’t voice his resentment to wife about „you made me have a 3rd child which I didn’t want” because that’s how she will perceive it.

Kids don’t live on air and sunshine. OP was well aware with costs associated with each child and he wanted to stop at 2.
It was wrong of his wife to issue ultimatum. She got what she wanted, he got stress of supporting one more child and sustaining the lifestyle.

OP,if you resent your wife then start working towards separation. Tell her you feel burnt out/don’t love her anymore or whatever.

Do not say you resent her for making you have 3rd child as it might be taken that 3rd child was/is not wanted and hurt everybody involved.

Get some counselling for yourself.

You deserve to be happy.

Also no I didn't rely on my wife for my social life and friends. I did rely however on not working 12hr days to make ends meet, then only having weekends to spend a good amount of time with the children, do life admin and see my friends/engage in hobbies whilst ensuring I didn't fall foul of not giving my wife enough quality time.

Unsurprisingly the easiest thing to squeeze out was my own social time so that is what collapsed. I didn't want to be a barely present dad, it was bad enough during the week

Please do your wife a favour and leave her. She deserves some happiness.

CAN you read?

You deserve happiness OP and your resentment is palpable in your posts so I’m going to say get divorced BUT do not walk away with nothing; you helped build your shared assets so make sure you get your fair share, don’t let that be another thing you lose. Use that money to go and live your life.

I get the resentment about being blackmailed into a life you didn't want but the thing that you regret is an actual person, your child. I worry that whist your W seemingly was oblivious to your lack of enthusiasm for this third child and the lifestyle it would bring, that the child itself isn't and feels it deep down?

The reason your wife thought she made the right decision for you both is not because you evidently fell in line and but that she can't conceive of feeling anything but love for all three dc. She hasn't even considered you wouldn't feel that because it is so alien a concept to her, to do anything other than treasure them all.

You have every right to leave and it sounds like the right thing but you also sound bitter. And you need to take some responsibility for what your life has become as letting friendships go is not all on her.

Hope your 3rd child never reads this. You sound like a very bitter person who is moaning that your lack of happiness, sense of being lumbered with a 3rd child is all down to your wife and how generous you were to have acquiesced to this (not how your 3rd child is loved and brought pleasure to you both) and it is completely your wife's fault you are feeling like this! If you feel so miserable and resentful then they would be better off without you TBH!l

@whiningshinji

You sound miserable, and depressed, guessing for a long time.
And at the same time - you also sound very passive, and entrenched in your view of yourself as a victim. And stuck in resenting the past.

I guess it’s easier to blame your W for the wag you lived your life - challenging as having the 3rd child may have been at the time.
But the fact that you were passively floating on - rather than trying to get some balance - it is on you. No one but you made your life choices. And we tend not to always have things happen the way we prefer.
And then we adapt and get on with life.

You chose passivity and path of least resistance, while accumulating resentment for years. It must be really hard to not be able to accept and adapt to your realty.

You can leave or stay - not sure it matters. But you wont be happier until you get some help, and learn let go of the past and orient yourself toward the future.

Separately - i feel sorry for your 3rd child. They will eventually find out you didn’t want them, and blame their existence for your sad life; that culminated in you leaving their mother…

(in reality - you could have lived your life differently - If you were less passive. You could have moved to a cheaper area. You could have found a job you didn't hate. You could have kept friendships.

I worked in similar field a long hours. So did exH, he also traveled and often had to work a bit on weekends. Yes - when kids were small - he didn't see much of them during the week, but we did fun thing together on weekends. We also did fun things in school holidays - it was not all just ‘childcare’.
My exH didn’t have many hobbies - but he did make sure to keep in touch with friends. All of them also worked a lot, so it’s not like they socialised for hours anyway.

So - your life, the way it went - was not the only possible life. And it was YOUR choice how to live it.

Hope you find a good counsellor who can help you feel a bit better.

Exactly this.

I'm sorry OP but you sound like a sulky 15 year old. I hope you find the way to get out of the resentment: it's truly a very destructive place to be.

if you felt that strong then you should of have called her bluff then to see if she would Leave you
then seen what happened

Hang on, YOU agreed to a third child but have held the third child against your wife all these years. That’s crazy, why agree to something you clearly didn’t want to agree to? You’ve wasted your time and her time.

As a parents of three kids, both of us have both continued our social lives. Part of me wonders if you’re incorrectly blamed her for your lack of social life? what did she do to stop you socialising? I guess it’s easier to blame someone else.

Yes we have needed a larger house and cheaper holidays but these things are just material. I guess quality of life depends on what you value in life, be that family or material possessions or experiences.

“Wouldn’t change a thing” is a turn of phrase that virtually everyone says no matter how dysfunctional their family situation is. You see it on here all the time, “My ex is a narc who used to abuse me, but I still had 2 kids with him who now have a piece of shit as a father… but I wouldn’t change a thing”. So don’t assume your wife doesn’t acknowledge your struggle and resentment. What was she supposed to say about her family, in a social setting?

You deserve better, you both do. The ultimatum was really wrong, but what sounds like ongoing lack of support and space for your needs wasn't ok either. You have some very valid reasons to be done, but even if you didn't that wouldn't mean you had to stay and keep paying in unhappiness. It's horrible and draining to live with resentment, it eats you up inside. If you know you can't move past this, which would be very understandable, than the best thing for all of you is to seperate as amicably as you can. You deserve to be happy and have time for yourself.

I would however be careful how you time things if your youngest has important exams coming up and think carefully beforehand about what you want to say so your youngest doesn't end up feeling guilty which they might if you talk about needing to work long hours. They shouldn't pay the price. It doesn’t sound like you'd say something that would guilt your children anyway, but it's worth considering your explanation beforehand so you don't get caught out and say something you wouldn't want to put on your kids.

i am not really sure if the ultimatum was unfair. She laid her cards on the table that she wanted a third or would leave. You made a choice to comply and stay. Would you say it would be unfair to be unfulfilled and resentful of not having another child.

The bit that does seem unfair is that you don’t seem to have discussed and considered each others wants and needs. Does she just ignore you when you have asked for time with friends? Do you share your feelings?

You can leave her or stay but you should consider counselling for your self and develop self advocacy and deal with your resentment.

I honestly think you should leave. You shouldn't have agreed to it but we all have our reasons for things, you didn't want the children to grow up with separated parents.

In my mind if you're willing to walk away from your house etc it shows that you don't want to be there and haven't for a long time.

This isn't something therapy can fix, it's been too long. You feel the way you do and no matter understanding / remorseful your wife acts now it doesn't matter because she got her own way at your expense.

You're doing the right thing, get your ducks in a row and when the time is right go enjoy life on your own terms.